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I would say that the number one argument that Kyle and I have in our marriage stems from one or both of us feeling unappreciated and/or taken for granted at varying points in time. This feeling manifests itself in a variety of ways, but if I had to distill down to one thing the kernel that is in almost every single fight we get in to, it always comes down to that. And I’ll be honest again and admit that this element in our marriage got a lot trickier when we welcomed a second child– because our time got less and our workloads got more. And I know that we aren’t the only couple with children to ever go through this, in fact I know we aren’t. I definitely don’t have ANY concrete “answers” for you when it comes to this topic, but I thought I would discuss it here a bit today because it’s something that Kyle and I are working through this year and I’m sure will continue to for a long time!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this dynamic recently because I think it’s so pervasive within relationships, especially ones that have welcomed children– at first you are fully committed to each other, do everything to support each other in your bond, and then a little tiny king or queen arrives and pushes your relationship with your partner off of the proverbial pedestal. And I think that a lot of us spend so much time rationalizing why this is the “right” or “appropriate” response to having a child shift your priorities, I know (at least in my own life) that it really does create a lot of hidden, more shameful feelings of having been replaced. Or perhaps even more complex feelings of one partner being happy with this shift in priorities and the OTHER partner not being so happy. Then add work responsibilities on top of that, and we are lucky if we ever manage to fit in quality time with our partners that leave our relationship feeling “balanced”!
And what even constitutes quality time? For example, in our life, my husband’s idea of great time together would be he and I having a fun and sexy night out just the two of us. My dream day of “quality time”? Doing a fun family activity with our two kids all afternoon, and ending in takeout around our kitchen table. Could those two pictures be any different? LOL. A couples counselor once told me something really interesting that has stuck with me as I navigate this prioritization and appreciation dynamic within my own relationship. She told me that when she is working with couples, she sometimes does individual sessions where she separates the couple and does half an hour with each person. During each session she paints a picture for the person of a their family on a train track, with a train barreling down towards the family. They can save either their spouse or their children. 100% of the women who answer this question save their children and half of the men saved their spouse. (Also sorry for the generalization and men/women assumption, it is not my personal statistic!) I found this anecdote interesting because while I find it hard to believe that half the men wouldn’t save their own children (I mean, this seems like some guys who were just trying to make a point) it does show a difference between these groups of the Moms who prioritize the children and the Dads who put the most emphasis on the relationship with the partner. Take the extreme train drama out of it (obviously), and this is definitely a difference that Kyle and I experience in our own marriage. For me the kids, simply, are number one. If they need me they take precedence over him needing me. And while Kyle is such an amazing dad who would do anything for his family, I think this immediate relegation of them over him is not the easiest pill to swallow. And I know FOR A FACT that he’s not the only spouse to ever feel that way.
We’ve had lots of conversations over the years (since becoming parents) of what we can do to make it so that– even though our child comes first– that WE don’t come last. Because the truth is, that putting my kids first in the lineup makes me happy. It makes me proud, it makes me feel like the Mom I want to be. That is not going to change. And so I need to figure out how to shift around other things in my life so that our relationship is given the nurturing it also needs to grow and bloom. It’s a constant learning experience. Because truth be told, what good is it to make sure your kids are doing great while having them witness a parental relationship that isn’t doing just as well?
I know in my own marriage, I’ve been guilty of taking my bond with my husband for granted. I mean he is legitimately my best friend– nobody knows me better, or makes me laugh harder– and he is really and truly my most favorite person to spend time with. I definitely assume that he knows these things about how I feel for him a lot more than I should. When things with the kids get hectic, and my workload gets piled on top of that, I will oftentimes put our relationship last on my list. Because, honestly, I think to myself: “He can take it.” But why should he? And guess what, when Kyle does the same relegation of prioritizing his relationship with ME, it stings. I feel hurt, and insecure, and resentful. Because in my mind, he needs to (and should) work on our relationship just as much as he works on the other things on his plate. Aaaand clearly this feeling goes both ways! LOL.
Here are some things that we have been implementing to prioritize each other in our relationship:
1. Communicate Instead Of Reacting
It’s helpful most times to voice a feeling at the time you’re feeling it, instead of letting resentments get pent up and lead to vindictive behavior. If my feelings were hurt that he didn’t think of me before planning something, or if I feel relegated, I let him know.– and he does the same. ALSO if there is something I want him to join me for that is really important to me, I am honest about its importance. Neither spouse is a mind reader, so I think it’s good to set your relationship up to succeed rather than fail by being clear about your needs.
2. Spend Time Together Sans Phones
This is a HUGE one for us in our relationship, since Kyle and I both have jobs where we work from our phones and have to stay active on email and on social media. There isn’t a lot of time when we aren’t “on” so to speak. Finding time at the end of the day to unwind without our phones, share some wine, dinner, and have important conversations has been helping us so much to make the most out of our time spent together. Even Date Nights are useless if you’re not focused on each other! We both sometimes have to gently remind each other to put the phones down at the end of the day, but we are always so glad we did.
3. Find A Middle Ground When It Comes To Sex
I wrote a very colorful blog post about sex after baby that you can read here, LOL. But suffice to say that having kids shakes up your intimate “routine” and makes things a bit more complicated for a little while! Having two kids definitely increases both of our exhaustion and we happen to both have a lot on our plates with our careers right now, and that’s ok. But it’s important to connect regularly when it comes to sex in order to keep that connection strong. When it comes to frequency, I think there is a way to find a middle ground and stick to it. Sticking to certain times that we DEFINITELY have sex helps this for us, and then the other times when the mood strikes are bonus! It’s also important to remember that not all sexual encounters have to be full intercourse! If you don’t have time for that, you can find other fun ways to have intimacy.
4. Find Small Moments Of Appreciation
We are both trying to get better at voicing our appreciation for the little things. Sometimes Kyle will swoop in and grab one of the kids when they’re melting down so I can finish doing whatever I had been trying to get done (for the better part of the hour lol) when I didn’t even have to ask him to, and I will just think to myself “Yes! Oh man, you’re the best!” But most of the time that recognition stays in my own mind. We’ve both been working on thanking each other for the little things. Even for the other person’s understanding. The other day Kyle was totally slammed with campaign duties and a bunch of stressful stuff came up with the kids that I had to tackle on my own. While we were brushing our teeth he said “Thanks so much babe for handling all that so well today, I really appreciate how well you’ve been supporting me and picking up the slack while I’m navigating this right now” It made me feel like Wonder Woman and also like I definitely wanted to have sex with him. LOL.
My point is, my relationship is far from perfect, and is constantly changing and evolving. Kyle and I really do want the best for our relationship together, and so we’ve found that it helps to check in and put concerted effort towards the issues we can identify. It’s a process, but one that helps me feel like I’m doing the work that a life built with another person deserves. We’re a work in progress! Do you have any great tips that help you to prioritize your partner and your relationship? Please share them in the comments below!
Wedding photographs by Tec Peteja
Pregnancy Photograph by Nina Suh for Love And Lemonade Photography
Great article. This is something that needs be be thought of again and again and again in relationships. I believe that a marriage should be the top priority above kids for the well being of the family. However, that’s easier said than done and my kids often are placed above my husband. Date nights, instead of thinking how much money we are spending on dinner, babysitter, etc, we now try to think of it as an investment in us. I also highly suggest knowing your and your partner’s love language. My husband’s is touch and words of affirmation. Those are not mine so I have to work very hard to remember to show him love in the ways he recognizes it.
I needed this today! Really been struggling this as of late. I give to our son all the time, and then I feel like I have nothing left over for anyone else (including myself). I know my husband feels second fiddle sometimes, and I really want to make sure he knows he is loved and appreciated.
I think your writing is so great and I don’t want to seem annoying pointing out a typo, but it was at the end so it’s fresh on my mind.. it made me LOL to see you said “while we were brushing his teeth”. For some reason the image of you brushing Kyle’s teeth popped in my head! haha. That aside, I could have written this post exactly myself. I have 2 kids (girl and then boy.. so close to your kids ages!) and the dynamic shifted so much after they were born. Our biggest issue is not verbally saying the appreciation and also letting resentment build up. I am a stay at home mom while my husband works long hours. Sometimes when we hold it in too long and have the “explosion argument” it sadly shifts to who’s job is “harder”. While we both agree they are harder in different ways and just as important, that built up anger makes you spew things you don’t even really mean. Maybe I’ll send this post to the hubby and have him read it! Also.. I would totally save my kids first too. Ha!
You don’t seem annoying, you are annoying. No need to point out a typo on a personal and helpful post.
As mothers we tend to put the kids first no matter what. I was told a while ago, you are a couple. As a couple you have to come first because when the kids grow up and you become empty nesters you’ll still like each other vs. not knowing each other and looking st each other many years later and saying now what? Always making time for each other. Always saying thank you. To this day hubby always says thank you for dinner. It’s much appreciated. If i cook he cleans up and vice versa. Team players.
It’s like you stepped right into my marriage right now, this very week. Thank you for your openness and honesty in a subject that so many want to keep to themselves and keep quiet. No one wants admit they have failures or struggles but it is so important for us to do that. Most times the things we keep secret are also the things we have most in common. I look forward to trying these tips. Thank you again.
Eva,
This post was perfect. My husband and I are first time parents, and I feel like I could have wrote this. It’s definitely nice to know we are not the only couple going through this. Thank you for this post.
Brittany
This is such a great post! I still consider my husband and I to be newlyweds, just celebrated 2 years; and kids are still a couple years off. But, this is definitely something I think about.
I agree with Samantha above, who recommended knowing your partner’s love language. It took some convincing to get my husband to take the test, but it has helped immensely knowing that ‘words of affirmation’ is his love language and that I can make effort to show him love in that way.
Ohhh! What test is this???
The love languages test. It’s free!
Oh I love this! It’s always nice to have a reminder. I’ll be celebrating my ten year wedding anniversary this December, fifteen years together, and I feel like as of late, the kids have gotten all my attention. Our daughter is almost seven, and our son is 2.5 years old. My husband and I have both added to our workload in the last few months and being tired at the end of the day has been the case more often than not. My husband definitely responds to intimacy though, and me making time for that makes me feel like a super hero. Because it makes him so happy! Just a little attention goes a long way!
I think it’s important to remind myself from time to time the reasons I chose to be in this relationship and the reasosns why I love my boyfriend as sometimes I tend to focuse so much on the negatives (“you never..” “you always” lol very unhealthy).
And I also think that besides thanking your partner it’s just as important to say sorry when you’ve hurt the other one. We make a point of not letting the other one hold a grudge for too long and get back on track after a fight.
I loved reading this post, Eva. Thank you! It was helpful to me because I was able to put myself in Kyle’s shoes and my boyfriend into yours. I’m dating someone who has children from a previous relationship, so I have experienced feeling like I’m not a priority when something regarding his children takes precedence. I of course would always want him to be there for them and take care of him, so I have feelings of guilt that I am upset he chooses them over me at times. A different situation from yours, but the steps you laid out about communication and voicing our needs definitely will help me with this!
This is so true. I know exactly what you mean. Stepmomming is NOT easy!!!
Great article, thank you for being so honest. Since becoming a mom almost 3 years ago that is my struggle of putting my son first but at the same time feeling guilty for doing that because I know I am putting my husband and our relationship second. Like you said, communication is key because what is the point of prioritizing and doing everything for your children if you don’t work on your relationship… At the end of the day, the foundation of a strong relationship is what allows one to be able to shift our responsibilities so maintaining and reconnecting with your spouse is essential.
Eva, thank you for sharing. It is surely a topic for us too with two little ones and life in general. I too have heard my husband say “your so patient with the kids but what about me..”
i do think the best way we can model for our children is to be loving towards our husband and to spend time investing in the marriage.
We have tried to every evening- thank your partner. And every evening ask for pardon..
It does make such a difference in being grateful every day..
Eva,
Love this article, thanks for the honesty! I feel like you are writing about Taylor and I. Number 1 problem for us is always poor communication and feeling unappreciated. We used to use a dry erase board which we wrote our “thankful” comments on every night before bed. We both would write 3 things we were grateful from our partner for that day. We would leave it in the bathroom so it was private just for us. When we put our house on the market it was put into a drawer and I think it is time to take it out again!! Thanks for sharing this! Xo
Lauren
Such a great post, once again! Having been married for 10 years this December (so long, yet still so short) and having three kids, I can tell you that we have been through some $h*t. I feel like it’s so important for younger couples to know that – my parents were divorced so I feel like no one told me that. There are times parenting and being married is going to seem so hard. Sometimes you might even wonder if being married is “worth it.” But it always is! There will be times when you are the two strangers passing in the night, but I do believe there is a season for everything and when babies are little it is tough, but it will pass. Stick it out, keep working at it to find your balance. So happy you and Kyle have found yours after kids. You two are the cutest!
Awesome essay! My husband and I are the same, just trying to get through the daily grind with children and jobs and housework, and our relationship gets put on the back burner. There are periods of time when it’s necessary, rough life happens. I heard someone say “you become roommates out of necessity”. It’s easy to do. It’s harder to work on your relationship as you get through life. If you don’t work on your relationship, and your marriage survives, you become empty nesters with nothing in common.
Steve Harvey wrote a relationship book “Act like a lady, think like a man” and the biggest lesson I came away with was “support” your man. In a particular scenario the marriage is traditional, and the wife tells the husband something like “Thank you for working so hard to make this (roof, food on the table, paying bills, dates,etc) all happen for us.” Steve Harvey said the verbal praise and appreciation and recognition builds men up and helps them keep on working hard to provide. It absolutely works both ways! Those rough days are less draining when you both recognize and appreciate each other.
These photos are so precious! You guys were babies ? also, I love the article. I’m a new mom and have been finding it very difficult to handle the stay-home-mom life and find some relationship time as well. Love hearing that I’m not alone in these feelings with my marriage and shifts in priorities. Thank you
Eva-
I recently started following you on Instagram and I have to say that your posts and stories are definitely some of my favorites and are incredibly relateable and funny. This post is exactly spot on. After 12 years married and 3 rambunctious and crazy kids- we are super struggling with these issues! Thx for the tips and keeping it REAL. Am subscribing to the blog now:)
One of my favorite posts ever – across the board, that I’ve ever read!! Being young, successful, responsible and PRESENT parents is hard work and time consuming BUT it takes two to make a family work and being able to admit “falling short” of expectations but willing to address it is unconditional
love. Happiness is where the heart is and if you have a respectful and loving relationship, everything else falls into place ❤️
Such a great share! Thank you for being open! My husband and I are in a similar situation, two kids and feeling the same things. But I love your point of putting work into your marriage, something we constantly do as well 🙂 can’t wait to share this with my hubs! Thank you!
This is so spot on. The crux of arguments with my husband come from one of us not feeling appreciated. It’s a constant challenge. Not only children and work get in the way – but the chance to have alone time – or time with friends. And why does housework count against me in his eyes. Refreshing to know I am not alone and we definitely try to exercise some of the points you made. Thank you for always be honest about your life!
Ah, the growing pains of parenthood. We struggled a lot after our first 2 were born. I think those first 2 are the greatest “stretchers” of self. They teach us so much and make us change. We now have 4 boys and I have to say it’s gotten so much easier with 3 & 4s arrival, as crazy as that sounds. Like you said, intentional communication is key. Comprising is essential. May you be blessed in your marriage and partnership in parenthood!
I can’t explain very eloquently how this post made me feel. My husband and I don’t have kiddos yet, but we have been discussing adoption over the past year and last night I had a little breakdown after finding a box full of baby stuff we had started to gather 6+ years ago. I realized I have very conflicting emotions on the topic and one major one was that I selfishly did not want “us” to fade away. Then I wake up and see your blog post and I want to say thank you!!!
You definitely hit it out of the park with this post! We are experiencing the same thing. We have a daughter who is 16 months old and our lives have changed so much recently. I think we both miss the “old us” at times even though we love being parents. We recently dealt with a d&c similar to your past situation as well. Dealing with all these emotions, in different ways, has brought us closer at times and also created a divide. I love your idea of time “sans phones” which I have also been advocating. Great post, and I will be asking my husband to read it tonight after work!
Hi Eva my name is sóley i just want to say what a amazing article this is your writing is so graceful and I really felt like you were talking about me im not married but i was many years ago i dont have kids but i have been in a few relashionships and everything you said is exactly the truth im so happy that finally someone speaks out about this. It should be talkt about alot more no relationships are perfect and its always work you will be working on your relashionship for the rest of your life. If pepole say that they never fight ore disagree they are hiding somthing and the thing with me ive always been the one who wants to ait down and talk about thing and if Theres a problome lets talk in stead of fighting but ive always had a partner who
Dusent ever want to talk about his feeling ore anything and thats usualy how all my relashionships end cuse the other partner never wants to talk thing threw im also shure that some women can realate to what i mean. But yeah i just really loves reading this you are wonderful keep doing all these good thing with your writing big love from the girl from Iceand 🙂
This is such a wonderful post! I am currently in a long term, committed relationship that is barrelling down the path to marriage. This is such an exciting time for us! I find that we have moments of struggle prioritizing each other in favor of our careers and we aren’t even parents just yet. It’s so important to remember to support, appreciate, and celebrate the one who has chosen to build a life with you and remember that it won’t always be smooth sailing. Thank you for sharing your insights! I will definitely bookmark this for those tough times ahead.
You nailed it with this one!
My husband and I recently had this discussion of how to make “US” work. Both feeling overwhelmed with terrible two’s, work and different sleeping patterns.
I created daily do’s and wrote them on a calendar. He’s been doing them which makes me soooooo happy. He didn’t understand WHY making the bed was a huge deal for me. I explained that our room is my ZEN place and when the bed is made it makes me happy and relaxed. Same goes for chores! If I don’t have help with chores then i have to do them all myself, therefore, NO TIME for you honey 🙂 so he started helping with taking out trash and with the baby. It’s a team effort and totally agree with your point 100%
Thanks for the great advice!
I loved reading the honesty in this as I feel like many women need more open dialogue surrounding this topic in their own relationships…. thank you for sharing. Really beautiful and well said?
I am so glad you wrote this as I am going through this as well. In order for the familial unit to work, we have to work. My husband and I have polar opposite schedules, he works nights and I work days and since we’ve had our son earlier this year, it has been a roller coaster and we’re still working on things. I did concede that I would come home to raise our children for at least 1 year before going back in. Hopefully things will get easier for us.
Great post, but sadly I wish both my husband and I would have followed half of these tips prior to this week. We’re both to blame and may have let things go to far, and now he’s asking for a divorce, something that I know is coming from a place of anger and frustration, but something nonetheless that is internally destroying me. We each took the other for granted and put everything else first except for our relationship, the most important thing that we share that allowed us to create this life that we both love. But a mix of bad communication and stubbornness got us here. All I can hope and pray for is that we can get pass this rough patch.
Oh man, this was one of the best posts! My husband and I have had trouble reconnecting since baby and neither of us knows what to do. Your tips definitely created that platform we’ve been searching for. Thank you!
I’m a Teacher for little Kids, and I can totally agree with what you wrote! When it comes about PTA Meetings, it happend a few Times that I ended up more talking about the Relationship between the Parents than, the Kids. And I always say “Don’t forget that you are still a Couple, you got Kids and your priorities have changed a lot but don’t forget you are still a Couple who needs Time for each other and talk to each other” I also tell them, that when your Kids are in Bed talk a few Minutes about your Kids, but THAN talk about yourself, how your Day went/ what was good or bad, was there something special you wanna share with your Partner about your Day?” Even the smallest things are counting.
When my kids were little it was understood that they were #1, but my hubby was #2. For him, his job was 1 and I was 2. It worked for us. Being 2 wasn’t bad at all—in some relationships others would put work, parents, kids, job, household tasks all before their spouse.
Our children are 12 and 15 (turning 16 in 4 days!) and it has hit us HARD this year, the realization that they are starting to venture out of the nest, and soon it will be just the two of us. Each morning and night. No more chauffeuring to soccer or dance, no more homework, no more laundry on top of laundry on top of laundry. We have absolutely felt exactly what you’ve described, and are trying to prioritize each other more while relishing every second we have with our “babies.” Our focus has been on them for the last 16 years and we both have to remind each other that this all started with just the two of us, and that is what we’ll always be.
Bette Midler has a line in “Parental Guidance” that pops in my head more & more frequently (and makes me cry every time I watch it) – “After your kids grow up… your husband is the one who stays.”
Ava,
Loved this read today and what a great topic.
This too has been a challenge in my marriage. I married young, had my first child, miscarried in between my second child being born a few years later. Both my boys are grown and next year I will be celebrating 25yrs with the same man I started this journey with.
As all married couples will learn, there will be many phases of your married and it will always be work for both parties in balancing it all. It’s whether you both want to work at it, is what will matter in the end. I’m far from an expert as I still have many more years to learn and grow with the man I love.
I’ll try to make this short. I, at one point in my marriage placed my children first and they were my number one priority over anyone! This shifted one day, while watching an episode of Oprah, I can’t remember which episode or who the guest was that day, but the topic was marriage. The segment discussion that made me shift my way of thinking and made me think differently in placing my marriage first was wrapped around below thoughts.
Firstly- I chosen my husband first!!! I married “HIM” and not my “CHILDREN” and I married “HIM for exactly the description you stated in this blog, “He’s my best friend– nobody knows me better, or makes me laugh harder– and he is really and truly my most favorite person to spend time with”.
Secondly- We as a couple together chose to be parents and have children, to add depth, learning, growth, and love into our lives. Also, to add to the next generation of our family trees, and seems to the most expected path after marriage for most.
Thirdly- Your children, my children, everyone’s children “WILL MOVE ON” without us parents and hopefully grown into independent individuals and will start their own path. This next part was key with me!!! So, when your children move on into the world, whom are you left with? Ask yourself that! “IT’S YOUR HUSBAND”, hopefully!!!
My point is, have you or do you want to spent years putting him second to your children? Or, have you or do you want to put the time in and effort in cementing your marriage and putting him first?? “HOPEFULLY” when you find that answer, you both still like each other enough to spend the next chapter of your life together??
Please don’t get me wrong or get the wrong impression on above statements. My children are very important, and many times have taken priority over my husband. Everyday it shifts, with the days tasks, work, life, other family members, personal time etc. etc. My children are now adults and they know they are loved, that we are there for them, that we support them, and that we would drop anything in a moment notice if they needed us. I am most proud that both my boys can stand on their own two feet, stand tall and navigate the world and make their own path, good or bad, and learning from it. As that is the way I had to do it, and appreciative my parents for doing the same thing!
LOVED this post! Such practical and great advice. A much-needed read for this mama.
I think you do fatal mistake. Your relationship with your husband is the foundation of your family. Without putting each other first, yes even before your kids, it won‘t work out in the end. It is important that your husband still feels like no. 1. Women lose themselves in being mommy and they don‘t realize that their relationship needs to be the priority because you also mentioned how your husband feels that he isn‘t the most importan person anymore. Yes, you have little kids and of course they are the source for your unconditional love. But do not forget that they will be gone one day and your big house only has two people living there then: you and your husband.
Great article. I love the honesty in your posts. Most mom blogs out there – they seem so unrealistic. “I woke up at 4 AM, made homemade soap, cooked a Martha Stewart meal, brokered peace in the Middle East all before 5 AM.” I hear the “kids are our number one priority” all the time from parents and it drives me crazy. We hear it from our peers, tv, movies and it we just accept it. We need to start thinking differently. I have eight children and, no matter if you have one child or are veering into Duggar territory, as a mother you identify yourself as a mother and forget the wife part. Your life is filled with “telling” people what to do all day that when you finally spend time with your husband you just want that relationship to be one that you don’t need to work on. Parents forget that one day your kid(s) will leave your home to start their own lives without you and if you have been so caught up in your children, then 20 years from now you’re looking across the table at a stranger since you didn’t grow together. You didn’t work as a team. I think that’s why you see couples divorce after their kids are grown.
First and foremost, do small things here and then. Compliment your partner on his or her looks, get him or her some nice little gift… Little touches that can bring you so much closer!
We’ve married the last year, now we’re talking about having kids. I’m pretty scared of that thought, but… maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m afraid for our relationship?