This blog post was originally published on December 7th, 2021.

I wrote this blog post a few years ago, but it still hits home for me. As I push myself to grow and evolve in my personal and professional life, I find myself consistently butting up against preconceived notions and “truths” that either I have about myself or that others have about me. And the truth is that the majority of the time they’re not totally right. Evolving as a person, both personally and professionally, is about meeting yourself where you actually ARE and striving to be the best version of who that is. But how can we do that if we’re still living in the old understanding of ourselves? Since Spring is soon upon us, I figured many of us are doing some emotional spring cleaning along with the physical kind. I decided to republish the below piece to get this conversation going again! I’d love your input on this topic, too!

One of the greatest gifts for me in the past several years has been the ability to gain a lot of perspective on relationships of all kinds in my life, and the realization that I am in control of how I relate and react within those relationships. The biggest shift has been that realization when it comes to my relationship with myself.  I think each of us if we’re being honest with ourselves, has believed somebody else’s story about us at one point or another in our lives.  If you’re particularly prone to this, you might be caught up in multiple outside stories about you that continue to affect your sense of self today. And it’s totally natural to end up in this position!

It starts within our families of origin…we’re given a “role” from the beginning: whether it’s something as benign as “the cute one” or as damaging as “the problem child”.  Maybe even “the anxious one”.  This is something I have to be mindful of as a parent as well. Of course, we assign traits and markers to our children, but I have to work hard not to come up with my own outside identities for my children that I cement as fact.  It’s so important to leave that room for them to teach ME who they are as they age and come into their own.

Later, you can be attached to a story about yourself in relationships, whether it’s friendships (“the wild one”, “the responsible one”) or romantic relationships (“problems with intimacy”, “alpha male”, “high maintenance”).  The truth is, people will always form an outside opinion or categorization of you– that’s how human brains work. We feel better with a category, to be able to organize our experiences and relationships in our minds.  But, no outside representation can encompass all of somebody, especially as that person grows, evolves, and changes over time.

This can even happen with work relationships! You might go into a partnership with a certain power dynamic in place…but as value or needs morph and shift, so does that relationship…and so should that story!

How often do we stay stale in our evolution individually, or professionally, when we keep believing stagnant stories about ourselves from the sources around us?

Family Of Origin:

THE MANTRA:

Even if an entire group of people believes you to be a certain thing, that doesn’t mean it has to be true! Sometimes it’s easier for people to just file away an older record of something. It’s not necessarily malicious to see somebody as something they no longer are…sometimes that’s the most comfortable and least challenging approach.

Relationships:

But what if we acknowledged that those labels might only hold true in the context of that relationship? What if our identities as a partner could shift and change depending on the dynamic of the relationship? When I first got divorced, I was super scared that my own shortcomings in a relationship (and everyone has them) would translate into any new relationship I had. I think this is a pretty common fear for most divorcées. I was terrified of recreating over and over again the same issues I had experienced.  It took some good therapy and some internal work to realize that who I can be in any relationship will be different, depending on my partner.  It’s not about one or the other, but about the dynamic, you create together. One dancer with two different partners can never produce an identical dance.  I think remembering this also does great things to help process romantic relationships that don’t work out.  It’s never one person’s “fault”. We are each responsible for our half of a dynamic, and it’s important to remember that our half of the dynamic is totally malleable and fluid.

THE MANTRA:

Release the story from your past partners! You are no longer that, and neither are they. Bring forth into new relationships the type of energy you want to be reciprocated, and create a safe space for sharing who you do AND DON’T want to be.

Work:

THE MANTRA:

Your value professionally is something that YOU determine! Remember that somebody not seeing your worth doesn’t set the bar for what you can accomplish.  If you’re in a dynamic that is making you stagnant, reimagine the story.

Photographs by Julia Dags | Copyright © 2021 Happily Eva After, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Shop the post…