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A Co-Parenting Update: Part Five

Eva Amurri shares her fifth coparenting update and their holiday plans

We are still Coparenting! LOL. It felt like a good time to share an update as we head in to the hectic holiday season, and get used to the back and forth groove with three kiddos! In our particular coparenting situation, some things have shifted, but a lot has also stayed the same! Most importantly, the kiddos are still doing amazing and have been thriving in our new family structure. It’s amazing to think that it’s been two years since they’ve had to get used to their parents living separately, but raising them together.

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I always think about it like this in my mind, because that’s truly what it’s become. Kyle and I may not be married or building a life together any longer, but we are definitely in total lock step when it comes to the kids and making sure they’re as supported as possible. It makes me really proud to see how much love they’re surrounded by, and how proud THEY seem of our little modern family. I definitely feel more on the same page with Kyle when it comes to the kids now, as opposed to when we were married. I think something has happened in terms of our parenting together, where our other issues with each other are no longer clouding our experience with parenting. I sense that we are both able to come to the table with a lot more grace than we previously had. Sometimes before it felt as if parenting was a battlefield of sorts….a place to subconsciously work out our issues or resentments with each other…now translated in to feelings about raising our children. Now, I notice we both listen a lot better to what the other person is saying. We empathize more deeply, too. Mostly, I’m just so happy that our kids can be parented in this way, now, with fresh eyes and more open hearts.

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A few little updates on the routine– we have finally stopped bringing bags back and forth! Kyle now has a full wardrobe of clothes at his place for the kids, and a diaper bag and stroller there as well. It’s SO much easier not to be carting things back and forth with us every other weekend. Some weekends during town soccer season when Kyle has the kids, and I’m gone, he has been staying at my house in Westport to make things easier on everyone. He can bring the kids to soccer and birthday parties etc, without having to drag them back and forth from NYC. The weekends that they’re in the city with him, he will bring Marlowe to Westport for the soccer game on her own, and the boys will stay in the city with a sitter and sometimes my Mom. This seems to be way less hectic for all parties involved.

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I know we have a long way to go when it comes to figuring out a cross-state plan once all three kids have busier schedules, but for now we’re taking it season by season. My dream is for Kyle to get a little weekend place in Fairfield county and spend his weekends out here with them! I don’t think that’s as much his dream, frankly, but I will continue to subliminally message him to do it. Hahaha. I actually saw a cute little house for sale around the corner from me and had to physically stop myself from texting a picture of it to him. I’m trying not to be the crazy ex-wife sending real estate opportunities. Some people may think it’s ultra weird to want your ex husband to buy a weekend home around the corner from you, but ultimately I think it would be so great for the kiddos that I will always hope Kyle ends up closer to us!

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We’ve been planning our Holiday season, and have some fun plans! Kyle, Ian, and I have decided to take the kids on a little getaway for Thanksgiving this year. We’re driving someplace new all together, and staying for a few days! We’re even joining friends up there which will be so fun. It’s definitely always a little strange to hit these modern family milestones when they come up. Did I ever think I’d be vacationing with my ex husband, boyfriend, and all three kiddos? Probably not. But I feel SO lucky that we’re in a place where this feels not only doable, but fun too! We will also be spending the Christmas Holiday together as usual, with the kids doing Christmas Eve Eve at Kyle’s, with presents in the morning. They’ll come to my house on Christmas Eve night, and wake up here for Christmas Day.

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For me, the ultimate goal (despite divorce) is for more togetherness, not less. I know that relationships will always fluctuate when it comes to closeness…and that coparenting relationships in particular have definite ups and downs (our has for sure). But mostly I can tell that the greatest gift my kids can get is being surrounded by as much love as possible. Don’t forget that the love we have for ourselves and our own lives as parents is important for our kids too! Living as our happiest and most authentic selves can only improve life for our kiddos. I’ve watched it in action with my kids the past couple of years and I feel so grateful to have gotten to this place…both within myself, and in our new structure as a family.

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I recently started reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, and I can’t recommend it enough. There are so many incredible messages in it, and I think it’s a beautiful companion piece for anybody feeling as though they need to find their truth and their inner freedom. That deep longing for a better, happier life. I wish I had this book when we were making such difficult decisions two years ago!

Sending so much love to any families out there at the very beginnings of their coparenting journey. You truly do get out of it what you put in, and some families take longer than others to get there. Have patience and faith in the process!


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Photographs by Julia Dags | Copyright © 2021 Happily Eva After, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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18 Comments

  1. Rebeca says:

    Eva, thank you so much for sharing your journey with co-parenting. It’s been such a breath of fresh air. You see I’ve been in a relationship with someone who is going through their own journey as a co-parent and unfortunately it hasn’t been as conscious and healthy as we hoped it would be. I looked to yours as an example of how a healthy co-paranting situation would look like, knowing of course that it’s different for everyone and every case. In this particular one it has been really difficult to see that the children’s mom has not always kept their best interest in mind. I have never been in this situation before where I’ve dated a father let alone one of two teen boys, and there’s not that much out there to guide someone in my situation. We’ve been seeing a family therapist to help repair some of the damage done by their mom toward their father and to help build a bond with me. I’d love, if he were up to it, for Ian to share his perspective and approach with the kids and Kyle through this ongoing journey, as perhaps it may shed some light on mine.
    Thanks for your awesome content!
    xo
    Rebeca.

    10.14.21 Reply
    • In time, I would love for the guys to share more! I think it’s important to hear all sides of it.

      In terms of your situation, all I’ll say is that life is long, and there are always opportunities to redefine a relationship, and to get back on track. Also, it’s really helpful to figure out how to have compassion for the things she’s done or ways she’s acted, in place of judging them. If you can get there, it’s possible for her to soften more in to a place where things can change. I always say when it comes to coparenting it’s so helpful to really try to walk a mile in their shoes and think deeply about the other person’s reality and experience. Even if it’s nothing like how you would behave, everyone acts out for a real reason. I think everyone at their core is doing their best, but sometimes a person’s best can hurt other people. If that makes sense!

      10.18.21 Reply
  2. Alyssa says:

    I have so much love for this post and the message you are sending. My husband and I are foster parents and while that is a different situation than divorce, it is also more similar than most individuals realize. The children are going back and forth between homes and parents and there is a sense of coparenting so it is important for us to bring happiness and peace into their lives by embracing their bio parents and choosing to love them where they are. My dream with each placement is that we get to a place of togetherness with their bio family for the children and for us; it shows the beauty in all different types of families. Thank you for sharing these updates and being so open!

    10.14.21 Reply
    • How beautiful! Thank you for sharing this!

      10.18.21 Reply
  3. corinna garcia says:

    You’re post made me cry happy tears!!!! Am just so happy you’re all doing well; growing, learning and loving in your modern family. Always want the best for you all and you’re killing it. XOXO

    10.14.21 Reply
  4. Jenn Bass says:

    Love this!!!! I am 3 years into my co-parenting journey and we’re planning a family vacation to Mexico next year during spring break, me, my new hubby, my ex and the kids! We are so excited to be in this place even though everyone thinks it’s so bizarre that we have a great co-parenting relationship.

    10.14.21 Reply
    • I love that! It’s so important to share the more modern family stories so that people know it is possible to get there

      10.18.21 Reply
  5. Andrea says:

    I think it’s wonderful that your family is doing so well! And I don’t think it’s weird at all that you want Kyle to have a weekend house close by. My neighbor keeps (jokingly, but seriously) asking everyone in our cul de sac if they want to move so her ex husband can buy the house. He’s totally on board. And so is her fiancé! The three of them co-parent really well together and it would be so easy for the kids just to run back and forth between the houses.

    10.14.21 Reply
    • haha I love that! So much easier for the parents, too!

      10.18.21 Reply
  6. Nat says:

    Gah, I’m obsessed with you and your family. The togetherness is really important but also really special as not everyone is able to achieve this. I also love that you have a vision for Kyle to be in your neighborhood hahah. It’s true that we need to let people lead their own lives BUT I still have the same dreams of having my BFF and my in laws being my neighbours in a little estate ha so completely relate. Love seeing your journey and see how far you’ve come.

    10.14.21 Reply
    • Thanks Nat! Yes I totally agree that not everyone is able to achieve this. As I’ve said in posts before, I’m grateful I have a coparent (and boyfriend!) who share my dream of togetherness for the sake of our kids. It takes a lot of compromise, selflessness, and forgiveness from all parties. And maturity! LOL

      10.18.21 Reply
  7. Glenda says:

    Love these updates and these pictures are gorgeous. So nice to see that “adults” can actually be adults especially when kids are involved. Best always! xo

    10.14.21 Reply
  8. Theresa says:

    I’m not a coparenter, but I cannot agree more about the more love surrounding your kids the better off they are sentiment. I push for my kids to receive real authentic love from sitters, grandparents, friends, etc. These experiences and peopke make them better humans and all the love surrounding your kids in all relationships make them better too. Brava on living authentic realness in all forms. Your kids are sparkling because of it✨

    10.15.21 Reply
  9. What ?? says:

    This idealized story is just that … A story … Nowhere is there any mention of new romantic relationships & to think a divorced dad would go to his exwife’s house to watch the kids is niaeveity.
    This is a romcom idealized story that Evey woman wants but has no basis in reality. If you believe this is possible you are gullible as all heck.
    Divorced couples 98% of the time are not friends & generally are somewhat self serving .. welcome to reality.

    10.15.21 Reply
  10. Karyn says:

    Hi. I am newly divorced and we are trying to figure out how to co-parent. I would love to read the rest of your series on this and possibly share with my ex, but I can’t seem to find the other posts. It is nice to hear another family like ours trying to find the right balance and where they can share experiences and get along. My parents and his think it is odd we want to share holidays when we can, but I don’t see why we can’t make it work.

    10.19.21 Reply