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Today is a new year. A new start. Fresh beginnings. I am inspired in the name of that optimism to share something with my readership today: I’m not doing well. In fact, I’m really struggling. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed recently, in a lot of different ways. I think it’s time to share that with all of you in the hopes that speaking my truth will allow me to move forward– and also in the hopes that anybody else who is trying to hold it all together with similarly emotional results will know it’s ok to let go– to accept help, forgive themselves, and to move towards a solution.
So here it is, I’m in an emotionally bad place, for reasons I will explain. I’m depleted and anxious, and I haven’t been giving my anxiety and feelings the attention they deserve for a little while now. I’ve been hoping that powering through would get me to the other side, but I’ve finally realized that feelings don’t work like that. Nice try, Martino! Lol.
I’m the type of personality who tries my hardest to be optimistic and fight through, but as my husband put so well a couple of days ago, sometimes fighting emotion is like quicksand– the more you fight, the more it grabs you until eventually it pulls you under. Here is my effort to unclutch, to stop furiously pedaling, to share and to move forward. But first, I have to share with you something that happened to our family in November that has deeply affected all of us, and that I have been practically too emotional to speak of since.
A couple of days after Thanksgiving, our Night Nurse fell asleep while holding Major and dropped him, and he cracked his head on the hardwood floor. Kyle and I were sleeping at the time and were awoken by the sound of his head hitting the floor, and then hysterical piercing screams. He suffered a fractured skull and bleeding on his brain, and was transported by ambulance to Yale Medical Center where I spent two harrowing days with him to receive emergency care and further testing. To say these were the most traumatic and anxious two days of my life is an understatement. If you read my post about choosing Homebirth, you know that I have an (irrational) phobia of Hospitals. To be in one for two days under such circumstances was nearly unbearable for me, not to mention how scary and emotional those days were for the entirety of our family.
But here’s the good part: by the grace of all of his many angels, and every God one cares to pray to, MAJOR IS FINE. Completely fine. Though he had the fracture, some skull displacement, and bleeding, the skull did not touch his brain and the bleeding was localized. Further MRI’s showed no brain damage and we were discharged by experts in pediatrics and neurology with as excellent of a prognosis as we could have ever hoped for. We were absolutely, divinely lucky that day. He had no other broken bones, and no spinal effects whatsoever. He has been healing well, hitting milestones, cooing, smiling, and generally showing us that he is and will be ok as he grows and develops.
So why didn’t I share this when it happened? A couple of reasons. First of all, the accident traumatized all of us. It was so sudden, and so scary, and the idea of sharing it almost felt like it would make it all that much more real– all of the risks and the dangers. I wanted to make sure that he was definitely OK before I shared what had happened, so that I could have some good news to celebrate. I don’t know if this reaction will make sense to a lot of people, it hardly makes sense to me, but that’s what I was (or wasn’t) capable of at the time. The second reason I chose not to share was fear of judgement. The internet can be a peculiar place, where some people forget about humanity and go for the jugular. I know that this news might reach many, and of those many there will always be the people who say that this accident was my fault. That if it had been me in there holding him instead of a Night Nurse, that this never would have happened. That I deserve this for allowing my child to be in the care of somebody other than me. Well, let me tell you– the guilt I bore in the days and weeks after this accident was more intense and more damaging than anything I would wish upon my worst enemy. I had all those same thoughts and more. I wept in the hospital, telling anyone who would listen that it should have been me. That I was to blame. The truth is, even this woman who came so highly recommended, with a perfectly clean track record, could make a very human mistake. It “could happen to anyone”, and as they told me repeatedly in the hospital, it DOES happen to anyone. More often than you’d like to hear. Obviously, the (extremely upset and remorseful) nurse is no longer working for our family, though we forgive her. And even though I finally made peace with the fact that this freak accident could not have been avoided by me, it has continued to effect me to my core and in all aspects of my daily life.
It’s nearly impossible for me to trust anyone but myself to take care of Major now. We definitely don’t have night time help anymore, but it has only been in the past week or so that I have felt comfortable with somebody coming during the day to help me with him so that I can complete normal tasks and work responsibilities. Hearing Major cry hard immediately triggers my memories of the moments after the accident and instigates an immediate panic attack– my heart races and tears spring to my eyes. Sometimes I get dizzy spells. I feel nauseous and overwhelmed and even small discomforts he has make me anxious. My appetite has decreased to nothing, I have a hard time getting to sleep after night time feedings, and my milk supply goes up and down depending on the stresses of the day. Any time we are near an edge or a ledge, I fear that he will fall, somehow, and be hurt again. Just last week, we were on the second floor of a Starbucks, and I sat there panicked and frozen as I imagined Major falling from my arms over the edge of the banister and on to the floor below. My brain played back the sound of his screams that night. I had to close my eyes and clench my teeth as the waves of nausea eventually subsided. To cope through all of this the past month, I had been trying to breathe, to talk myself down, to remind myself that my son is alright, that we are all alright. But while we were in Charleston on our Christmas vacation, Marlowe had a fall on the playground. She was trying to go down the slide and fell on to the ground on her back, knocking the wind out of her. Within ten minutes she was totally fine and normal– but I stood there while Kyle held me, sobbing and shaking, while my scared two year old watched. It was then that I really realized that I am not okay. And, unfortunately, trying to push through these experiences and feelings, keep up with work and with my parental responsibilities, has just pushed me deeper in the quicksand. I’ve been easily overwhelmed, and between follow up doctor visits for Major, and the stresses of learning our rhythm as a family of four, I have felt most of my other responsibilities slipping through the cracks. I think I need to take some things off of my plate. It’s time to really face this all and find a solution.
My instinct tells me that I have some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, possibly linked to some form of Postpartum Depression. I was only three weeks postpartum when my husband fell off the roof of our house while cleaning the gutters (I shared this on Instagram when it happened, in case you missed it) and could have easily been killed or paralyzed according to the ER doctors. In another miraculous stroke of luck, he walked out of the ER with minor injuries. Just two weeks later was when Major had his accident. My hormones were still not stable from the birth, and I suspect that all of this in succession probably triggered something. I’m not a doctor and I haven’t been diagnosed by anyone, so I don’t know for sure. Even typing those words scares me and makes me realize that there may be a longer road ahead to feel better than I would hope for. But I know that the way I’m feeling, though understandable and human, is not normal. My husband has been instrumental the past week in helping me acknowledge this. He has held me and loved me unconditionally enough to convince me that facing all of this will end in relief and not in disaster. I’m choosing to trust that. I finally feel secure enough to admit that it is possible for me to feel better than I do today. I deserve that, and my family deserves that. I’m going to focus on working with a therapist who can help me find better coping mechanisms than what I can come up with on my own, and who will hopefully help me understand a way forward. I have somehow retained a lot of optimism and humor through these challenges, and there have been many moments in the past month where I have found silver linings in the day– but the storm under the surface has been brewing to a point that I can no longer ignore.
So what does this mean for the blog? I’m going to take the next couple of weeks off to focus on myself and my family. I have a couple of posts in the pipeline that I will be releasing (one about breastfeeding and the other involves a super cute Marlowe VIDEO!) but otherwise I’m going to be tuning in to what I need to do to get back on my feet. I know that once I dedicate myself fully to understanding what I’m going through that I will begin to get better. Even writing this and speaking my truth today has parted the clouds a bit. On my blog, I have always maintained that true happiness can be found even amidst chaos and imperfection. That it is these ups and downs that make us great parents and good people. I have never believed this more than I do now. I believe that my challenges and struggles the past month have shown me the depths of my strength, and that handling my shortcomings gracefully will make me grow as a woman and as a Mom. I can only hope that this is true.
With open arms, I welcome 2017 as the year I learn to forgive a little deeper, to let go a little more easily, to accept some things I cannot change, and to love myself a lot more unconditionally. To anybody else who is suffering from similar feelings or challenges, no matter the cause– I am with you in this. Let’s get better. It’s time.
Thank you all for your support the past month, your kind words, and your voices– even when you didn’t know that I needed help, you all helped me so much. Peace, peace, peace, my friends. See you all very soon.
Happy New Year!
Xoxo
EAM
** Our family would like to express our gratitude to the Doctors and nurses at Yale Medical PICU for the excellent care Major received during our stay as well as for their kindness towards our entire family. We won’t forget it.
Photographs by Stephanie Elliott Photography
Happy New Year HEA much, much love to you and your family.
Hi Eva,
I’m a mom of two girls (3 and 6) and a physician. I caught our nanny abusing our baby on camera while I sat at work (after having been an integral part of our family for years). I totally understand how you feel. It’s beyond awful and took me a very long time to leave my kids with anyone, but it does get easier!! We now have a lovely nanny caring for our girls and are all in a much better place. I hope this year brings you all peace and health.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Any mother would have the same reaction to what you went through- just reading your story made my mommy radar anxious! Thank you for your honesty and I hope through time and help you get better.
EAM –
I have been a loyal follower for the greater part of 2 years. As a single female in my mid-twenties, I find your honesty, advice, and authenticity incredibly aspirational. I hope to one day conquer being a wife, mother, daughter, and sister with the intergrity and grace that you emulate. Your honesty and class is a true breath of fresh air. I hope 2017 brings you peace – we are grateful for you and rooting for you.
With gratitude,
Juliana
I highly recommend a form of therapy called EMDR. It is very effective in helping one overcome trauma and/or traumatic life events. It truly changed my life.
I’m so glad your baby is ok. I appreciate your honesty and wish you the best.
I echo Toni’s comment about EMDR. It can make a dramatic difference to your healing. Good for you for giving yourself some time to stabilize. You and your babies are the most important thing right now — and those babies need YOU. Just as the flight attendants always say that you should put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else, so you should take care of your emotional/psychological needs before you’ll be able to fully support your children.
Another suggestion that you can do in your home is Emotional Freedom Technique (EMT) .
Just go to mercola(dot)com website, and in search bar, type in “Emotional Freedom Technique EFT” or “Emotional Freedom Technique Gary Craig” to learn about this easy but effective technique.
Go to you tube, type “Mercola EFT” to try it with practitioner Julie Schiffman” in the privacy of your home!
Dr. Joseph Mercola is a medical doctor who has nearly daily articles on exercise, alternative treatment info (example – how to make turmeric more bioavailable to your body, how to reduce inflammation in body, etc. ), the latest medical studies, etc. (He currently has a staff of researchers; his articles are easy to read, informative and well footnoted..)
I was touched to read this post and cannot imagine the trauma you and your family have been through. I’m very happy to read that Major is well and you are on the path to feeling better.
Toni & Wordfiend mention EMDR, which my father went through for military service related PTSD. I’d caution anyone looking at EMDR to do a good deal of research and speak to several healthcare providers to see if this approach will be successful for recovering and healing from your particular type of trauma.
Our family is still dealing with the EMDR therapy after effects of formerly repressed memories and trauma. Every night my father struggles with nightmares, sleeplessness and anxiety. I’m happy that Toni & Wordfiend found peace and relief with their EMDR experiences. Health and Happiness in 2017 to us all!
Eva! So sorry to hear this happened! I’m sending big hugs and strength your way. Im so glad to hear everyone is doing well. Take the time you need to heal and get better. We will be here waiting for you to return.
I’m so sorry to hear this had happened to your little Major boy 🙁
Your post was so real and honest and I can relate to those anxious feelings myself because I have anxiety as well. It took years for me to finally realize I needed to seek help. My family knew it all along but I had to be ready to work on my mental health.
Seeing a therapist was the best thing I could have ever done, she gave me the tools I needed to cope with my anxiety and although I’m 1000 x better, it’s something that I continue to work on everyday.
Just remember that you are not alone in this journey, you have your family, friends and us (your readers ) !
I wish you and your family love, health and happiness in 2017.
Happy New Year! Thank you for your honesty. As a mom of 3, I know how hard it can be to admit we need to take the time and focus on ourselves. It is the best thing for YOU and your family. Stay strong and much love!
Dear Eva,
Thank you for once again sharing this very personal post. That is why I love this blog so much.
I am so glad to hear Major is all good and as a mum I can totally understand the shock it must have been, the guilt that followed and this anxiety that won’t leave. Being parents is no joke!
I wish you all the best in your recovery. Take all the time you need, we are not going anywhere ?. Big hugs.
Dear Eva
Your words are very moving to read. I feel with you and understand your fears. I am sure psychotherapie will help you to transform fear into confidence.
If you didn`t do it already, pleace make a purifying ritual in your home. (smudging ?) You can find on YouTube how to do it or you can engage someone who is doing it professionaly. https://youtu.be/dIc4cJj-ZPA
All my best wishes for you and your wonderful family from Switzerland.
Elfe (Sorry, my English is not perfect)
Dear Eva,
My heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot imagine the stress, the worry,
the heartache, the guilt, and so many other emotions that you have been feeling. You are a wonderful family and I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourself first. My prayers are with you and I hope that you are able to pull through this as an even stronger family unit. All my love and prayers to the Martino family.
I don’t think I’ve never commented here before but I just wanted to say you are so brave and a great mama and I’m confident you will find your feet again so to speak. You’ve been through so much in a short about of time. Wishing you all the best ?
Thank you for sharing this with your readers. I know it was heavy on your heart. You are so strong and brave. Sending love and hugs Eva! You need to take time to nurture yourself….for you, Kyle, Marlowe and Major. I’m so sorry to hear that baby Major was injured…I don’t think anyone can blame you for not trusting anyone with your Babe or being cautious with sharing this information. I know the trust you need to have to ask someone to care for your child…I also as a Family Nanny…know the responsibilities that the caretaker has. I wish I had the magic words to ease you heart and mind…I don’t. Trust yourself and you family….I send love and healing your way. May 2017 bring you and yours love, laughter, peace and good times.
Love and hugs!
Auntie Sue
My heart goes out to you and your family for having to endure a string of terrifying accidents. Thank you for being so open and sharing your feelings. Please take the time you need to heal! All the best to you!
Eva, I don’t know you, but I know you because of your openness and honesty that you share on this blog. Reading this made my heart drop to my stomach for you and your family. I am so happy to hear Major is okay. I am sending prayers in your families direction. Thank you for always being so open and honest and making mothers like me feel normal for the way we feel. You some how always puts the feelings and emotions of motherhood perfectly together in this blog. I always feel stronger after reading your words. I hope you feel that as well. I hope this break gives you what you need and that you are able to find some peace. Thank you for your words. Sending love! Happy New Year and I look forward to your return.
I will carve my comments very carefully, since I am a proud member of your tribe. My observation is that you give 100% to everything you do. There is no failure here, but rather overload. Your love and dedication are remarkable. That is why we care about you so much. “Happily” New Year!
Wow! You have been through a lot! It’s no wonder you are struggling, anybody would be. Please take care of you and do whatever you need to do to come to terms. I’m so sorry you and your family have had to go through all this. Peace and love to you all.
Praying for you and your sweet family. Thankful that major is healing well and praying for a quick emotional healing for you, mama!
My heart goes out to you, Eva. What a horrible accident you’ve all had to go through, but I’m so relieved to hear that everyone is okay. The new year is always about taking stock of what’s important – physically, mentally and emotionally. Thank you for being so open about your journey to heal yourself. You’re a strong, inspiring woman, and hearing about your own struggles will be helpful to so many us. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way. xoxo
oh wow that is so intense!:( How utterly scary for you, I am so sorry that happened and so glad your boy is okay! It is totally understandable to be in a place of fear after that. Life shakes us up a lot, it is not an easy world. And with kids to care for we can get so overwhelmed. I too have had some very difficult and life altering years with some illnesses out of the blue that have rocked me to my core and which I continue to deal with. Life is not an easy road! And neither is parenting. I like to think there is a place called heaven in which we get to live out our lives with bliss and perfection, with our loved ones and without all of the fears and traumas that this embodied life brings. Somehow that gives me comfort. A lot of wise people have written or said that being a human is one of the most difficult incarnations! Sometimes that perspective gives me comfort. Thanks for sharing your struggle- it is a rough road for all of us, the older we get the more we have to keep finding our faith again and again after hardships, and keep praying to our angels to keep us safe.
Eva – I just want to commend you for all you are doing and send a word of encouragement. Your family is your legacy and I think you are right to focus on them and you right now. Don’t short change yourself – take the the time you need to get better. Wishing you a wonderful start to 2017!
Wow. What an incredible, intense and honest piece of writing. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Now go, take care of yourself, allow others to take care of you — and have a happy, healthy and waaay less stressful 2017. We love you!
Dear Eva,thank you for sharing,i just want you to know that i go through the same feelings and anxiety,i know how you feel,we all human and i am sure you will overcome this,i am so happy little Major is doing ok,must have been such a scary experience,i love Major and Marlowe with all my heart and i am really happy everything is fine,your family deserves all the happiness in the world,sending all my love and prayers and well wishes
You poor lamb! Can’t imagine how awful that must have been for you. You’re doing the best thing trying to learn from it and help yourself move forward.
Here’s to a wonderful 2017
Xx
Good luck mama! Congrats on your bravery on such a personal piece that I’m sure lots of other moms can relate to. Praying for you and your family!
Eva , so sorry to hear that happened to you! Prayers to you & your family! Glad everyone is alright. I know you will get through this with the love of your family. Happy New Year!
Sending lots of love and prayers to you Eva and your family. Thank you agin for always sharing your truth in hopes of helping someone else. Here is to a Healthy and Happy New Year!
What beautiful honest words.
I’m so sorry this happened to sweet baby Major and that you’re going through it- any mother would feel the same way. Take care of yourself, sending much love your way! Happy new year to you and your beautiful family!
Transitioning to a family of four was very difficult for me, it still is and my baby is 18 months. Adding the trauma you experienced on top of that, I can’t even imagine how that felt. As moms we tend to take the blame for everything, and are harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be. I really hope that you are able to find your peace, you deserve it. Happy New Year to your beautiful family!!
Wishing you strength and healing. From one mom to another, we are all just doing the best we can.
Thank you so much Eva for writing this. I’m so sorry for what your family has gone through and understand the emotions you are feeling. A very close friend of mine also went through this with her second born and it took her months to tell me about it, because like you said – it was just too hard and too real. I know we’ve never met but I’m in the Fashion Mamas global group ? I used to live in LA and my family and I just moved back home to Houston. I dealt with post partum anxiety and have always struggled with some form of anxiety that I try to keep regulated with my thyroid medicine but pregnancy really throws a wrench in all that so I totally understand how you feel just trying to keep it all together and keep yourself healthy which usually takes the backseat. I will pray your family and you can find healing in 2017, and you’ve actually inspired me to write a similar blog post I’ve been debating over for the past week. Thank you for your honestly and God bless.
Cammeo
Praying for you and your beautiful family.
-MSB
Happy New Year to you and your beautiful family. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and admire both your honesty and that you will work with someone to help you sort out your emotions/feelings. Wishing you all the best!
You are extremely brave to have shared this with so many people, many judging you when they shouldn’t. What you are going through is not easy, and seeking help will guide you in moving forward, with a renewed confidence in yourself and in others. The words I write are from experience. I wish you peace health and joy now and always.
Prayers of strength and healing for you beautiful mama. May 2017 be everything you need and deserve filled with much love, health and happiness. Thank God Major is well. Best to your lil family. Get well soon. Your loyal readers will be here waiting. XO
First, i would like to start by saying: Happy New Year!! May 2017 bring peace, love and HEALTH! i am SO very happy that baby Major is doing ok, thinking about what could have been, shakes me to my core. In reading this post, you have just described many of the feelings i have been struggling with since having my first baby boy. I also have been dealing with severe anxiety over something happening to him, him getting hurt, etc. Although, i understand that my anxiety may be a bit too much sometimes, i and am trying so very hard to keep it in check so as to not transmit it to my baby, i am so glad to read uplifting words from you. Although i do not wish these feelings on my worst enemy, it makes me feel a bit better that i can overcome this. Reading your words give me hope. And for that, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you peace and forgiveness for yourself. I do not know you personally, but i can see that you are the BEST mommy to your beautiful kids. We will overcome this! Thank you for sharing and giving some of us hope!
This post touched my heart. Thank you for your honesty. Over the years, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety and now I’m married with two kids. I’m doing better than I have in years actually but reading your description of how you felt…it brought back some of my past feelings and emotions. I wish you the best and congratulations on realizing we all need help in this life and none of us can do it alone.
My heart hurts for you. Although I am not arrogant enough to say I know what you’re going through, I can sympathize. My 2 yo daughter has had some very scary falls – once off the side of a very tall bed and landed on her head…another when she managed to lodge a metal hanger IN HER GUM – and you just replay these things over and over again in your mind and beat yourself up that you didn’t stop it. That you weren’t paying better attention. That you weren’t right there when you “should’ve” been. That somehow you could’ve stopped whatever it was from happening. It makes you vulnerable and on edge and an emotional mess because you realize how quickly things can go wrong. It’s an awful feeling. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but thank God Major is just fine and Marlowe is too. You are acknowledging you need help and that is very important. Prayers for you and your family.
I cannot imagine how terrified you must’ve felt. I also have young children, 4 year old twins, and feel like I’m treading water most of the time. But experiencing that trauma on top of everything must be crippling. It does sound like PTSD. I hope you find healing and peace through therapy. Meditation or acupuncture might help too. Take care of yourself so you are able to take care of your family. Sending positive energy. ❤
Eva.. my mommy heart goes out to you big time.You are truly an AMAZING mother ok Amazing!!! Accidents happen many mothers have dropped their babies before and everything worked out ok.I think you definitely put a lot on your plate with work too.As you know we think we feel “fine” weeks after but it really takes much longer to heal and breast feeding adds all the hormones and makes us even crazier on top of not sleeping.I hope you are able to soon not let this consume you and enjoy your two healthy beautiful kids.
Thank you for sharing this, even though it couldn’t have been easy. Best wishes to you and your family as you find a new balance.
You strong woman-
Have faith my dear woman that through this struggle you will come out stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible.
Please try the 4-7-8 breathing technique- dr Andrew Weil shows a video of himself on how to do it–
I have 5 children ages 6,13,16,19 and 21. When my 19 yr old was 6 months old and already crawling- I left our basement door open so our dog could come up — I went to answer the phone when I hear the most sickening sound of my 6 month old falling down a flight of wooden stairs and landing on a concrete slab. By the grace of God he was ok-but it took me awhile to get over it and forgive myself.
I will pray for you to forgive yourself and know that you are a wonderful mother of two beautiful children.
Thank you for sharing
Happy new year!!
I am so incredibly sorry you are dealing with such immensely emotional circumstances right now, especially during a time that “should” be so magical and happy. I wrote my first ever comment on a blog to your post regarding your post partum struggles with Marlowe. I too have a 2.5 year old daughter, suffered from PPA and eventually gave myself shingles 2 years ago. I now have a 5 month old daughter, and was ecstatic that this time around things would be different. I wouldn’t be so stressed, breastfeeding/mothering/all the things would come easier. However, our newest little one brought us a new set of challenges that ultimately left me right back where I was the first time around: with both PPA and PPD. Long story short, Audrey (my 5 month old) has some bad intolerances, but during the process to figure that out, we were in and out of the pediatrician’s and specialist’s office (even had her get an upper GI which literally triggered my PPA and PPD and also gave me post traumatic stress of seeing her strapped down under the X-ray machine while I had to feed her a barium swallow). My guilt was immense and the sadness washed over me with such power, it felt debilitating. My purpose of sharing this is that part of my sadness came when I would see how fantastic friends of mine were doing with their little babies, and I would wish the same for me. It helped to hear the real deal from other moms no matter how big or small their struggles appeared to be. Ultimately talking to a therapist and taking a low dose of Zoloft was the right mix to getting me back to feeling like my happy-go-lucky self once again. I’m not 100% there, but when I sit and reflect where I was just 2 months ago, it’s like another life ago. Here’s to hoping you find a productive solution for yourself, whatever that may be. The first step in feeling better is acknowledging that things aren’t wonderful at the moment, and that a little help from others would go a long way. And you are clearly doing exactly that. I wish nothing but health and happiness for you and your family in 2017!
Eva!
I think it’s incredibly brave and insightful for you to open up and share this with all of us. I cannot imagine how upsetting and challenging it was to go thru something so harrowing, especially with him being so young and you being so new into your postpartum period! I’m so grateful that your handsome little Prince is okay, and I’m extremely thankful to you for sharing this story! Take care and a Happy New Year to you, Kyle, Marlowe and Major! XO
Erin
Thinking of you and your family. May 2017 bring peace to you. Take as much time as you need. We will all be here with open arms when you come back. Xo.
So sorry to hear what you’re dealing with! While I would never be so bold as to recommend an approach to feeling more at ease Inwill tell you:
1- hospitals DO suck. Avoid them except for emergencies, and be your own advocate
2- my wife dropped my son on his head a few times, and I banged his head into an overhead beam during a shoulder ride. He is now an honors student. Shit happens, and people are built to endure it
3- you are probably doing the right thing at all times. Believe it
4- chemistry makes us feel wonky. Knowing that it is chemistry helps!
Happy and healthy 2017! See you on Instagram (I like to draw #sundaymorningsketch, should you care for an occasional pick me up)
So glad that Major is ok! Parenthood is definitely not easy and trying to juggle caring wholeheartedly for your children and yourself at the same time is a superhuman task as far as I’m concerned. Be kind to yourself and I hope the new year brings you what you need to feel 100% like yourself!
I read this through tears. You are so brave for sharing and are obviously an incredible mother. As a mom of 2 (3 and 7 months) I find that I’m at my best when I’m honest with myself. I wish you and your family a very happy new year. Looking forward to reading your posts when you are back! Hugs!
First, I would like to offer my condolences. I completely understand the ridiculously overwhelming struggle of PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and my heart is with you during this time.
Second, I would like to say that you are incredibly brave, not only as a fierce mother and wife, but for this amazingly raw honesty. I’m so sorry you went through these terrifying experiences, but I have absolutely no doubt that, with the help of your kick-ass support system, you WILL pull through this. You can do this.
Finally, please know that you are not alone, no matter how much it might seem like it sometimes, and should you ever need to talk to someone who understands, whether it’s to vent or to be lifted up, despite the fact that I’m just some random mom on the internet, my inbox is always open.
I fully understand! My daughter did not have an accident but I had the same anxieties and overwhelming fears. I was eventually diagnosed with post partum anxiety (which doesn’t get the attention ppd gets). Apparently, it’s very common but was almost dibilutating. I was able to get a hold of it with counseling, but if I’m being honest, I wasn’t ok or myself until I was done breastfeeding and my hormones returned to normal. I would have been an inpatient myself if we had an accident during my struggle. Take your time. Talking it out helps. And the horrible visions and fears eventually subside. I am still a bit of a helicopter parent – I hover at the park and in new situations – but it’s much better.
Oh Eva there is so much things I want to say but my English is not good enough (i’m french), it takes courage to face the truth, and that’s what you do! Good job Martino! I wish you the best! Hugs or as we say here Je vous embrasse
Caroline
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Praying that you find the healing you need. There’s a reason why women are given six weeks off work. To recover not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Take all the time you need. I know I will still be here when you get back. Peace and blessings to you and your family.
Eva, I love your writing so much. Sending you prayers and good vibes as you take some time off. I can’t imagine how horrifying Major’s accident was for you. If the trolls come out and are critical, ignore them. You are such a beautiful person and clearly such a great mom. Best of luck as you try to get yourself back to normal.
This was so emotional to read as a mom of one and pregnant with number two!! My hormones are on edge right now…and I’ll never ever forget how on edge they were after having my son! I cried so much. I thought I was experiencing post partum depression and maybe was in certain ways. It’s so hard and no one talks about it. And yet I was so happy and in love…and felt awful complaining because it took us two years to actually conceive. I cannot imagine feeling like this, on top of going through this with Major. You are brave and bold to share the story (completely understand why you could not right away also)…I have no doubt that you are making the right steps to face the fears and move forward!
You are soooo precious! What a raw, beautiful, honest testimony to the hard part of life. I lost my husband of 31 yrs, and went to a very scary dark place, probably under the quicksand! Through perseverence, and alot of therapy I made it back, just as you will too. Words seem shallow in the face of what you’ve been, and are experiencing…Just know that you’ve deeply touched the heart of this widow, who is also a grandma, and lives deep in the heart of Texas…Blessings, Michele
How brave if you to share! What a scary time. I am so happy that everyone is ok and that you are taking time for you. You are so loved and strong!!!
You are such a wonderful inspiration! God bless you and your family ??.
Major truly is a sweet little miracle! Thank you for sharing this because now you will be in the thoughts and prayers of this community and can really begin to heal. I pray that any guilt is released from you and you can look back on this traumatic event and only remember the miracle that took place, not the what ifs. Take some time to take care of you! We will be here when you get back❤️
Definitely take time to step back and take care of you, Eva. Self care is so important and nothing about how you are feeling is shameful or uncommon. I had PPD and severe anxiety after my first daughter 2 years ago, and I’m still working through it with the help of my dr after the birth of my second just a month ago. The sooner you get the help you need that suits your lifestyle, the sooner you can go back to feeling like yourself and being the mother you know you can be for those wonderful babies. It can be a long road but one you will look back on with pride – the fact that you recognize you feel this way means you are incredibly strong and resilient.
I wish you & your family so much health and happiness in 2017!
As a pediatric ER nurse, I can assure you that infants have skull fractures and bleeds more than necessary. However, they are accidental and the amazing thing about infants, babies, and children is that they are extremely resilient. More times then not, they’re accidents; we’re humans and we make mistakes. There is no one to blame. I’m glad that you were able to forgive the night nurse and I’m sure you will eventually find peace within to forgive yourself. You children are absolutely gorgeous! Enjoy every minute with them. Happy 2017!
Eva,
Thank you for showing strength to all of your followers! As a mother to a rambucious 2 year old little girl, and a boy due in 3 months, I get it. It’s overwhelming at times. When I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, (after a late miscarriage earlier in the year) my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and 6 weeks before I had my daughter, my grandmother passed away suddenly. As ridiculous as it sounds, those moments that happen to you while pregnant, or as a new mother, stick with you. I have moments where I am totally frozen and can’t catch my breath thinking all of these things will happen again as I am pregnant again. Postpartum is so real and so many of us struggle with it. I did, and I admit it proudly. Take care of yourself, and your family, and we look forward to hearing from you soon!
Eva I’ve been following you for a while. I’ve watched Marlo’s “you have nothing baby” video a million times lol. And aside from wanting to just ask for more of those the point is that I see you and yor life and think it’s perfect and that mine is not. I’m single, still trying to find mister right and just not feeling fulfilled but you seem to have it all. I really appreciate your honesty in what you’ve been dealing with I hope you feel a bit better and know that we all struggle with a lot of things every day, everyone has their shit! You are really inspiring and I love you and your family. Thanks for being you!!
Wow! Eva I’m so sorry about what you are going through, you are so strong , being able to keep functioning after all these heart wrenching experiences are a true testament of the woman you are, you truly need to take time to heal, I know it’s easier said than done because we are mothers and above all we always put our family’s needs first! My mom always says that God never gives you things you can not handle, and I’m sure you will get through this, stronger than ever! I wish you all the best, I hope your heart will find peace and tranquility that you need! God bless you and your beautiful family!
Being a parent, heck–being a human, is scary sometimes. ??? keep troopin’
Sending so so so so so much love and peace your way. I don’t have words, and even if I did – I too suffer from anxiety and know that others words can help slightly, but anxiety seems to only be calmed by ourselves in our own time. Take your time, – and be gracious with yourself. You are allowed all of it, even the most irrational bits. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am not a mother but I have greatly enjoyed following you on Instagram and your blog has made me smile, laugh and at times introspective. As a healthcare professional and a human I am amazed with how open and frank you are with your fans and followers. Take your time and come back feeling like your riding the wave of life, rather than being pulled into the undertow.
Oh sweet momma, we’ve all been where you are! You’re an excellent mother and know that this is the path you’re supposed to be on – let go and learn (and don’t look for the would’ve/should’ve done something differently). Whatever higher power you believe in, trust him/her/it and take a breath. Motherhood is most about teaching us to slow down and forgive ourselves! God bless you and keep telling yourself that this to shall pass because it always does (and you usually come out the other side stronger, more wise and grateful). Xoxo
First off, you have to forgive yourself….these things do happen to everyone (my 4 month old rolled off the bed after I fell asleep next to her-she was okay thank God and is a healthy almost 16 year old!! I was an hysterical mess in the ER when the nurse told me that I wasn’t the terrible parent I was declaring myself to be) and anyone who follows your blog knows the love and care that you have for your family is enormous! Focusing on your family, allowing yourself to lighten the load a bit to tend to yourself is absolutely necessary…we try to be superwomen 24/7 doing everything and beating ourselves up for not getting it all done…what we forget is that we are superwomen, we are mothers who love our children beyond words, that love is what makes the world go round! Take good care, be kind to yourself…much love to you
Take care of you and your beautiful family…all your loyal followers will be waiting when you are ready to come back!
Thank you for sharing, your honesty will help more people than you can ever imagine. We see ourselves and loved ones in your post. I am thankful I read it.
I especially thankful that you have something so great to celebrate, the health of your baby boy. I wish you peace and true joy.
Omg! I’m so sorry this happened to you guys! You guys have had such bad luck with outside help, even if this was a complete freak accident. I don’t blame you one bit for the way you’ve been feeling. As mothers all we want is for our children to be safe, happy, and healthy, definitely not to see them in any pain!! I’m so so glad he is fine!! It’s amazing how resilient kids are. I hope you take the time to get the care you need for yourself and your family. I really believe as moms we have to take care of ourselves too in order to take better care of our family. Wishing you guys GOOD things this year!! xo
Thank you for sharing and your honesty. Motherhood (and life) are not easy. Do what’s best for you and your family and we will be here when you come back!
Too many horrifying accidents for one momma to endure. You are doing great, and I hope you can hold your family tight and start to ease your mind. I am so sorry for all that has happened, and so glad everyone turned out just fine. And about that appetite… doughnuts? nachos? There must be something you can indulge in. 😉 You deserve a treat. Or 6000. Take care of yourself. Much love to you.
Thank you for your share, Eva. I’m so glad that Major is okay! I can’t even imagine how traumatizing that would be! I think you are a wonderful mama and I know you have the strength and the courage to work through this. I’ll keep you on my thoughts and prayers and send you a white light of healing. ?
Oh my gosh I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’m so glad Major is ok! Don’t ever blame yourself for what happened, you’re not the only family to use a night nurse. I almost dropped my son twice in the hospital and the “what- ifs” were almost paralyzing but I was able to work through it luckily, and I know you will too! You are an amazing mom and a sweet lovely person. Marlowe’s videos make my day lol
Take care xo
My heart goes out to you. As a mother who made a tragic mistake that took the life of my daughter what you’re feeling IS normal. I’m glad you’re able to work through this with a therapist and learn new coping skills. You’re an amazing mother and wife. Thank you for sharing your truth. That takes strength to be vulnerable. Sending love.
<3
This was probably so very difficult to share – and any parent will understand just how traumatic these feelings are. Something similar happened when our daughter was a few months old and we had such guilt and trauma from it all. Our daughter is of course also perfect and healthy – in time it won’t feel so clear in your head, and I hope the therapy and time off from the blog will give you one peace. *hugs!*
EAM,
Even in the imperfection of life, you find the perfect words to convey true feeling and openess. Your post today is reflective of your unbelievable and amazing strength. Thank you for your constant realness, for opening up your life to the world. It’s so beautiful. I am so thankful everyone at the Martino house is healthy and for the care they received! Thoughts, love and prayers are being sent to you now and for the healing days ahead. You are an incredible human being and I appreciate your blog so very much. Happy New Year ??
Bloody hell, Eva. How on earth have you been coping? My heart goes out to you and your family, what an incredibly stressful time you’ve had. You def need quality time together, focusing on healing and coping strategies. I lost my father when my eldest was only 8 months old and a lot of the things you describe are exactly how I felt (and still sometimes feel) in times of high anxiety and stress. My own diagnosis was that it comes from having a strong Type A personality and feeling completely and utterly not in control of a situation. I sincerely hope you find a therapist you ‘click’ with and who can help you out ASAP. Massive hugs, sweet girl, am sending you all the positive vibes from England xx
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. Being honest with your struggle will be a gift to many! We all go through difficult times and it is a testament to your strength that you’re still fighting like a badass (even if you don’t feel like it) and able to share your heartache. Take all the time that you need to take care of yourself.
You are so brave in telling your story. I went through a similar experience after having my first. Nothing traumatic happened but my fear was that it would. I was like you – could not eat, sleep or function. The night was the worst. It felt like impending doom because it was when my fear was the strongest. I too was breastfeeding and it was affected and worrying about my supply only made it worse. It honestly was the worst time of my life when it was supposed to be the best time of my life. The thing that made it better for me was talking about it with anyone that would listen. I told my husband, doctors, friends, family, people on the street. It felt good to get it out. And in time it did get better but there was no immediate cure unfortunatley. So my advice if any to you is to keep doing what you are doing – talk to a therapist, your husband, your mom, anyone and everyone. And you too in time will heal. You will look back like I do and think how strong you were to get through such a tough time. You can do it…stay strong and know you will heal with time. Good luck!
Happy New Year Eva! I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now and love it. Incredibly, my daughter is a week younger than Marlowe, and my son a week younger than Major. I’m also a girl who loves being a Mum (it’s my best job), but needs more than being a Mum in life to make her feel truly fulfilled. And like Major, my son has been in hospital several times since he was born in October (all fine now).
All this has meant that reading your blog has made me feel like I have been talking to a close friend, just like me, that is going through exactly what I’ve been going through. I often read it during those middle-of-the-night feedings (!) and smiled to myself at the similarities.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I hope you have some well-deserved time off with your lovely family.. Remember the old mantra that gets mothers through everywhere: this, too, shall pass!
Isabella
New Zealand
Firstly thank goodness Major is ok and healing after his accident. What a traumatic and scary time for you all.
Secondly thank you for opening up about this, although scary and heart wrenching (fornyou as well as your readers), it’s hopefully a step in the right direction for you. All the very best for 2017 and looking forward to your return ?
I have been there, and it’s so terrifying. I am so sorry, but proud of you for taking care of yourself. You need this momma. Sending you so much love and compassion ❤️️❤️️
Take good care of yourself. You are doing exactly weekdays right for your family. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this with your little ones so young but seeking help will make a huge difference. Big hugs and God Bless. You have a beautiful family!
Motherhood is beautiful but it can be so unbelievably terrifying. As a mother of a soon-to-be 2 year old, I found your post so relatable and raw and human. As I was reading, I was thinking everything you went on to say: ptsd, ppd, take a break and focus on your family. I’m typing this while sitting in my mother’s living room (while she’s out shopping for a new tv with my husband ?) as my son naps peacefully in my lap. Normally, I would stress over how he’s not at home, sleeping in his crib, and how I shouldn’t have nursed him to sleep, but you know what, none of those worries matter in the grand scheme of it all. Thank you for this post and for the reminder to all mothers to love ourselves with a little less judgment as we embark upon this new year. ❤️
I’m so sorry! That’s too much for any momma to deal with! Blessings to your family in 2017!
You will come out of this… you will be a different person, and the fabric of your life will add this experience to contribute to the person you are to become. I hope you are able to take the time you need to heal from these experiences. Take care of yourself, Eva! Sending thoughts your way!
Thank you for sharing a story that must have been pretty painful to write and relive. I so enjoy your posts and reading about your beautiful family not because it is picture perfect, but because it is real. Funny, traumatic, sad,sweet but all real. All of us moms are doing our best, and we judge ourselves enough where public criticism is not necessary. We all have to do what we need to make it through the days. Take your time with your health and I look forward to more posts in the future!
You are my hero. You speak your truth – the good and the bad. I have a 12 year old and a ten month old and adjusting to a family of four with a new husband and stepdad issues and a new baby has been overwhelming to say the least. My baby crawled off the bed and hit the solid tile ground, hard, but is okay. Thank God. Take your time. My intentions this year are to be kinder to myself – mind and body – my husband and my kids! Good luck and looking forward to your return!
Dear Eva, I have recently started following you, both on Twitter and Instagram, and I can honestly say your posts give me joy. The videos of Marlowe are absolutely priceless. As I read your posts and watch the videos, I believe that you are just like the rest of us, a mom who loves her kids dearly and would do anything for them. Your post about Major brought me to tears. I wish you all peace and happiness. Be strong.
Eva, so glad Major is okay, how unbelievably scary. I can empathize with your feelings, since becoming a parent a couple years ago I have struggled with higher anxiety. Kudos to you for doing what you need for yourself and your family. I hope 2017 brings you more inner peace and light. Take care of you. Best!
How terrible and awful! So glad he’s OK! Of course you’re traumatized!
Thank you for sharing Eva. Not an easy thing to speak of and just have to say accidents are just that accidents. For anyone to say anything about what you all choose to do with your life or family is ridiculous. Mental health is no joke and hard to face sometimes. You are an insanely busy mom, wife and business owner and the decision to take a small break is a brilliant one. It’s hard to say I need help or a break but it’s human and that’s how we grow and develop. Thank you for the rawness of this post, big hugs coming your way.
Oh Eva I’m so so sorry for what you have been going through. I’m so happy and relieved Major is ok. Thank you for sharing your struggle we as humans can only help each other if we are honest and true to ourselves. They always say if sharing your story helps just one more person then it was so worth it. Thank you for being so open. You will get through these feelings and come back stronger on the other side. Much love.
Take time for yourself and your family. I hope you find peace and yourself again. Your readers will be here when you get back 🙂
Your story is one I needed to hear. I can relate to it in so many ways. I also suffer from anxiety and try to plaster a smile on my face and carry on while like you said so well, ignore the storm below the surface. I fear death , more accurately my sons dying that I cannot truly relax if they are not with me. My oldest started college this year and lives away. As happy as I am for his new experience, I fear for his safety. My anxiety took a turn for the worse when I lost my mother to cancer 10 years ago and then her brother 5 years later.
I tried meds for a short period but hated the side effects. Your advice to yourself is one I’m going to try myself. Self care. I’m so sorry this happened to your family. Two traumatic events so close together. I’ll be praying for you Eva. You have this platform to help us, your readers.
Thank you for your honesty and God bless.
I am so sorry you went through this trauma. Tears sprung to my eyes as I read your story. Moms feel emotions so deeply for their children (in ways that are really impossible to put into words I’ve found), and I can’t imagine being in your shoes during those days with that poor little pumpkin. I know all of us, as readers who just get a small taste of your lovely family, are thankful he is ok. Wishing you the best for 2017!
Jessica Martin
To you all, sending you love, light and healing after such a trauma. You are such a wise mama to look after yourself like this for you, Kyle and the babies. Feel better soon, feel stronger soon and feel yourself again soonest. with love always xxxx
Oh my goodness! I’m so happy Major is doing well! Very heartbreaking to read and I really really admire you for sharing.. speechless
Eva,
I cannot imagine the pain you are and have gone through. Your strength in opening up from a vulnerable state is a positive step in the right direction. I wish you nothing but health, happiness, and strength in the coming months to helping you regain your mental health, and confidence. So proud of you for taking the healthy right steps towards healing. So happy to hear Major is on the road to recovery and resilience.
Much love, health, and happiness to you and your family in 2017!
Warmly,
Alexis Denn
I cannot thank you enough for your bravery in sharing this unbelievablely traumatic experience with all of us. I am a mother of 3, and have had trips to the ER, calls from school where your heart sinks, but your story is downright gut wrenching. I am so terribly sorry you and your family have had to go through all this. I cannot imagine. It’s a miracle your baby is unscathed. Thank god. Of course you have PTSD, are you kidding?!? I cannot believe you have been able to post anything at all. What you experienced is god awful, and will take time to heal. Be gentle with yourself, give your self the love and self care for as long as it takes…WITH ZERO GUILT. God bless!
I’m truly sorry for what you and your family are going through. My deepest prayers are being sent your way. It sounds like you need to take some “me time”. You deserve it.
1. Your hubby is a rare treasure.
2. Your family is beautiful
3. Let go and let God. It helps a lot
4. Forgive yourself, Momma Bear. Stuff happens. Work with the therapist, that’s absolutely the right way to go.
5. Loan the kids to Grandma and have a date night at least once a month. It will help on a few fronts.
Take care and be well.
Your story is an inspiration and thank you for sharing. I know many of us have gone through experiences that involve our children or loved ones and our reactions and feelings are the same. Your candor will help many understand we are not alone. Your children are beautiful.
Sending you and yours some good vibes, Eva! xo
I’ll be honest. I could not read this post in it’s entirety. As the first time mother of a 2 month old perfect little boy, this is one of my biggest fears. Especially because we have a home with tiled floors. You are absolutely right though. I feel like I spend so much time worrying about the worst things that can happen to him. Most definitely a human mistake that can and does happen. Thank God your little one is alright.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to your sweet boy. Take care of yourself and that lovely family.
I’m always so happy when I see women talk about postpartum. I suffered through this after my son was born. It is not talked about enough and should be. You are very brave, stronger than you think and now a hero to many. Get yourself the help you deserve. Seek professional help like many of us have. Best wishes!
Sending you love and light as you dig in to get the help you deserve for you and your family. xo
I feel for you so much! I get it! I have 5 children ages 5,8,10,12 and 14. Last May, my 14 yr. old had some trouble with her tonsils (they were swollen and she was choking on water) and the Dr. at the ER gave her an epi pen injection to relieve the swelling even though it was not an allergic reaction. They said there would be ZERO side effects other than her hands being jittery. She had a seizure type reaction, her eyes rolled back in her head and she lost consciousness for a few seconds. I FREAKED out even though she was fine within seconds but even now, if she has ANYTHING wrong with her, I physically become so anxious, I can barely breath. With the other kids, I am still relatively calm but with her, I am emotionally tied to what I saw and I just flip out. I think it will take awhile to move past it. You just have to take it one day at a time. XO
I feel like I could have written this blog post. My oldest son was 5 when he too, fell and fractured his skull. We were staying one night at a friend’s house on the way to moving to another state. Somehow one of the eight children between us spilled some water on the kitchen floor. My son came running into the room and he fell so hard and so fast he didn’t have a chance to catch himself. I was in the same room, feet away from him. The sound of his head hitting that hard flood was a sound like no other. On one hand the next few minutes were a blur but on the other they were the nightmares that haunted me for over a year. I picked him up, he was limp, he finally came to and his face was partially paralyzed, blood was pouring from his ear. I was pretty sure he was dying right there before my eyes. It was horrifying, He kept trying to fall asleep in the ambulance and I was just sure if he fell asleep he would never wake up. We spent Mother’s Day weekend (I don’t celebrate anymore) in a strange city’s PICU. It took about two weeks for him to go back to his normal self. Unfortunately the skull fracture went through his inner ear and left him completely deaf on the side of the skull fracture. But he could have died, so it could have been a lot worse. 4 years later I still cry when I think about it. I still keep him in a car seat because I’m terrified of another head injury. The nightmares have stopped and the PTSD has gotten better. It just takes time. But you aren’t alone. I blame myself for not seeing the spill or not being able to catch him, but it is what it is and you just have to figure out how you can move on. Good luck!
It will get better. I tripped over our dog while carrying our 5 week old son to the bathroom to take shelter from a tornado a during hurricane and power outage. I broke his femur and hit head against the trim of the closet. It was a horrific and traumatizing experience that took me years to recover from emotionally. Like you, I was blessed that my son had no lasting effects, and he is now a healthy, intelligent and athletic 12 year old boy. I will never be able to completely absolve the guilt I feel for hurting him, but I have reconciled the fact that is was an accident that occurred in during a very stressful situation. Please seek help of you are not able to recover from the trauma on your own. You need to do this not only for yourself, but for your son and family as well. This does not define you as a parent. It will always be with you, but that is ok. Please also know that you are not alone. Best of luck To you all as you heal and move on to what I hope will be a wonderful 2017 for your new family of four. Much love to you all.
Wow. And wow. This brings me to tears. As mothers no one is harder on ourselves than us. We all need to learn to forgive ourselves more and be there for one another.
And thank you for being here for all of us.
I feel like I could have written this blog post. My oldest son was 5 when he too, fell and fractured his skull. We were staying one night at a friend’s house on the way to moving to another state. Somehow one of the eight children between us spilled some water on the kitchen floor. My son came running into the room and he fell so hard and so fast he didn’t have a chance to catch himself. I was in the same room, feet away from him. The sound of his head hitting that hard flood was a sound like no other. On one hand the next few minutes were a blur but on the other they were the nightmares that haunted me for over a year. I picked him up, he was limp, he finally came to and his face was partially paralyzed, blood was pouring from his ear. I was pretty sure he was dying right there before my eyes. It was horrifying, He kept trying to fall asleep in the ambulance and I was just sure if he fell asleep he would never wake up. We spent Mother’s Day weekend (I don’t celebrate anymore) in a strange city’s PICU. It took about two weeks for him to go back to his normal self. Unfortunately the skull fracture went through his inner ear and left him completely deaf on the side of the skull fracture. But he could have died, so it could have been a lot worse. 4 years later I still cry when I think about it. I still keep him in a car seat because I’m terrified of another head injury. The nightmares have stopped and the PTSD has gotten better. It just takes time. But you aren’t alone. I blame myself for not seeing the spill or not being able to catch him, but it is what it is and you just have to figure out how you can move on. Good luck!!
Please see a counselor. It’ll help tremendously. I have seen a counselor since I was 6 months pregnant and suffering from perinatal depression/anxiety. It has helped so much. Along with taking my placenta pills. I have a lot of irritational thoughts as well but with my pills, counseling and a supportive husband I’m slim so much better. I’m currently 1 month PP and it’s HARD but with help I’m doing okay. Prayers to you & your family.
Kyle look into gutter guards , you never have to clean them again .
Marlowe , thats why kids are short they don’t have that far to fall .
Major is in early training for that round ball that one kicks and bounces off ones head .
Eva the vision in Starbucks not to worry it comes from your mothers genes , with time you’ll have Irwin Allen visions .
Baby steps for all , we learn and heal with time .
Hospitals creep me out , your not alone .
Your constant honesty and bravery in every piece of writing you post is always so admirable and appreciated by myself and everyone who reads your blog, Eva. My heart aches for what you and your family have had to go through, and I’m SO relieved to hear that Majy Boy is going to be just fine. I’m not a mama yet, but I hope to be one day and my stomach completely dropped reading your words. I can only hope to have an ounce of the strength you do and I’m so glad to hear you are taking the time you need. Again, thank you for always being so honest and forthright with your thoughts – it’s absolutely what sets you apart and thank you for letting us follow along! We are all thinking of you. Sending love and hugs your way! Xo – Molly
I’m sorry this happened to your son, to you and to your family. Do WHATEVER you have to do to take care of yourself. Best of luck on your journey.
Thank God Major is ok. So thankful he is okay. I am so sorry you have been suffering. Don’t beat yourself up. Stay mindful and in the present moment and get help. I will be praying for you. Positive energy to you. You have lots of support and love behind you.
I can’t imagine the terror you must have felt (and continue to feel). I’m so very glad Major is okay!
Though not formally diagnosed, I recognize the signs of Postpartum Anxiety in myself since day one of motherhood. No traumatic event brought it on, it’s just an abnormal fear of something happening to my daughter. I’ve experienced the same events you described-the waves of nausea and terror, and how difficult it can be to talk yourself down-if you even can.
Stay strong, and thank you so much for sharing. I think it’s time I, too, got some help with coping.
Megan
Eva, my heart goes out to you. You are braver and stronger than you realize, and I admire you for being so candid. You have unknowingly helped a lot of women by sharing what you are going through. I hope you find peace, comfort, and healing in the coming weeks and months. Cheers to a wonderful 2017 for you and your beautiful family!
I’m sure your therapist will offer this solution as an option, but if he/she doesn’t, you might consider asking about and trying a type of therapy called EMDR. It was very helpful for me (and many others I have heard about) for dealing with the feelings and emotions (and anxiety) that can follow a traumatic accident. Best of luck to you!
EMDR should only be carried out by a trained clinician on a patient with a confirmed DSM-V dx of PTSD. Eva hasn’t been diagnosed with PTSD at this point. She has merely diagnosed herself with it. There is a BIG difference.
You are right about post traumatic/post partum being a likely possibility. 3 weeks after giving birth to my son, he had to have surgery, and stopped breathing while in recovery. It was a code blue and an extremely traumatic experience for a new mother full of emotions and hormones. I had irrational fears and thoughts for weeks, months and years after. My thoughts were extremely similar to your fear of walking down the stairs, almost exactly. Take care of yourself, seek help and it is ok to protect your child with a hyper vigilance… it is the fear that you cannot protect them that is debilitating. Stay strong…
Eva, Beautifully written. I’m so sorry for the pain you and your family have experienced. I truly hope and pray you find the peace you deserve. You are an amazing mother for admitting to not being perfect and for realizing that the best thing for them right now is that you get help. That’s the hardest thing to ask for in life I’ve found. There is no shame in it. In my opinion asking for help shows an even more powerful inner strength that we don’t know we have.
God bless you and your beautiful family!
Bridget
Many women face post pardom depression, without the traumatic events you have been through . Take the time to get the help you need , whether that be holistic , therapy , meds , extra help with the kids or a combination of them all . In order to care for your family, you have to care for yourself first. Congratulations on the new baby and Godspeed in the New Year !
definitely take the necessary time for yourself – as a mom of 3 little ones, the most important thing you can do for your kids as well as yourself is be healthy for them, thereby being present for them. social media can read all about your experiences when ur better and up to it again, in fact we can’t wait. have a wonderfully bright 2017 happy new year
Hi Eva,
I didn’t know where I could send you a message, I did send one to you through Instagram. I know exactly what you are going through. I hope you have a chance to read it. I went thru the same thing with my daughter in 2014, when she was 5 weeks old. I am still NOT the same mentally. I don’t want to put it all on here so if there is another way for contact please let me know. You are not alone, and I never have even spoke of our incident to anyone because no one else I know has ever went through it. Much love, take care.
Get yourself healthy again-mind, body, spirit, and soul. You can worry about everything else after that. Take care of you.
Happy New Year to you and your family! I’m so happy little Major is ok and will continue to be ok! Good luck with your therapy and I look forward to new postings!
You are taking care of yourself in the face of trauma and that takes courage. Well done you. Peace and love in 2017.
I have been going through some PTSD (undiagnosed, too) myself from an accident that happened to my daughter 6 months ago. I have moments where I am “normal” again & then bad moments. This last bad moment lasted a week. It’s time for me to get help too. Thanks for sharing!
Oh my goodness my dear. You have had such a harrowing few months and I am so so sorry. I was practically in tears reading this post. On a much more minor scale, my 15 month old just rolled off her changing table yesterday (under my watch!!!!) and I have barely been able to function. (She was fine, thank god) My husband also had an accident at the gym and had to have emergency surgery on his bicep at the beginning of the month and I am pregnant as well. I share this so you know you are not alone at all. I am standing beside you in solidarity and I am praying for you. We will all be here when you get back so take all the time you need and know that we are lifting you up in our hearts. Lots of love from Ohio ❤️❤️❤️❤️
So brave of you to share. I have a little girl two months older than Major and my heart was breaking for you as I read your story. I can’t imagine your heartache. I hope that you find your peace and balance soon. So happy to hear everyone is happy and healthy! Wishing you a happy new year!
What a horrible and tramautic thing to go through. Your bravery for sharing such a personal story had touched me. May God continue to bless you and your family.
My now eleven-year-old son nearly died from metabolic acidosis when he was six. He’s sitting across from me right now asking how lightning is created, thanks to the doctors and nurses in the ER and PICU at Yale. You went to the right place!
I found myself reading this with tears in my eyes. We as mothers often expect absolute perfection from ourselves, when in fact it’s not achievable. Wishing you healing and peace in the New Year. With an understanding that our children will be ok because of us, and sometimes despite us. You are doing your very best, and that is enough.
Sending prayers and good vibes to you and your beautiful family.
Dear Eva,
I work in maternity at my local hospital. New moms drop their babies more than you know. Try not to let the guilt consume you. I know you didn’t drop your son, but it wouldn’t make it any easier if you did. I’m happy you are talking some time away for your own mental and emotional health. I have no doubt 2017 is going to be amazing for you and your family. God bless.
Oh dear…. My heart is sinking and tears come down my face when reading, motherhood is a tough thing, I can relate well… Thanks for sharing!
What an honest post. I’m glad he is okay and that you are taking the time you need to recover. Sleep deprivation combined with a mother’s love is a tough thing. You are doing the best you can, as we all are.
A touching, brave, and brutally honest post.
What a traumatizing series of events for your sweet family. Hang in there, hoping you’ll feel better soon!
A New Years resolution for you in 2017:
Don’t read into the “judgy” comments…some people just. don’t. get. it.
Thank you for your honesty. You are doing the best for yourself and your family by taking the time and care you need. Nothing is more important. Wishing you strength, hope, and peace in the weeks and months to come.
Hi Eva
I just had to say thank you so much for sharing your story. I too have an irrational fear of hospitals. I also suffer from post partum depression. I’ve had a couple of accidents with both my daughters suffering falls at my hands but they’re ok, thank God. Here’s to your family continuing to get better, big hug to you bc it will get better????
Eva,
My heart goes out to you and your family. What a horrible thing to have happen, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am so happy to hear that Major is safe and healthy. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us. Take some time to heal, we will be waiting for you when you come back. Happy new year to you and your family!
I am so sorry to hear your family went through this. The guilt and worry would be overwhelming to anyone faced with similar circumstances. Best of luck to you in the New Year.
Thank you for sharing your story! You have inspired me to deal with my overwhelming anxiety that has been slowly building up. You are right, we deserve to feel better than this! Good luck to you and many thanks!
My heart goes out to you dealing with all of these things. I’m glad Major is doing well and you will be taking more time for yourself, you deserve it. I wish you all the best
As a caregiver for over 15 years, who has been a night nurse as well as a nanny, I’d like to express a few things. Something like this is a caregivers worst nightmare. If you asked someone and they were honest they would say that this is on the top of the list for worst case scenarios. The thing is, it’s a worst case scenario probably for reasons that you would be surprised about. As caregivers we expected to be more than a parent. We are given these tasks that most times parents couldn’t even fulfill, but because it’s our “job” we have to perform. As parents things happen to children all the time in their care, but if something happened to the child in our care then we are terrible at our job and “it would have never happened if the parent was watching the child”. When the truth is it could have happened to anyone. I understand how right now you feel like you can’t trust anyone with your children, it’s understandable, just remember that it could happen with anyone. Hopefully there are people around you that you trust and could help you when you’re ready.
To Caregiver Garcia: I don’t believe this is the time and place to justify or defend the work of a caregiver. Eva is hurting. She is being brutally honest about her fears and her emotional pain. She has stated she forgives. I don’t read one single thing in your comment that could possibly be construed as supportive or of any help to her. Empathy, support, and encouragement would be appropriate here.
Eva: I’m so very thankful your little boy is healing. Praying you heal from all the trauma you have experienced, and find peace despite the storms.
Eva… I’ve followed your blog for the past year and one of the many defining traits that shines through from your words is that you love your children above all else and that their existence has made you who you are today. Trust that the pain and remorse you feel today will, through the grace of God, fade away and be replaced with all of the beautiful moments that are yet to come with your children you have prayed for. I’m so deeply sorry you are experiencing this and so proud you are taking the steps to reflect and become you again through this tragedy. You got this. For yourself, but most importantly, for those kiddos. Sincerely, Kelly from MN (momma of Sam and Ella)
Oh Eva! I’m sending you a virtual hug right now. Please don’t beat yourself up – this is not your fault! No matter how you spin it in your mind this is not your fault. My first thought was literally how easily this could happen to anyone. Sending you love and positivity on your journey to self healing. And I’m so, so relieved that sweet Major is doing well.
Reading your post made me cry. My daughter is 4 months old and while we have been fortunate enough that nothing like this has happened to her, as you wrote in your post, this could happen to anybody. It’s every mother’s fear. I’m so sorry that this happened to your family and so glad that your son is okay. I hope that you find peace in the new year.
Wow. So much to deal with. So glad Major is healthy. I appreciate you sharing your story. You are brave, inspiring, and human. I can sympathize in ways, as I am struggling with postpartum anxiety. Sharing your story is a gift to many. Take care.
Thank you for this beautifully written and touching post. My son was in a bad sledding accident a few days before Christmas, while in the care of an adult I trusted. He suffered a major concussion and his five year old face looked like he was in a bad bar fight. He was vomiting and needed an emergency CT scan. Thankfully, he is ok. Thankfully he didn’t suffer a spinal cord injury. It could have been so much worse. I blamed myself – why didn’t I go with them? Why didn’t I give his (un remorseful) uncle more specific instructions? Why did I assume he was as careful a parent as we are? Or that he had good judgement? (This accident was preventable.) THANK YOU for sharing your feelings. It helps to know I’m not alone in mine. I wish you and your family peace, love and healing.
i’m going to try and locate an email address to send you a personal message. deep breaths mama. you’re not alone xx
Hi Eva,
Thank you for your honesty and ability to be so open about your experience,
I wanted to let you know something similar happened to my son at 8 months. He fell from a bunk bed in a store when I turned for a second to wipe my two- year old daughters nose. Like you I felt awful and it was the worst day of my life. I felt anxious for a long time after and had to be with him 24/7! With time I learned to forgive myself and realized like those doctors told you these things happen quite often.
Now my son is a happy healthy thriving 6 year old! Loves soccer speaks two languages and does not remember me “letting him fall” from that bunk bed at 8 months old!He remembers the last kiss I gave him a minute ago;)
Thanks again for sharing and I wish you healing and happiness in 2017!
I just wanted 2 say 2 you, that u are an amazing women!! As I read your story I was amazed of what u have gone through & that ur still standing?!? God bless u your family & especially Major! I also agree with u in the fact of why u waited to tell your story. People can b heartless & judge u. I hope that your are more calm now & not too worried about what happend 2 Major. So u can enjoy both their love, hugs, kisses & future memories! Mrs. Gabriela V Mitchell
I’m very sorry this happened to your family and shame on anyone who tries to make you feel more guilt or worse than you already do. My now 10 year old son had an accident when he was 2 climbing the outside of our stairs. He got up after he was asleep and came downstairs because I was watching a movie on the couch. Rather than put him back in bed, I cuddled with him on the couch and we both fell asleep. He woke up a couple hours later and went to wake his 7 year old sister to play according to what he said after, but instead of just walking up the stairs he climbed up the outside of the banister- which I had caught him doing several times in the few weeks before he fell. All I remember is the noise, when he fell it was an awful noise and then his screams. The 911 operator could not understand me because I was in hysterics. It was awful and traumatic but my son luckily was fine and although he never climbed the stairs that way again- he seemed unaffected by the accident after a couple of days. I, however, had nightmares, took a leave of absence from my job because I couldn’t handle being separated from my child after that. I definetly had ptsd but I recovered and the guilt does subside over time-although I still break down into waterworks when his hair parts just right and I see the tiny scar where he had 3 stitches from the accident. I apologize this posted twice the first time I pressed publish before I was done. You are obviously a rock star of a mother and love your kids like crazy- bless you beautiful family in this new year and always!
Eva, I fell asleep with our baby in my arms a few times before, and even though it was me, and not a night nurse, the same accident could have happened. Us regular ole folks get night nurses too when we need them, so don’t be so hard on yourself! Here’s to a happy and healthy 2017!
Thank you for sharing this story. I re read this post about 3x. It really hits home. I have a 3 year old son and a 7 month old son. When my eldest was born I suffered severe post partum depression (and it took me several months to admit/recognize it). During those HARD months an incident happened. My husband and I were taking the baby for a walk in his stroller. I told my husband he would be more comfortable not buckled in because it was nap time. So I put the stroller seat all the way back and off we went. My husband told me to buckle him in and I told him to “relax”. Well… we went down a tiny curb and out my son slipped and smack down on the pavement. I re played that situation in my head for almost 2 years. I was horrified and disgusted at myself. How could I have made such an awful decision. He was completely fine after going to hospital and getting checked out. ….I share this so you know you are not alone. And getting help will be key to your recovery. And things will get better. They have for me. Xox xox. We are all just average mothers doing our best for our kids the only way we know how. You are doing a great job.
Thank God Major is alright! Don’t you dare blame yourself Eva. It was an accident, pure and simple, and could have happened regardless of who was holding him. Being a mother is the hardest, but most rewarding thing we do in this life and I know you are damn great one. Please take all the time you need to take care of you so you can be the amazing Mama you are. I applaud your courage in sharing your struggle and I am certain you will find peace and solid ground again. I wish a healthy, happy, and quick recovery, Sending much love,
Shannon
What the heck is a night nurse? Is that a nanny Who takes care of your children while you sleep ? Nice. We all don’t have that perk.
Your family should always take priority over any social media crap.
Clearly your mother failed at teaching you that if you don’t have anything nice to say to shut the hell up.
Thank you for sharing, Eva! I appreciate it more than I can even express. Sending strength and good vibes to you and yours.
Eva, you are so very brave! Thank you for sharing. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable & standing in your truth, facing potential judgment can be very scary but SO worth it. I have found working with a therapist at different points of my own life have been some of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Especially with emotions, the only way out is through. You will come through this a better mom, wife, business woman & human being. ❤
XO Christy
Thank you SO much for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I can totally relate to every word and emotion you wrote and felt. I had a similar situation just 1 year ago. I fell walking up the stairs holding my one month old daughter, Baylor. I watched and heard as her precious little head hit the wooden edge of the stair. My heart shattered in to a million pieces. She also fractured her skull and had a brain bleed like your sweetheart Major. My whole life turned upside down and the immense guilt I felt in hurting my own child was too much to bear. I had extreme anxiety and still struggle a year later every time Baylor cries or I feel nervous about carrying her somewhere. I can always picture in my mind the worse scenario that can happen. My anxiety peaks when I’m trying to plan out and control every detail in order to avoid either of my daughters getting hurt. This anxiety and PTSD led me to get help through a therapist and repriortize my life. I had to slow down and get healthy. Finally when my daughter was 7 months old, I stopped breastfeeding and began taking meds for postpartum depression. I feel like I’m just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it has been a long, tough road getting emotionally, hormonal, and physically stronger. I empathize with the struggles you are facing and will pray for you to feel held and guided by our Lord. Also know, that I truly understand your heartache but know what a truly wonderful woman and mother you are. This accident and moment in time does not need to define us but will make us stronger! Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it takes a tremendous amount of courage. I know this struggle all to well. My son was one month old when I fell with him. He also fractured his skull. The guilt and anxiety is overwhelming. I took a deep breath reading your blog. Deep down you try to remember accidents happen but I continously replay what I could have done differently that day. I am glad your son is doing well. A few months after the neurology appts stopped I was able to start to ease up on myself. I am not sure yet when it all completely goes away. Im sort of guessing that it wont be soon. However, I guess time will tell. Try to remember that these boys are resilient little munchkins. Lots of love and thoughts your way…from one Mama bear to another ♡
Oddly enough, our family suffered from the exact same situation, except it was my husband who dropped our then three-month-old son, Spencer, while falling down a flight of stairs. Spencer was also treated at Yale for a skull fracture and cerebral hemorrhage. He is now 2.5 years old and perfectly fine. I still can’t talk about the incident without tearing up, and I think of the trauma often; however, time helps as I continue to watch him develop and thrive. Glad to hear all was and is okay. Stay strong.
My heart goes out to you! What a precious mother you are! Prayers for you and your family as you take some much needed time for yourself. The love and dedication you have for your family is evident! Being a mama is tough stuff! You got this!
Dear Eva:
I understand. We went through the same trauma in May 2016 with my 12-month-old son (i.e., fall on hardwood, fractured skull, subdural hematoma). Different circumstances (he fell from my husband’s arms as we were leaving a friend’s house), but the same result. Everything you describe–from the guilt to the panic attacks–is what I went through as well. It was crippling.
After Leo’s fall, I took 2 months off of work to stay home with him (and my 4-year-old daughter). During the summer I had panic attacks, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and tingling in my arm. The doc said physically I was fine, but the trauma was setting of those psychosomatic symptoms.
It has been about 7 months, and we are all on the mend. Leo had a repeat CT scan in August to make sure the blood was absorbed into his body and no other measures needed to be taken. The scan was clean and the neurologist said that “besides taking years of your lives, it is as if it never happened.” He is now (almost) 21 months and is talking, walking, running, climbing…what a normal toddler should do.
I wanted to share with you my story, so you know that you are not alone. Not that anyone wishes this to happen to others, but to take comfort in that someone has felt the same pain, fear, extreme stress, and anxiety, and has made it through. There still are triggers, and therapy is helping me to learn strategies to make it through those tough moments.
I wish you and your family peace and health, in this year and the ones to come.
Sincerely and in solidarity,
Stephanie
Bravely written. Infused with honesty that is difficult to find at all, much less when looking towards those in the public eye.
May 2017 bring you peace.
Much love,
Rhonda from South Carolina
I’ll never forget the night I fell asleep holding my newborn in the rocker and nearly dropped him. I caught him by the arm as I jerked awake and started hysterically crying. I couldn’t forgive myself for quite awhile. Motherhood is exhaustingly unforgiving. Full of second guessing. But, we do our best, whatever form it takes. And I believe God fills in our many gaps if we let him. Blessings
What a beautiful family you have!! Major’s unfortunate accident is just that – an accident that should not yield any blame to you. It is not something that can be considered your fault at all. I hope you are able to overcome this incident and embrace the precious time you share with your family daily. Wishing your family a happy & healthy 2017!!
Oh Eva,
I am so sorry to hear about what happened and what you are going through. Kel and I are thinking about you and kyle. I must say, I appreciate how open, honest and real you are about yourself and your family. Many of my girlfriends struggle to be real, to not judge ourselves and each other and and to accept our emotions as they come without guilt. So much easier said than done. It is so wonderful that you are bringing these conversations to light and I hope you know that us moms stand behind you, believe in you and empathize with you. You and Kyle are a great example to Kel and I and we miss you guys!
Much Love,
Kelly and kassie Gray
I just said a prayer for you.?
I feel dorky even commenting on a blog, but I couldn’t help myself when I read your story. The same thing happened to me when my daughter was 12 weeks old. It was 100% my fault. It was the middle of the night and I was reaching for an empty bottle in the back cabinet of my kitchen and DROPPED MY BABY. Her head hit the tile floor in our kitchen and she started shrieking and I completely lost it. I remember kneeling on the ground, holding her and balling, “she hit her head, she hit her head!” and I couldn’t stop screaming and crying. My husband was trying to calm me down, but it was not working at all. I literally ran out of our apartment and raced down the street to an urgent care center (thank God it was so close). They scanned her in one of those huge machines (me standing there crying, of course) and found a hairline fracture…. and put us in an ambulance headed uptown to Cornell Weil. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life. We stayed the whole day for observation and everything turned out fine, but it was FUCKING HORRIBLE. Just typing this story makes my chest feel tight.
I wish I could take your whole experience and make it go away. It’s so scary and our children are the absolute best things we give to the world… best wishes to you and I think time will be your best friend. Time to let the memories soften around the edges and help you find your breathe again.
Holy cow. You have had the worst luck with caretakers. Sometimes it’s so hard to not let our irrational mind take over what we know is rational and true. Take care of yourself first, and your blog (and readers) will still be here!
I have lived these same feelings to a T. My daughter was admitted to the NICU for dehydration 2 days after she was born. I blamed myself. I became so anxious and did not allow myself to acknowledge what was happening. Breastfeeding became a huge source of anxiety for me. It was awful, I had so much guilt. I worked with a therapist and things got better. But I think it’s just something that ultimately time (and less hormones!) will heal. 2 years later, I still suffer from anxiety and depression in different forms, but it’s less intense and I know that I am capable of working through it. You’ll be ok and so will your family. Taking the time to work this out is the best thing you can do for all of you. Thank you so much for sharing this. Your honesty is liberating! Best of luck on your journey to your new normal!
Eva, I’m so so very sorry. Reading your words, I could feel exactly what you’re feeling. I’ve been there and it’s terrifying and frustrating and exhausting. I was in a bad car accident when I was pregnant with my first daughter, and I couldn’t get the images and sounds out of my head.. they just played over and over again. I actually didn’t drive for six months because I was so traumautized. But even as a passenger, every time we were stopped I would anxiously look around, waiting for a car to slam into us. And even though they told me our baby was fine, it’s still hard to move forward. I have also had injuries and health concerns with my children that are terrifying. I will say that acknowledging what you’re feeling and that it is probably a little more extreme than maybe it should (or you want it to) be is a good first start. And time, more than anything, will help you move forward. Ugh, the worrying never ends as a parent. But it will get better. Sending lots of goo thoughts your way!
Happy New Year! Sorry to hear if all the struggles u & ur wonderful adorable family has gone through. God Bless u & take the time for u.
Is moms need to take care of ourselves because out families need us. ?
Happy New Year! Sorry to hear if all the struggles u & ur wonderful adorable family has gone through. God Bless u & take the time for mo need to take care of ourselves because out families need us. ?
Take care of yourself and come back when you’re feeling better! What an awful lot you’ve had on your plate! Nothing that has happened is in ANY way your fault. You’re amazing that you have been so strong for so long. Best wishes and love to your sweet family. See you when things have calmed down. Everyone needs a break at times!❤
I clicked on your website after seeing the headline in people.com: I have 2 toddlers and am a working mom. First of all, I am so happy Major not only survived but is thriving. I was so worried. Please don’t ever blame yourself for having the night nurse – the nights are so tough. Parenting is tough and people who paint motherhood as something other than hard work and no sleep and constant worry are not doing mothers any favors. It doesn’t mean we love our kids any less by acknowledging the reality. I wish you and your family all the joy and love and health for 2017. Take time out to heal and know that there is one additional stranger rooting for you! Hugs Charmaine from NYC
Any mother that reads your story understands your guilt and also knows that it could have happened to any one of us regardless of income, education, number of children and experience! I’m glad your talking about it…we all have at least one experience from our kids childhood that makes us cringe and keeps us awake at night when we relive the the event. Take care!
I am sorry to hear this poor baby suffered such an experience, but do you think the guilt is because instead of experiencing all aspects of parenting you choose to give that blessing to a stranger? I mean as a mother myself, I could never be so selfish that I would pawn off my child. Those are bonding moments even if it is three in the morning. I am not judging you, and by all means we are all human. I guess just because money can allot you the luxury of not having to deal with your kids, doesn’t mean you should. Nothing in the world can replace the time, love, and affection you get from being a mother. Stop worrying that everything needs to be perfect because guess what it doesn’t! You and yours just need to be happy and healthy. I am so happy that your baby boy is doing well. Now take time to heal yourself, and your family. ~C
That sounds a lot like judging. When my babies were born, my mom came to help. Was that wrong? You don’t know her situation. How dare you accuse her of selfishly passing her duties off on a stranger! There is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it. There is so much guilt and pressure in parenting–she doesn’t need to be critiqued by a stranger, especially now.
Does Eva’s guilt need to be assuaged by a stranger either? Also, a mother is not considered a “stranger”. I think Cindy’s comment was fair and, yet, empathetic.
Gratefully, Eva welcomes discussion here. Differing opinions help us understand more than one side which can ultimately make a difference in our (often flawed) perceptions of ourselves and our situations.
I’m so sorry this happened. I know some of what you are experiencing because it happened to me too. My son fell out of his crib and suffered a skull fracture and bleeding as well. I will never forget the sickening sound of his head hitting the floor. The guilt, anxiety and depression was overwhelming. But 3 years later he is a happy, well developed toddler. I am glad to hear you are taking time to heal and to focus on your family. Best regards.
Such a hard thing to read because it is something that truly could happen to anyone. Hard to read— I cannot imagine how hard it was to experience and then relive to write this. Thank you for sharing. I hope soon you can find peace and your stress of this event will leave you. ?
I am so sorry for all that has happened in the last month. But recognizing that something isn’t right is your first step to healing and becoming the best Momma that you can be. Hugs and prayers to you!
If all the wise things people are telling you aren’t helping (even though intellectually you know they are true; try this:
On a piece of poster board draw a bunch of big circles. At the bottom of each, put one feeling that you’re having (one feeling per circle).
Draw a stick figure inside the circle that represents you. Above your head write a belief that caused the feeling you labeled this circle with. Make a stick figure of another person if the feeling and belief relate to that person.
If you have more than one belief pertaining to that feeling, make another circle.
For example, one circle could be labeled ‘shame’, inside the circle above your head could be the thought or belief, “I’m a bad mother because my child was hurt while i slept.” Draw a stick-figure baby.
If you have more thoughts/beliefs under the heading ‘shame’, make more circles.
Do this for ‘guilt’, ‘fear’, ‘anger’-whatever you’ve got. make sure to include the relevant people (husband, children etc.) inside the circle.
Each circle is a story, a virtual-reality movie. You are a character in each. Draw these and look at them as you go through this. It helps by giving you an observer perspective on yourself.
One day you may see in a new way (not just intellectually, but a real shift in perspective) how your brain is creating a hell that you’re living in, and that you can step out of. Doing this activity helps you step out.
This book is where I got the idea, and it worked for me: https://www.amazon.com/MindWorks-Practical-Changing-Emotional-Reactions/dp/0990584607/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=
Thank you for your honest and touching post. I’m so sorry that you and your family are having to endure this trauma. My son was premature and spent six weeks in the nicu. I was diagnosed after this with ptsd and post partum depression. It sounds like you have similar symptoms. I’m glad you are seeking the help of a therapist. I wanted to share that I did EMDR therapy, it is an evidenced based practice for trauma victims. Not all therapists are trained but I’m sure you could find an EMDR therapist in your area. I feel it really helped me. Please check it out…prayers to you and your family.
I too experienced PTSD and postpartum depression after my son’s birth. EMDR therapy helped me separate my experiences that triggered the PTSD with the physical symptoms like panic attacks and anxiety. For me the memories are physically tied with the symptoms and EMDR helps separate them so you can get to the point where talking about it or remembering it won’t cause you to have panic attacks. It’s a long road so be kind to yourself. It’s so easy with depression to be self critical. You are not alone in your experience and it doesn’t make you any less of a mother to get medical help. I hope you find a therapist that you trust and can get the help you need. I’m so happy your son and husband are doing fine.
Feel better love. Happy New year ❤️
When I first started reading your post and how stressful your life had been recently, I immediately thought you were stressed and anxious about life with two kids instead of one. Ever since I had our second baby (a boy, 9mon) I too have felt stressed and anxious and at times utterly crazy. We have a little girl who just turned 3, and two kids is soooooo much more than one. But when I continued to read about your son’s accident, and then mixed with your husband’s fall and your body healing, I felt such empathy for you as a mother and admiration for your strength. I applaud you for taking time to be with your family. No one looks out for you more than you. I have learned to say no, take time off, let myself go through the emotions, and in the end, me taking care of me has helped me take care of my family. That’s the most important thing of all.
Reading your blog these past few months has given me strength and put a smile on my face when family and life gets hectic. Your little girl reminds me of our Khloe — the vivacious, energetic spirit wrapped up in big bright bows. Love it.
Take time for you and those babies. My hugs and prayers are with you. Soooooo thankful that Baby Major is okay — I can’t tell you how I would react in that situation.
I look forward to your smiling return. Xo
Eva,
You are such an incredible brave woman. I read your blog daily and always have loved how real you are. You keep it 100 and never claim to be someone you’re not. I cannot imagine the pain you have been going through but this is not your fault. My daughter is one week younger than major and we had a night nurse and I can totally see this happening to anyone. Enjoy your time off with your beautiful family.
Hi. I saw your story today and I just wanted to reach out ( I never really reach out) but I understand your pain. My first daughter was born with a brain hemorrhage. My husband and I were told she’d never walk, talk, or have any quality of life. I blamed myself everyday for 3 years ( and every once and awhile still do) I literally tried to control every circumstance that she was in. I became obsessed and very unhealthy. You obviously need to have your own emotions and live through your pain and grief but don’t let it linger. Remember WORRYING WILL NEVER CHANGE THE OUTCOME. Give yourself the time you need and than move on. We like you are one of the lucky ones. Our daughter is thriving. But trust me they feed off of you. If your children feel you stressed about them they will know it and they will not be happy( I use to say my daughter growled at me) to this day if ask her if she’s ok ( when I’m scared) she yells STOP . I know their are probably plenty of people writing you but remember your a great momma. “Worrying will never change the outcome”. Enjoy these moments. The stress will eat at you and you won’t remember the good times if your too consumed by the fear. I always say I wish I would have trusted what I was seeing with my daughter rather than being araid of what could happen every second ?
Hugs! I can relate to so much written in this post. I went from being a tough independent badass to feeling crippled and weak with anxiety immediately after having children. Hope in time these feelings lessen for you. You are a great momma. Don’t let guilt consume you.
Your story has been picked up by the media, I saw it on facebook earlier this evening. I just wanted to say do yourself a big favor and don’t read the comments on those articles. While many are supportive, some are not. It’s amazing how cruel people can be when they are anonymous. Don’t subject yourself to it. Best wishes to you and your family.
Bless you. This is also a lesson re. some dangers of social media. In pictures and in what we choose to show on social media we can present what looks like a perfect life. And others seeing this may feel their own lives are lacking. But life gets messy for us all. Thank you for your honesty. I think often we cannot see things in ourselves so bless your husband for helping you acknowledge a problem. Best wishes for healing. And your children are just so lovely!
Eva, thank you for your honesty. I just wanted to tell you that the only person that should ever feel the guilt you are feeling in this situation, is one who did so intentionally – you have nothing to feel guilty for. Your children are so lucky to have you.
You have no idea how therapeutic your words were. When my son was almost 9 months old a very similar incident occurred with HIS babysitter which was also an accident. The amazing neuro surgeon had to put a shunt in his brain to drain the fluids because the blood clot was blocking where his fluids would naturally drain. We were at the hospital for 8 agonizing days and he was finally released and has been perfect ever since.
It’s so hard to put into words your feelings/emotions because honestly, words don’t do the experience justice. Every single thing you wrote down, I felt and I completely understood. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about his accident and say “what if”.
My son’s accident was 2 years ago this past November and I will tell you that as time passes, it WILL get better. One thing that has also helped us is because we were so grateful to the hospital and witnessed children who were going through so much, we decided to hold a toy/item drive at our house every year around the time of his accident to donate to the hospital for the patients/families and staff. We had such an amazing turn out and outpouring of love, it really does help the healing process. We also get to take it to the hospital and while I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I go near the hospital as it resurfaces the memories and feelings, it makes us feel so good inside and put a positive spin on a negative situation. It also teaches our kids to give back which is always a plus.
I really hope you find your peace during his recovery and mother to mother: I get it and it’s called an accident because it is just that, an accident. It took me a long time to accept that and I still struggle with it frequently.
I hope your family has a beautiful New Year.
Eva,
As a mom of two (both similar in age to yours) I can entirely empathize. Your post immediately brought tears to my eyes and I have been thinking about it all day. It is so difficult to be a mom in modern times, with expectations mounting, while our families are often spread across the continent and we are left raising our children without the kind of help and safety net that previous generations enjoyed. At least I feel that way.
Your post hits home for me because I have struggled with anxiety in the newborn period with both of my children, neither time diagnosed but no doubt real. I think that, while postpartum depression is discussed often, anxiety is less talked about, though in my experience, is more common. Taking care of an infant and dealing with all of the hormonal changes is just so hard.
Also, it’s easier said than done, but don’t beat yourself up over the night nurse. You employed her so that you could get rest and be the best mom you could be. I heard this once about being a mom and it has really stuck with me: like the flight attendants tell you to first put the oxygen mask on yourself AND ONLY then your children, so too you must take care of you own well being, physically and emotionally, before you can take care of your children properly. Your decision to have a night nurse was in furtherance of that goal. Seeking help now is in furtherance of that goal. I admire your bravery to talk about your struggle. Your honesty is why I enjoy your blog; it makes me feel that I am sharing in a common experience of mothers everywhere.
I’m so sorry that this happened. Don’t let anyone judge you on anything. You are a wonderful mother and please don’t forget that. You are a great parent and love your kiddos. Enjoy time with them. They grow up so fast.
Your friend,
Jerri
Oh, Eva! That is terrifying! Thank you so much for sharing this part of your family’s life. I have a daughter and a son the same ages as your children and I feel like I can relate to you in many ways. My heart aches for you. I hope you can find the help you need soon.
I’m so sorry this happened to your baby and your family. I hope you heal from this traumatic event. Something similar happened to my baby boy when he was 5 days old. I wish you the BEST! You are an amazing person.
If I could reach out and hug you, I would. Much of your post is relatable to me. Though my story is not nearly as traumatic, I can certainly understand how hard all of this is and how anxious it can make you. When my son was just over a week old I fell asleep holding him just after a middle of the night feeding. He slipped out of my arms, off of the bed and onto the hardwood floor. We were both so shocked and startled. I remember holding him crying and crying and telling him how sorry I was. It was agonizing, and I was guilt ridden. I didn’t tell anyone what happened for a few days (fortunately he just had a little bump that I watched obsessively) and even then, I withheld some details as I couldn’t quite own up to it. I never told my pediatrician. He warned me about this very thing happening and I let it happen. I felt too guilty and did not want to reveal how bad of a mother I was. I spent the first few months of my son’s life fearing that I would drop him again or that there would be some accident while I bathed him or some other catastrophe due to my negligence. Fortunately his resilience got me through and I became more confident. I do still look at the shape of his 2.5 year old head and wonder if that slight bump on the top of his head is due to that night, that fall. The guilt is still there but I also laugh at myself and sometimes wonder if his advanced vocabulary and articulation might be due to a little bump he got on his head at just over a week old.
Being a mother is hard and all of the hormones and emotions after being pregnant do not make any of it any easier. Be kind to yourself and take all of the time and support you need. Lots of love to you and your family.
Eva,
I wish I could just give you a big hug. When you mentioned people online judging you it tore me up. People can be so mean online. This could have happened to anyone and there is nothing wrong with getting help with a new baby via night nurse or nanny. Especially when you have another little one and your own business. Take all the time you need to heal and remember you can’t be a great mama unless you take care of yourself too.
Take care!!!!
A year ago at this time, I had a beautiful 4 month old & a 2 1/2 year old – and I should have been happy and grateful to be so blessed but I was going through postpartum anxiety and extreme sleep deprivation due to a number of family passings and other circumstances beyond my control. I tried like you, to push through it and did so for 4 months carrying my burdens silently until the damn broke and I was a mess. My only advice to you and all of the mothers out there is: you have to get through it, your children need you. You have to take care of yourself first, or your family, your children will flounder. You are strong. Whatever this means for you. Do it. Get your partner’s and family to support yoy. You are not alone.
Wishing you, your family and anyone struggling -love and peace.
xo KL
I know we don’t know each other but I want to give you a giant hug and tell you everything is going to be alright in time. What’s the quote about “becoming a parent means wearing your heart outside your body?” It’s entirely true. Sending you much peace, calm, love and strength. XO
From one mother to another, I deeply sympathize and I pray hard that the agony of this happening fades fast. When my emotions get as high, I must let my brain take the lead to get me to eat, sleep. Keep on mama. Love is the most important thing.
Your blog has offered a lot of readers support, laughter and a reminder that we are all human. You may or may not see this post since you are taking time off to “regroup” but know this….you are human. You’ve taken the first step in admitting that you’re overwhelmed and as wives, mothers, friends, we can’t always be “on” we simply must remember that we are human and sometimes the best of us need to take some time to recharge, reconnect and regroup. (Hugs). Be well.
My heart goes out to you. Healing from that will take time of course, you are doing the right thing. Just keep doing the next right thing, you are a good mother. Remember that.
As for Major, an osteopathic treatment or two would do wonders for long term healing. When adults go for the first time, the osteopath can literally feel childhood traumas. Taking him now will give him such a gift. It’s very gentle and no big adjustments, not like a chiropractor.
I wish you all the best.
Ps, From what I’ve been told in the past, it’s better when they do let out that (heartbreaking) wail. When they don’t it means they are in shock, much deeper trauma. So it’s good that he was able to scream like that! Even though the sound is so crushing to a mothers ears, I hope there is some comfort in that fact.
I’m so sorry for the crazy stress your family has been under. I just wanted to say that I’m fully convinced that anyone who could possibly judge your little ones accident as anything but, has never held a baby They can be wiggly little suckers, and it absolutely could’ve happened to anyone, awake or not. It’s very kind that you’ve forgiven the nurse, I can only imagine how horrible she must’ve felt. Now forgive yourself. Having help with your kids isn’t a crime by any means, and anyone who could afford to do so absolutely would. I’m glad he’s okay. I hope you find peace and get yourself any appropriate help that you feel you need. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you could possibly do for your children.
I am so deeply sorry you had to deal with this. My heart broken for you when I read this. Bless your sweet heart. Thank goodness the angels were watching over your precious baby. So sorry that you and Kyle haven’t had luck with nannies. Your kids are so blessed to have such dedicated and loving parents like you and kyle. Your kids are so adorable and full of joy. I love how the baby is so alert already from your snapchat. Sending prayers and good vibes to you Eva. Much love
I really feel for you, Eva! It seems like you have had nothing but horrible luck with your caregivers. It is so hard to not experience guilt when something like this happens–not just the guilt from injury, but the guilt from not selecting someone trustworthy to care for your little one or from life choices that may not align with what others expect of us working moms. We work to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads, not to just take nice vacations or have fancy clothes and shoes and we are judged harshly for something that really isn’t a choice–we have to work! Get some good, objective mental health assistance. PTSD can be a real thing for parents who have watched children go through terrible, long-term painful cancer treatments (https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/survivorship/new-normal/ptsd-pdq), so maybe it can be real for non-fatal, short-term issues as well. Wishing you the best!
Thank you for speaking your truth. I felt like I was reading an aspect of my own thoughts and feelings and know it was not an accident I stumbled upon your post. Your authentic words made my heart feel lighter. Your post resonated with me. Now that I am a mother of a 6 year old son and a 3 year old daughter I am more compelled than ever to overcome/face/deal with the anxiety that has plagued me since childhood…Head-on!! Your post reassured me that I am not alone in the struggle…and that we are worth the fight. I send you and your beautiful family love and light. Blessings to your husband for being a rock to you during this time. Here’s to stepping into our power in 2017!! xo
Hi Eva,
Thank you for sharing your heart in this post. What a terrifying experience. I just cannot imagine. I have dealt with PTSD and am wondering if you have heard of EMDR? It’s something therapists do to help someone move past trauma in their lives. I have had it done as well as my daughter. It really works. Therapists use it a lot on veterans returning from war. You have such a lovely family and I am thankful your son is doing well. Take good care.
Oh Mama, my heart goes out to you. I know first hand how scary head injuries can be. After a traumatic birth with my son he was born with a skull fracture & bleeding. The caught it the next morning when I was working with a lactation consultant & literally ripped him out of my arms talking in doctor talk & saying he may have to be transferred to Texas Children’s. Thankfully he turned out completely fine. I dealt with SO MUCH guilt that my body caused him to be hurt at birth. I was never able to breastfeed, I think my body just reacted to the act of me breastfeeding when he was taken by the doctors & the fear I felt. Now, he’s a thriving 8 year old who’s full of sass & likes to make fun of me for fracturing his skull first thing. Y’all are threw the hard part, I promise! Lots of love to y’all!
I can totally understand what you are going through. I have a don who just turned 15 months and struggled with postpartum depression angxiety due to a fear of new born shots.
I am in awe of your courage and transparency. I praise and give thanks with you that your baby boy is ok. I hold you in my heart in prayer and faith that you will soon be free from the grip of fear and trauma. Thank you for sharing your heart. You being more of you frees me to be more of me. I am grateful.
Blessings and freedom to you and your family.
Hi Eva,
I just wanted to share with you how much your post touched me. I went through a very similar situation with my son Nathan when he was almost 7 weeks old, but I was the one who was looking after him when he had suffered a serious medical problem; he aspirated when I was trying to Breastfeed him again after not doing so for a while. We spent 2 nights at the hospital where I cried and was super guilt ridden, feeling like I was just the worst mother in the world, while the doctors and nurses reassured me that it was a “freak incident” and that it happens more than you think. Thank God he was ok, but like you, I still have moments when I just playback those scary moments and I just try to brush them away. It’s been about 9 weeks a since the incident and the first time I’ve actually allowed myself to reflect on it because I’ve tried to forget about it. So really, I want to wholeheartedly thank you for sharing, for being so willing to open up to the world what you are going through. Know that you are not alone in this struggle and that you will be thought of. You are a great mom.
Eva, my heart is broken for you and your sweet family and for what you have been through, but also so thankful that everything with Major is ok and that you are making such a healthy move forward! One of my very best friends, whose baby boy is just a week younger than my son, had a very very similar thing happen to her son. It was such a scary time and thankfully he is perfectly ok as well. Your post so eloquently put into words what she felt following her son’s fall and the weight of the fear she felt and still feels only months later. Thank you for sharing your voice and your journey!
Oh Eva, one of the reasons I love you and your blog so much is because of the fact that you let it all out and seem so down to earth. And now, knowing how crappy the internet can be sometimes, you still decided to share this awful experience publicly.
I was horrified to read what happened to your precious baby boy. My baby girl is only 5 days apart from your little Major, and I can’t imagine having to go through that. I understand that you need to take a break for a while, but just know that we’ll miss you! Hang in there Mama, you’re an awesome person and wonderful parent, and this will only make you stronger!
Did you have a nurse or a nanny? There is a difference. I know as I have been a nurse for nearly twenty years. I too suffered crippling PPD as my son had four straight months of colic while my husband worked long hours and we have zero family in our state. Regardless, I cared for my own child, period.
Hi Eva,
When my daughter was 10 months old she tipped her booster seat (appropriately and securely attached to a chair) over after catching it on a slightly uneven grout line. In the end, we, too, spent two days in the hospital. My daughter was lucky enough that her skull plates hadn’t yet fused so there was room for the swelling caused by her skull fracture and a subdural hematoma….
I will never forget the feelings you’ve described, some I was never able to actually describe myself… I will skip telling you the entire story because it may/may not do you any good reading about it here. There are so many stories I’m sure you could google… But I wanted to let you know that finding someone who has been through a similar situation and speaking with them over the phone or even in person is quite powerful therapy. A friend connected me with one of her friends whose son had a similar fall and injury. We shared our stories, she of how they made it through, and me of how I was struggling with the emotional toll. That sadness, depression, intense fear and anxiety does diminish over time, but for me, it has not gone away. At least now I don’t start crying in public and I’m visualizing much less of my fears these days. I owe a lot of that to that simple hour long phone call with a friend of a friend. A stranger who had been on this path before me gave me comfort to go on… Perhaps ask your neurologist (if Major is following up with one) if they know of a family who they can connect you with.
Another thing that helped me heal was finding positive ways to interact with the hospitals near me. I coordinated the donation of 100 “emergency” bags (with toothpaste, a toothbrush, washcloth, chapstick, etc) for family members who suddenly find themselves staying at the hospital. Another time I sewed little blankets for the kids staying in the NICU and PICU over Christmas. I hope you find what will help YOU heal, because even though this happened to our children, there is a very fine line between where we end and our children begin… Our love is THAT strong. Their pain is ours. The fear of losing them is intense and can rob us of our every day joys. But that’s why it’s so important for us to heal our hearts and minds- to be present with them. To really be present. Much love to you and yours.
Eva,
Praying for you during this time. I am so happy your LO is doing well, but I can understand your anxiety right now. I am glad you are getting the help you need right now. Take care of yourself. With my second, I saw a therapist for 1 1/2 years due to post partum anxiety and OCD. Hope you have some really amazing friends you can lean on right now. Xox
Eva,
Praying for you during this time. I am so happy your LO is doing well, but I can understand your anxiety. I am glad you are getting the help you need. Take care of yourself. With my second, I saw a therapist for 1 1/2 years due to post partum anxiety and OCD. Hope you have some really amazing friends you can lean on right now. Xox
Hi Eva,
you have a beautiful family! I am a mom of 3 ages 26, 19, and 16. I had the same thing happen to me with my daughter (my youngest) but I was the one holding her and fell asleep. thankfully, we had carpet and she just rolled down my legs and hit the floor with a small thud. she wasn’t hurt but she was scared half to death and so was I! it happens sweetie so don’t beat yourself up about it. 2 years later, she was playing on a swing set in a friends yard and she jumped off the top and broke her arm. all 3 of my kids have busted their head open and had to get stitches I could go on and on they’ve all hurt themselves so many times! as a mom, its hard to see our children hurting but it’s just a fact of life. kids are fearless, lol
motherhood is a crazy, wonderful ride with many bumps and bruises along the way. it does sound like you are suffering with some PTSD from your experience but it will get better.
I have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety all my life and also PTSD from being raped when I was 11. its a hard thing to live with but it’s possible. you just do what you need to do to get past this and be the best mom you can be to your beautiful kids!
don’t worry about what others think and that they will judge you. truth is, they will judge but who cares? don’t let negativity steal your joy!
don’t worry lil’ mama, you will do great!
Blessings!
Praying all will be well, and you start feeling more level, Eva. So sorry to read about your fears and trepidation…hope this challenge is behind you very soon.
You are an awesome and your babies are lucky to have you. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to process and heal.
As always, I applaud and appreciate your honesty and openness. Sending you and your family nothing but love and support during this time. You have to make yourself a priority, so you can be the best mom and wife you can be. Best wishes in this new year!
Don’t take the comments to heart if I had the money I would have hired a night nurse too. My kids are 13 months apart and I suffer from insomnia and severe migraines I would have loved extra help. Rest is what you need to be a good mama.
When my son was around 9 months old he fell off the changing table under my watch. I was searching through his closet for some pajamas. I thought I had strapped him in on the changing table, but I didn’t and he fell luckily onto carpet and fortunately he was okay. But he cried for about an hour. With my husband screaming at me for being a horrible mother and my own wash of guilt as I sat in a corner of our kitchen crying and mortified that I could have hurt him; my husband spoke with the 24 hour nurse and she assured us that he would be okay. I was at my lowest. Fast forward a few months and I am incredibly fortunate to become a stay at home mom, this incident continues to haunt me and probably will forever as we welcome our second in March. Needless to say, the sound is always much harder to the parent then the child. My son continues to bump his head or fall and I am a complete Nervous Nelly. Now he is 2 1/2 and he will just say “I’m okay”, smile or laugh. Babies are tough and resilient.
I think it’s one of the hardest parts of being a mom. Just know it isn’t your fault and it can happen to anyone. I hope you find peace and know you aren’t alone. It truly takes a village to care for a child.
I just stumbled across your blog and look forward to reading more.
Happy New Year!
Hi Eva, I haven’t written here before but I’m an Australian mum of three and your story struck such a chord for me. When my youngest was ten weeks old she fell out of a shopping trolley and fractured her skull. Like Major, she was incredibly lucky – despite the fracture and the brain bleed, she recovered totally. George is now five and bright as a button. But for weeks after it happened, I had flashbacks and felt sick about it. It was the absolute worst. Terror, guilt, shame, fear of the future, all in a tasty little package. If you want to chat over email, I’m happy to talk. Contact details on my blog. All the best, xRach
So sorry this happened to you and your beautiful son! I had PTSD after my daughter had a traumatic incident and I was driving her to the ER. She was starting to pass out in her carseat and I thought that she was dying. Afterwards driving up that same road I could “see” her and would get anxious all over again. The PTSD triggered anxiety/OCD. Needless to say I tried to “deal with it” and to “get over it” but needed help. After months of flailing, I started meds and am back to normal. So hard for me to take them as psych meds have such a negative connotation but they truly have saved me. Don’t blame yourself and take care of you 🙂
Brave? Hero? Seriously? You were sleeping soundly while someone else was caring for your child. The night feeds are probably the best time for bonding, when it’s just the two of you with no distractions. I agree the mistake could have happened to anyone, but it should have been you. At least then you could say “This was a mistake, but I’m trying my best”, which is all you can expect from the mother of a newborn. I’ll save my praises for the parents of children who are battling cancer and the parents who are stopping at nothing to remove their children from war torn countries.. not Mums who hire other women to care for their children so that they can get their beauty sleep
“Night Nurse?” Somebody else was taking care of your baby while you slept? Do you know how that sounds??? Glad to hear that it is has forced you to look at your situation and now you are spending more time with the children that you chose to have. Please take care of them yourself always!!!
Are you for real? This was an accident and she shared this very heartbreaking story and how she felt about it and THIS is what you chose to respond with?
I don’t know if you have actually stepped outside and seen how the world works, so I thought I’d let you in on what the rest of us know.
It’s the 21st century. Moms are not alone in taking care of their kids from birth until they leave the house. Dad’s are equally responsible. And children go to kindergarten, school etc and will be left with other people than the parents.
And parents are allowed to get help without being shamed for it. This was an accident and they should in no way feel ashamed for trusting the baby with a sitter.
I hate comments like this, as they imply that parents (mostly women) should do everything themselves. Why should they? Parents leave their children with sitters all the time and do you actually have any statistics that support that children in general have more accidents with nannies than with their parents? Or are you just throwing your own unfounded speculations at us?
It’s almost always women who talk like this to other women….Because of jealousy or insecurity or the need to constantly compare their parenting with other women, looking for examples that support their need to assure that they are better parents.
In short, beating on someone else to raise oneself. A really bad quality that I hope these “I am better than you”- parents are not passing on to their kids, being such great parents, I mean…
Do you realize that anyone can drop a baby? A nanny, a daycare worker, your family member! Anyone at anytime. Obviously you know as it sounds like you were dropped on your head repeatedly. I know that was mean but I am pretty steamed.
I am so glad Major is fine and I hope you will be also.
Good mothers always blame themselves and that shows you are a good mom.
As a nurse, and for other nurses (& none of us are infallible), could you please clarify if the “Night Nurse” is an actual licensed or registered nurse?
This seems to be an issue on many nursing sites. Not that you have a nanny, a nurse, or otherwise, but the credentials of this “night nurse.”
I hope you have many blessing and wish you and your beautiful family the best.
Thank you
Eva, I cannot emphasise enough how much this blog has meant to me.
This exact same injury happened to my 4 week premature son at only 2 weeks old in 2015. I was in hospital quite ill after a C section birth. I took a really bad infection with kidney failure and I fell asleep whilst trying to struggle to breast feed him and he hit the hard concrete hospital floor. I will never forget that image of him on the floor, it haunts me. When the Dr told me about the fractured skull and bleed on his brain I just lay in my hospital bed and screamed. Screams I didn’t know that I was capable of. How could I have let happen to the most precious person in my world?
I have to admit that every upcoming milestone target was a constant worry if he wasn’t reaching it. He didn’t walk until he was 18 months old which worried me constantly. Looking back though he got carried everywhere as I kept such a tight hold on him ever since.
Eva it’s now almost 2 years on and I have the most lively, bright, mischievous, lovable,spoiled rascal who is my world.
Babies are so resilient as the Dr’s are probably telling you,and I can assure you they really are.
My mum was my rock through it all as in my head at that time I didn’t tell my husband for a few days in case he thought I had failed as a mother for our only child. He had no experience of very young babies at all.
Eva I will tell you now, you won’t forget it but you will come out stronger and I think appreciate your children that little bit more.
Not wanting to sound like a cliche but time really is the most important healer for Major, you and the family. The dark cloud will lift and you will emerge stronger and albeit a little more overprotective.
Thank you so much for your bravery, it really did stop me in my tracks this morning and I just had to get in touch.
Onwards and upwards Eva for 2017.
Eva – First Happy New Year!! I am so glad that Major Boy is doing great!! So sorry that you and your family are going through such a tramatic event. I hope they 2017 will bring you peace and the ANX will subside. We are here for you. Here to listen. Not to judge. Sending hugs your way. All my best Robyn
Thank you, thank you for sharing such a personal story. I love reading your blog, I am a mom of 3 kids under 5 so many of your posts hit home. I can’t wait to read more about your journey and what lies ahead. I will be praying and thinking of you. Xoxo
Thank you, thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. I am a mom of 3 under 5 and so many of your posts I relate to. My first baby was IVF took 7 years and then he was born early, in the NICU for 40 days and had 4 surgeries before the age of 2. He is now thriving at 5 years old. I never knew what strength was till I had him. You are amazing and real. I can’t wait to read more about your journey to getting better. Happy new year!! Xo
Eva, I am so sorry for the absolutely awful experience you are having right now. No doubt what happened to Major would have really triggered your anxiety disorder combined with the sleep deprivation and your hormones still settling post birth. Just know that you will start to feel a lot better soon and don’t at all feel guilty if you need to take some anti anxiety medication to get through this hellish time. My anxiety reared its ugly head recently during this pregnancy and I went straight back to my nightly 10 minute meditation before bed and applying lots of Doterra lavender oil on my pulse points and diffusing too at nighttime and it helped a lot (I know your a big Doterra fan so try and use your oils as much as you can right now) big love to you and your beautiful family.
You are awesome! I just read your story on People.com regarding the accident that transpired with your Night Nurse and precious son, and I want to, first, commend you for being brave enough to share your story. More so, however, your realization that proper care and rest is needed in order to be energized enough to care for your family, which presumably led to your decision for a Night Nurse, is nothing to be criticized. More mothers would make the same decision if resources would allow. The hospital staff was right… These things happen, and you are certainly not to blame. God is good, and your previous baby is doing well :0) For that, you can rejoice and thank Him for the chance to continue to parent wonderful children (and mess up at it DAILY, as we all do:0)). Be sure, however, to take care of yourself along the way: physically, emotionally, and mental health-wise (which it sounds like you’re addressing!), so you can continue to be all you can for you and your family. And though I don’t know either of you, it sounds as though your husband is a wonderful source of support– take solace in that, too! Keep up the GREAT work as a mom, and an overall person! :0)
Your honesty is an inspiration…I think as a parent we all have that scare a time or two. Unfortunately, we are tramatized or shaken up and scared for our babies safety. As a mother of two (living with O.C.D.) our 2 year old daughter rolled off our bed at 4 months old,rushing her to the hospital and having to deal with the not knowing then having to deal with the criticism of doctor’s,I was pretty hard on myself after and my heart was so heavy after…I went into a panic every time either of my children cried or fell which made me more judgemental and picky if anyone else tried to help me with them. I turned into super mom from the abyss? I realized one day I had to take a step back because I caught myself being snappy and judgemental on how my husband was even caring for our children. Insomnia was my bestfriend,and I was a worry wart from h.e. double L!! Here I am a year and months later coping with my feelings after my baby’s fall. It’s a process and the road is bumpy ,but I look at my family and especially my babies and this ride is so worth it…Always take time for yourself, Mommies need to charge there soul,us as parents have the hardest job’s nurse,doctor,teachers,healers,provider’s,nurturers…etc. Your awesome for the strength to share your families story. Many hugs and super strength sent your way!??
Anyone who has faced some of the difficulty you have would be shook up. I am praying for you and your family. Praying for your peace of mind, strength and comfort.
Um, how about you raise your own kid instead of letting someone else do it.
Hard as it is to believe, everything happens for a reason. Do not, do not blame yourself or take any of this on yourself. You’re a wonderful mom and person and sometimes bad things just happen to good people. Let go and trust God or whoever you choose to believe in. He’s safe and healed and you Eva are safe, beautiful and loved. Here’s to 2017.
I am sorry for the anguish your family must have gone through. Your baby is healthy today and that is a big blessing. Thank you for sharing your story. Being a mom to a newborn is no easy task, when my first born was a few days old a lactation consultant discovered that I hadn’t been producing any milk, so those days that I thought she was being fed she had actually been getting nothing. My husband and I ended up in the ER that night with my little one so they could give her liquid nutrition. To this day, that experience brings me feelings of anguish and guilt. Specially since there where signs that my little one was starving during those days. Just remembering her little eyes with what I now know must have been a debilitating look brings a knot to my throat.
My little girl is now 6 years old and I am blessed that she overcame that experience. My guilt and anguish are just as fresh as the day this happened. I felt so ashamed that I didn’t notice anything I kept my experience from people. My dear husband was by my side the whole time and repeatedly said that there was no way we could have known, save for having transparent boobies. No amount of persuasion made me feel even a inch better. I felt/feel? like the worst mother ever and became watchful of my daughter’s every single behavior. I have two beautiful daughters today. Everyday life is great and going well. I just wanted to share because there are moms all over the world that have these sort of experiences and knowing that others have and are going through similar emotions and sharing and talking about them can make us stronger.
I had an incident occur when my youngest was 6 weeks old that increased my existing anxiety. Now we are in therapy with my child (age 9) for her own anxiety and I’ve felt so guilty for so long. Did I cause hers? Could I have done something better? My point is, it is terribly difficult to be a mom…I work on it every day and my daughters know that. Sharing your story will, I’m positive, help your children one day understand how much you love them and that is what matters. Happy New Year and thank you for your bravery in telling your story.
Dear Eva,
I fell down the stairs when my infant son was 6 weeks old. He fractured his skull and I too suffered from anxiety and depression afterwards.
Today my son is married with 2 small sons. He’s a high school math teacher. He continues to remind me that “I fractured his skull ” So hang in there and don’t tell your son about it. You’re very brave to share your story. ❤️?
As a mother of two young people I can assure you life will forever be about “what ifs” going forward. We tend to think that everything is in our control: I know I did. But the world and life is more complex than that. As they grow and thy develop their own dreams and wishes and make decisions on their own the anxiety is greater at times…just ask your mom. So anything you can do now to develop resilience will go a long way. For now just know this: you are a good mother.
Oh Eva, not only does my heart ache for you, my core trembles. I have always said my PPD was triggered by an event and while it is nowhere near the pain caused by the things you saw or heard, I know the second that everything changed and to this day (my child is now 12) and I still have moments, albeit, fewer these days than ever before, I still go to that dark place and have to climb out of it.
I had a picturesque pregnancy and beginnings of delivery. I even jokingly said this should be on TLC Baby Story, because it was going just as planned. My memory play horrible tricks on me and that is one of the last positive things I remember from that day. The next thing I know there are NICU nurses and the OB cussing and screaming telling me I have to push because my baby is in danger. My epidural had worn off and (in my head) I did not think after so many hours I had the strength to push through the pain and deliver. I was exhausted and I wanted to give up. The end in sight was so far it was not something mentally I thought I could get to. I even said “I can’t/won’t push”.
Little did I know, during this selfdoubt and pitty-party my son’s heartbeat was dramatically dropping and the cord had been compromised. Obviously, I never meant to harm my baby. I never even thought “not pushing” would hurt him. I know I did not cause this to happen. But the aftermath, was brutal. I did not even want to hold him when they put him on my chest. I was guilt ridden with fear “what did I do?” “How badly did I hurt him?” The worst part I was horribly scared to leave the hospital. “What if the doctors didn’t catch the damage I had caused?” “What if he goes home and something happens that too will prove this is all my fault”. From that point on, I couldn’t, errr, I wouldn’t let anyone watch my son. I was on constant guard and extremely guilt ridden thinking even something such as a stuff animal could smother him and it would all be my fault because I was too tired. To tired to deliver him properly, too tired to move the stuff animal away from him, too tired to ask for help.
Everything snowballed and if it wasn’t for my family’s intervention, demanding, actually forcing me to see my doctor, I don’t know where I would be today. I know no matter what, I still have moments of, “what did I do” and yes, I have to step back and repeat everything I have been told “it wasn’t my fault”, and push through it. I still have triggers and I still check on both my 12 and 10 year olds when they are asleep.
I promise you, while our stories are dramatically different, it does get better. Rest is a huge contributor in success of your recovery. Which sounds ironic when I say, because rest is what I so desperately wanted during delivery and yet that was the one thing robbed from me after delivery. On a whole different level, one where I resented rest and I know today, kept me in that dark place.
You are a great mother and you will get through this!!
Dear Eva,
I”m so sorry to read what happened to Major. It must have been very frightening. I too have had a night nurse fall asleep on the job in a very scary incident. I am still recovering.
I know you live in NYC, and you don’t like hospitals: your fear is not irational, it’s real. They are dangerous!
My own training is the Tao Healing Arts. There is an amazing and well known Taost named Jeffey Yuen who has a long and respected history of working with essential oils with children and babies with brain trauma. . Google him, he is in NYC.
I send you much love and light.
Alexia
PS: I know your mom was a huge Bernie supporter. Me too. If you ask his former press sec Symone about me she will tell you of my passion.
Oh, Eva! I am so sorry to hear what happened.
Thank goodness he is okay.
May the New Year bring lots of love, health and happiness as you embrace it all. Be well and as you know, take it one day at a time.
Happy New Year!
Thank you for sharing this…
Your are a wonderfull mum and you have a fantastic family and I am sure you will fond a way to feel ok…
Best wishes for 2017 from France and from a mum who also gave birth home (third Times) and breastfeeds my five children ?
Dear Eva,
Thank you for sharing your stories. Your birth story inspired me. Your son’s accident left me in tears. All the way from Amsterdam – I wish you and your family a very healthy year.
Thank you for sharing this…
Your are a wonderfull mum and you have a fantastic family and I am sure you will find a way to feel ok…
Best wishes for 2017 from France and from a mum who also gave birth home (third times) and breastfeeds my five children ?
Dear Eva,
It is wonderful to hear that your son is doing well. Please know that this accident was not your fault. Three years ago, I was in a bad car accident that was not my fault, but I struggled with PTSD for a long time afterward. I urge you to get the help you need. With time, you will learn to trust again. Stay close to the people you love, take it a step at a time, and breathe.
I will also share that my sister’s first son rolled off a queen-size bed onto the floor when he was just a few months old. He was evaluated and was fine, just like Major. Today, he is 13 years old and getting As in his honors class at school.
Major has a very bright future ahead.
Take care,
Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing your story! You have been through so much. And now it’s time to let yourself relax and be okay with everything that you’re feeling. Giving birth wreaks absolute havoc on our emotions, primarily hormonal. To add to that, you suffered an incredibly traumatic event. (I can only imagine how horrible the nurse felt as well!) As parents, we view ourselves as the fierce protectors of our children so feel responsible for whatever happens to them.
So, start meditation or yoga or journaling, if you haven’t already, and refocus your brain on positive events as much as possible. And enjoy your little ones while they are little because they grow so very fast. More than anything, our children need us to be present and attentive and loving and nurturing and teaching them how to be okay in the world. And I can tell by your concern and thoughtfulness that you’re already doing a great job! Enjoy those babies!
The PTSD is real and can be terrifying. After my husband’s cardiac arrest several years ago, he just moved forward and preferred no discussion. He missed it all, comatose and temporary memory loss until he was fine. He didn’t have the doctor ask about end of life measures. He didn’t have to decide how and what to tell our 16 year old daughter. He didn’t have to fight one nurse like a wildcat over an “imaginary” infection. (Turned out I was right, it was staph, hmph.)
All this to say, I needed to talk it through and did just what you did. My recovery was so much slower than it should have been. With your child, it would be a million times harder.
I wish you the best and the ability to fly above the judgers. Fellow women and moms can be so difficult. I wish it got easier, it being a mom is a competitive sport for many.
Hi!!! I just want to tell you please don’t beat yourself up over this. When my son was about 8 months I had fallen back asleep with him in my bed, while nursing. Well he woke up and I didn’t. And he ROLLED right off fbe bed. And my bed is so freaking high! I cried all day! And the next! I have 3 kids and that never happened to me before. I pride myself on taking the bear care of them. I don’t sit until they are all sleeping. They are my life.
I felt so guilty as for a few months he was scared when I would change his diaper on my bed or nurse him. I didn’t want him to be scared of my room so I just went on and still did our routine in my room. It’s his favorite room.
He’s totally perfect. He’s 3 1/2 and you would never know. He’s active and smart and so loving.
These things have to happen to us. It makes us stronger and more cautious. Time has really healed me and it will heal you. I promise by the time he’s 3 this will all be forgotten! I just remembered this happened when I saw your blog! You will be fine! I am a perfectionist so for it to happen to me it can happen to anyone, even the best mommy! Thank you for sharing your story! Xoxoxo
Much love EAM. PPD is horrifying by itself, let alone the trauma your family has experience. Good for you for taking care of yourself
I don’t know how you feel about them, but I would suggest a therapist to help you through these feelings and emotions
Hi!…just stumbled on your blog…I am a mom of 5…totally know what you are going through! Our situation was even closer to home…our daughter who was 4 dropped our son backward off her lap and I lost it!! I thought he broke his neck..h0e was ok…and responded well…it took weeks for me to let her hold him again…I was upset at her at first and had to ask for forgiveness from not only her but myself too…she was only four for goodness sake…our son is now 13 and doing great…I too went through miscarriages between our 3rd and 4th children and our 4th and 5th children…so 5 live births 2 miscarriages…its never easy to go through life on your own…you need a network of help…I personally feel like I had Post Pardum Depression since that accident…through many ups and downs, including loss, and more children, and then realizing that after our 5th child I would have to realize that it was much too dangerous to have any more. You see, I had 5 c-sections, we wanted a large family, but I had issues in my pelvic area that prevented me from a natural birth. And to say that I could no longer bear children put me in a state of panic/depression…what if something happened to her…I could never do stairs cuz I thought she and I would fall. I actually thought she might stop breathing and so I held her at night and nursed her for the first four months of her life. It was crazy!! I neede to snap out of this because I had four other children and a husband who needed me too! I told my (wonderful) husband all my fears and we prayed through it together…that is my point…God is there…He’s always there and my prayer was to wrap His arms of protection around my children and keep them within His reach of safety. I also had to ask Him to take away my desire to have more children as that was taking a tole on me as well…I love being a mom!…Depression, Post tramatic stress are REAL feelings and illnesses and need to be addressed. But I know personally that God brought me through my struggles…no other therapy needed…just faith…I’m just an ordinary mom who loves her husband and children and try to live a godly life serving others as Jesus did and I have been blessed!!! God brings things/situations into your life to make you stronger… and then… you are to take that strength and help others… because you’ve been through it. I commend your honesty and now hopefully your healing can begin and “Let go and let God…” as I say many times a day.
My children are now 21, 17, 13, 11, 7 and the two in Heaven are 12 and 9. I have come to the realization that I am not perfect…never will be…and that I can only do my best and…hang the rest…we as moms (women in general) put too much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect wife and mother, but don’t forget that you are you and you cannot be good to others unless you are good to yourself…we need to take care of ourselves first, be healthy….mentally, physically, and spiritually!! Give yourself a break… a pat on the back… and don’t look back…move forward and press on! You can do it…I did!! Happy new year!!!
New you, new beginnings, new goals!!!!
Thank you for sharing this story. As a society we do not do a good job of supporting women when they are experiencing these very things, particularly the adjustments that motherhood brings.
Looking back, I know for sure I had Post Partum Anxiety but didn’t recognize it at the time. I would have these horrible intrusive thoughts, totally irrational…. on the outside I looked okay, going to work, getting up every day, talking to people, etc… but on the inside I worried I ‘wasn’t enjoying this as much as I should’. When I would try to talk about it, I felt like the world didn’t want to hear about it. (“look at your beautiful baby”! “you were so lucky to have a ‘natural’ childbirth”!) As though I had no right to share (or ‘complain) that I was so exhausted I would just start crying over anything and my mind would not stop moving. I think now it was on high alert, a primal response to scanning the environment for threats. But it was not Post Partum Depression that I had thought from books. I never wanted to harm her, didn’t feel suicidal, any of that. But somehow for how incredible and full of love that time was, it was also one of the loneliest times of my life. Being awake alone in the middle of the night with a baby while the world sleeps really makes you feel like you are on an island.
I see now that sharing of the real experience is vital to synthesizing the whole thing. Though my daughter is 8 now, I still have friends in the baby stage. I think we need to say, ‘tell me how tired you are. Tell me about your fights with your husband about who does what. I want to hear about it’. We have to listen to women tell the whole story. Anyway, thank you and sorry for what sounds like a terrible nanny experience! Keep telling your story, you will be surprised how many people it will help.
I’m so sorry to read about Majors accident and your subsequent PTSD, PPD and PPA. You’re not alone in your battle. PPD is very taboo and I found that women don’t talk about it enough. My baby boy was born in July and after a traumatic labor and delivery, an awful and very hard recovery with complications, I realized I developed PTSD and post partum depression very quickly after his birth. That, along with a very fussy newborn with his own set of challenges, down right felt impossible to remain normal. I found with medication, and relying on support from family and friends, was the key to recovering. It’s still not easy everyday, but it gets better. It sounds like you have the self awareness to recognize what you’re feeling and are making the right steps to do something about it, which is half the battle. I hope you continue to feel better and enjoy your beautiful family in the new year.
You brave Mom. I am so relieved you are seeking help. Postpartum depression is such a wide spread condition effecting women everywhere. The added injury to your son must be soul crushing. I volunteer for a nonprofit agency Families First in a program called Moms for Moms. We are matched with Moms suffering PD for one year. Weekly visits of just listening and supporting coincide with appointments with a therapist. I have seen first hand the struggles and accomplishments “my mom” has made. On a side note, my youngest son Daniel was 18 months in a wagon with his 4 year old brother. We were ready to go for a walk when the phone rang and I went in to answer it. (Before cells) I too heard a scream and learned he fell backwards on his head. He had a skull fracture, healed quickly no lasting problems. But I punished myself for years, who leaves their children alone for a minute! I so wish I went for help. By the way, Daniel is a Sargeant with the US Army, 28 and just was married this September. God Bless you and your wonderful family.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal experience. My heart goes out to you for what you’ve been through and for any struggles you continue to have. I pray you continue to nurture your spirit and be kind to yourself. As a mother of two, I can tell you, you are not alone, not in your tradgedies or feelings. You are no less a mother for any of this. In fact, for your insight and strength, and commitment to healing, you prove to be an exemplary mother and woman. Your family is lucky to have you. Blessings!
I’m a mom of a 15 year old boy who 13 years ago was hit by a car and suffered 5 skull fractures internal bleeding and bruising to his abdominal organs also a broken left femur. All this while in the care of my mom. Meanwhile I was a preschool teacher for other family’s children when I heard the news. The news of the accident came by way of my step dad and immediately upon seeing his face I knew my son was in trouble. As you know the panic response is no joke. I had to drive 2 hrs across a state and into another before I would see my beautiful 2 year old in a hospital unsure of what I would see when I got there. The minds response to seeing him there immediately went into survival mode. Make him better! No matter what! Also I had to deal with the fact that this happened with my mom. I had to live with her I had to forgive my mom. The road to recovery was long. The brain injury was the hardest for me. The doctors said he would be fine but how do they know for sure. He went home in a body cast from his armpits to his ankles. His body healed fast and it seemed he was gonna be my boy again. Then I dealt with 7 years of chronic hospital visits for migraines. The Dr’s always said they weren’t sure if it was because if the accident but mothers intuition told me otherwise. Now that he’s a teen almost thinking of driving and getting a job he’s amazing. He’s my boy. He was fine I wasn’t. The anxiety of another injury overtook me for years. I never dealt with it for years because as a single mom barely 22 when the accident happened I also had to survive for his sake. At 15 he wants to play football and that’s where my foot comes down. Oh hell no! Mom can’t deal w another head injury.
Eva,
I don’t exactly know how I came upon your blog today, only that I am grateful I did. Professionally, I run a foundation that works with critically ill newborns and their families. Personally, our 3 day old daughter was nearly discharged home as “healthy” when in fact she was in profound heart failure (today, all babies in the US are screened for asymptomatic heart, lung and pulmonary issues before hospital discharge thanks to our baby Eve’s experience and the work we did afterward to make it mandatory!) After 2 heart surgeries – and a whole lot of self-blame, Eve was doing well. And the world was benefiting from that crazy, traumatic experience. I however relive it almost every day. Working with newborns, midwives and clinicians in medical facilities here and around the world. Providing testimony in front of legislatures on the importance of early diagnosis. Presenting data at a neonatal health conferences…the list goes on. Since Eve was born, I have held many dying babies in my arms. Why did my baby live when these babies are dying? Who even asks themselves that sort of question?? I do. Even still, I know this is my life’s work. I left an arguably successful career to do this. But your post – finally, a flashlight! How can I help others if I remain in this dark tunnel, full of fear and anxiety? No one knows this side. Just my husband…who is THERE (in the best possible ways) but can’t fix it. There were a couple years of moderate coping in the middle. But 3 years ago this month, Eve was diagnosed with a brain tumor. WTH??! Can this little girl catch a break? After a new odyssey with pediatric neurologists and oncologists – she’s doing well, again. Seriously, this kid kicks ass (listening to her wrestle with her sister in the next room while I write this). So how can it be that while our hearts are PACKED with gratitude – there is still this bizarre fear and darkness. I hate it. And I want to be done with it. Thank you to the 2017 stars that aligned today to bring me to your blog. Please know this kindred spirit is rooting for you and your lovely family. Peace, Annamarie
I’m so sorry that happened to you and your family. Don’t beat yourself up. As parents and especially mothers, we put enormous pressure on ourselves. Unless we wrap our children in bubble wrap and lock them in a padded room, they unfortunately will get hurt. And as a result, we hurt more. We all at some point go through the same feelings and emotions. I applaud your courage for telling your story and for stepping back and taking time for yourself. I wish you nothing but the best of blessings in the New Year!
Hey Eva, I myself have gone through traumatic events and I have never read your blog before but was captured by this story on another website. The words PTSD have gone through my mind in dealing with my situation and you’re right; there is so much talking to yourself to try and bring yourself back to that former ‘post-event’ place. It’s like you start to look at your life ‘pre-event’ versus ‘post-event’. I think the old saying ‘time heals all wounds’ does come into play and is a good mantra for us all who experience trauma. I can partially imagine all of the things running through your mind, even down to the hardwood floor decision… Try and just think whenever these thoughts come into play that ‘your son is alright’ and also remember, ‘we cannot control everything that happens to us’. My words may mean nothing to you but I did want to put it out there that another person does understand and is happy for you and your family that Major is healthy and also wishes you the best and wishes you stay mentally strong through this! I fell in love with your essence as an actress on ‘Banger Sisters’; you’ll get through this!
As I sit here in the pediatric unit with my 8 week old son I am sobbing. I so badly needed to read this. My son suddenly stopped breathing three days ago and was rushed here. He has had every test imaginable and have all come back clear (thank god) but they cant tell me why this happened. I have never been an anxious mom but have found myself panicked for three days. Not only about my son but with my 4yr old daughter as well. I can’t sleep as I check if hes breathing every 15 seconds. My daughter had a fever yesterday from a normal cold and I was completely panicked and hysterical. I thought I was going crazy and I’m feeling like I’ll never be the same mom again. Thank you for writing this blog (this was my first time reading your writing it just happened to come up on my news feed which is an amazing coincidence). I t has helped me to feel like my reaction to this life altering event is somewhat normal and that what im feeling someone else is there with me. Im so sorry this happened to you and your family and am glad to hear that your son is good health. Thank you for your words and for the comfort it has brought me today.
Jane, you thoughtful mothers are killing me with deep emotional feelings with your stories of love. I, like you, just found out about this blog because of a news feed. Your story and one other I read above tear me up on the insides BECAUSE of your CARE! The care that you and others here, including Eva, show for your children is amazing and deeply and purely the pinnacle of maternal LOVE. I just want to reiterate that WE as humans cannot control everything and we must push forward and not blame ourselves for things that don’t seem to go well… I will start reading this blog and travel down this journey of discovery of ‘self’ with Eva ~ Her sharing so openly with others is amazing… It takes courage to open yourself but when one does; ~Amazing!
Very sorry this happened. It really could have happened to anyone. It does sound like a form of PTSD since your son crying seems to be a “trigger”. EMDR therapy was very helpful to a friend. It could really help you — without needing to medicate or to limit the amount of time an anti-anxiety would be needed, since this unpacks the trauma for you. It was originally developed for soldiers returning from war. Also, a very good “parenting book” that explains how emotions and the brain work is The Whole Brain Child. http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html
Hi, Eva –
I’m a mom to one of each, too (now 13 and 9), and I was the one who put my son down in the middle of our king-sized bed, only to have him roll off onto the floor (he’d never rolled before). Thank God the bed was low. But that first heart-stopping moment is forever stuck in my head in crystal clarity, as I stood frozen in the doorway and there was no sound out of him. Then he screamed bloody murder and I got to him and picked him up. He was fine, and is fine. But it’s a horrifying experience for a parent to have, and I’ve had the same sort of images you have, imagining this awful thing or that awful thing happening to him or my daughter. I’ve actually been medicated for anxiety since my daughter was 3. Try not to beat yourself up It CAN happen to anyone; we’re all human. Do what YOU need to do to take care of you. Take the time you need, seek whatever help you need. Being a parent is the best and most trying job of our lives, with no sick or vacation days. You have to take care of you before you can take care of someone else, and despite what this world would sometimes have us believe, there’s no shame in that. Here’s to the new year bringing peace, happiness, and health!
Hi Eva–I don’t know you or follow your blog, but saw your story pop up on Huffpost on FB. As a 58-year old woman who raised two girls, I will give you a little advice. Having two kids two years apart is a lot for anyone. If you can manage to take a year off and just take care of them without worrying about work, do it. In Europe you get a year off with pay, and then good government run daycare when you go back. In America, we make it very hard for families. Second, my take on childcare is to only trust others once your kids can talk and tell you what’s going on. Otherwise you’re hoping It’s all good, and I’ve heard nightmare stories. I know this doesn’t help mothers who need to work outside the home, but you may lose some of the anxiety you are experiencing if you rely on only your family for help at this time. Third, tell your husband to stay off ladders. I can’t tell you how many do it yourselfers I know who have fallen and broken legs and bodies. It doesn’t cost that
much to hire a gutter guy. Let him take the risk since Its his job and he’s up on ladders all day. Fourth, maybe put thick carpet where the babies play. When I moved into my new house with a 4-year-old and an infant, I put rugs down to cover the ceramic tile in the sunroom and carpeted the whole upstairs where they slept. Now that you have these babies, you have to think outside the box to ensure their safety. You and your husband have to think more about your own safety as well as about that of your children. You will be fine with time. You just had a very frightening experience and you are smart to address the anxiety with professional help. Life gets harder when you have a family. You are not alone. Everyone goes through these feelings to some extent. Your two accidents coming so close together would create a panic effect. You sound like a great mom who just had some bad things happen in a row. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
I’m so sorry that this happened. How very scary! Just out of curiosity, was this night nurse an LPN or an RN? Do make sure you report her to the state board of nursing to make sure that this never happens again to another family.
I’m so sorry that this happened to your baby.
When our daughter was 6 months old, I was playing with her on our bed when she suddenly rolled over the side. I remember grabbing one of her leg before she could hit the floor. She’s 12 now and to this day, that moment is still vividly burned into my mind, and I still feel guilty about what could have happened. So I can imagine what you use be going through.
Hello, I actually have never read your blog or any blogs for that matter as I rarely have the time. However, I happened upon your article in the news. Although our lives are worlds of differences, I identify with quite a few aspects of your situation. You are an amazing mother, never doubt that. Raising children is the most amazing, nerve racking, rewarding, and hard experience. It changes you – if you are fully invested and have that unconditional love. You obviously do, and that can come with so much fulfillment and….. panic! One of my three sons also had a traumatic fall and it scared me in the same way you describe. Some people laugh at me (because he is ok- just like your son- thank goodness) and for quite a time, I felt alone. It sounds like you are not only smart, but you have support. You will get through this, I promise, and you will come out the other side stronger, happier and more centered. My thoughts are with you and your family! Have an incredible 2017!!
Dear Eva, I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner, a psychotherapist, a mother and a grandmother. Just want to offer you some strong words of support. This accident was truly not your fault. You are a wise woman and a loving mother who knows that taking care of yourself is the best gift you can give those young children. They are adorable!! Glad you are actively on the road to healing. I am sure that your post will help others. Thanks for your bravery in sharing it. Happy New Year to you and yours.
Dear Eva,
I found your story as it was trending on Facebook today. I am so incredibly sorry that you and your family have gone through this scary situation, and was so relieved to read that your adorable son is healing well. Thank you for sharing your struggle and being so open about what you’re dealing with. I run a nonprofit organization called This Is My Brave and our mission is to encourage people to share their stories of overcoming mental illness to end the stigma. Every time one of our finds the courage to talk about our pain out loud, it gives many more people the bravery to also share. And when this happens, we find deeper connections in our lives and more support for our journey. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Know that you are not alone and that just through writing, you’ve likely helped more people also seek help – more than you’ll ever know.
Take care,
Jennifer
Hi Eva, I’m so, so sorry to hear what you went through — and thank god Major is OK now. I’m sure you’re hearing this from many folks, but it does sound to me like you have some PTSD from the experience. My now 4-year-old son Dylan was born premature and nearly died on the second day of his life. It was the most terrifying thing that I’ve ever experienced. Thankfully he’s great now, but looking back, I realize now that I was suffering from pretty serious postpartum anxiety and PTSD during the first year or two of his life as the result of his scary start to life. A pediatrician friend of mine told me that “fragile baby syndrome” is not uncommon in experiences like mine (and yours), and I’m sure I had it. Basically, even though your baby is doing totally OK after their previous crisis, you as the mother can’t help but see them as forever fragile because you once saw them so vulnerable in the hospital. That was definitely true for me. I remember telling my husband over and over again during Dylan’s first year that I was waiting for “other shoe to drop” — i.e., waiting for the next medical crisis or developmental delay to hit us, even though there was no reason to think that would happen.
I wish now that I’d taken more proactive steps to deal with my anxiety and PTSD because I think I would have enjoyed the first year of Dylan’s life a lot more. I did eventually do a kind of therapy called EMDR that aims to treat PTSD. I did it while I was pregnant with my second child because I worried that being back in a hospital for labor and delivery would bring back all of the terror and fear from my experience with Dylan’s birth. Who knows if it was the EMDR or just time, but I will say that when my daughter was born full-term and healthy last April, 3.5 years after Dylan’s birth, I felt like I had *finally* let go of the fear and anxiety. I’m enjoying parenting a baby so much more this time around because I’m not paralyzed by fear.
All of which is to say that I really commend you for writing this post and admitting that you need help. Please continue to seek support and treatment because no mom should have to live with that fear and anxiety.
Sending big hugs!
Laura
I saw an article on the DailyMail. As of last check there were over 650 comments (90% awful, and cruel) Please avoid reading them, they are so judgemental.
Oh Eva!!!! My Gosh what a story. I am so very sorry. I’m quite impressed on how you kept blogging and counting to stay in the holiday spirit while you were going through majors accident. First of all Thank Goodness Major is ok. It could of been far worse and don’t be sorry for having a baby nurse. Wish I had one when my kids were young and I was a stay at homeMom, so as a working Mom I can see why you have help. It takes a village Eva… never ever be afraid to get help. You went through a very scary ordeal it only makes sense that you are having a hard time usually after the initial shock is gone and your out of the danger zone is when the anxiety hits… and it hits hard!!!! PTSD is a very real and horrible condition. I my self have had dealt with PTSD with a family member, and I have battled depression and anxiety for iver 10 years. I’m a firm believer in Therapy. I hope you get the help you need and taking a break from work is A good thing. Get better soon. Be well and take care of YOU!!!!!! Your babies need thier Mama… lots of love and strength to you… xoxo Jen
Miss Eva,
I’ve already seen some of the negative comments you were dreading, so thought I would send encouragement. My then 5 yo was seriously injured inside my house with me 5 feet away; point being, stuff happens. This was a child who (and it grieves me to say this) might not have survived his first day of life as he was born at 26 weeks. He survived then, survived the accident, and is now 16! Anytime he was hurt after the accident (fell at playground, biking, etc), I would quietly freak out. It did get better with time. Unfortunately accidents happen no matter who is with your child – parents, grandparents, friend, caregiver, teacher, etc. It is unbearable to have your child at risk of serious injury, and it is indescribably joyous to have them exploring the world with you! If fear is overshadowing the great adventure that is life, counseling can be beneficial. Take care.
Postpartum Anxiety Disorder is thing and I wish more moms were made aware of it. It’s not your fault and it’s totally treatable. I developed it after the birth of my third child and it was debilitating. It sounds like the author is already making the smart choices – therapy, taking things off her plate etc. Having a supportive partner helps too.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for forgiving the nurse. I applaud your courage and honesty. You and your precious family are going to be just fine. I acidentally found this article and I am glad I read it. Blessings on you.
I am sorry to hear that you experienced this. I had a similar story. When I returned to work full-time, 3 weeks in, I got a panicked call from the caregiver that I had so carefully chosen to look after my precious little baby girl. A door from the living room to the basement had been left open and while the caregiver was warming her lunch, my daughter who was seated in the middle of the living room finally got the knack of crawling for the first time, made it to the door and fell a full flight of unpadded basement steps onto a concrete floor. She also had a fractured skull and was extremely swollen and bruised. These accidents can happen anywhere and we were so very lucky that our daughter suffered no ill effects, since many lesser falls can have more serious consequences. It sounds like the angels were watching your baby too. I recall the doctor joking to console me that if my daughter ended up being poor in math, it was not because of the fall. She is 24 now and an engineer so try to look forward now and just be thankful. 🙂
So sorry that you are going through that but I assure you time heals if you let it and don’t fight it. I have a similar story. At 5 months my son slipped off the bed hitting the bed frame and then floor with his head. It was my fault. I literally thought that because I was standing right next to him there’s no way he could slip down. I turned without moving both feet to get something from the dresser and it happened. I was so overwhelmed and shaken the paramedics seemed more worried about me then my son. He had two small fractures on the back of his head. we stayed one night in the hospital and did check ups after that, first every two weeks then every month, every 3 months and then they assured us there was nothing to worry about. That day and the next few nights were the worst days of my life. It struck my husband and I so bad we would stay up nights on the internet reading others experiences trying to find peace that he would be fine. I remember for a period of time I would cry my self to sleep silently worried that something would happen to my kids. That doesn’t happen anymore but it did take time. Talking about it and realizing I was not the only one made things bareable. That said My son is now 3 and still I don’t always fully trust anyone to watch my kids. But I am human I am a mother and One step at a time is the best way of letting your soul heal
You are blessed. With writing these words on your blog you are beginning to heal every fiber of your being. The healing begins.
I’m so glad you were able to tell your story. I also struggled with PTSD post-partum after my baby tore one of my blood vessels on her way out and it took hours for it to be discovered and mended. Sharing my story became an integral part of my recovery, but therapy was also a tremendous benefit. I’d encourage anyone reading this not to shy away from asking for help. It’s out there.
Dear Eva
Being a mother and a psychotherapist, I applaud your decision to take care of yourself. Please be gentle to yourself. Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet. I thought being an emergency room/crisis therapist was until I became a mom. I was never so nervous, exhausted and also suffered from depression for the first year. Your struggle touches my heart as I also had some traumas that happened in my daughter’s first years of life. Please do whatever you need and get the support to heal yourself. Healing will come. Know that you have the prayers and support of many. Take care please.
Thanks for your bravery in sharing your story. In the midst of a trauma, and while in the throes of a deep emotional reaction to it, you are strong and wise enough to know when to seek help and that is commendable. I also want to share with you that after the birth of my second son a few years ago, I was doing a night feeding in the rocking chair and fell asleep. When I woke up I found my son face down on a comforter that was folded next to the chair on the floor. He was fine, simply sleeping, and there was also a carpeted floor underneath that blanket, but I was horrified and guilt ridden for weeks after. The point is, I am his mother, and it still happened. Please don’t judge yourself. At that time in my life, I hadn’t slept more than two hours in days, and if I had had the resources to hire help, I would have. I would have thought it the most responsible thing to do so that I could replenish myself and be more present for my child. I wish you and your family blessings and healing in the new year.
I understand the guilt you are feeling. All mothers feel guilty even for the most smallest thing to events as difficult as what you suffered through. You are strong for sharing. For the strongest share what they have been trough. It is NOT your fault. Night nurses are hired to help us mothers get through some hard times of birth recovery. It is not easy. You are strong. I don’t know you but your story shares the strength and the love of a mother. May God Bless you and your little one.
Eva, thank you for your courage in sharing this. As a working mom of two (now adult) daughters, I can tell you that the struggle is real! My daughter had surgery at 12 to remove a tumor that I was convinced was my fault because I drank two diet sodas before I knew I was pregnant! When I said this to the surgeon, he told me that the mothers always blame themselves but we have to just learn to accept that we can’t control everything. My daughter is well and healthy and is now graduating from college and pursuing a graduate degree in special ed. It gets better, I promise. We working mothers are so hard on ourselves- treat yourself with the same kindness that you show to others!
This would be devastating to any Mom and soooo scary. I just have one comment and it may seem picky but as an RN I always have trouble with the term Nurse being used freely. When I read the headline I pictured a Nurse but as I read on I pictured a Nanny who may have had some sort of health care experience but certainly not an RN. I rarely comment on things as I find people so mean and hurtful but this is just a correction I can’t stop myself from doing. I am sure she didn’t have a Doctor’s stethoscope either (Joy Behar’s words in devaluing nursing skills). Enjoy your beautiful babies. They really do grow up too fast
So sorry you are going through all this. I think many of us would be struggling if we walked in your shoes. I cried constantly for over a year after my 5 year old almost died from an allergic reaction. I know the pain and fear. Glad you are taking time off and getting professional help. But also get daily household help. Knowing the house is clean, laundry done, a healthy and delicious dinner is ready for your family will take a lot of pressure off. Wishing you only the best. ((Hugs))
Hello Eva, I just heard about Major and red your story. The moment I heard about it, while holding my little 7 weeks old babygirl, tears run into my eyes. A damn cold shiver run trough my body… helpless. I’m with you in my thoughts and sending you all my love <3
Thank you for sharing I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. Spending time with your family and on being kind to yourself is a must, don’t rush, all your readers will be here when you are feeling better. Wishing you and your family all the best!
What a brave post. I struggle emotionally. The quicksand analogy is perfect. Take the time, enjoy these days with your family and taking deep breaths. The blog will still be there.
Hi Eva,
As I read about you traumatic experience with Major and about the impact that it has had on you emotionally, every part of my being felt it. So much so that I was moved to write my first response in this type of social media. I am glad Major is doing so well. Thank God for that!!!
However I feel for you and your internal struggle and because of it I needed to share something that has made a major difference in my life from the very first time I tried it. It is call “evox reframing”. It is often refer to as acupuncture for the brain. Safe and effective. Do your homework on line and then look for the nearest location in your area that offers the service. If you own something called a cradle (sort of like a computer mouse in the shape of a hand)you can do the session from the privacy of your home. I can go on and on about this but no need to. You are a strong, smart and loving mother and I am sure you will do what mothers know how to do best, fight with every ounce of our being to stay well physically and emotionally so that we can offer our “little blessings” the best of us.
Sincerely,
WM
Hi Eva, I was led to your blog by a news article. I just want to express my sympathy and compassion for you and all you’ve been dealing with. I have two little girls myself (7 & 4) and have run the gamut of parenting emotions, including despair, anxiety, and depression. It can and will get much much better. I wish you courage and healing and support as you go forth. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband! Best to you and your family. Lydia
Dear Martino Family,
After I had a little cry, I said a prayer for sweet Marlowe and Major, thank goodness the bumps and bruises will mend. Eva, I said a special prayer for you. I, too, suffer from anxiety and reading your story, I empathize with you and the darkness you feel from time to time. I know those feelings of dizziness, and of wanting to vomit, I’ve been through them more times then I care. Be good to yourself, take the necessary time you need to feel better and remember…we’ll all be waiting for you upon your return. xo
Happy New Year Eva and family! I am so sorry to hear about your recent struggles. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and I am relieved to hear Major is okay❤️
Wow! Thank you for sharing that will all of us readers. I am a mother of three. But they are all adults now. I remember having those same overwhelming feeling of fear with my children. We had broken bones and head injuries, all accidents and we made it through. They grew to be amazing successful adults. My eldest daughter has five children and have seen the same fear on her face. All mother experience it. You will make it through but please with all the scary things you go through with your children just remember to stay it the moment, good or bad. Because they grow up so fast. Writing this brings tears to my eyes because I know that when my children were growing up, I missed moments that I’ll never get back ……I was too busy with being busy. I would give anything to get those moments back. Being a mom was the best. Yes, I’m still a mom but I am just a spectator now. Thank you for being so open, I know you don’t have to be. Thank you for sharing little pieces of your life. I enjoy the pictures too! You have a beautiful family. Remember to enjoy your children at all times. Tricia
Eva,
Thank you for sharing with us and being so real. Sharing your good times and your bad. So many of us can relate to you! PPD and Anxiety is a struggle that far too many of us go through and never ever talk about or deal with properly. Take care of yourself and enjoy your beautiful family.
Jill
Oh friend, (I say that knowing I don’t know you…knowing I just have a glimpse into your life…but also always feeling supportive of another woman and mother and wife) I am so sorry you’re going through this. I think sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one that has these {irrational?} fears. I have three children and with each passing year that we have been graced with health and no major problems, I fear that my time is coming. That something horrible is bound to happen. Just yesterday my baby boy (3) had a rare fever for what seemed like no reason. I thought every horrible possibility. I slept like a mouse, checking his skin and pulse every ten minutes it seemed. He woke up perfectly fine. His body seems to have fought off whatever it was.
Nevertheless, I often have debilitating anxiety and bouts of depression that I just wish would go away.
My point to this spill was that while I am not glad someone else shares my plight, I’m glad to know we have someone to share the ups WITH the downs.
You’re an AMAZING mother. That is obvious. If you find some healthy coping mechanisms, please share.
We are here for you….not just as readers.
Xoxo,
Nicole
I’m so sorry. Praying for your anxiety. Raising kids is one of the hardest things. I feel like I’ll never stop worrying about my children. And when you’ve seen bad things happens it’s even worse to imagine the worst will happen again. Hang in there!
Eva, it sounds to me like you’re a wonderful mother who needs support and positive words, not judgment of any kind. I absolutely HATE how awful people are with the mom judgment these days. I truly commend your bravery in telling this very difficult story and being so honest about the emotional stress a mother can go through after such a horrible experience. God bless.
Hi Eva
I just wanted to tell you that you are an awesome mom and that what you’re feeling is completely normal. I had the unfortunate experience of being the parent in the room when my 18 month old son tripped and broke his leg and then again when he was 2 he tripped and knocked out two teeth. Because of those incidents, I had constant anxiety about him getting hurt for almost a year. Even today, when he actually does get hurt, I know I over-react. I am sure the anxiety and guilt are different when it was a caretaker in the room when your child got hurt. There are many ways to help the anxiety and the guilt. But please just know that you are human, a great mom, and not alone.
Another Mom
I am so happy you are taking time off! After you had Major you got right to work and I thought, “oh man, don’t worry about your readers, take a leave!” I’m sorry a trauma has had to cause you to finally do it. So happy that babe is healthy and you will be soon too.
Hi Eva 🙂
Almost wish we lived closer so we could be friends, I feel like we’d connect.
I relate to so much in your story and am so in awe of you for sharing, whatever the timing.
When I was an infant, I fell on my head and had a similar injury to Major, the doctors were amazed….but all was well in the end.
I had a miscarriage while living in Japan and the d&c that I had was nothing like what is common in North America… it was more like torture. I didn’t know it at first, but I had PTSD for a long time after it happened and I didn’t want anyone to know what happened or how I was feeling…. I lost myself in so many ways. A few months later I was pregnant again and issues were found with the baby that I believe God healed to show me and the doctors his presence. But I was still struggling with PTSD and couldn’t connect to the pregnancy. My son was born with a severe congenital heart defect. I was terrified and somehow convinced myself it was my fault…. I didn’t want judgement on him or me so I didn’t tell anyone for a long time. I couldn’t leave our house for long because his lungs couldn’t handle the Japanese summer… I felt so alone. When he was 7 months old we moved back to Canada. A week before the we left the doctors did more tests and found that his lungs and heart were no longer failing. This was amazing ….: but I couldn’t let go of my fears of losing him or something horrible happening beyond my control.
I am pregnant again and due in a couple months (my first is a year and a half) ….. and again I find myself refusing to connect to this pregnancy and terrified over things that should not have so much power. My OB thinks I am still struggling with PTSD. I was so disappointed at first, but it a lot to go through. What you went through (and are going theough) is a lot to go through.
I’m glad you wrote what you did on instagram today. Those who pass judgment truly have no place in your life or thoughts. Being pregnant, post partum, being a mother, going through trauma…. all such vulnerable and private times. Thank you for your bravery in sharing. Now just focus on taking care of you and yours
I’m so glad Major Boy is ok, what a terrible thing to go through. Best wishes to you! And take your time…we’ll all be here when you get back. :).
sending you lots of love and kind vibes Eva! you’re stronger and more courageous than you recognize and give yourself credit for, and you can not build an empire on sand, so taking time to strengthen “you” and your foundation is just what’s needed. <3 be well! xo
So glad to hear that Major is okay. You love your children and do your best to protect them and keep them safe, as all of us mothers do. Accidents happen, and this was an accident. Don’t guilt yourself to death and make yourself miss out on all the wonderful milestones and happy moments ahead for both your babies and your family. All we can do is try our best, then leave the rest to God to watch over us. Glad you are taking some time off til you feel better. I’d like to think all your followers such as myself are your friends and of course we want you happy and well. Take care of yourself and no mommy guilt! Happy New Year to you and your family. God bless ❤️
My 1 year old ended up with 2nd and 3rd degree burns in his hand from a steam pipe a few feet away from me. I will never forget the image of him frozen with his hand on the pipe, screaming in pain. I completely understand the PTSD feeling. I couldn’t sleep for a long time because I kept seeing it over and over again. I also felt like I couldn’t leave him for months. The emotional toll lasts a lot longer than the physical injury. It’s a horrible feeling for any parent and I feel for you!
Dear Eva,
First thank you for sharing this post so openly, it is very rare that blogs and social media see this degree of honesty. I am a mom of two as well and many of the feelings you describe in this post resonate with me so closely, though I can’t say I’ve ever been this open… I’m of the ‘fake it til you make it’ school…
One thing I am sure of: like every mom you are doing the best you can and taking a few weeks off to focus on yourself is the right thing. I hope the clouds clear out soon for you, you come across as a wonderful person and you deserve it.
All the best.
Sandra
My heart goes out to you on all accounts. I have become so frozen inside, so numb that I am actually grateful that something has brought me to tears. I lost my premature son in 2008 and his dad in 2010. I live in walking fear, pain and anxiety everyday. I just sum it all up that one day I’ll die and it will have some meaning on the other side.
I applaud you for your strength and courage but mostly for your honesty. Bless you and be blessed. T
You are amazing for sharing this Eva! I got teary-eyed reading this because the difficulties after pregnancy and in motherhood in general are never talked about enough. I’ve had anxiety for years and although I’ve gotten help for it, and it’s fairly under control thru meds and therapy, it reared its ugly head right after I gave birth to my son last January. So many of those feelings you expressed in your post, I remember all too well. Thank you for sharing your story and normalizing emotions that many of us moms experience and wonder if we’re the only ones. You will get thru this!! So glad Major is okay. Enjoy taking time for your family, will be thinking of you! xoxo
It’s very brave of you to share this. Know that most people (aside from internet trolls) would never judge you or blame you for something that was an accident, that you weren’t even involved in. I’m glad to hear your little one is okay. You’re 100 correct in self assessment. You need to take time off, you need to deal with what’s happened to you and find a way forward. From a psychological standpoint, your brain will react to this sort of trama in a way you can’t control but you will find a way to deal with it when it does so it doesn’t cripple your life. I wish you and your family the best and hope 2017 brings you some form of peace and comfort. HUGS
Hi Eva! I started following you during your pregnancy with Major as I was expecting my first child who was born at the end of August. In my times of self doubt and first few weeks post partum, I found your honesty so comforting and you have no idea how much reassurance it’s given me. Thank you!! This post is so deep and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling! I suffered from post partum anxiety for about a month after my daughter was born and could only articulate to my husband that my “happys and sads” were a sine wave that was way out of control. I am so glad Major is OK! My prayer for you is that you find your peace and know you are doing the absolute best for your adorable children! God bless you and your family now and this whole new year!
Eva,
I have never read your blog before but your story struck me. I was also accidentally dropped as a baby. My skull was fractured and my parents were told that I might not make it. I want you to know that I made it to adulthood and am “normal” (whatever that is!). I am praying for you as I remember my mother telling me that this incident caused her to get her first large crop of grey hair. Each day with your baby is a gift.
Best to you and blessings to your family,
Ellen Smith
You are amazing for sharing this Eva! I got teary-eyed reading this because the difficulties after pregnancy and in motherhood in general are never talked about enough. I’ve had anxiety for years and although I’ve gotten help for it and it’s mostly under control thru help of meds and therapy, it reared its ugly head after I gave birth to my son last January. So some of the emotions you expressed feeling in your post I remember all too well. Thank you for normalizing these feelings especially for us moms who often wonder if we’re the only ones feeling a particular way. You will get thru this!! So glad Major is okay! Enjoy your time with your family, will be thinking of you. xoxo
Hi Eva,
16 years ago, I went out of town for 2 days with girlfriends, for a Christmas shopping trip. My very trusted sitter took over when my husband went to work. She came very early because my husband is a surgeon and had an early case. After an hour or so, and still no sound from the monitor of my 2 year old waking up, the sitter went in to check on her. My precious little girl had died during the night – no explanation to what had happened. Many tests and theories were explored, but in the end, her heart just stopped beating. I tell you this to say – I know about guilt. If I had been there, if I hadn’t done a selfish thing like go shopping, if, if, if.
Therapy (lots of it), time (lots of that too), faith, and forgiveness got me breathing again. But it was a difficult and painful process. Today, three children later, I am happy and at peace. But I do understand, oh so well, what you are feeling. You know – you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. Life happens, and the miracle in all of this is that you have two beautiful, completely healthy children, a husband who has proven his unconditional love for you, and too many blessings to count. Your life is rich.
Girl, there isn’t one person that wouldn’t use a night nurse if they had the opportunity, and if they say they wouldn’t use one they’re lying! You’re a wonderful, parent, wife, daughter, all around human being. Definitely a traumatizing experience, but we’ve all had them, and we’ve all survived. You do you,find yourself, heal yourself, let it go,and forgive yourself! We love you and your beautiful family. Thanks for keeping it real! You are entitled to feel the way you feel. It’s ok. Time heals all things! Praying for you and your family!
Oh, my. That’s quite a bold statement to make, based solely on your assumption that those who can afford a night nurse will absolutely use one. Even worse, you show a lack of wisdom by labelling parents that choose (with/without money) to not hire a night nurse as liars.
Not so.
My husband and I are wealthy and would never use a night nurse, due to the fact that we personally want the special bonding time, especially for when I breastfeed. As parents, we take turns at night depending on individual schedules. Do we experience daytime sleepiness and fatigue? Yes, naturally. However, we know this time is precious and fleeting with our baby.
Nevertheless, I see nothing wrong with hiring a night nurse, like Eva and her husband had done. It’s a personal choice generally based on multiple factors (including affordability), but not one that you should assume is based solely on money. I doubt Eva simply thought, “Hey, let’s get a night nurse because we can afford it.” Otherwise, she might as well jet-set and let nannies primarily raise her babies…because she can afford it, right?
Wrong.
Not all people with financial means are willing to hire help, just because they can. That skewed perspective is too “keeping up with the Joneses” for many of us that come to a decision in a much more informed manner and with respect to our individual desires as parents within the family dynamic as a whole.
While wealthy couples don’t have basic money woes, many parents (celebrity or otherwise) want to parent their child in as normal a manner as possible…in a sense, like everybody else. In fact, they may prefer “normalcy” in order to avoid raising a child with an attachment/personality disorder, behavioral issues, or an elitist frame of mind. To that end, I stand with those couples. I want my child to benefit from extra bonding moments while learning foundational things – like honesty, generosity, and work ethic…and to take nothing or nobody for granted. 🙂
Dearest Eva,
While this isn’t exactly the same, I know how you feel. When my daughter was under a year old, we moved into an old house with carpeted stairs. When I was walking down the stairs with her in my arms, I lost my footing and slipped. I fell and she dropped out of my grasp. That little booger bounced down 3 stairs and on to the carpeted landing to my horror. Where were my mom instincts to protects her instead of selfishly grab out for myself to regain control?
I was beside myself. We immediately took her to the hospital and to our relief, she was OK. She is now 16 and a little weird…but still OK! I will always wonder though, through her childhood if every little setback was due to my mishap. Every average developmental lapse, every depression. I had a constant guilt trip ticket ready at my disposal.
Don’t let this be your ticket. Enjoy your beautiful baby from this moment on. It’s so easy to carry this shit with you. Although you didn’t dribble your baby down the stairs like a Harlem Globetrotter, so you have that going for you!
I’m so sorry this happened. How scary and how wonderful that Major is fine. Love and trust yourself as a woman, a wife and especially as a mother. You are doing a beautiful job ?
I am glad everything turned out fine by the GRACE OF GOD. I can certainly understand why you would be suffering from PTSD. MEDITATION. EFT. Mostly what will help is if you let GO of your guilt. Sending you LOVE & LIGHT.
Hi, I’m Ludmila from Argentina. I admire your strength to tell you what your family has gone through. I go through similar fears with my daughter so I understand your feelings. I sent all the force and light into the distance to get you ahead. My thoughts are with you and I wish all the best and i hope you can get ahead very soon. I love your blog. Sorry for My bad english.?. All the best for 2017.
What strength is takes to share this. I cannot imagine what you went through, you poor thing.
To share with you I have three kids, when my second was maybe 8 months we went on a trip to Walmart just me and him, I went to put him in the shopping cart (front part) and he slipped from my hands and fell to the floor. Well I wanted to die right there and then. I didn’t know what to do, It felt like minutes, within a second he was back in my arms, didn’t even know what happened. He didn’t even cry (we have snowsuits here it was winter) and it cushioned his fall. I replayed the event over and over in my head- would he be ok, would there be after effects? He was absolutely fine. Not say at all you can compare the two incidents- at all. But all to say as you said it could happen to anyone. As much as we try and shelter our babies- kids- children. Sometimes things happen. Stuff happens. Life happens. You will see these kids are resilient, and as they grow we become more resilient as well. You will get through this, its a bump in the road. There will be many. Mine are 7-9-11- three boys. You continue to love and care for them the way you are doing. You will all be just fine, from one mommy to another XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I’m very sorry that you and your family have experienced so much trauma in the last two months. I’m glad your son is okay. Please accept my best wishes for healing and a healthy 2017.
You sound like an amazing mother. Take all the time you need away from this blog. Your readers will be here when you return! <3
Everyone needs help sometimes. If you can’t let anyone care for your children just yet… let someone care for YOU. Let someone do laundry, cleaning, and a bit of cooking… run errands. Even if just a few days a week.
Wishing you health, happiness & love in the New Year and beyond….
Tina
You my dear girl are very brave. Things like this happen and no one has the right to judge you. I’ve had 3 boys and all that entails :). I struggled emotionally after each birth but kept it to myself for fear of judgment. I wish i had confided in someone. My first child will be 30 this year and im still struggling daily. Like they say take one day at a time. Enjoy your beautiful family and don’t judge yourself too harshly.
First off! Happy New Year 2017 to you and your whole family! I just wanted to say that this is a beautifully inspiring post. I believe being optimistic in tough times is the most rewarding when it comes down to living your dream for me it’s my husband and our two kiddos. I also find myself being overwhelmed at times with the stage in life I’m going through but reading your words helps me a lot. I feel so much like a child in an adult world because I get so overwhelmed that I have a hard time even making breakfast some mornings but you open my eyes to see that in reality everyone goes through these struggles and it’s how you deal with them and learn from them that really counts. I also found some great natural ways of dealing with it like Meditation, Crystal Healing, and Essencial Oils. It might sound a little unbelievable at first reading all the benefits but I assure you if you are a sensitive loving person you will notice simply diffusing a bit of essencial oils will help you feel their magic by inspiring you, making you calm & peaceful, amongst other benefits. It might help you and your family feel much more calm through these tough times, if your interested I’d recomend the blog (Over throw Martha) it has walked me though a lot about this check it out! And again Thank you for these most beautiful words! I’m so ready for 2017 with this post! ??? Sincerely Yazmin Semiramis Saludos from Mexico City
I’m happy your baby is ok. I most say, PTSD and PPD are very real. Please seek some professional help. I know this first hand. It’s not easy and sometimes we just can’t on our own. Adjusting takes time. Hang in there!
How refreshing to have a mumma share and be so raw on such a sensitive topic. Thank you.
Unfortunately, I dropped our son on our first night home. He was 5 days old and I hadn’t slept more than a few hours since his birth. The truth was I was scared to sleep in case anything happened to him, and in the end it was this fear that caused him the pain. I’ll never forget the feeling of him rolling out of my arms (as I drifted off) and the sound of him hitting the floor. The cries. The drive to the hospital. Explaining to the staff there. It absolutely shook my core.
Thankfully he didn’t sustain the injuries your poor boy had. My heart breaks for you.
We had two miscarriages before our son was born. After the accident I was thinking horrible things, like that I wasn’t meant to be a mother. But I always remember this quote… “don’t believe everything you think”. Even as the baby blues kicked in, I practiced mindfulness hard. Kept reminding myself of the human condition. Allowed myself whatever time I needed to feel my pain so that I could release it, and then focus on this little man who needed his mother. It was most definitely one of the greatest challenges.
My Ari boy is now 17 months and has plenty more accidents on his belt. But nothing compares to that first night home. My husband dropped him in the bathroom and he really struggled to overcome that one. We’ve since had another miscarriage and initially it was a daily struggle to not wrap him in cotton wool and never let him leave the house. But we do. We have to. We cherish every moment with our little miracle and are unapologetically devoted to him knowing he is loved and as safe as any human can be.
These are most definitely the parts of parenting you can’t possibly prepare for. I applaud you for sharing and being a voice for the parents who no doubt have the experiences, but not the voice or the support to help release the pain.
Again, thank you for being so open with us. I hope you find more and more peace with each day, and that Major continues to thrive.
What a beautiful family you have! I can’t imagine all that you have been through recently….your husband falling, having a new baby plus a young daughter, the horrible and traumatic fall your soon endured…work etc! I’m sending you my love and prayers for much better days ahead. Try to take one day at a time. Give yourself a break…you are only one person…trying to do the best you can. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. My kids are 21 and 18…they grow up so fast!! Enjoy your precious family! Lastly…you are stronger than you think…
Blessing!
Lisa Byers
Nashville, TN
My heart is breaking as I read your blog. What a series of awful events you have been through! You are wise to seek professional help after this trauma. You will be well again soon. You’re a great momma and wife with a loving heart. Knowing that your husband and babies are ok, you need to move on to taking care of yourself. There will always be times in your life where you need a little extra help to get through. Keeping you in my prayers ❤
I am so sorry this happened to you all . Many prayers for Major and your whole family . I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on December 13th and have been recovering from a traumatic birth experience ever since . My doctors had no idea my son was so big and sent me to have a vaginal birth and I suffered horrible trauma because of their poor decision. I had a 4th degree tear on the outside and a deep sulcus tear internally, which means that he cut into my vaginal canal all the way down as he exited . I have been sad and in pain ever since (not to mention the overwhelming emtions that come with being a first time mom) . My wonderful sister in law is a photographer and photographed the beautiful moments after he came out , but so far I can’t look at the pictures because it brings back memories of the best and worst day of my life . I have this beautiful baby boy , but I also lost so much blood the doctors and nurses said it was a nerve racking situation for the few hours after he was born . I did not get my perfect birth story by any means , amd some days the feelings are very overwhelming . People’s comments even when they are trying to help can be hurtful and make one doubt themselves . My milk supply has also been so low as an effect of the stress and medicines I am on , so when people try to tell me “tips ” to make sure he gets mostly breast milk I want to say “please don’t judge me , I’m doing the best I can to take care of him and not curl up in a ball of tears for the foreseeable future .” Life happens in ways we never expected but please know many mom’s are rooting for you and struggling with the same overwhelming feelings under different circumstances , no one but another mom can really get it . Much love and prayers to you all!
What an incredibly brave post! Your kids are so lucky to have such a fighter as a mom. Take the time you need – I have confidence you will heal, but when something happens to our babies, it’ll always be there. You have a beautiful family! Peace!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m thankful your little man is fine, thank God. Accident happen all the time and as mothers we beat ourselves up. You are such a wonderful person with a big heart to forgive your night nurse. I’m certain this person was beside themselves and is still trying to coup. Like you mentioned you now need to learn to let go the things you can’t change and that includes this incident.
To acknowledge and seek help for yourself is the start to feeling better. I hope that sharing your story will help others and yourself. 2017 is going to be awesome Year for you and your family.
Your letter hit home really close… very happy for you and your family that your son is well now ??. Trusting your infant with anybody even family can go wrong, and it’s true, it can happen to anyone! It took a very long time to trust my first daughter to be in care of someone besides me and my husband. Seeking for help and knowing that you need it is not only the right way to go, but necessary. Hoping you feel yourself soon!
You are truly a wonderful mom. Unfortunately being a mom does not come with instructions and there are going to be bumps along the way. It’s the getting back up and tackling head on that keeps us going. Never doubt that you are a great mom. God bless you all and may you continue to heal and have a wonderful long life of happiness with your beautiful family ??
You do not need to feel quilty. Accidents happen. Just be glad he is ok
I am beyond moved by your post here. It is truly extraordinary to share your truth when it is not pretty and perfect and coiffed. I believe I have struggled with the kind of anxiety you describe, including the kind that is accompanied by the considerable magnifying effects of breastfeeding hormones, pregnancy and post-partum stress. (I had four babies in six years.) In your piece you said something to the effect of “my feelings are not normal.” I only want to say that your process and everything you described as your experience, as awful as it is to be in the grip of anxiety, sounds perfectly normal considering what had happened. I can’t imagine another person experiencing these same events in any kind of different way. You experienced, not just birth but birth with a two year old, and the stress of going into labor knowing full well you have a child that has a lot of needs, elsewhere, even if it’s in another room nearby, your husband’s accident, your sons accident, the tremendous burden-gift of being the food supply for a newborn. It is also a great service to share this — I have no doubt that there are new mothers out there experiencing anxiety and stress beyond what they think they can manage, that you have blessed night with your eloquent and bare testimony. And to anyone who has said anything other than a supportive comment in response to your piece – they can go to hell.
Eva, let me start by saying, mothers have enough guilt so please stop blaming yourself….you were doing what you thought was best at the time, you didn’t leave him unattended and the nurse had a human moment and it happened. It’s over, he’s going to be ok…now go back to enjoying your kids and husband and even your work, get back to living your life!!
Dear Eva,
I have a one year old boy and I can imagine what you went through as he has fallen from my bed a couple of times under my care and the guilt can kill you.
I wish with all my heart, I know you dont know me but we are together on this motherhood journey, that you can be in peace with yourself so you can keep enjoying your family and sharing with us your life.
I love reading what you post and I look forward to seing you back whenever you are ready.
Please receive a sincere hug from Mexico 🙂
And maybe that’s what pushes parenting along, finding peace. Not solving the problem, or overcoming the experience, or ever really recovering. But maybe just making peace with the new life you walked into at any given moment and embracing it with all you have. With great faith…
Bravo for your post. It is brave and it is spot on. I hope you remain steadfast on your journey to happiness and self discovery.
As a mother of two preemies (one born at 24 weeks) and a nurse, I want to tell you that you are more than these transient fears, guilt, and tenseness. You did nothing wrong with hiring help with a newborn; a blessing that I wish were more available to all. A parent that has slept and recouped from the stressors of a new infant blending into your family, is better able to face and triumph. Doulas and nannies and more beneficial than can be thought. I raised my youngest (preemie) with a 4 year old autistic and violent son, and 5 older kids all the way up into teens, as well. How I wished help was more available. I know I was not a good mother or wife at that point being so sleep deprive, stressed, and overwhelmed. Because of that, I also missed so much with my daughter. Having help does not lessen your motherhood, but makes you more in tune to see and feel the little things with your children that you would probably miss if you were exhausted.
You need to heal. Even if you had no symptoms of post-partum depression, this could push you into it along with PTSD. Get help for yourself, even if it requires medication….depression and anxiety is CHEMICAL, not a choice or lack of strength. It does not mark you as a failure.
You will need to grieve that time you lost focusing on his health, being in the hospital, being scared….normal. I had to learn to grieve what I had envisioned for my little one when he was so early. You need to not be so hard on yourself. Words are easy, but doing so is hard. Although you will feel the need to be more vigilant, more present, and less accepting of help, it does a disservice to you, your children, and your husband. No one person can do it all. It is ok to believe and accept that “it takes a village”. All my love, hugs and support.
As a working mom this could happen to someone child in day care no guilt no judgement
Even though my heart goes out to you that this happened to your family, I have to wonder why did you feel the need for a night nurse. Are you one of those mothers who want someone to do the “dirty work” of parenthood? i.e., late night feedings, poopy diapers, etc. Yes you can afford that type of luxury but why for the life of me, I will never understand women who hire someone else to take care of their children. Sure, day care is necessary anymore for any working parent, but hiring someone to get up in the middle of the night to tend to you child? There is something wrong with that. Be a parent, full time parent, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, day and NIGHT!!!
Eva glad your son is doing well. I would of freaked! I have a austic high functioning son @ birth. I have strong anxiety something is going to happen to him. He’s 28 now.The anxiety still hasn’t gotten any better. I am so fearful. My other children I did well with no worries. My only boy. I believe I will never get over it. I hope you’re anxiety doesn’t occupy your life like mine does. The best to you .Happy 2017.
Eva, I am a 56 yrs old first time Glamma! I have three daughters..16,19,25. My Grandson Gabriel turned 1 this past October. Your mom is one of my all time favorite actresses and that’s what drew me to you. You and your beautiful family make me happy and your honesty is truly amazing. God Bless You Honey. Be Well.. Stay positive and do what you have to do to be healthy. Your children are adorable. I’ve been where you are and have survived. Love You!!
My son fell down a flight of stairs while my nanny had him. My other fell of one of those little bridges that bounce on a playground? When my husband showed up a few minutes later I had to excuse myself and weep in the bathroom. Neither time did anything big happen. They were fine.
I think your anxiety may be from another source–just motherhood. ? Before I was a mom, I was happy go lucky. Now, I worry about everything, all the time. I think it comes with territory of having your heart on the outside of your body, no protection, once you have kids.
I mean, I think it’s normal. It’s the way of things. I have often half-joked that baby years leave moms with PTSD for the rest of their lives. And it’s great that you’re addressing it. You don’t owe any explanation of why you didn’t immediately share that with the general public. It’s your heart. You’re doing a great job.
I couldn’t be happier for your baby, your family and especially you. I think your thoughts for the coming new year are right on point. No matter how hard we try, there are just some things we can’t control. To know and except this goes a really long way to inner happiness. I put things that I can’t control in a “drawer” and only open that “drawer” if I have something positive to help what us in there. If I have nothing, I just leave it closed. I hope 2017 is filled with happiness and well-being. Peace to you and yours.
I hope this post frees you of ANY guilt or shame you may harbor. Anyone–anyone who lays any blame at your feet should be ashamed of themselves. Cheers to a beautiful family, even more beautiful mom, and simple joys in 2017. You certainly deserve it! M
Beating ourselves up is what us Mom’s do best. But know in your heart second- guessing what happened doesn’t help you or your family. I too have had my share of thinking keeping my daughter in my own care would somehow keep her from harm and by and large it has been true. There was that one time though, when I fell asleep while nursing her and she fell off the bed! I was so scared and really beat myself up over that for weeks – months. Thankfully she suffered no long-term effects. In fact she’s a very lovely, bright high school freshman now! So all I want to say is I’m so happy to hear your son is ok and please don’t blame yourself for not holding him every second of everyday. It’s not good to hold them that tightly, they need to be able to trust others too. Take care.
Dear Eva, You are in no way to blame for this unfortunate accident, as I’m sure many have told you. But I understand perfectly how responsible we feel as mothers for every mishap that our children experience. As mothers our alarm systems are on overdrive as mother nature intended. But in your case the hormones have played a major part in throwing you into ultra anxiety. I understand this so well because I have gone through panic issues for quite some time. And like you I have had all those symptoms you are suffering. Mine was not because of a mishap happening to my children, but because my mother suffered a severe health crisis and consequently died. At the time my daughter was 2 or 3 and I felt entirely alone in caring for my mother and my young children. My husband was there physically but not so much emotionally. I suddenly had fears that something terrible was going to happen to someone else close to me. It was a feeling of constant impending doom. I would wake up in the middle of the night as if startled, my heart beating a mile a minute. I couldn’t eat, which is odd for me, as I’ve always liked eating and have had a hard time holding my weight down. But I suddenly could only eat a bite and then my throat closed and I couldn’t get another bite down. I would dread my husband leaving for work in the mornings as I already was trembling with almost constant anxiety. I wanted to hold on to him and beg him to stay home with me. My anxiety in the mornings was paralyzing. The worst part was that I was like a rat running in circles in a cage and I could see no way out. I felt it was a personal failing of mine for not being able to handle all the responsibility I felt I should have been able to handle and I felt tremendous guilt. I had no idea that I was in emotional trouble, I just knew I felt awful.
But I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Like you I finally got in touch with a mental health professional. This doctor recognized my symptoms and put me on an anti-depressant. The first one had side-effects I didn’t like and some anti-depressants will take a few weeks to work, so you are forced to wait for relief. But, long story short, I did find one that worked along with a long acting benzo. I only needed a very small amount of that to keep my anxiety under control. As the depression lightened so did my outlook on myself. I no longer felt the guilt for my “weakness.” After all, my expectations on myself to handle everything perfectly were extremely high and unrealistic. We are all human and everyone has a breaking point.
You will find that you will be able to let go, relax and become less demanding of yourself. It doesn’t take forever, it actually will only take a few weeks. I have a brother-in-law who is a mental health professional. He was not in my life back then, but knowing him now, he has explained that during a traumatic incident your neural pathways apparently default to the alarm/panic response which burn themselves into your brain. This causes a sort of feedback loop that leads you to anxiety and sense of doom that bad things are going to happen. But taking an anti-depressant seems to reset your neural pathways back to normal, and once you repeat the normal responses over and over, eventually your normal emotional responses become ingrained again. So some people can go off the medication.
I have since looked into my symptoms from that terrible time, and they all pretty much fit into the PTSD category. So not to worry that you are permanently damaged. You are not, and thanks to medication and behavioral therapy, you can be a full functioning, normal, effective, emotionally healthy mother and wife again.
All the best on your recovery. Take heart. You aren’t a bad person. You are a lovely person who has taken on more of a burden than most people have to and learned that like all the rest of us, you are human.
Sending you love from Sacramento. Your posts have brought a lot of joy in my life. You always responded to my comments, even though my own family doesn’t (lol). You have a great heart and a beautiful family. I wish you the best in this new year.
Love, Shahed.
Dear Eva,
I always tell my husband that regarding our kids, nature or nurture, it is all my fault. What a heavy weight for all of us to bear! So grateful Major is ok and praying that you can find the right tools to help you feel better. Life just happens. The struggle is real when you love so deeply!
xo Melinda
What an absolutely adorable baby!
After the first breastfeeding failure, why would you have a night nurse? That’s the most important time of day to nurse a baby for long-term success!
I empathize with you completely..when our Son was born I was as overprotective as could be.. so much so that it caused problems in my marriage…I taped foam rubber on every sharp corner, berated my wife over the slightest imagined unsafe action that I thought was a danger to our baby…we eventually had to go for counseling…he still got hurt at home in spite of my best efforts..I was an NYPD Officer at the time and responded to calls where young infants sustained injuries at home..I vividly remember going to a call where a young father had dropped an infant son down a flight of 40 stairs in a walk up tenement in the Bronx….luckily the baby was only bruised, but the Dad was inconsolable at the time…I did my best to try to comfort him and say that I had a son the same age and the baby would be fine..but what I had seen was my worst nightmare come true..I internalized it all and it nearly ruined my marriage…others would tell me that I was an overprotective Dad, but I knew that these terrible accidents do happen in real life…they weren’t imaginary…the strangest part was that I grew up in a family of 6 boys and we were always playing hard and getting stitches for something…but that doesn’t matter when it’s your own child..all I can tell you from experience is that infants are very resilient…for good reason..and they will turn out just fine in time..try not to torture yourself too much…it will hurt your marriage if you do…your children need you to be strong for them..you will get over this feeling of remorse eventually..I did..my son is now 15…I look back on those days and I still feel a bit queasy but I miss them terribly…PS…I met your Mom right after 9/11…she was volunteering down at the site serving up food and refreshments to us first responders…nice lady and we appreciated her service.
So glad to read your family is OK. I also experienced ups and downs in my breast milk supply due to stress (but ultimately made it to 19 months w/ girl #1 and 20 with girl #2). Some great foods to help your supply: oats/oatmeal, almonds & almond milk, dried apricots, quinoa/whole grains, and fun things like Whopppers, almond M&Ms and various recipes for latation cookies. Take care!
Honey all the jerks being mean probably drank and smoked during their pregnancy. Accidents happen and some are traumatic. You can’t rip your hair out, and grind your teeth. And there are people out there so jealous of you they’re gona jump on anything at your most vulnerable, and ride it as long as they can. I hope your baby boy suffers no after affects and continues to amaze
How strong of a woman, wife, and mother you are! I am SO glad your son is going to be ok. How scary! We are all human. You sound like a great mom and being a single mom myself of now 4 grown kids, I wish you and your family love, peace and joy now and always. Just always listen to your first instincts and heart.
I’m sorry to hear about your son. Please anyone with criticism save it until you can all walk on water! Eva my son is 22 very high IQ also sometimes a bit odd you would have to spend time with him to notice…what you notice right away are the scars on his face…scars from when he was 3 and left our home at 7am to cross the road to his grandmothers house…I was sleeping he was hit by a truck. By the grace of god he lived he suffered many injuries lost a kidney but the worst was the traumatic brain injury. Again he is very bright had good grades all through school however he has no filter so if he thinks your’re an ass he just says it that can be good and bad and sometimes amusing. I have PTSD and for the last 19 years carried the guilt of “how did I not hear him”. No one can judge me or hate me or torture me more than I have tortured myself as I am sure you have done through this. You are not alone. My heart goes out to you and your family.
How awful for you two! We have three little boys and the eldest broke his fibula at 9 months. It can prey on your mind but eventually gets erased by a myriad other events, 99.9% of them happy.
Warmly,
Mark
When my baby was less than 2 weeks old, I forgot to strap him in his stroller, and caught the stroller on the porch as it almost rolled down the porch stairs, when i turned to lock the front door. I was shaking when i realized my first time mom mistake of not buckling the baby in right away.
Most people will say get over it, it’s not a big deal, but it was really hard on me and i pictured him taking the 10 ft fall of the porch with his soft little skull, and it took me about a month to attempt to go anywhere on my own with him.. i was so scared to make a mistake and ever hurt him.
I’m 30 years old, married, work night shifts so that my son doesn’t have to go to daycare and my husband and i work opposite schedules without help.
That being said… I don’t think having a night nurse makes you any less of a mother, women… or human being in general. I think that mom guilt happens to us all and im so glad that your baby is okay. People will be hard on you, and you know what… that’s on them not you. When you put yourself out there you put yourself out there for everyone, and unfortunately some people think their way is the only way.
You do what you have to do to survive motherhood, because it is beautiful and great but it is hard. I’m sure someone somewhere is working 2 jobs as a single mother, overcoming the odds, and make my story of being a fulltime married mother seem like i can’t complain… but there’s always someone who has a more difficult struggle… that doesn’t mean your struggle isn’t real to you. Good luck to you and your family.
Hi Eva,
As a Mom of a little guy (who just turned 1 today!) I was so emotionally touched by this post. Firstly, I am SO relieved that Major is doing well. Secondly, being a Mom is such a raw emotional thing that cannot be explained to anyone who does not have children (biological or not.) You feel things physically when your child is hurt or even sad. Those post partum months are a roller coaster that send you through loops constantly. I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but I wanted to show love and support as a fellow Mom. You are doing a wonderful job, look at your children, they are happy and it’s because of you. Never forget that. Take time to take care of yourself, it is more important than I can express. Take care Eva. ?
-Molly
Oh Momma. My heart hurts for you. I hope your break fills you with calm and healing vibes. So happy to hear Major is okay!
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
So thankful that baby Major is okay. I cannot imagine what you must’ve gone through (and still struggle with) since his injury.
I have struggled with OCD since I was a child, and I have panic attacks and visions of my child falling or getting injured pop into my head and it paralyzes me.
I am praying for you and your sweet family. I hope that you can find peace. You are an incredible mama and are helping so many other women with your blog.
God bless and happy new year!
Hang in there mama, you’re doing a great job on a very long parenting road. xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing this. This past year I realized that my seemingly normal anxiety was not normal and went through a similar realization where I sought help. I think that what helped the most was recognizing the problem. In this post, you address your needs, fears, and hopes to change and that in itself will be the biggest help to you going forward. Additionally, I am SO thankful that Major is okay! Thank you again for being vulnerable and for sharing your life with your readers. I appreciate and look forward to all of your posts.
Wow !! You sure are a fantastic writer. I truly hope that you can forgive yourself and find inner peace. I think you have probably suffered enough and if you can come to realize maybe just maybe there’s no real ryme or reason for why some things happen you can go on with your life and enjoy your beautiful family. Best wishes to you. Peace & Love
I hung on to every word of this post and it made me realize that I’m still struggling more than I’d like to admit after my miscarriage and prompted me to write a post of my own. http://www.natsnextadventure.com/how-one-blogger-made-me-realize-i-was-lying-to-myself
Also, my daughter fell off the bed at four months, on MY (not a night nurse’s) watch and it was traumatizing. It happens. It does NOT make you a bad mother, only a stronger one.
Thank you for sharing your life and your feelings with all of us. The work you’re doing is important. Keep it up!
Your story just brought tears to my eyes. What a stressful and frightening few weeks you and your family have had. I sincerely hope that Major is okay (and YOU!), and I wish you all the best in 2017. Thank you for sharing!
One Love! Be real, be intentional, but most of all know that you and your family are loved!!!!! Thanks for sharing Eva! Honestly could have happened to anyone. So happy Major is doing well! All the best in 2017! Love From The Moody’s, Charleston family!
I just wanted to let you know that, from one mother to another, you are doing a great job!!! Thank you for being so brave to be able to share you deepest vulnerabilities. I almost lost my son in a traumatic experience, so I can completely relate to what you have been through emotionally. I was forever changed, not all in good ways as I became very anxious, but I like to think that I changed for the better in some ways as well!! Keep your head held high, for your openness in your wellingness to share, has made many moms feel not so alone.
Sending positive and healing vibes. What an unimaginably hard thing to go through. I fell down the stairs with my son (he is fine- phew) but relived the trauma for many, many months. Take care of yourself; take it easy on yourself. You are obviously full of love for your children. Accidents sometimes happen but appreciating the physical miraculous healing that occurs is a big step in mental healing. Best wishes for a healthy and happy 2017!
I am so sorry for your family’s pain – both physical and emotional – and your continuing struggle for parental ‘normalcy.’ I truly hope for peace for you and your family in the coming year, and hope you are able to find some helpful coping mechanisms to get the most enjoyment from mommyhood. Best of luck and thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry for all you are going through. I am so empathetic of your anxiety. My third child just turned 4 months and my anxiety for him and his two brothers definitely overwhelms me at times. We love our children so deeply and the scariest thing is how much in the world is beyond our control. Sometimes just watching them, what they are doing and what is going on in the room can make me so anxious. I think its great that you recognize your anxiety and are talking to a professional about these things. It’s true a mother needs to take care of herself first to really be the best version of herself for her family. Best wishes to you and may all good things come your way in 2017.
Hi Eva,
I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to go through something so traumatic. It’s such a blessing that your son is well and thriving. I recently went through something in my life that was extremely traumatic. Granted I had grieving tied in with the trauma, but I went through some therapy that helped me process the trauma. It’s called Eye Movement Desensitizantion Reprocessing (EMDR). This form of therapy helps the brain process the trauma. I just thought that I would suggest it to you. I hope you find a process that will help with your healing.
Dear Eva.
I’m usually not compelled to write in comments, but I do follow you here and there on your social media. I’ve always loved your open an honest way about hard or embarassing topics. That is very refreshing in a genre filled with smoke and mirrors. You come at situations with humour and wit. I’ve enjoyed following you.
In recent, I have noticed you become more apologetic for your choices and you were missing a bit of the gusto I’m used to. Usually the trolls don’t get to you, but I could see they were lately. Who cares that you advertise on your blog! Who cares you had a night nurse! Who cares you keep you studio at home for just you so you can work! You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Certainly not the trolls!
Sometimes people get resentful or bitter seeing what they perceive as a ‘perfect’ life. As someone who has been fortunate financially, but unfortunate with losing people I love and other traumas, I have experienced this first hand. I sometimes don’t get the empathy I need as people are just looking at the materialistic side of my life. It’s been a struggle my entire life. I would do anything to have my Mommy hug me again. People who are miserable or unhappy in life like to spread the negativity. See, if someone is bad for you IRL, you just distance yourself from them, but on here, it’s much harder. As you are probably finding out, social media can be very fantastic with lifting you up, but also very brutal at bringing you down. .
As a Mom, I want to say something that came to mind right away. I bet, the odds of Major dropping in your arms (an overtired Mommy navigating multiple small children) is actually higher! I know that probably doesn’t help. However, it must be a thing because in Canada they don’t let you sleep in bed with the newborns after having them in hospitals. I think there were too many of these types of accidents. So, see! It has nothing to do with having a night nurse or that it happened while you were getting some sleep. Moms need help to be better parents. It’s ok to have help and accept help. Guilt is a hard thing to shake as a Mom, but it helps once you do. So, truly, just view it as an accident. It could have been your Mom, yourself, a friend, your husband’s parents or a sitter. It happens. I know numerous kids who have smashed their heads in their parent’s care or someone else. Ours smashed her head on concrete while running from us at age 16 months. My 90 year old Grandparents watched in horror. I though – oh great! They think we are shit parents now 😉
You sound extremely self aware and that’s the first step! You know are experiencing PTSD like symptoms/anxiety and you are going to seek some help. It will get better and you will see the light. Taking a break from here is a good thing while you focus solely on your well being and your family’s well being. Great call! That means you are an excellent Mommy 🙂
Peace to you and your lovely family.
xo
Thank you for sharing your experience. Its incredibly humbling and a great reminder of how human we all really are. Your inner voice is heard loud and clear and your conviction can be felt all the way out here. I’ll say a prayer tonight for your little angel and for your family of 4 🙂 thank God you guys have each other and that brighter days are ahead.
I am so sorry this happened to your little guy. I am a nurse, I dropped my baby out of my arms one night during a feeding session. It was an accident but I have never totally forgiven myself. We were lucky because he did not get hurt, he landed on an LL Bean tote bag that had blankets in it. I know I was sleep deprived, I fell asleep while holding him. After that I gave in and we co-sleep together out of pure exhaustion. My baby also had colic, it started at 6 weeks and lasted until 7 months, I don’t have help, my husband travels for work. He will turn 2 in a few days. He now sleeps alone in his crib. Somehow you will work through this. Thank you for sharing your experience. No one is perfect, accidents happen. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
So sorry this happened to your family, and so glad your son is ok! Your honesty and sharing what happened is something I don’t think I could do! Take time for yourself in getting to where you need to be! Don’t listen to those who will pass judgement, they have nothing better to do! Good luck!
Dear Eva,
I sit here rocking my youngest, my baby boy, to sleep, and reading your blog, and I can’t help but wish you could here my voice from one mom to another. I’d tell you that you have so bravely taken the first steps towards healing by acknowledging your struggles and being honest with yourself and (so bravely) with others as well. I went through several traumatic incidents while I was pregnant with my son and right after he was born. They were not the same as yours, but they involved the health of several family members and a health scare of my own–all of which left me in a constant state of panic, anxiety, worry, and general depression. This was all so confusing to me since I have a wonderful life, a wonderful family, a supportive husband, and two beautiful healthy children. Once everyone turned out fine and was on the mend, I couldn’t understand why I still felt so unusual and panicky all the time. Like you, I tried to overcome it by myself, but it didn’t work and I wound up feeling worse–beating myself up for not being able to pull myself out. It was a very strange time. I was normally so happy and carefree and I had turned into the opposite. I finally sought the help of a very good therapist (the first one I saw was not helpful, so I sought out a specialist in PPD, PTSD, panic disorders, and women). This helped me on the right path for me. That was important too. Not everybody’s path to healing is the same. So don’t judge yourself for anything. I am happy to say that I am back to my normal self, and when that anxiety starts to creep up, as it will, I now know how to push it away and move on a lot faster. I’m sharing this small snippet of my story with you and your readers in hopes that you will read it and know that you are not alone in your feelings. Hormones also have amazing powers, as we all know, and cannot be underestimated. I admire you for your honesty and openness. I hope you find your path to healing and start to feel more like yourself again. Good luck mama!
PS It is also wonderful to here that Major is doing well!
XO from a fellow mom
I am saddened that you had to go through this ordeal with your family. I am So very happy your little one has recovered from his injuries. As a mother myself I understand how hard it is to see your child and not be able to fix what is going wrong. As you work through this I hope that you can forgive the caregiver, as (I assume) they too have a hard time coming to terms with their role in this tragedy. I am happy you have come far enough to start talking more about your situation, surely it will help someone and hopefully prevent someone from going through the same thing. You can concur this! I hope your whole family can help you move on, it seems you have the perfect man by your side, and I am sure you have other great people right there for you too.
Oh and any one who might put a parent down for having someone there to help as a night nurse is not worth listening to, and probably has never gone through being a parent to a baby. Love, Peace, and Happiness to your family.?
I was sorry to hear of your harrowing experience with your darling little son. No parent should have to experience seeing their child in pain. My heart goes out to you and your family for what you went through. The reason I am writing is I fell in the bathtub and have a brain injury. Amen Clinics takes a SPECT scan of your brain, a 3D image of the brain. If he has head pain, depression, anxiety, or any other unusual symptoms he can get help to cope and get better. You can read Dr. Daniel Amen’s books on brain health. He has clinics on the East coast and West coast. I wish your little boy the very best.
Hi Eva,
I’m so sorry that this horrible accident happened to your family. Your honesty is beautiful and brave.
Eva,
As a mom of 4, my heart goes out to you. I remember being completely exhausted with my first child and yes I did have Depression after I delivered her too. Horrible c section and cholic just wasn’t how I envisioned starting motherhood. I would have killed to have a night nurse, but thankfully I had the support of family so that worked for me. However, telling you this isn’t the reason for my post.
My husband broke his neck 8 years ago, 8 days after his 2nd neck surgery the ambulance medic dropped him on his head. Long story short, we were military, and I knew the medic very well. We trained together. I can assure you my anger in that moment is nothing compared to the guilt she put upon herself. I had two choices, be bitter or forgive. I saw her daily at the hospital with my husband and the anxiety was all over her face at the mere sight of us. Her actions were truly an honest accident that didn’t deserve a life sentence. The best decision I made was to give her the biggest hug and forgive her. It was crucial for my healing as well, although I didn’t realize it at the time.
The moral in sharing my story with you is please don’t beat yourself up. You are human and made the best decision for your family. But also please realize your night nurse is human too. I’m sure after having her mistake being publicly blasted she harbors an immeasurable amount of guilt and embarrassment. Your son will heal and has continued to. The nurse doesn’t deserve a life sentence for this. And yes, my husband is still paralyzed from the chest down 8 years later. I hope you will learn to forgive yourself too. Life is too short sweetheart.
With kindness,
Stacy
Hi Eva, I understand your guilt and fears. My husband dropped our daughter when she was 3 mos old. I was outside teaching our 5 yr old how to ride her new bike in a cul de sac with a helmet on her head. How many times have I asked myself what could have been if I had only stayed in the house? My baby was asleep in her crib one minute, and on a ventilator the next. She is now 11 yrs old. She has seizures and does not walk or talk. But, she is alive. I still struggle, but, you are Not to blame. Be thankful your beautiful boy will be o.k. I will be praying for you and your beautiful family.
Dear Eva,
I wanted to express my support for you as a mother, especially after the birth of your son. I struggled with panic attacks after the birth of both of my children, now 15 and 13 years of age.
I received help through therapy and medication. I do believe that lack of sleep contributed to some of the anxiety along with hormonal changes. It was a difficult and frustrating time for me. I just wanted you to know that it is vital that you let go of any guilt you may be experiencing. Take care of yourself so that you can care for those who are nearest and dearest to you. I hope that this new year brings you joy, wisdom, and confidence to move forward.
Dearest Eva,
You are a wonderful mom! You will get through this and your children will bring your heart to its fullest over and over. What you are going through is normal. Having babies is the most wonderful gift in the world and you are blessed to be surrounded by so much love. We all go through a lot (l have three boys and a husband too!) and we get through it. It is not an easy road, but when it is sweet it is the sweetest! Please put your energy into healing. To be able to take care of your family you have to take care of yourself. Please let go of any kind of blame. It was an accident. It could happen to anyone and thank God your little Major is perfect! Your baby girl too! You live in a house that is full of love. You are a young mommy…..You have a husband that completely loves and believes in you! Give yourself room to grow and learn from each new day and experience. Having children brings infinite amounts of love, perspective and patience! Remember the same applies to you too. I dearly wish you the sweetest, the healthiest and happiest wishes to you and all of your beautiful hearts!
Sending this with love!
Elise
…Hi from Australia.. youve probably heard every bit of advice so far.. for one I’m not going to tell how to live or judge you or your partner at all.. every family is different and we go through things.. some are downright scary things that shouldn’t happen to anyone.. kids especially… i know where you’re coming from.. where its easier to feel and think the negative and anxiety.. its a superhuman effort to try and not think negative.. I get by by believing each day its ok to be normal.
Do i panic? Of course i do.. i focus on my little girls smile(she’s 3) that small thing just brightens my day immeasurably..
Enjoy your 2017 with your family..☺..
Youll get there a day at a time..
Reading this I could feel your pain and completely understand all your emotions. Since I was 16 yrs old I have suffered from depression and severe anxiety. I have always figured out ways to control it until I just couldn’t anymore. I finally gave in and talk to someone and was subscribed medication which helps. That along with lots of prayer, exercise and lots of positivity has brought me back to life. Some days are a challenge but I never give up. My prayers and thoughts of positivity are sent your way. You will get through this! Stay strong. Xoxo
Eva,
How honest of you in a culture where celebrity mamas are glamorous and totally together instantly after birth. The openness is important and appreciated. I wasn’t going to comment, but if you happen to see this, please re-read your Major’s birth story. Maybe you have, but if not, you have been knocked around a lot since he was born. Go back and remember how strong and empowered you were. It was a beautiful story, and I didn’t even live it! You conveyed that feeling that the universe is just right that can happen after a magical birth experience. Maybe you can use it to help get back to center in all this tumult. Best wishes to you for peace, harmony, and healing.
Regards,
Andrea
Well, there goes my fantasy of having a night nurse. I’m so, so glad your baby is okay. You will be too.
When my son was about 5 or 6 months old, I left him on a high changing table and turned my back for a split second to retrieve a diaper I should have already hand in my hand. He did what babies do and rolled off, plummeting towards the hardwood floor. As luck would have it, our small dog walked right under the changing table at the very moment my son was falling and he landed on a fat chihuahua instead of a hard floor. I turned in time to watch my baby bounce gently off the dog and happily begin to crawl away, his plan perfectly executed and achieved. My poor dog on the other hand let out a terrible yelp and walked with a limp for a few days.
I felt like the world’s worst mother and dog owner for a long time after. My son is four now and he and the dog seem to have forgotten all about it. I have not forgotten, but I no longer want to self flagellate every time I think about it so there’s hope for you too! Happy New Year!
Hi
Today is the first time I’ve read or even known about you but something in your story really struck a chord with me. Your anxiety at situations you’ve faced recently reminded me of the trouble I faced when my daughter was a newborn. My problem was much different as it stemmed from domestic violence with my former partner, however your description of the emotions, symptoms including racing heart made me want to reach out and ask you to seek help for future Major’s sake.
It wasn’t until recently that I learned that the stress and anxiety that I was subjected to whilst pregnant & when my daughter was tiny was transferred to her through my racing heart. I didn’t know then that she picked up on my racing heart which internally made her stressed during pregnancy and after. At 11YO she now suffers from severe anxiety disorder from the trauma she witnessed and felt through me during this time. She suffers greatly in relationships with others and in particular, men.
Luckily for us we are working together as a family with a fantastic child psychologist where she’s learning to develop her coping skills, and re-learning things she missed as a result of the trauma.
I wish you all the best and hope you get well soon A. x
I normally don’t read blogs..of any kind…but I was touched at the sincerity of your words and your feelings of helplessness. So I just wanted to add a happy little ending story.
My aunt, after many years of infertility, finally gave birth to a beautiful, healthy son. When he was 3 months old, she was walking outside to put him into the car. It was extremely slick and icy and, despite her being careful, she dropped him on an ice covered, concrete sidewalk.
He was in the hospital for 2 weeks with some significant brain swelling and bleed. He stopped breathing 3 times and she was a wreck….as was her husband and family, but she felt the guilt.
Fast forward 37 years. The little boy who was so ill is now a father of a small baby, of course, this is after he received his PhD from a major university. After that initial fall, it was his mother who suffered..not him…babies are remarkably awesome!
Your guilt and pain is nothing more than a responsible, loving mother who would walk through fire to save their child. Think of it as being an absolute reassurance that you are doing what nature intended. Too many children have totally crappy parents who don’t care. As a mother, there’s not supposed to be too much.
I’m a mom of 3 sons who have broken, eaten, and inserted more objects than you would think possible! Drink a little wine……and remember you’re awesome. The next time your son decides to show you how he can jump out of a 12 ft tree onto broken branches- you’ll be an old hand!
Love!
You have such a beautiful family and you are a brave and inspiring woman. Be strong and you will find your way.
You have been through too much trauma in such a short time. Please give yourself plenty of compassion. I pretend I have a river flowing through me and you can toss that tape in your head of Major’s accident into the river. If you are like me, you will have to throw that memory into the river over and ove. I also breathe deeply and in my head I tell myself “it is going to be ok”. After three months of this and support from a yogi, I am getting better? I know you will heal too! Thank you for sharing your story!
Such a traumatic incident. It would leave an emotional/psychological impact on anyone. It is very hard for us to rationalize life when events happen to us that we have no control over. We naturally try to go over and analyze what we could have done differently to have avoided the incident, especially when it happens to a loved one as innocent and needy as a newborn. A panic can reoccur each time something reminds us of the incidence, which seems to be a natural reaction because we don’t want the incident to happen again and the panicked response is an alert mechanism in the brain to pay extra close attention to what is going on. Anything associated with that incident you may rightly or wrongly label as the cause of the incident. Your desire not to let anyone take care of your baby, or trust them, is your need to protect him from danger associated with his previous head injury because you associate letting others take care of him as the causation of the traumatic event. It sounds like you are doing a great job trying to work out how to approach dealing with your emotions and make good decisions for your family.
I also fell asleep holding my son, our second child, when he was six weeks old. He rolled off my arm from the rocking chair, hitting a tile floor. He was uninjured after a check up at the ER. He is now a beautiful 7 year old boy. LOve youself, and know we all have things happen, even us mamas. Being a mom is tough, but these kids are resilient and tougher than us. So glad he is ok
Dear Eva,
As was said, thank you for your incredibly truthful and honest post. I am currently struggling to understand the recent death of a 27-year-old friend, who suffered in absolute silence until he decided he could no longer cope. I kept thinking of him and how, if he had seen your courage in writing what you did, he might have reached out for help. He couldn’t find that courage, and we mourn his loss…
Courage is knowing there is fear, yet doing what needs to be done anyway. I commend you not just for your truth, but for the courage to write the words, and bring them out into the light of day.
I wish you peace and serenity. You are on the right path…
With respect, Saskia
I like your writing and you are certainly brave to share your story. Being a mom is hard. Imagine not having any money and doing it!…forget night help sweetie.
Eva,
You are one brave mama for sharing your story, so that in and of itself is an accomplishment! As moms we do a really great job at sharing all the amazing things our children do and how great they are, but rarely do we talk about our own mistakes, challenges and accidents (we all have them!)
It is also ridiculous to me that you are being judged in any way shape of form for having help post partum. A new baby is a challenge and that challenge with a toddler is intensified. After the birth of my daughter, my midwife reminded that ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ which I really took to heart. If you are fortunate enough to have help and support, whether it be from a night nurse, friends or family it is so important to take it to recharge and be the best mom you can be. I know not everyone shares that opinion but I truly believe you have to be your best self to be the best mom – everyone needs something different to recharge so I’m glad to hear you are slowly regaining your trust in others with Major, it will be so important as you take this time for you.
I don’t doubt you are a wonderful mother, wife and friend based on everything you share on your blog and I am lending you all the support in the world as you focus on you and your family. All the best in 2017 xo
Eva,
You are so brave to share such a traumatic event that you could have left untold.
My daughter (who is a healthy, active, and smart toddler now) had a bad fall onto hardwood floor and hit her head when she was nine months old. Although I wasn’t directly responsible, I blamed myself. I can still hear the sound. I was already an anxious person, but since then, my anxiety has been heightened and I’ve wondered about PTSD because of flashbacks. With time and recently beginning counseling, I’m getting better. Although now that I think about it, she’s never spent a night away from me and I don’t foresee it happening anytime soon.
Reading the headline of this story on people.com immediately made me feel anxious and a knot in my stomach, but I was SO genuinely thankful to read that Major is okay and reaching milestones. I remember obsessing over those details.
Your post has given me perspective and hope for 2017 and reminded me to take nothing for granted, especially second chances. I wish you and your family peace, love, and good health in this new year. I said an extra prayer of praise for your son’s remarkable recovery and a prayer for his continued health and development as well as yours. Take care. P.S. The photos are gorgeous. Your family is beautiful.
I found your blog from Holton’s Heroes. And after reading your story I knew I had to leave a comment. It was August of last year. I had just given birth to my beautiful angel almost 2 months earlier. My mother had returned from a long, emotional trip. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and we were fighting it but there was a long road ahead of us. So, she was excited to see her granddaughter and get some snuggles in. She took my daughter and like every other day, went down the stairs. In all the excitement of her coming home, her dogs took off down the stairs and took out her legs. My 2 month old rolled down a half a flight of stairs! She busted her mouth and blood was pouring onto her outfit. I screamed, my mom screamed. We checked for broken bones and calmed her down. We took her to our local ER who then transferred her to a children’s hospital. It was the most awful day of my life. She had a fractured skull and a brain bleed behind her left eye. They said she’d be ok and that it did happen more often than you’d think. The way you describe how you go back to that moment in time whenever you are near high surfaces is so on point. It took me a long time to be ok with even holding my girl over a hard floor. Let alone letting anyone else hold her. We visited my grandfather and he held my daughter. Instead of treasuring the moment of them meeting, I was a nervous wreck because I was afraid she would fall again. It was the only time he held her as he died in September of that year. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in your fears and it does get better. She’s 1.5 now and falls all the time. Hits to her head don’t send me into a panic much anymore unless it’s a big hit. And she’s become very resilient to falls. Hang in there.
I’m just so sorry for everything you are going through. I KNOW you will find the exact right support that you need. I’m certain that you will feel above water soon. I’m very familiar with those “apocalyptic thoughts” that can just charge in at any moment. One thing (of many) that has helped me when I’m dealing with trauma is to literally practice staying present. Say outloud (or to yourself) “I am standing here, the grass is green, I feel the wind blowing, my shirt is blue, I smell bbq in the air.” Literally speak what is right in front of you ( what you can see, physically feel, hear, taste,etc) every single time you find your mind struggling. This helps to pull me out of my inner dialogue and overwhelming emotions. It creates new paths in your brain and allows for relief. Those apocalyptic thoughts are not intuition. They are not wisdom. They ARE common. And that pattern of thought CAN be released. I KNOW you are already balanced, whole and complete and I look forward to reading about your new found awareness of that truth as you realize it. xo
I am so happy to hear everything is ok with Major. You’re honesty is refreshing and inspiring. Please take the time you need, we will be here once you are ready to get back to blogging.
Thank you, a fellow mom,
Anna
When my oldest son was 3, he almost drowned in a friend’s pool (after several weeks of swimming lessons). I ran outside and found him in the water, trying to swim but his head just below the surface. I jumped in and carried him out. Luckily we found him soon enough that he hadn’t gotten any water in his lungs.
I dealt with the guilt, fear, depression, and embarrassment for months. For the first several days, I saw him under water every time I closed my eyes. That intensity eventually faded. But it took a very long time to feel completely normal again. Even without post-partum depression, it can take a long time to heal. You’re doing a great job sharing it. That will help you and others going through similar issues.
My son is now 11 and will probably join a competive swim team this year. Sometimes just keeping our fragile kids alive is the only job of the day. I remember thinking that several times when they were tiny.
Bless your family and know that God knows what has been going on in your life and helps you cope everyday with your anxiety (that can cripple you). He wants the best for your family and you. Start talking to Him as a friend so you can receive the blessings He has for you.
I know it doesn’t seem He has been there….but he has been. Give it to God so he can fix it and give it back to you. Free from crippling fear. God and I love you. ❤?bless you and your family.
You’re a beautiful mommy and you have a beautiful family. Don’t ever forget how much God has blessed you and will continue to do so.
Warm regards,
Catherine Greene
Boy, Eva, do I ever understand how you feel. As my mum told me when I had my twin girls 2.5 years ago, “The baby comes out and the guilt rushes in.” I constantly worry that I’m not feeding them enough protein, that I’m not patient enough, that they should be drinking more milk…the list goes on. I think about my girls every moment of every day and how I could/should be doing more, being more, and what I should’ve done and didn’t in the past. It is so overwhelming, isn’t it? Thank goodness we have those beautiful, heart-warming moments too. Like when one of my littles told me yesterday, as I was surreptitiously placing little kisses on her back while she played in front of me, “Mummy, that is enough for today. Try again tomorrow.” Little goof! Wishing you all the best.
I’m happy your baby is okay. Babies fall all the time. Accidents happen. They are resilient little people. Was this a registered nurse? Or your nannny?
I love your blog, your writing resonates with me. Sometimes life throws rocks at us, it was not your fault. Keep writing, you have a talent.
Thank you for sharing! And forget all the negative comments! No one can say they are a perfect parent. No one. I am a working mother of one. I had my daughter at 40, which made me ever the more grateful. I was so overwhelmed with excitement and joy but when I went back to work, we employed a nanny instead of daycare thinking it was a better option. However, when my daughter was learning to walk, she took a horrible tumble running with a walker on concrete outside with our nanny – blood and scratches to her face and nose; truly bad fall. I rushed home from work and was so overcome with guilt. To this day, I still get upset. It was an accident and can happen to ANYONE. Wishing you a great 2017. Thank you again for sharing.
Keep doing you girl! I only just discovered your blog, but it’s obvious you know yourself and you know you need the time to take care of yourself and your family. It’s really hard to admit when you need a break and even harder sometimes to take that time. I only have one child, about Marlowe’s age and I NEVER get a break, so you do what you need to do to heal. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and look forward to the next installment. 🙂 Peace and love.
I read about your experience on Scary Mommy and came to your blog to read the full story. I just wanted to say way to go for doing what you need to do to get yourself healthy again. It’s a hard first step to recognize what’s happening and then to decide to do something about it. I have struggled twice since my daughter’s birth (first time two weeks post birth with PPD, the second time late this summer after some major life changes including a big move) and am extremely thankful for family and friends, and especially my husband, who have been understanding and supportive through my journey. It’s hard, but it gets better one day at a time as we seek help to get ourselves back – for us and for our loved ones.
I can’t even imagine how scary it must have felt to go through that. Thank goodness Major is ok and he and your family are healing. It took a lot of guts just to share this. I hope 2017 brings you joy and peace. Thank you for being an inspirational mama!
Eva,
My heart broke for you reading your post. As a mom of 2 little ones and another on the way, I cannot even fathom the pain and fear that you must have endured after that incident. The cries alone are haunting and something that no mom wants to hear.
The fact that you shared that with the world, took so much guts and strength. We are not perfect and no mother is perfect even though we try so hard to be. We all make mistakes and wish that we to could have a night nurse to give us a break! You are doing what is best for your family and that’s all that matters. You need to explain yourself to no one.
I definitely agree that talking to someone would be most beneficial to you and your recovery. You have been through something so traumatic and daunting it is to be expected that you need a little help getting back on track.
As mother’s we want nothing but the best for our kids and when that doesn’t go our way, it’s one of hardest things to accept.
Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can get past this trauma and enjoy 2017.
God bless you and your family.
Thank you for your openness and rawness to show the world that perfection can never and will never be reached.
With love and admiration,
Sarah
So glad to hear his ok and that everyone is well. I know is hard for you not to feel guilty. That actually happened to me with my first baby, she was only a couple of weeks old. I was exhausted, and I just fell as sleep with her on my chest. Luckily she was ok but I would never forget that night and the ones that follow. Hope you feel well soon, take your time. Your baby, your family need a deserved a happy and healthy mom/wife.
Hey just want you to know I’m praying for your family. I suffer from post partum. I will never tell someone I understand what they are going through because honestly there’s no way for me to really be in your shoes. My daughter had 4 seizures in a row when she was 3 months old and I picked her up because I thought she was choking…looking at her and realizing I can’t do anything. That was so heart breaking. Alot of us especially mom’s think we have so much control..but we can’t play God. It’s the worst feeling knowing there’s nothing you can do. Through praying,medication, and being completely transparent to people I have almost overcome my post partum. I’m slowly getting off the medication and getting my life back. I will say that lack of sleep will make you nuts. Same with not eating. I support you. I’m proud of you. And gosh I pray for that nurse too because I can imagine that her life is not going so easy right now. I love your take on forgiveness. That’s what it’s about. Love and forgiveness. So glad major is okay. You too will soon be okay. The Lord gave mom’s superpowers to overcome the impossible. Your strong and capable ! Happy New year !!
Hi Eva. First, I would like to say that you are brave for coming forward with all of these raw emotions and feelings. It isn’t easy to openly admit some of the things you are going through. Second, I am not a follower of you, and I am not sure how busy your life is these days to explain the need for a night nurse. That seems to be something reserved for royalty, really really famous people (who cannot be bothered to be sleep deprived like the rest of us), or the very wealthy for same reason as stated above. I am a really busy working mom (attorney), but did not have the funds to hire a night nurse for my kids (4 and 7). I did it the ‘old fashion way’ of sharing the duty with my husband, and managing to get up and go to court or see clients without once canceling because I was too tired. I totally get your feelings and PTS from the incident, but my bigger question is why you are not the one providing care during the middle of the night? It is a rhetorical question, and maybe I am just envious that I did it the hard way and was not fresh and beautiful each day I had to work. Yes, possibly this could have happened if you were the one with him that night, but no one (generally) cares for their child like the mother does because you have much more invested in your child. I hope you recover soon from the emotional trauma you experience because it sounds like you will need to trust others again with the lifestyle you lead; or perhaps you will reflect on the lifestyle and chose to do as you mention, clean your plate a little bit so you are more available to be with your kids. Parenthood is in itself a job, even if our government does not acknowledge it. Best wishes for you in 2017, and your journey through parenthood.
This is an amazingly authentic post. And so refreshing. My son fell off the counter when he was 5 months. Depressed skull fracture. It was the scariest experience I had ever gone through. It was 100% an accident but nonetheless we blamed ourselves and laced ourselves with guilt. He was our 3rd. Surely by this point we wouldn’t make mistakes? After several days at Sick Kids under the care of an amazing neurological team and we got to go home. Fast forward 10 years later and he’s the most amazing young boy who lights up our every day. I think of that night often. We learned a lot about ourselves as parents and just plain old humans who aren’t perfect. Thank you for sharing your story and glad to hear you are all slowly recovering as a family xo
This is an amazingly authentic post. And so refreshing. My son fell off the counter when he was 5 months. Depressed skull fracture. It was the scariest experience I had ever gone through. It was 100% an accident but nonetheless we blamed ourselves and laced ourselves with guilt. He was our 3rd. Surely by this point we wouldn’t make mistakes? After several days at Sick Kids under the care of an amazing neurological team and we got to go home. Fast forward 10 years later and he’s the most amazing young boy who lights up our every day. I think of that night often. We learned a lot about ourselves as parents and just plain old humans who aren’t perfect. Thank you for sharing your story and glad to hear you are all slowly recovering as a family xo
Oh Eva… I am in tears reading this. Our daycare provider either dropped or let my son fall when he was four months old. We are still unsure of exactly what happened. He too got a head injury, not sure if his skull ever cracked or he had any bleeding – we chose not to put him through X-rays as he was showing no signs of major injury or concussion and treatment would be the same. Those first days were a nightmare. The trauma is still with me and I think it always will be. It took me 2 years to get through a day without thinking about it and crying. I still feel tremendous guilt for leaving him with this caregiver – we never took him back to her, I just feel the guilt for choosing her in the first place. I felt that it ruined the infant experience for me and now I am fearful to leave my kids with anyone, and the smallest injuries make us panic. I am so sorry you are going through this. We do our best as parents but things still happen even when you think you are doing everything right. I hope you can find some inner peace.
I never post on websites, but I felt compelled to send you love and light during this New Years season!! I hope that you and sweet Major are healing after your traumatic event ❤ Thank you for your honesty and bravery in the face of negativity and judgment, it means a lot to me! xoxo
I totally understand the feelings you are going through. At 6 weeks old we discovered that my daughter had a fracture on the right side of her skull, it was a very traumatic birth, and to this day I still feel guilty. But there was nothing I did wrong, nothing I could do differently. I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety due to this and every time I heard a whimper I sprang to her as fast as I could. She will be 14 months in 5 days and you would never know she went through that. I on the other hand still deal with the thoughts of anxiety and stress it brought to my family occasionally. It sounds as if he is doing well and the feelings/anxiety will lessen as time goes on. But it is hard…. do not beat yourself up over it, soon enough he will be that crazy rambunctious toddler and will be getting into so many things and getting bumps and bruises.
Keep your head up momma, you are doing great!!!!! 🙂
Oh my gosh. What a harrowing experience for you. Please take care of yourself after such a shock. I am so happy to hear that Major is fine. Some things, even when they turn out just fine, change us forever more as parents. Because moms and dads realize now that the stake are so high.
I wish you time and help and peace to absorb this and move gently forward. You and your family will be fine, I’m sure. With care and love.
From another mom. ❤
Please take care of yourself, let go and seek help and most of all, joy. Look for joy every day and work your way back. Motherhood fears will always exist, even when they are grown adults, so cut yourself some slack and heal.
My deepest and sincerest prayers to you and your family. As a mother I can begin to imagine all the emotions that you are going through. I know for myself my children mean more time me then my own life.
I hope that you get through this and come out stronger for you and your family. Much love to you
Hey Eva! You probably won’t see this comment and I understand you are very busy. Just want to say I understand your anxiety and as a sufferer of 15 years of the darn thing, paying attention to your feelings is the best thing you can do. Stay strong, ignore the haters, you are a great mom and an inspiration to many including me 🙂
Wishing you & your family a happy new year ahead. I hope that with time & help/exercise/therapy, you start to feel better soon. Glad to hear your son is doing fine now. Your honesty was very brave. Please don’t listen to the haters or the mommy shamers. It may seem so easy for others to comment negatively, especially when they really have no idea what you & your family have been through. Do your best not to listen to the noise and focus on great things ahead. Wishing you the best.
Oh my heart hurt for you reading this. Every mom can feel your pain, thank you for sharing it. and Thank goodness everything is ok. Hopefully each day will get easier and the bad memories will fade.
Sending you love
If you need negative attention, go talk to yourself. You are depressing to read about. You have nothing happy and/or joyful to share. Damn human babysitter dropped your baby while you slept. I would think you may have help prevent the incident by taking carte of your own child from the beginning instead of hiring a nanny. Now I think it could have happened to you while holding him, but I can’t imagine the “harm” that would have caused you. There is so much more to talk about in life then your reaction to an accident OVER and OVER and OVER.
I’m new to your blog but read the post above and thought I would offer a suggestion that may be helpful. Jane McGonigal has done a lot of research on the effects of games and there is pursuasive support on Tetris treating PTSD. I know that might sound odd, but I encourage you to check it out as it may help you deal with the scary recent events in your life. Just google Jane McGonigal and Tetris and you will find lots of details. Best wishes to you and you family.
You’re such an inspiration! I have so much respect for sharing this story! Take care of yourself and your family and we will all be here when you get back! LOVE YOU ALL! Thanks for always keeping it real.
Thanks for sharing your harrowing experience, as I’m sure it will inspire many parents to release their own judgment of themselves when things go wrong (something always will.) My daughter had ocular cellulitis and I didn’t know the signs. She could have had brain damage. I could have acted sooner. Four days in the hospital were the worst of my life. I don’t have to describe the horrors of having your child prodded and woken up for vitals (or by other babies cries) because I know you’ve been there.
Today, shes’s 7 and is a real warrior. I still get choked up about it. I’m pretty sure I love her more tenderly and appreciate her more each day because of it. So, there’s a silver lining.
You are a wonderful mom. Say it out loud (self talk is powerful).
Wishing you the very best in the days ahead because you deserve it (as does your beautiful family).
Hi Eva,
I am so very sorry that this happened to you and your family. I am so grateful that Major is okay!
Love to all,
Allye.
What I am hearing from this is an awesome mother who cares so deeply about her children and she is traumatized by a tragic incident. This is what it means to be a mother, we have our hearts running around outside of our bodies, and the thought of them coming to harm is terrifying. I applaud you for being honest and having such love for your children, I hope you can get through this trauma. ❤️
Hi Eva,
A friend shared your blog with me because she knew I would relate. When my son (his name is Marlowe actually) was 22 days old I tripped while carrying him and he fell, hitting his head on our hardwood floor. He had a fractured skull that required emergency brain surgery (to remove a tiny skull fragment that had broken off). Today he is 4 and thankfully perfectly fine but my struggle and my husband’s struggle has been tough. He was our first baby (we now have 2) so 3 weeks into motherhood and I literally almost killed him. This event changed me in ways I’ll never totally realize. And unfortunately I lost every ounce of confidence I had in a mother that day. The guilt and the shame is still very real even 4 years later. And some people have judged me in horrific ways. It is still a very emotional thing for me to think about and I find myself crying as I type. Anyhow, I just wanted to thank you for your story. I am so happy that Major is doing well.
Much love to your whole family.
Jennifer
Good evening,
I came across your article this evening, while reviewing FB.
I was immediately drawn from the article to your blog post.
You see, on June 6 of this past year, my daughter passed away while in the overnight care of my sister. She was 14 months old, and initially we were told that she perhaps had SIDS. The next day, however, we were told that Vivian had a crack in her skull and died from bleeding on her brain. My sister reported that she had been vomiting all day and her husband stated a possible seizure. However, we were never notified. No medical advice was sought.
The story only gets worse from there.
My life- our life- has been miserable.
I too have suffered from PTSD. I hear your pain. Sadly, I felt comfort in reading your pain. It validated how I have felt. What I have thought. The guilt in not being there- I understand and have felt.
The major difference…. My child did not survive.
You are a wonderful mother. I can hear your love for your child.
Thank you for sharing. I wish your family fast healing.
Marcie
Wow SO scary for you and your family! Don’t ever feel guilty because accidents happen! Take care of yourself! You have to fill your cup so you can share with your family- don’t try to do it from a depleted one. Hugs to all of you! MDI is only 6 months away which is so healing too!!
Your accounting was honest, painful, to the point and quite hard to share, this I am sure of. All mothers have moments where they second guess their actions. Very happy your story has a good ending, it appears.
Dear Eva,
My heart goes out to you! I was so sorry to read about what happened to baby Major. I am so glad he is doing better. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It takes incredible courage and strength. Please know that you are loved and supported! Ignore the horrible trolls.
Much love,
Vicki
I’m so sorry this happened to your family, I can only imagine what you went through!!!
Just like you I also suffer with anxiety. It’s crazy everything you feel from the dizziness, nausea etc I go thru also!!!! Mine cause from my 1st born having a very traumatic brith, I thought I was ok but after I gave birth to my 2nd my anxiety went out of control after that, I fear something happening to them and it freaks me out! Some days are good and some are not so good. But you have def motivated me to go to therapy. I always thought it was just me but I’m glad I’m not alone. I hope you get better and have an amazing year !
Eva,
I wanted to express my deepest gratitude that you shared this heart wrenching story. When our now 7 month old was one day shy of 2 months, he fell off our kitchen table onto our hard wood floor. He was in a baby pillow lounger that his older brother had never scooted out of (especially at such a young age!) but off he went. My husband was at the table, I was doing dishes at the sink, it happened so quickly. Even 5 months later I still shutter recalling the sound of his head hitting the floor. He suffered a skull fracture and small bleed, and we were hospitalized for 24 hours. I am grateful every second of every day that he recovered so quickly and has no lingering effects, but it was without a doubt the scariest, most traumatizing expeience of my life. I definitely experienced PTSD/PPD from his fall, and was terminated by my employer for asking for additional leave to see us both through the recovery. But I am here to tell you that even the best of us moms have terrible things happen sometimes, and thankfully both of our babies will be ok, and we will be too… if not a little (ok a lot) extra cautious going forward. ❤️
I’m amazed at your courage to share all of these experiences with us. It makes you quite brave. As a mom of 3, I’ve certainly had my own trials. Once my youngest was standing up in a shopping cart with my mother(she was 12 mo old at the time) and she flipped out into the cement ground. We rushed her to the ER. I was angry that my own mother wasn’t more careful. I’ll never forget that moment. And trust me, there have plenty of other stories. It happens to the best of us. I completely understand the anxiety and PTSD it can bring on. Been there. Don’t blame yourself. Forgive yourself. Praise God that your son wasn’t more seriously hurt. You shared the story of your husbands fall also. I’m not sure about your beliefs but maybe God is trying to get your attention. Best of luck. You’re doing great. Remember. Just breathe…..
Eva,
I feel for you so deeply and just wanted to send a hug. What a relief your beautiful boy is alright. I have two sons – 26 months and my little man is nearing 3 months.
I had a baby nurse for my younger son for a few weeks because I was just completely exhausted and needed energy for my toddler (who started waking up at all hours when baby was born). It was a tough transition. I caught her sleeping one night with the baby on her shoulder — she said she wasn’t, it was uncomfortable. She came so highly recommended. My friends said everyone caught their nurse resting on occasion. I let it go. I was lucky. I should have taken action.
I recount this because what happened to you could have been any of us – whether nurse, mom, sitter, family member etc. Anyone who says otherwise should be ashamed. Not only was this not your fault – the whole point of a night nurse is to have someone who is well rested and coherent in those groggy lasted late night hours that us moms know so well.
I wish you peace and warmth and compassion and kindness to yourself during this time. Babies are resilient and he is lucky you’re his mom. No doubt you’re moving mountains to get him the best care possible after what can only be described as a freak accident that is no way shape or form your fault. Happy new year. Fresh start!
Xoxo Jessie J. NY
Sending you much love and positive thoughts during this challenging time. I truly hope that you’ll feel like yourself again soon– free of guilt, as you should be.
I am so deeply and incredibly sorry this happened to you. I am sending you so much love and am so thankful he is healthy and thriving!!
I also want to tell you I HIGHLY recommend EMDR. I have had it myself to help me cope with intense feelings of anxiety since having my son, as well as the loss of my mother to suicide, and it has helped immensely. I am also a marriage and family therapist and know of many people who have greatly benefited from EMDR.
Tons of love and hugs to you and your family. And thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I hope you are greeted with more support and love than you could’ve ever imagined. <3
Thank you for sharing and speaking your truth. This totally could have happened to anyone, but as a mom, I would 100% have the same reactions you did. Wishing you and your family a happy 2017 and sending healing vibes your way ❤️
Hi, I’m Ludmila from Argentina. I admire your strength to tell you what your family has gone through. I go through similar fears with my daughter so I understand your feelings. T sent all the force and light into the distance to get you ahead. My thoughts are with you I wish all the best and hope you can get ahead very soon. I love your blog
For now, wishing you comfort, peace, and continued courage and strength.
God bless Major thank GOD he’s ok… I am so sorry this happened. Please, for those of you with some sort of hatred of those who hire people to nanny or housekeeping, we as a human race have been doing this sort of thing since the beginning of TIME. Moses was raised by a wet nurse (who just coincidentally happened to secretly be his own mother) There are those who would have no other income or job if there were no nanny or housekeeping jobs available. To you mothers, and women who hire outside help- I have a question: why is it SO hard for some people to fire a bad housekeeper? or a bad nanny? it’s as if they have to almost commit a felony before they are gotten rid of. People are too nice.
Hi,
My name is Michelle I live in Mexico City. I don’t know you but I saw a post about what happened to your baby. I lived the exact same horrible nightmare. I had a night mute because of my sons colic, I heard the same cry he was 8 weeks old, she told me nothing had happened that it was colic, after two hours she told me what happened. I Rushed to the hospital and same thing ,crushed skulked and brain bleed, two days in the hospital exactly the same story. I just want you to know that my “second son” (i have four)is now a very healthy en extremely smart 8 year old boy. I understand what you are going Thru, time will pass and heal the wunds. When you can,take time to get all those emotions out. Cry cry cry a lot, you have to be strong when your kids are in danger but now that he is ok let yourself go. It helped me to have a masagge. In a way her touch made me cry and cry anl let my feeling go.
I know you don’t know me but really if you need to talk about it or advice please let me know. Just so you know my other 3 sons had also surgeries when they were just born. So sadly I can say am an expert on the subject. Luckily my 4 boys are very happy and healthy!!!
Best of luck and best regards
Michelle D
I completely understand the guilt. I went through a similar situation with a nanny who had a seizure and afterwards I thought I’d never leave my daughter’s side again.
It’s a blessing that you heard the fall and were there to react immediately. That’s what it means to be a mom!
I’m glad that everyone is doing well.
You have such a beautiful family! You are all in good health. That is your biggest blessing❤️ Love and enjoy your family to the fullest!! Focus on how fortunate you are to have each other. And don’t be so hard on yourself, mama! Sending an abundance of love, light, positivity, & healing vibes your way! You got this! Wishing you all the best, from my lil family to yours!
#own2017
I read this in amazement, at the genuine and heartfelt sharing of the things you are going through with this, and felt a sense of pride in you, ( though I don’t know you, and that seems kinda weird… so, let me explain) As a person who has gone through some very traumatic events myself, I know how hard sharing things, especially with total strangers can be, and it makes me very proud in that regard, that you have pushed through it enough to share those things, and that is a good start to the healing you are hoping to gain. As a former EMT I can tell you quite equivocally that these things do happen, and they happen to many people, and the fact that your son has fully recovered and has no permanent damage is a blessing. You also need to heal, and It is great that you see that and recognize it. Imagine that your feelings of security and your center of well being was cracked as well, and it also will take time to heal, and it may leave a bit of a scar.. but if you are gentle with yourself, and allow yourself the needed rest and help to heal, you can also recover. Just care for yourself the same as if you had a physical break, and need time and assistance for a while to get back on your feet. Again, it may be a little weird that a stranger is proud of you. but I am. It takes courage to be transparent when you are hurting and to expose your own perceived failings to others, especially on the internet where some folks out there will eat you alive for not being perfect.. So I hope that this will encourage you in some way, that you did the right thing, and are taking the right steps. I will pray for you and your family. Thanks for trusting us with your truth. You have helped me as well, in ways I cant explain, so thank you. I do hope you all feel better soon, in whatever way this has affected you as a family and that you get your feet back under you and are able to get to a point that you feel much better with it all. Sending a virtual hug your way. 🙂
My prayers are with you. As a mother, I can only imagine the hell you’ve been living. Know that prayers are going up on your behalf and believing that God has you and will strengthen you to regain your emotional stability. It’s OKAY to be where you are. It doesn’t define you. You’ll move past it.
I had something similar happen to me and my now 8 year old daughter. She was about 18 months old and I was pregnant with her now 7 year old sister. We had gone to Jonesville Michigan for my husband’s nieces graduation. She was watching Candice for me while I had layed down to take a nap. Mind you I was about 6 to 7 months pregnant. I had gotten awoken to a loud thud followed by my daughter screaming. My husband’s nice then brought her to me to console. She had told me that she had sat Candice on the floor and when she turned to the cabinet in the kitchen she knocked a 2 litter bottle of coke on to the floor and it had startled Candice. Causing her to lunge back and hit her head on the edge of the refrigerator. Candice had seemed to not have any cuts or swelling on her head at all. Our oldest daughter had had a stomach bug the night before. So when Candice had started throwing up we didn’t think anything of it other then she must have what the oldest had. By the next day she was lathargic. We had noticed her lips had no color. She had not been able to keep any liquids down at all. We took her to the nearest hospital. After the doctor examined her her found swelling on her head. He then showed me. They rushed her back for scans right away. A parents worse fear was confirmed. She had a cracked skull and bleeding on the brain. They then life flighted her to Toledo Children’s Hospital in Ohio. Once there it they took her right back for surgery. After the surgery, the physicians confirmed that what we had told them happened could NOT have caused her injury. After the athorities were called and threatened to take All of our children, my husband’s niece told them what really had happened. She had set Candice on the counter top and turned for a second and Candice wiggled and fell of the counter landing on her head. It had been an accident but she had lied about how it happened out of fear that she would be in trouble. Mind you, the niece was 18 years old. 5 long nightmare days. The worst 5 days of my life.
My son, at 1 year, fell into a trellis in the back yard. At the time 4 adults, including myself, were within reaching distance of him and none prevented his injury. Nails cuts through his diaper and left him with 4 – 6 inch long, 1/4 inch deep cuts. The image of him falling, screaming in pain, and then reaching for me has never left me. My son is now a 17 years old. I still tell this story often, and felt compelled to do so here as well. One day this story will be one that you will be able to share without regret and without feeling the need to defend yourself. I hope that day comes sooner than later.
Almost 13 yrs ago I was sat on my sofa nursing my new born, my 1 yr old had been put to bed and my husband went to bed himself. We had our hands and hearts FULL I was released with my daughter from the hospital on my sons 1st birthday!!!
Exhausted both physically and mentally I decided to sit up and feed the baby, I fell asleep, she fell asleep unlatched and slid down my tummy down my legs and onto the quilt on the floor my husband came in to find me like this the baby was unharmed and still asleep but I felt like the worst mother ever on this earth to have dropped her baby. This still eats at me every now and again. My daughter will celebrate her 13th birthday on the 14th of Jan and she is a beautiful, smart and energetic she doesn’t remember me dropping her my mothers guilt still remembers.
Forgive yourself Eva things do happen. Major will never remember this either. Enjoy your little man.
I dropped my newborn daughter when she was only a couple of weeks old. My 2 year old son was sitting at the dining room table in his booster seat and the seat fell off the chair — I was sitting across from him at the table and jumped up to tend to him. Only when my husband, standing in the kitchen, said, “where’s the baby” did I notice my daughter lying on the floor — I had been holding her while eating dinner and in my rush to get to my son, I literally just unconsciously dropped her to free my hands up to grab my son. I don’t even remember it happening. We were lucky, too — she was dropped on carpet, probably at a height of 2 feet or less — she was fine, but I spent an anxious night in the hospital with her getting everything checked out, after a harrowing ambulance ride….the memories are seared in my mind, even now, 20+ years later, and I still feel the guilt. For a long while I was afraid to hold other people’s babies, for fear (unreasonable of course) that I would drop them too. I was ashamed to tell people what happened — it is still hard to share the story. My heart goes out to you. It does get easier. I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. You’re a great mom (and so am I)!! 🙂
I just read your story. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m glad your son is healing well. At four months old our son got a skull fracture. I was not home. My husband was home with him and our 2 year old. We have no idea how it happened. We suspect that our 2 year old dropped a toy truck on him or rammed into him while he was napping on the floor. It was difficult to not be suspicious that my husband had dropped him but didn’t want to say. Because it was unexplained the doctor had to call Child Protective Services. Talk about humiliating. We are good, loving parents and we both work with kids as careers. This can happen to anyone! Our son is 17 now and doing well but he does have some mild Asperger’s symptoms. We’ll never know if the fracture had anything to do with this. Just keep your radar on and keep loving your kids. They will turn out awesome.
Eva, I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. I’m so glad that Major is healing, healthy and happy. It’s not your fault, it can and does happen to anyone. Let go of the guilt, you will probably for a little by time carry the scars of this, but I pray you can find it in yourself to forgive yourself. You’ve forgiven the nurse, now it’s time to forgive yourself. Postpartum depression is insidious, and debilitating. With all of the stress of your husbands accident and then shortly after, Majors, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find you have triggered perhaps a deeper depression. I’m thankful you have your husbands support and understanding, as well as this blog to express your feelings. Many of us have struggled to find our rhythm after a major life change, even one as wonderful as the delight of a new addition. I pray you will find peace and forgiveness.
I hope you can forgive yourself and realize in your heart that it was not your fault at all. We can’t prevent accidents from happening to anyone, but when it happens to a baby I think we feel especially responsible because we are the ones who have to watch out for babies since they can’t do it themselves. I feel for you. I am expecting my first and I can only imagine how my fears and anxieties about the safety of my baby will only be amplified when she is finally here. Shame on those who would criticize you. You are too gracious to them. But I’m glad you recognize their hateful hearts have nothing to do with you in reality. I truly hope your recovery is swift and complete. I’m so happy your family is OK.
Feel better. You are only human. This is not your fault. But your feeling are natural after such a scare.
Take care of yourself.
Please know that it can happen to anyone. My daughter has just learned to walk up the stairs and for whatever reason I walked up beside her instead of behind her. She tumbled backwards and I could only watch as she tumbled down the whole length of the wooden staircase. The scream I let out brought my husband running, imagining the worst. Luckily she was ok, but it was the most terrifying moment of my life. I was right there beside her and I was powerless to stop it. It could have ended so badly. It does happen. I’m so happy your son is ok. Peace to you and your family.
I’ve been a big fan of yours for months now, and really appreciate a lot about your open, honest communication about parenting. I am not a mother but a nanny to 2 little ones, and I’ve enjoyed looking to you for all kinds of wisdom. In no way do I mean to minimize or diminish the fear and anxiety you are dealing with as a result of this accident, and sincerely praise you for your self awareness and for finding positive ways of coping with it together with your family.
In my opinion, no one should judge you for having a night nurse; getting help with your kids doesn’t make you neglectful or a bad parent at all. As you say repeatedly, it was accident. There is no reason to blame yourself. But the nurse “obviously” doesn’t work for you anymore? When a parent makes a mistake, look at the positive reenforcement you get: it happens to everyone, it’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself. They’d say the same thing if you yourself had dozed off holding your son.
But when your night nurse does it, you fire her? Isn’t she human too? Doesn’t she get some forgiveness when accidents happen? I’m saddened to find myself unfollowing you on all social media because I can’t support someone who doesn’t support the staff they depend on to help care for their children.
*(First off, my website is under repair. When up, it is http://www.mystoryourstory.org. It is about my experiences as a survivor of sexual abuse.)*
I would be out of my mind if a nurse dropped my baby. Fracturing his skull! Are you kidding me?! I would have PTSD for sure. Take care Eva and Kyle Martino, and your little ones. Please don’t let the mean folks trouble you. The empathy and understanding is out there; it’s just a little harder to find in this crazy world. Finally, what a gorgeous family! I am sure Susan is thrilled! Happy 2017!
Thank you for having the courage to share this. You are not alone. I’m going through a similar experience and your post was so timely and encouraging. You are an amazing mother and advocate. Many blessings to you and your sweet family.
I read this story during a 2am feeding with my son Ainge. He was born 11/7/2016. I can only imagine what you have been through. I hope everyone is on the mend. God Bless, Michelle Brown
You are in my prayers. Being a mom is not easy and an experience like that could shake anyone. Almost 25 years ago after an extremely difficult pregnancy and the premature birth of my third child by emergency c-section, I spiraled into a very deep post partum depression and scary panic attacks. It was hard and therapy helped. You will get better. I promise.
You have a beautiful family. I have 4 children whom I love dearly and I was a night nanny before I had them. We ALL have situations where hind sight is 20/20. I feel for you and the nanny. Im sure she was fantastic and had a lovely heart. Moms, nannies, babysitters, nurses….most have the best of intentions and love these little people dearly. We are human. Mistakes happen. Praise God he was ok. Beautiful little guy!
Dear Eva, I’ve been there. I have a very serious case of lupus and kidney disease, which in translation, means I take a LOT of medications to survive. And on my daughter’s first birthday, while getting ready to go celebrate “not f’ing up” I turned to find my not-yet-mobile toddler, having suddenly moved into our bathroom, fist deep into my medicine box, full of pills which could kill her on the spot. We spent the next 24 hours in the ICU monitoring her heart, waiting for it to stop. 24-hours of deep, dark guilt that I had done this to my own daughter. That I had failed. That I may have killed this precious gift. Luckily, she was fine and most likely never got any pills at all. And I spent that next day immediately moving all my medication into locked boxes in the basement bathroom, where I took them, naked, in a bathtub, every morning and night. Right. next came 3 years of major PTSD, anxiety, and abnormal behavior. Oh, and constantly checking to see what was inside my daughter’s mouth. If something from that medicine room somehow moved upstairs, I would go into a full panic attack and even hyperventilate. And when we would travel, I threw out any bags that pills were packed in. But I ignored the cries for help or pleads from my family, and like you said, pushed past it with positivity and humor and outward resiliance/stubborness. Until I realized the toll it was taking on my body, my health, my husband, and my daughter. Last fall, I started hypno trauma therapy and EMDR, and I cannot tell you how magical it has been. I can now think logically through situations that normally act as a trigger and work through real actions and solutions, versus just reactions and anxiety. I can separate fears from reality. And mostly, I know how to ask for help. I so hope some of this story helps you — you are not alone. You are already so brave and aware, so keep going. And what you feel right now does not have to be and WILL not be forever.
Thank you for so courageously sharing your experience. When my son was 5 months old, my husband hadn’t fully clipped the Baby Bjorn and he fell out of it and landed on his head in the garage. (He fell on a mat over concrete garage floor). It still makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. We took him to our Children’s Hospital and he had a head CT that confirmed a linear skull fracture but thankfully, doctors assured us there was no injury to his brain; no bleed or anything. This was in July 2015 and I cannot even begin to describe the trauma I went through. I had PTSD symptoms and probably should have gone to counseling. It took a long time for me not to think about this accident constantly and I didn’t leave him with anyone for a long time. I still think about it, not as often as I used to, but my son is a bright and beautiful little boy and everything has been perfect with his development. I still have concerns about the radiation he received from 2 CT Scans but have been told not to worry about it. It was a horrible experience, it’s still hard for me to think about what happened to him. Hugs ❤️
Eva, Accidents happen! You are all well, relax, you’re a good mum! IGNORE the haters, love your family. Happy New Year (it will be a better one!).xx
I would say God has surely blessed your family. I, too, know the feeling of dropping a baby. Our granddaughter was just a few weeks old when I was holding her in a recliner. I had dozed off and she fell out of my arms and over the arm of the chair and fell to the carpeted floor waking her mom and dad in the basement below us. I was so scared and afraid they would never let me hold her again,but accidents happen. She is now a beautiful 11 year old. I wish you and your family a great and healthy new year. May you get the help you think you may need. God Bless.
I feel your pain so deeply as i too have had a traumatic experience with my son. Although he was not an infant he was 5 and it was his second week of kindergarten. I too felt if i was with him on the playground that day i could have prevented his accident from happening. He is my first born an i had never left him with anyone due to trust issues. However i had no choice but to send him to school an he seemed to break his arm after dangling on the monkey bars for a few mins. It was by far the worat thing in my life to get a call like that. So i definitely feel all your pain an worries about judgment but again we have to remind ourselves that accidents do happen an as parents were not always there to save our babies from them. Dont lwt the judgment get you down there are always negative people who dont relate to situations like this. Much love an prayers to you an your family!
I am getting dizzy and nauseated just reading this! It was NOT your fault and thank God he is okay. Additionally there is nothing wrong with having a night nurse. If I ever have a second kid, you bet your bottom I will be hiring one. -I sound 60!
Best wishing and much healing to you and your family. We (your readers) will be waiting here when you come back.
You might consider getting checked by a holistic healthcare professional for adrenal fatigue. Our adrenal glands regulate cortisol production, which governs fight or flight response. This respond can be heightened after childbirth (duh, to keep your baby alive and safe!), but our adrenals can get depleted, causing our hormones to get all jacked up and, ultimately, our nervous systems get stuck in that sympathetic response. It makes us jump at the slightest sound, feel anxiety, dread, never rest, and on and on.
And then adding a traumatic event on top of it…
I had a serious bout of this myself. For me, what worked is yoga/meditation, dietary change and supplemental support and my big turning point was after seeing an energy healer who moved some of the trauma energy that was stuck in my body. Sounds crazy but changed my life and helped me be an infinitely more sane and present mama.
Best wishes.
Morgan
As the mom of two children also, I support you in telling the truth about how hard and scary parenting really is. You are in a unique position to drive this important conversation and I applaud you for the having the courage to start it with your blog post.
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m a clinical psychologist (in CT!! And affiliated with Yale!) and am a specialist in perinatal and postpartum mood and anxiety. One of the most unexpected things about the postpartum period is how unrelenting the anxiety can be. We expect depression and are shocked when it’s postpartum anxiety. But postpartum anxiety is so common, and the risk of its onset is completely compounded by stress and trauma. DO go see a trained psychologist or other therapist that specializes in this. I don’t know what part of CT you are in, but I’m going to guess Fairfield County. If so, there is a GREAT network of therapists over there that specialize in this. PLEASE do not settle for less than a specialist. I can give you some names of great people if you want to reach out to me, I have someone in mind actually who is wonderful and so lovely that is over there…ooh, actually three people at least….or you can reach out to Postpartum Support International (PSI), and there is also a CT chapter of PSI. All of this is true for any other mothers reading this and suffering. There is help, and so many of us are out there and will help you find it. Sending good thoughts and hope. This WILL get better if you get some treatment and support, I’m certain of it.
I am never a commenter, but my Facebook mommy blogs have been flooded with this story and of how others have responded. I am so sorry any mother, or person, would in any way, shape, or form, make a comment intended to make you feel any worse. I know I would be beating myself up in your situation, despite it not being your fault. Kim so sorry for what happened to your son and it definitely was not your fault. I say, good on you for using assistance of a night nurse. Allowing yourself to sleep and be a mentallypresent parent for your children is awesome. You’re great and your kids are lucky to have you.
I can completely relate to the trauma you would be feeling. When my newborn was 5 weeks old I was packing up a campsite with my husband and had my newborn in a baby bjorn I was carrying. Unbeknown to me the side clips had malfunctioned and due to the bending and movement she slid sideways in the baby bjorn and fell out on her head onto concrete. Luckily a doctor was staying at the same place and after checking her out, they took her to the local hospital where we were told there was no lasting damage. I on the other hand was not so easily fixed and struggled for a very very long time.
I sincerely hope you can find inner peace with what has happened and in time let go of the pain you are feeling xx
Thank you so much for sharing. If you feel down, remember how many people you have helped by sharing this story. Love to you and your family.
I am not a Mom but I like your blog because of the wide variety of topics you cover and your positive nature that is appealing. When I read what happened to your family in November, I immediately felt for you all. I am a nurse and I was horrified to hear about your baby. I am so glad he is ok. It was very brave of you to share that story and I’m glad that the hospital experience was a good one. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing a difficult situation and I find your honesty very refreshing.
Blessings to you and your family as you reconnect and enjoy these younger years. They fly by.
-Mom of twin 14 y/o boys.
It’s not easy being a new mother. Don’t beat yourself up, accidents happen in life that we have no control of. Have faith instead of fear. God and his angels have showed you he has protected your family and he will do it again. Release it, relax and be grateful for a new day. I hope you continue to heal from this traumatic incident and so happy your precious son is ok.
Dear Eva,
I’m french and I found your blog by chance. First of all, I love it! I wish you all the best for this 2017 year… a lot more peaceful nights and days…
Concerning this particular post about your son’s accident consequences, I am really sorry that you’re not OK right know…. I experienced (unfortunately) post-partum depression for many reasons, and I highly recommend the “EMDR” psychotherapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which worked very well on me even though I was not confident on this kind of therapy. Therapists use this method for veterans, victims of terrorism, rape, etc. any trauma can be heal by EMDR even the anguish itself. I hope you’ll find the way to serenity as soon as possible and that your family will be fine in the future. Sorry for my poor english level… Take care. Moana
Just to let you know that if you ever need to take medication, even temporarily, for depression,etc, Le Leche League has a lidt of medications that are compatible with breastfeeding. Even if the doctor or drug manufacturer says it’s not ok, to cover themselves legally, Le Leche many times will give their approval.
I took an antidepressant for depression, panic attacks, sleeplessness, ocd, and Le Leche said it was fine even though the doctor wasn’t too sure. The medication saved me during a very tough postpartum depression and I could still nurse!
Reading this brings back the horrible feelings of guilt that I had and still have after my beautiful lil boy was dropped at the tender age of 22 months. My sweet son was a surprise for myself and my husband as we had felt we were done having children and knew that at some point we would become caregivers for our 4 grandsons whom we loved unconditionally. But God had different plans and blessed us with our tiny bundle of pure love, joy and happiness❤I was taking 2 of my older grandson to open house for the new school year, this was a Wednesday around 5pm. My daughter who was at the time 14 was going to watch my son and the younger grandsons so that I could meet the teachers and get the boys situated without trying to keep a watchful eye on all 5 little boys! JJ didn’t want momma to leave which he was letting me know by screaming and trying to get out of the door to come with me. His sissy picked him up in hopes to soothe him, unfortunately she slipped, fell and dropped her baby brother right there in the living room. I had not even made it into the driver seat when my daughter came running out with her baby brother in her arms screaming that she had dropped him. I tried to assure her that he would be fine after all it was just a simple fall. As I did my best to remain calm I took my baby from her arms and did my best to comfort my daughter, my baby boy strangely wasn’t even crying? I realized immediately that there was definitely something wrong with my sweet boy! I instructed my daughter to call 911 as I held my baby boy. The paramedics didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with my sweet son who by now was drooling down the right side of his face as he lay totally limp on the huge gurney In the ambulance?You see JJ did not have any marks what so ever on the outside of his head, neck or anywhere else. As his momma I KNEW there was something wrong! I felt almost immediately that JJ had a stroke, although not one paramedic, ER Dr. or nurse would even consider it! I’m certain they felt that I was exaggerating my sons condition because I was just “a crazy momma”. The ER wanted to release JJ, I refused and insisted they not send us home! They finally agreed to keep my baby boy for 24 hours in order to observe him. When we were finally sent to a room it was 3:30am! The sweet nurse came in to introduce herself and let us know that if we needed anything to please let her know. I immediately explained that I had told EVERYONE in the ER that I felt my son had a stroke but that they all dismissed it as if I was just an overly protective momma. She offered to call the on call neurologist, I of course said yes please! The neurologist was in JJ’s room within 10 minutes! He flashed a tiny light in JJ’s eyes and said “this child needs an MRI immediately”! I thought FINALLY someone listens to me! At 5:30am a full 24 hours after his accident we were told that our son had a stroke/bleeding on the inner most core of the left side of his brain which is why he at this point couldn’t even hold his own head up?I am still angry that none of the professionals in that hospital would listen to me, I will not take my son back to that hospital. He is now a patient of another wonderful hospital that has a great children’s department. JJ is now 6 years old and has been diagnosed autistic which his neurologist and we as his parents agree is a direct result of his accident. Our lives and the life of our precious son will forever be a challenge. I do constantly blame myself feeling that I should have been taking care of my baby and not trying to care for all 4 grandsons. I do however thank God for allowing me to keep my sweet son. I hope that my story encourages all parents to be vigilant when they believe that there is indeed something wrong with their own precious children❤
????????
I was diagnosed with PPD, PTSD, and anxiety 6 weeks postpartum. I have struggled with depression for a while, but my daughter was admitted to the NICU less than 24 hours after she was born. Truthfully I don’t remember much from the first 6 weeks. I do remember a lot of us both crying hysterically on the couch (I also had problems with let down making her choke). It took me breaking down at my six month follow up to admit to myself that I needed help. I’m still terrified that I will do something that will make my 7 month old sick. I think it takes a long time to heal mentally and emotionally after something like that happens. I agree with previous comments about EMDR and how helpful it was for me. It also helps that I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Much love and peace to you and your family!
Beautiful Eva,
You are so strong! You will get through this. I wouldn’t normally leave a comment about God, but thought it would be ok since you mentioned Him in your post. God and His Angels are with you every single step of the way. God is so proud of you for making the world a better place, for being an inspiration to others, being such an amazing Mommy and hard worker. You are beautiful inside and out. We all go through difficult times, and I admire how brave you are to share your story. People can be so judgemental because they are hurting inside. If someone leaves a mean comment, know it has nothing to do with you, but it shows they feel bad about themselves. Lean on God during this difficult time and know you and your precious kids are in the hearts and prayers of people all over the world. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) God bless you today, tomorrow, and always. ??
Its awful what you and your family have gone through lalely. I hope you will be back to yourself again soon. I love all the viodes on Instagram with Marlowe and Major, and I’m very happy that they are okay. You are your own worst critic, give yourself a break.
Hi. I recently had a similar expirence. My 6 month old fell off the bed and fractured her skull. She was right next to me, I saw the whole thing happened and I couldn’t stop it. I completely understand the guilt you feel and even though everyone may say it’s not your fault, you feel still 100% responsible. My daughter is fine thank god, though it’s only been 2 days. Everything you said and felt is how I feel. I see it happening over and over again and I cry everytime. I know it will take time. I am thankful I came across your blog. As horrible as it is, it does make me feel a little better knowing someone else has gone through this. I am very happy your son is ok. Please don’t feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. No one else blames you, please don’t blame yourself. Enjoy your time with your family. One good thing for me that has come out of this horrible accident is, I no longer take the little moments for granted. Take care.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I know it wasn’t easy and I completely understand. A little over a year ago my son who was then 7 months old sustained a skull fracture as well after my husband fell down the stairs and dropped him on the hardwood floor. Thankfully after a trip to the hospital, aside from a large hematoma on his head, he was otherwise fine. I have not told many people this story for the same reasons as you.
I am so thankful to you for sharing your experience with the world because I have felt so alone in this situation. It’s nice to know that there are people that know what I have been through. I’m sure there have been a lot of rude comments made but just ignore them. If it hadn’t happened with your night nurse it could have been with you or your husband, you can’t place blame.
I forgave my husband almost immediately after it happened because I know it could have been me.
Thanks again for sharing your story hope your little boy is doing great!
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Dear Eva , first of all I´m sorry if I make some grammar mistakes along this message but I m not a native speaker, know up to my point the most impòrtant thing is you recognizing that in order to get better you need to get some help.
I myself fell asleep with my premie baby while in bed wit my baby eventhough she fell over the bed I felt really bad it was a mixure of emotions somehow I felt unfit. She was born during my 33 week of pregnancy …and most of the time she spent at the ICU, I felt guilty I blamed myself for having Preclamsia , finally after a month in the ICU , I was able to grab her and hold her for the first time .
to make things even worse I was unable to breastfeed so more guilt for me… finally I spoke to a therapist who helped me coped and told me that noone loves that baby more than you…so dont worry take your time with your beautiful babies… and soon you´´ ll regain that confidence…
Those look like well loved and cared for children but, as Mothers, we care for ourselves last. Remember, there is a reason they tell us toput our oxygen mask on first!
When my Son was 23 months, he got a hold of dime. I WAS always carefulwith money but I worked late and had tips in my pocket. In the morning he scooped that dime up in an instant and it was stuck right in the section of his body where it could cut off air. Most kids would be able to swallow it but he was really small for his age. It took an entire day of waiting and a full ER staff to put him under and take it out.
I spent the entire day expecting Children and Family Development to come and take custody but he was (is) a healthy, happy, clean, fed, thriving child who had a little bump.
And I look after children for a living! 🙂
You know communities used to raise children together. The night nurse could have easily been another family member, a best friend, your or your husband. It’s a shame that we judge mom’s for their choices and perpetuate the guilt that is already deeply innate in our own bodies. Please take care of yourself. I’m happy you are working with a professional, as a therapist myself, PTSD and any kind trauma is nothing to ignore. You are brave stronger than you know.
Amazing! Its in fact remarkable paragraph, I have got much
clear idea about from this piece of writing.
I know this is a post from a few months ago but I came across it after my husbands 10 year old niece dropped 6 month old at a restaurant with concrete floors yesterday. It was from her lap and her 14 year old sister tried that catch him but his head still hit the floor and he cried for a brief moment and I thought let’s just jump in and run across the street top the urgent care and just make sure he is ok. When I put him in the car seat he went really red and ridged then just white as a ghost which set off my mommy alarm that he is not ok so hand the seat to my husband and I’m yelling he’s not ok get him out as I call for an ambulance. As my husband is holding him he is white as a ghost and just wants to shut his eyes and which look just empty like my baby is not in there. I was terrified and just tried to keep him awake. The ambulance arrived and at that point he had started to look around and “come back” a little they checked him all out and said his vitals looked good and we headed for the hospital. When we arriaved there he was doing a little better. They checked him all out and said he was fine just minor concussion and we went home where after a little more time he seemed to pretty much be back to himself and smiling at us again. I know in comparison to your terrifying ordeal this was minor and could have been much worse. I can definitely relate to the guilt I feel horrible like I should have not let anyone else hold him especially any of the kids and honestly they probably never will again! I also suffer from anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder) and I am still just physically sick about the whole ordeal and feel like I failed as a mother! My heart truly goes out to you in this and I’m glad to read that it is getting better for you with time and that your baby is ok!
Hi Eva,
I needed to read this. My son at 5 weeks also suffered a linear skull fracture. Thank God it wasn’t a depressed fracture and there was no bleeding of the brain but scary non the less. A CT scan showed no damage at all to the brain so we too count our blessings. He is now 8 weeks, hitting his milestones and developing well. the neurosurgeon who checked him promised me he will have no developmental issues due to this fall. Anyways our stories are (unfortunately) even more similar because prior to that when my son was two weeks a generator battery exploded in my husband’s eyes. I swear when it rains it pours. Again thanks to God’s mercy he was not blinded. But what I’m getting to is that these two traumatic experiences have also left me with what I believe to be PTSD. I can’t have my son out of my sight. I have nightmares. If you find somethingt that helps you please post about it. I feel like I put on a happy face for him and my other two year old son but deep down I’m struggling. It’s almost paralyzing and nothing anybody even the doctors say can take that feeling away . I just keep praying. I feel like this will affect me till he grows up and can actually tell me “Mom, everything is okay. I promise you I’m fine.” Anyways all the best and thank you for sharing
Hi there! I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. I actually posted a followup to this post with some solutions I found that have helped me so much. Search “Struggling Less” on the blog. Good luck!
Hi Eva,
I hope this note finds you in better spirits!
God had to be watching over Major when he got hurt. There is not doubt about in my book. I know there must be a part of you that blames yourself. You should never ever blame yourself as it was not your fault! Reading about you makes me think that you are very sensitive and caring person. I never met you, but I did meet Marloe when I worked at the Country Children’s Center. I am sure there are support groups for mothers of children who have gottten hurt. If not maybe that’s your calling? I read you have not hired any more night time nurses which I fully understand. In terms of hiring a night child care provider ( If you should ever change your mind) it should be someone who has done nigh times before. I have been with the Country Children’s Center since 1987. I have worked with children from infants through school age. I have always enjoyed working with kids since I was a kid myself. I am very devoted and loyal to the Country Children’s Center. If I can be of any help to you please let me know. I reside in Carmel NY. If I can help you weed out new employees to take care of your children please let me know. I have always been good at finding good hearted people who really care about their job of working with children. Sincerely, Sue Mahoney-Oliver
Thank you for sharing your story. How difficult to move forward with the trauma following you. I applaud you for working thru be emotions to know this wasn’t your fault. So glad everyone is ok.
I wanted to write because I’m not sure if you know there’s treatment for PTSD. it is called EMDR and can help people deal with things that trigger their anxiety and stress related to the situation. As you can imagine it is used for veterans returning from war, but also for others who have gone thru particularly traumatic situations. I hope if you look into this that it helps you work thru some of the trauma to make it such that it isn’t as paralyzing. Hope that is helpful.
EMDR. Good luck!
In reading this, I guess I do t understand why you insert so much drama. Your baby is ok, enjoy him, why worry about things that might go wrong. You can not control everything.
Hi! So sorry for what had happened to major. But I am puzzled why was he with a night nurse? My baby girl is 6 weeks old and sleeps with us. In our bed. By my side. Cuddling, I could never give her to someone else during the night… Or day time… I am not saying that this is why it happened, just perplex of the facts. AAll the best
I will carve my comments very carefully, since I am a proud member of your tribe. My observation is that you give 100% to everything you do. There is no failure here, but rather overload. Your love and dedication are remarkable.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was directed to your blog by my own therapist. I had a very similar accident 6 months ago when my son was only 2 days old. I have been struggling with the guilt of the incident and the constant worry about his health. It is empowering to hear that you and your son are thriving. I have not been able to share my story yet, but I hope to some day. Thanks again.
Perhaps if you were a real mother instead of relying on others this would not had happened. A night nurse? Really? You are nothing disgusting self entitled human being.
I know I’m reading this well after the fact but I too
Had post partum depression
Had a fire in My Home when my nanny passed out on the couch in the day and had left pot on. Fortunately my kids were ok and the nanny I think was as scarred as me but I realized a few things
1) women’s hormones cAuse post partum depression you are NOT weak. They have great medications for this
2) nannies can’t be overworked. I never forgave my nanny but I did conclude that
She was overworked. She had another full time job after mine! I knew that and it should’ve raised red flags.
3) I needed to get home earlier. I was without my kids twelve hours a day. It’s too much.
Youhave a gorgeous family and are grace helpful to share!!
I wish you would save your marriage. It’s what best for our children and 28 yrs of our lives is worth saving
Bless you for your bravery. You are so strong, mama. I hope and pray you forgive yourself and can move past this. I can’t even imagine. I think all moms can relate to this story. Thank you for sharing. Xo
Wow Eva! I did not know this story. Thank god you Major and the whole family were able to recover. God is good!
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I would love to talk to you if you have the time. I experienced a remarkably similar accident when my baby was 2-months-old and haven’t been the same since. Your story is so much like mine it’s really unbelievable, and my husband agrees. I stumbled across it when googling 3 kids versus 2 and reading another one of your posts where you referenced “the accident.” That is also how I describe our experience that happened in late July of this year.