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Summer 2022 was bittersweet for me, and for us as a family. It was the first Summer where we really felt complete as a family of 5, with a final child who was able to communicate in full sentences and hang with us in a real way. It was also the Summer when I got so completely overwhelmed that I thought I would have to put a pause on ALL of the many balls I juggle. I had to examine my life from the outside and make some hard decisions, and I had to also relinquish control and lean into faith, trust, and the belief that the Universe will always provide what is right for the moment. High highs and low lows were what characterized the last few months, and I wanted to take a moment to really look back and write a little about my takeaways from the summer. I’m a big believer in the fact that the stumbles and low points in life help us to better appreciate and embody our blessings.
in this picture
This Summer was one of the hardest I’ve ever had since I became a Mom, but because of my many responsibilities, I kept on going and rising to the occasion every day. I didn’t have a choice. I was so burnt out, frustrated, scared, and overwhelmed during most of my days. But until I shared a bit about my feelings on Instagram with the public, you wouldn’t have known any of it. It taught me an important lesson that the people we encounter every day are most likely going through things we’ll never know about. It’s so important to meet people with grace and empathy. Not to take on their pain or force it out, but rather to just hold space for the fact that any encounter we have may be weighted with things that are impossible for us to understand.
We made the mistake of hiring a nanny at the beginning of the summer who really wasn’t cut out for the job. Of course, we didn’t go into it knowing that, and we tried to make it work, but by the time we realized they weren’t going to be what we needed, it was nearly impossible to find a replacement. I was also SO self-conscious about introducing the kids to another “wrong” fit. Because of this, we made sure to take our time finding the right person, and I didn’t have consistent childcare all summer. It was SO challenging to run my company, design my line, and run point on production while also taking care of the kids and their needs. Ian helped as much as possible, but my job is much more flexible than his, so I ended up taking on the lion’s share. I cannot tell you how deeply my Mom Guilt wrecked me this summer. Constantly having to balance my job and my kids, and feeling like I just wasn’t cutting it at either made me feel insecure at work and like a CRAP Mom.
My anxiety came back pretty badly for the first time in a long time, and I had to really make sure that I was taking time for myself and setting boundaries so that I didn’t burn what little energy I had left. I had expected to have a “Summer Of Fun” with Ian and the kids, but really what it turned into was a summer of introspection. Not having tons of time forced me to be much more selective about how I spent it. I created a little bubble with my little family that didn’t feel like what I was used to, but it felt safe and solid. My kids learned that I’m human and I break sometimes. There were tears and apologies, and I think they really learned this summer how important it is for families to work together for the best outcome.
There were also SO many sweet moments and memories. Major learning to swim, Marlowe spending her birthday overseas, Mateo potty training, and being a part of “the gang” in a real way. Ian and I finally got to build the garden of our dreams, and teach the kids how to grow their own food. We appreciated the small wins so much. We visited with family a lot and saw great friends we feel close to. Ian and I both did health resets and met with a naturopath who helped us get on supplement routines to feel our best. We quieted down the noise and focused a lot on each other, and how we want to grow our relationship moving forward.
I found myself looking forward to Fall more than I ever have. The fresh start and the mellowing out of summer energy make way for something new. I’m grateful for this past summer because it made me clean house, emotionally and spiritually. I let go more than I have in years, and I protected myself and my energies more deeply than I had given myself the grace to do for a long time. I prioritized myself and my family. Although the summer wasn’t what I had expected it to be at all, I learned the lessons I needed to learn and came out of it all with a much better vision. I learned more about what I need in this season in life. I’m proud of that.
Whatever your summer held for you, I hope you came out of it with silver linings and beautiful memories! Sometimes what we need the most isn’t something we would ever know to ask for.
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I’m just so impressed you were able to cut ties with your childcare situation. We had a similar thing happen to us, where we knew it wasn’t going to workout but didn’t have the bandwith to find a replacement so we just rode it out for the summer. So it was incredibly frustrating having to fill in the gaps during the time that was supposed to be “fun” for our family and the kids were definitely impacted by the quality of childcare received. I felt so guilty all summer for that, but didn’t know what else to do. Thank you for reminding us we’re not alone!
Hi Eva, thanks for sharing your struggles this summer. You wrote how you tried to handle all your stuff and the kids and how much Ian helped you. You wrote that before in a post. And I just ask myself: Where’s Kyle helping with the kids? Maybe you just don’t write about that and I hope that you don’t get me wrong. All the best
Your transparency and honesty is so appreciated. I hope you know that and feel proud.
This essay is very self reflective. Wish I had reason to write such a piece when I was a young mom. It would have been invaluable then and so sweet to read now at 71. So many things might have been resolved which still come back to haunt me now like the time I lost Alex at the beach for 30 minutes. What was going on in my life that surrounded that day? You will have essays to read later to make sense of both shortfalls and achievements. Nothing happens in a vacuum they say. Our best plans fall apart and life happens organically sometimes for the worst but sometimes for the better. XXOO Terra (Focusplusplanet)