My Tween years were incredibly difficult. Let’s start there. Ages 9, until about 14, were times that were tough to live through, and even harder to revisit in my mind’s eye. Beginning with a very serious trauma, that colored the following years tenderly and deeply, the Tween era is one that set my alerts on high and solidified many coping mechanisms and reactive habits I’m still trying to break myself of as a 40-year-old NOW. Needless to say, having my daughter hit this phase of life has always been something I anticipated with dread. Once, many years ago, a therapist told me that we tend to have the hardest time with our children during ages and phases that were the hardest for US as kids. Something in us reacts to the trigger of reliving our own childhoods in them…and it brings up big feelings, resistance, and sometimes even a regression in our own maturity levels. With this advice in mind, I’ve tried to be hyper mindful about how I parent my Tween daughter. However, as any parent knows, sometimes being overly protective and intentional can lead to an overcorrection that may not be useful either!

Basically what I’m saying is: sometimes we hit phases in parenthood that matter SO MUCH to get exactly right in our hearts…and it’s kind of impossible to know what exactly right even means or looks like. Partially because we could have huge blind spots that aren’t even our fault, OR because there isn’t an exact right when every life circumstance is completely different! I’m writing this blog post about some things I’ve learned raising my Tween daughter, because I know for a fact that sharing our experience can help others feel less alone in their questioning or floundering– and definitely NOT because I’m a therapist or expert, or have it all figured out. I sure don’t! Most times, having everything figured out isn’t even the point. It’s more about sharing ideas, discussing ideas, and learning something about how other people do things. Marlowe is 11 now–and I’ve experienced such a huge shift in her evolution as a person, and in our relationship, in the past year. I hope some of these insights can create a little more discussion and reflection on this tender time that is Tweenhood!

I remember feeling so grown up at 11. Experiencing my daughter, and her friends, at the same age has shown me that there is still so much little girl in there that needs to be nurtured. I always tell my daughter that she has her whole life to be a woman, and only a short time to be a little girl. Every single way that I parent her is in full support of that statement. It’s so important to me to preserve this special time of Girlhood for her. I really push her to pursue pretend play, imaginative learning, creative games and crafts, and connection through hobbies and special interests. I put a lot of guardrails on what is appropriate for her in terms of media. Not because I don’t think she can handle the adult world when she has to, but because she shouldn’t have to take that on right now. So much of what we consume and process in our culture is even stressful for us as adults! When their brains are already processing so much change, puberty, relationships, new information– the last thing she needs are added stressors and dynamics that are built for older minds. Sometimes this makes me the Bad Guy, and I get a lot of eye rolls, but ultimately I’ve never regretted a boundary I’ve set.

Sometimes a Tween needs to hate something just because. Usually that falls upon clothing that you have dared to purchase without a co-signature. REPENT!!!! I have been told that a plain white sock I bought was the absolute worst kind of white sock I could ever buy. I have made the mistake of getting jeans from the same store where the favorite pair of jeans were from, in the same size and style, only to learn that the wash was not only ugly but would ruin her life. The slight sheen on a jacket in her favorite color was social suicide. Now, I only shop with her in tow, or by my side on the interwebs. I have also learned that an item of clothing can look innocuous on a website, but be VERY wrong in person. DO NOT buy items on sale that cannot be returned. Additionally, never ever offer an item of your own clothing for your Tween to wear…but…do not make eye contact when the same Tween chooses Lululemon leggings from your closet and wears them to school. If this is confusing, I would agree.

Tween hormones and attitude can be extremely triggering for me. Back-talk and disrespect is a MAJOR boundary that I set with my kids. Sometimes, it happens. And sometimes, I lose my cool. And I don’t care how warranted frustration is as a parent, I am here to tell you that it never feels good to lose your cool with your kids. Self-regulation is always something I strive for, but sometimes I fail in tough moments. A big shift I’ve made in the past couple of years is taking a moment for myself to calm down, and then re-entering the dynamic with an apology for my behavior. The biggest result I’ve noticed from this is my daughter beginning to mirror this, and doing the same. Now, when she loses her cool, or has some attitude, even when I don’t react in the moment I end up receiving an apology for her behavior at some point in the day. It makes me really proud of her that she’s learning lessons at 11 that I’m still figuring out at 40!

Tweenhood is a bizarre time between being a little, squishy kid, and an adult, when your loved ones don’t necessarily think to snuggle you the way they would when you were a baby and needed comforting. Older kids can seem like they’re over it, but I can tell you firsthand that feeling your Tween’s body completely relax into you when you coax them into a good snuggle is the best feeling in the world. I’ve made a point of sometimes pausing my advice during meltdown moments, and offering Marlowe a hug instead. It’s hard work presenting as grown up all day long! Sometimes they just need their Mom like they did when they were babies, and that’s ok.

My generation and my daughter’s generation are vastly different. When I was her age, I was taking the NYC public bus across town to school by myself. She’s barely been in the front yard by herself. I get that these are different times, but it occurred to me a couple of years ago that a lot of my self-esteem and confidence as I grew older came from having to solve small problems on my own, and navigate the world without a ton of help at times. Creating your own solutions is vital to feeling ready for the world. Ever since, I’ve been constructing strategic, safe opportunities to “lengthen the leash” a bit and let her figure it out on her own. Riding her bike, or walking places that are safeguarded and familiar– even allowing her to take a different trail on hikes she knows well, or find her way through the mall when I’m on a different floor– these are all mini methods of giving Marlowe a bit more space to learn and grow. Getting her a Gizmo watch really helped the process, because I can still have her location, or have her message me, but she can navigate a bit more on her own now. The watch has also helped her explore her own social relationships, and learning how to balance it all, without complete parental supervision. There are only a controlled number of contacts in her Gizmo, but she can cultivate her own conversations and relationships with those people without every text message being on my phone. It gives her privacy, but with a lot of safeguards in place.

Our kids are sponges, and Tween girls are particularly aware of appearances and criticism. Their self-esteem is always on the brink, because so much about them is changing and growing. Being self-aware about how I talk about myself and my appearance has always been top of mind for me since even being pregnant with a daughter. Now, I notice her noticing things about herself, and it reminds me to really reinforce being kind to ourselves and complimentary of the things that are unique to our physical appearance. Body neutrality is what I strive for, and it was important to me with my recent breast reduction that I really reinforce with her how many important health reasons there were for that change I was undergoing.

As my daughter gets older, I’ve been finding more and more opportunities to appropriately share stories about my fails, flops, and vulnerable moments. As much as our kids can seem to think we’re the most embarrassing people on the planet sometimes, the truth is that they do worship us. It doesn’t even occur to them that we’ve had our own moments of deep insecurity and huge fails in life! Whenever I talk to Marlowe about my own harsh lessons learned, it always sparks a really meaningful conversation that brings us closer together. I hope she continues to experience me as a full-fledged human who messes up just like she has– and will continue to! My wish is that she always sees me as somebody she can share her own mistakes and flops with, and that she knows that I’ve had my own experiences to offer advice from.

From a very young age, girls are accustomed to receiving compliments on their physical appearances, if they receive compliments at all. “You’re so pretty!” “What a cute hairstyle!” “That outfit is adorable!” We all do it, by the way, and it’s not inherently bad per se, but when you’re in a phase where your appearance is constantly changing and you often feel insecure– those types of compliments can make you feel like your worth is attached ONLY to what you look like. I try to make an effort to find at least one thing every day to vocally compliment Marlowe on that has nothing to do with what she looks like on the outside. “I love how you drew that picture” “I respect how you handled that situation” “It was really brave how you tackled that today” “I’m proud of you for giving it your all on that test!” “You’re such a great sister” “It impresses me how generous you are in your friendships, even when you haven’t had a great day yourself”. All of these kinds of affirmations help build her self-esteem around super healthy values, and it feels good to me to share with her all of the wonderful things I’m thinking about her character!

When you can, try to find common ground through humor. If there’s an appropriate TV show, or movie, that you both enjoy, make that special time! Laughter can be the best medicine sometimes, and after I’ve had a particularly rough moment with my Tween, I find that it helps bring us back together. I like creating patterns that we can hopefully continue even as she grows into an adult. I’m really sensitive to the idea of Marlowe ever just seeing me as a nag, a nitpicker, or somebody who is stressed or annoyed all the time. The truth is that Motherhood CAN be extremely stressful, annoying, and full of frustrating inconveniences– my job can be filled with even more of those things! But when my kids look back on their childhoods, I want them to remember times when I was lit up with joy, not just the times when I was enforcing the values and rules that I also find to be important. I’m working to create a beautiful life and legacy for my kids, but what is it worth if all they remember is that I was always tired?! This is something I continue to work on and be aware of.

These are just some of the lessons I’ve learned, and please feel free to share your own in the comments below!