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Disappointment, Fear, Gratitude & Growth

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Monday was a pretty hard day.  It wasn’t catastrophic, nothing absolutely terrible happened, and everyone I love is still standing.  Those are the important things.  But on Monday, I had a disappointment that brought up a lot of feelings and made me realize a few things about how I’m ACTUALLY doing these days.

I’ll start from the beginning.  As you may or may not know, when you decide to Homebirth, and proceed through the process with Midwives, you receive a lot less ultrasounds.  In fact, you receive two ultrasounds: one at around 10 weeks, and one at 20 weeks for your anatomy scan.  If there isn’t a specific medical reason for them to check on the baby after that, then that’s pretty much it.  Since I switched to Homebirth late in the game during my pregnancy with Marlowe, I happened to have a lot more than two ultrasounds.  I had like ten. I love ultrasounds– I find it so fun and amazing to watch my baby growing and to get a peek in to his or her little world.  While I was in labor with Marlowe, I kept holding an image of her in my mind from the last ultrasound we had with her, and it really helped me visualize and see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel during my SUPER LONG birthing experience.  I just felt so connected with Marlowe during that pregnancy– besides the fact that I was seeing her a lot more on the ultrasound screen, I was also going to prenatal yoga twice a week, reading about pregnancy and labor nonstop, and spending lots of quiet moments daydreaming about what my baby and Motherhood would be like.  By the time the day came to bring her in to the world, I felt strong and prepared–  I was confident in the bond I already had with my baby.

Cut to my second baby (and third pregnancy) and things are just a teeeeny bit different from that first go around.  Like, as different as Strawberries and Bacon.  I have been having such a harder time connecting with my pregnancy and with my baby this time around– mainly because I literally do not have the time in the day.  Now I have a toddler, I have a business, I have a house that I’m designing and renovating.  I have a cross country move to a town I’m unfamiliar with.  What I definitely don’t have is free time and what I’m definitely NOT doing is laying around daydreaming– about anything.  I know that this experience isn’t unique, of course.  Almost every second time Mama I know could go on and on about how much more hectic and removed the second pregnancy feels than her first.  But as somebody who used every ounce of the strength of my connection with my baby to get through the intensity of my first labor experience, I can’t help but feel a little nervous about making sure that I cultivate some kind of emotional handle to hold on to during my next birth.  Homebirth is really intense and now that I “know what I’m getting myself in to” I know not to mess around.

I’m a planner, of course, and so I knew exactly what I’d do! When I was just 20 weeks pregnant– after a happily successful 20 week anatomy scan ultrasound– I made an appointment for a 3D ultrasound that I would have at 30 weeks pregnant.  I set it on my calendar, circled the day, and literally have thought about it every single day since.  I’m not exaggerating when I say I counted down the days.  Why? Because after everything we’ve been through recently, our big move, and the hectic nature of life these days, seeing my baby son’s face on a TV screen IN 3D (!!!) became the most glowing carrot at the end of the stick.  I wondered what he looked like– would he be just like his sister? Would he look exactly like me or Kyle, or be some kind of mix? What kind of cute things would he be doing in there when we finally saw him? Is it possible that he would already be sucking his thumb like Marlowe? Any time I had moments of stress in the last ten weeks, I thought about finally having some pictures of my little boy to hold in my hands and I immediately felt better.  I feel like you know where this is going…

On Monday, the day of my 3D ultrasound appointment, I lay down on the exam table and watched for an hour on the screen while my son faced towards my back with his arms over his face.  That was it.

I tried everything.  I ate candy from a basement vending machine! I did yoga! I walked around! I moved the chair up down and sideways! I turned on both sides! I talked to him! I sang to him! I drank cold water!  We jiggled my belly with the ultrasound wand! But nothing made him move.  He was lounging and cozy just where he was, and he wasn’t going to show his face to us for anything.  During all of this, I had the strangest feeling.  The entire day I had been feeling particularly emotionally raw and had just chalked it up to excited nerves that it was finally the day to “meet” our son.  But as more time passed and the baby wouldn’t turn, I began to feel desperate, even childlike.  I felt like a kid who lost their Mom in the department store– I had a nauseous pit in my stomach and every light seemed too bright, every person too loud.  I could feel the ache of tears in the back of my throat as I quietly pleaded with the ultrasound technicians to “let me try one more thing”.  They were really nice about it, but as the time slowly reached an hour and my bag of tricks expired, they turned to me with pity in their eyes and told me it just wasn’t going to happen today.

The cherry on the top? The baby is also Breech.  They encouraged me to make an appointment in four to five weeks time to check on the Breech positioning and try again for a picture.  So now I wasn’t only leaving without the pictures I had been dreaming about for almost three months, but I also got to leave with the anxiety that I somehow needed to convince this kid to turn completely upside down.  Fantastic.  While I made my appointment for the end of September with the receptionist, I could feel the hot tears in my sinuses and behind my eyes.  I clenched my teeth and prayed that I could make it out of the office before I totally fell apart.  Outside of that office building, in my hot and messy car, I had a complete meltdown.  I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt so disappointed, so let down, and so worried.  I wanted so badly to have a picture of my baby in my hands, I wanted my baby to be positioned “normally”,  but what I also wanted was to feel that all of this work I had been doing– all of this growing and caring and carrying– was turning in to something great.  I needed that affirmation, and I didn’t feel like I had gotten it.  I hadn’t cried like that in a long, long time.  I started taking deep breaths to calm myself down, and what started presenting itself to me was Fear.

What I suddenly realized was how scared I was not to have those pictures.  I think I had been associating my prenatal bond with Marlowe so much with the success of my labor and delivery that the idea of not forming the same kind of bond with my son was making me fear that things wouldn’t turn out the same way.  This intense but amazing birthing experience that I’ve been planning for the past thirty weeks? All of a sudden, I was scared that I couldn’t do it.  That I wouldn’t be able to make it through.  I had so clearly envisioned all the tools I needed to “go in to battle” during this labor, and I had emerged instead from my appointment with no image of my unborn son to visualize with and a malpositioned baby.  If I’m being honest with myself, I can see now that the hectic-ness of this pregnancy had been adding to this insecurity the entire time– that somehow because this pregnancy was so different than my first, that it would mean that my labor would be worse than my first and that my bond with my child would be worse than my first.  I allowed myself to really feel those fears for the first time in eight months.  In my heart, I just felt lost.  The internal strength that I usually feel had disappeared.  I felt weightless, spent. I felt like somebody could have scooped up my entire body with one swoop and put me in their pocket.  I felt small.  I reached for my phone to text my husband, and I looked at the date on the screen:  August 15th.

It was exactly one year to the day of my Miscarriage.  I froze. A huge wave of sadness washed over me and I finally knew why my heart and my body had been on edge all day.  I didn’t know how I hadn’t remembered that date.  Clearly my body had remembered, and had been holding on to anxiety and feelings about it all day long.  There are so many things that happen during a pregnancy after a loss– the growth of a new life, of course, but also the acceptance of what could have been but wasn’t.  The physical healing, and the emotional healing as well.  Our bodies are incredible vessels for our even more incredible souls– but we are making a mistake if we think that we are in charge of them.  Our bodies do so much without us asking it of them– they carry us through life and work even while our minds are restful or sleeping.  Our bodies remember their own histories just as our minds do.  In that moment I understood that I had hardly been giving my pregnant body enough credit, had hardly thanked it enough for all that it had gone through on that heartbreaking day a year ago– and for all that it has accomplished and endured since. I’ve had a lot of judgements for my body during this past year, and not nearly enough gratitude.

I may have a more chaotic life than I did during my first pregnancy– but my body knows what it’s doing.  It can show up for me when I need it, and it can work wonders no matter how many times I’ve seen my child’s face before his birth.  All of a sudden, I knew that I had to find a way to change my thinking.  I had just lay down on a table in a doctor’s office, watching my perfect and healthy baby boy rest peacefully in his Mama’s belly.  He didn’t want to move– because he was happy right where he was.  He trusts me, he believes in the safety of my womb, and I need to find a way for that to be enough– to trust myself as much as my son already does.  I’m so very lucky, a year after our terrible loss, to be growing our third baby in my belly.  Nothing can take that gift away from us, no matter how few minutes in the day I have to celebrate him before his birth.  It’s a tricky thing to deal with disappointment, especially when it comes to something you’ve been counting on for so long– but I think that re-framing it from a place of Gratitude really helps.  Now I’m determined to trust my body and my son unconditionally– to understand that they have wisdoms that my mind does not, and that they alone will guide me through my birthing journey.

Pregnancy is a really raw and emotional time for any woman.  It’s important to check in with yourself often and ask yourself how you’re REALLY doing.  How are you ACTUALLY feeling? Even if you don’t share your feelings with the world (or even your partner), just the acknowledgement of the areas you’re struggling in can bring along a lot of relief.  Birth and emotion are tightly intertwined– that mind/body connection is incredibly powerful.  I hope that this experience reminds me not to allow the chaotic demands of everyday life to get in the way of the communications from my inner, more quiet voice.  It’s OK to be upset when things don’t go as we planned, we’re only human.  Let’s just try not to forget how many even more magical things might be waiting for us outside and beyond our plans…

 

xoxo

EAM

 

 

Photograph by Anel Dzafic

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51 Comments

  1. Nannick says:

    What a beautiful, powerful post. Thank you for the reminder (and for sharing)

    08.17.16Reply
  2. Jessica says:

    You maybe have already done this but just in case…my baby was also breech. I so desperately wanted a natural childbirth so wanted to try anything possible to flip her and it worked. Find a chiropractor that does the Webster method. I did this plus regular acupuncture appointments with moxabustion and she flipped Within a week. The website spinning babies also has a ton of positions to try. Best of luck!!

    08.17.16Reply
    • Hi Jessica! Thank you for this! My doula sent me the spinning babies website as well, such great info! Going to make some chiropractor appointments also 🙂

      xo
      EAM

      08.17.16Reply
  3. Breann says:

    I had my first on 10/19/14 and my second 7/6/16. I also had some major life changes like moving at 7 months. I like you felt the disconnection, lack of time and sad really for most of my second pregnancy. I also had just 2 ultrasounds and was so terrified something was wrong with the baby as I couldn’t see him, just felt him. I felt this impending doom that baby #1 would hate her brother and not adjust to sharing her time. I dreaded labor this time as the first was so brutal. You know what though, it was all new mom unwarranted worry, my worries were completely unfounded. Labor was a million times easier, not only faster but each pain and sensation you remember and realize you’ve done it before, nothing is wrong, it’s normal pain getting you closer to the end. First time you panic with each pain as its new but second time you realize you got this. I’m sorry to read of your worries but I know you will totally excel and everything will be okay. It might not be your exact birth plan but you can handle whatever comes your way. Our first kids are pretty close in age so my worry on sharing parent time was another useless worry. I expected toddler tantrums, but after the first day I got a sister who says I love you to her brother and kisses and holds stuffed animals over his head rocking them and singing for him. You will do great and these worries will be gone in a few months.

    08.17.16Reply
    • Hi Breann,
      Thank you SO much for your kind words and encouragement! I really needed this today. I especially love your description of labor the second time around– you’ve inspired me to be less nervous and more trusting of my past experiences to guide me! Thank you so much!!

      xoxo
      EAM

      08.17.16Reply
  4. Katie Morene says:

    Thank you for your honest and vulnerable sharing. I love the reminder that while fear can knock us down and derail our hearts, we can still look at our experiences and our world with gratitude.

    08.17.16Reply
  5. Lauren R says:

    I so needed this today. I’m currently pregnant with my first child (a boy too!) and 30 weeks along as well. My boy was breech at my 28 week 3D ultrasound as well (and I think he still is)… This post perfectly captures how I’ve been feeling as well. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you for your honest and vulnerable post!

    08.17.16Reply
  6. Rachel says:

    I went through something similar at my last ultrasound, I had been holding onto seeing my boy’s little face and picturing him before I could hold him – but due to his position and my fluid, they couldn’t get a picture and I was devastated.
    I’m glad that you found a way to refocus and see it through a different light, you have such a way with your words that connect to so many people.
    All the best with your move and the last part of your pregnancy xx

    08.17.16Reply
    • I’m so sorry you had to go through this too 🙁 It’s so frustrating. I hope you get a great picture soon!

      08.17.16Reply
  7. Shar says:

    You are a very wise & strong mama, and you will be fine. My son was also in a breech position, and so “mellow” that they literally put a ticking alarm clock on my belly to see if he would move. He jumped a little, but went right back to the same spot! I think it’s a guy thing–picture teen years with that same position, but on the couch! (By the way, my doc was a lovely Asian lady who believed in natural methods. She encouraged me to sit cross-legged on the floor as often as I could & massage my belly to encourage my baby to move position. It worked for me. I think he just wanted to move on his own time.)

    08.17.16Reply
  8. Melissa says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this post. I had 2 miscarriages before having my son. During my pregnancy with my son I never felt completely bonded or connected to him and I guess I chalked it up to the anxiety associated with the miscarriages and then at our anatomy scan I was informed he was breech. My midwife assured me there was plenty of time for my little buddy to flip and in my third trimester during an exam she informed us he was head down! Well flash forward to 38 weeks and being in back labor for 5 hours when I’m suddenly informed my baby is still breech and I will need a csection. I was completely heartbroken. The vaginal delivery I had envisioned was suddenly ripped away and I was given medication to stop the labor and I felt cheated in some way. I also felt so alone in feeling this way as everyone in my support system kept telling me it shouldn’t matter how the baby was brought into the world as long as he got here safely. Flash forward 25 months later when I delivered my daughter VBAC and it was an instant connection and bond that I will never forget. I’m 34 weeks pregnant with another boy and we are building our dream home and living with inlaws and believe me this pregnancy has definitely been an emotional roller coaster. Having toddlers, an altered living situation and being pregnant can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. I have days where I’m excited and days where I feel overwhelmed and disappointed. Thank you for keeping it real, EAM!

    08.17.16Reply
  9. Cat says:

    Beautiful as always Eva. I cried along with you because I had so many of these same feelings in both my first and second pregnancies. With my first daughter I had a retro-placental bleed. It was incredibly minor and she was fine but I was terrified that I had done something horribly wrong only 8 weeks in. Then when the little stinker was born she had inhaled poo and had to be in the NICU for four days. Those were the longest four days of my life and it was horrible to leave the hospital without her. When we decided to try for a second child we were having a lot of issues with my brother-in-law and his drinking so it really wasn’t a good time. I am on anti-depressants that I stopped taking for both my pregnancies and when it took longer than I though it should to get pregnant the second time (happened first try with my first) after three or four months I had a similar break down and said I just couldn’t do it anymore. We took a year off and tried again. Second try worked but I had moments of absolute terror that something would happen to my little girl like it had her sister. Like I would do something wrong and labor and delivery wouldn’t go the way I was hoping. That she wouldn’t be ok. Turned out she was fine but she flipped breech on us after 6 hours of labor and I had to have a c-section because there was nothing left to turn her with as my water had been broken already. I was 8 days over due and just wanted her out and healthy. It all worked out in the end and I have two of the happiest, healthiest, sweetest, smartest girls in the world. My older daughter is almost 7 and will start first grade in a few weeks. My “baby” girl just turned 3 so it’s been fun to watch Lowie follow in her little learning and growing path about a year behind. You are an amazing mother Eva. The love you have for those around you is infectious and it makes my heart happy to share with you.
    XO
    Cat

    08.17.16Reply
  10. Elizabeth Perry says:

    My little boy was transverse and didn’t turn head down until 35 weeks – it may have happened naturally but i used peppermint oil to massage/encourage him to move. worth a shot! i was freaked out too but my midwife told me he had plenty of time to move when they noted his poor positioning at 30 week check. good luck!

    08.17.16Reply
  11. Ally says:

    I truly appreciate your raw honestly.We are all human and have days like this.I live in Canada and we only receive two ultrasounds unless it’s medically needed.Ultrasounds are exactly the safest so I’m puzzled why would would have 10 for a healthy baby?? I too longed to see my sons face but I pushed through it and it made the moment I met him all more special.Second time mommas rarely connect with the second baby while pregnant since like you said your just too busy,doesn’t mean you don’t care you just don’t have the same fears or time to day dream about it.

    08.17.16Reply
  12. Chelsea says:

    What a lovely post and so incredibly true. Thanks for sharing and I highly recommend acupuncture. Our son was breech at 35 weeks and he turned the day after I went. Good luck!

    08.17.16Reply
  13. Chelsey says:

    I can’t tell you how much I relate to this. I am 26 weeks pregnant with my second baby, my fourth pregnancy overall. I miscarried the first time before conceiving my daughter just over 2 years ago, and miscarried my third almost exactly 2 years to the day after going through it the first time.
    With my daughter I was so appreciative of this new life, we were over the moon and enjoyed every little kick, hiccup and stretch mark! This time I’m busy chasing my daughter, I barely have time to realize if baby has moved today or not, and I’m so incredibly scared this time around for so many reasons…I don’t even know where to start. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do this, I’m afraid I won’t be enough to be a mother to both of them when most days I feel like I’m just giving enough for my first born. Trusting the process this time around is harder for me because I know what’s coming..the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding struggles, the bonding (it took so long for me to bond with my daughter once she was born, cue the mom guilt).
    Just reading this post made me feel like I’m not so alone, which is a huge deal as these days I’ve been internalizing all of my fears.

    08.17.16Reply
  14. Chantal says:

    After a successful all natural delivery with my 1st baby (son), I too found out that my 2nd baby was 100% breech. I found out very early and we continued to monitor it throughout. I tried many different methods, including ECV. But nothing worked. I was beyond devastated. My dreams of another all natural delivery were taken away from me and I had no control over any of it. I remember the feelings as though it was yesterday. Funny enough, my water broke at home for this baby and was rushed in for an emergency section. Fast forward to today, we will be celebrating our daughters 4th birthday at the end of September. While it was such a difficult time for me, the end result was a beautiful baby girl. I was ever so grateful to have her arrive safe and sound. Forever grateful 🙂 Keep trying those methods to turn your boy! Good luck!

    08.17.16Reply
  15. Courtney says:

    Great post! I believe every pregnancy brings different emotion and experiences. Having had twins I had like 200 ultrasounds and hated it. The first couple ultrasounds you know you’re excited but then really it’s not good for the baby/babies, it’s not good for you, the whole pregnancy was a lot different having had twins, our whole birthing plan went out the window- so long midwives and home birth you’re now considered ‘high risk’ with multiples 🙄. Moving makes things hard as well. We moved a year from Seattle to a not so exciting town by the Canadian border, the twins were about a year and a half old. It has been a rough transition especially after transitioning to being a new mother to twins. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. Wish you the best, I hope you can find little moments in the day when Marlowe is asleep where you can meditate and spend time with the lil guy 😊.

    08.17.16Reply
  16. Liz says:

    Aww so sorry you had a hard day! I know exactly what you are feeling…once you hold your baby in your arms the second one is almost like a little stranger in there…how will you love this baby the same way? The amazing thing is…you just do! You will do whatever it takes to safely deliver your baby because of that fierce love, and you will bond perfectly with that beautiful boy 🙂

    08.17.16Reply
  17. Annie says:

    Thank you for being such an amazing communicator. I too, have suffered recent miscarriages and I find your blog to be a great source of comfort, information, enjoyment, distraction, etc! Here’s to a healthy & happy delivery of your little boy!

    08.17.16Reply
  18. Cat says:

    Dear Eva,

    July 4th is a rough date for me…it’s both the day I found out I was expecting my beautiful daughter 5 years ago…but also the day I lost a baby 2 years ago. This year I thought of that baby with love and a pang of sadness in my heart. But in my arms I held the most amazing 11 month old rainbow baby boy one could dream of!

    When baby boy Martino arrives and you hold him in your arms, the sadness in your heart will grow milder and the love (that you are currently questioning how could you love anyone as much as you love Marlowe) will make your heart double in size!!

    sending love your way!

    -Cat

    08.17.16Reply
  19. Glenda says:

    Hugs to you mama. This morning I woke up weepy. I wasn’t sure why. After reading this post it clicked. Thank you!

    08.17.16Reply
  20. Nikki says:

    Thank you for sharing such a personal post!

    I was put on bed rest at 25 weeks with my son so I can truly relate to feeling like you have an infinite amount of time to bond with your baby. With that said, he was also breech and a whopping 9lbs so he had very little room to take his tumble! I too am a plan-a-holic and when I finally realized it was out of my hands I was such a mess. The thought of doing anything other than what I wanted for my birth plan was really hard to come to grips with, but in the end I had to force myself to give in to my body and let it do what it was created to do. The most important thing to remember is that they will come into this world how they want/when they want! Some entrances are just a little more grand.

    08.17.16Reply
  21. Areth Tsouprake says:

    Your writing is so moving, I felt all of your emotions with you, I even got goosebumps. I am glad that you have found more peace and gratitude, it inspires me to find my own gratitude.

    08.17.16Reply
  22. Ashley says:

    Tears and hugs! I soooo get this. I have 3 beautiful boys (and one sweet one we lost to a miscarriage). It is remarkable what we carry in our very cells – grief, joy, pain, fear, peace. Our bodies KNOW. I can also tell you that each pregnancy (and birth) can be so different. It took me a few days to really bond with my first, seconds with my second, and a few weeks with my last (mainly due to the trauma of a crazy fast and early delivery). All that to say, be kind, be kind, BE KIND to yourself. Lean into the sorrow and joy. And in the end picture yourself with that precious baby boy.

    08.17.16Reply
  23. Corlin says:

    There is someone wonderful in the valley. Karla at Two Hearts Yoga. I have countless friends who’ve seen her for prenatal chiro/acup. I believe she also had both of her children at home. I just started to see her, but have friends her trek from the South Bay to see her.

    08.17.16Reply
  24. Stephanie says:

    My daughter was in a breech position for most of my pregnancy, however, she ended up turning into the delivery position about 2 weeks before she delivered. My doctor really helped me keep calm and told me that every pregnancy is different and not to worry or stress about it. We would worry about it when the time came. It was hard not to think about it but I pushed it out of my mind and it ended up working out – she was just moving on her own time. I know it’s really hard but try to relax as much as you can!

    08.17.16Reply
  25. Amanda says:

    I can relate to this post so much, for a lot of reasons. I’m 36 almost 37 weeks prego with my second and she just, I mean just turned. I did spinning babies, and meditated and visualized … Talked to my baby and I think all of combined really worked. She’s head down as of a week ago (yay!) baby boy will get there I know it. 💞

    08.17.16Reply
  26. Melanie says:

    I have been following your posts since September of last year, when we had our own miscarriage. It was just a month after yours and I felt like I could relate to everything you said, especially at that time. Then we became pregnant again in December. It seemed so soon but we were so excited, cautiously excited, of course. But then, just like you described, your emotions catch up with you out of nowhere and at times still take your breath away and the tears come with no warning. Pregnancy after loss is so complicated and it’s so hard to describe the crazy realm of emotions that are felt. You feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to even be pregnant again, yet terrified that something will happen again. Well, fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I stopped feeling him move, at all, went to be checked out, and a couple hours later were told we would be having our baby that night, and soon. Not at all what we expected and certainly not what I had planned all those months – my normal doctor who had followed us the entire pregnancy was not on call, I had not researched c-sections as much as I had hoped to before our planned one (which was still weeks away), and we didn’t even bring our hospital bags! But everything went exactly as it should. Our doctor was absolutely amazing, the c-section went so well and they walked us through every step of it (including the much anticipated moment of learning our baby was a boy!) and our parents brought our bags. 🙂 But most importantly – he is here, safe and sound, and currently snoozing on my chest as I type this. And now we can’t imagine his story being any different than the way it turned out. So thanks for sharing your story and I hope ours gives you a little solace as well in return. Prayers for the rest of your pregnancy and birth!

    08.17.16Reply
  27. My heart goes out to you. I’m so glad you were able to find some peace. I send prayers to you and your little boy for health, peace and love. You seem a great person and your babies are lucky to have such a mama and papa. Love to you

    08.17.16Reply
  28. Vicky says:

    Oh Dear Eva
    My Beautiful Boy was breach too – my third child – our surprise blessing after many years – our Rainbow Baby after a miscarriage 4 years prior. I had delivered my previous 2 vaginally and did not want a csection after all this time and with such a blessing. I tried a yoga move that you get on all fours and rock – I googled everything that was safe to get this little bugger to turn around & thankfully he did & we were able to deliver after a long labor and a big healthy boy.

    What my long rant is getting at is I believe your beautiful boy will turn for you and you will be able to deliver the way you want. Have a quiet talk with him;) and do some breach excercises and we will all pray for you both 🙏🏻💙and as far a him hiding his face maybe he’s a little more shy than his exuberant big sister… Hugs to you!

    08.17.16Reply
  29. Shahed S. says:

    Hi Mrs. Martino:

    This was another beautifully written article. It made me think about how precious life is, and how we need to respect the physiological process of birth. The way that you wrote about your feelings was so beautiful, I could sense in the words the connection and love you have with your child. I’m a guy so I will never know the difficulty of pregnancy, and the emotions it entails. When I was four, my mother went through a miscarriage, and I remember how difficult it was for her. I always think about my potential brother, and who he would have turned out to be 🙂 I will send positive thoughts and pray for you to have a continued smooth and joyful pregnancy, and I know you will 🙂

    08.17.16Reply
  30. Chelsea says:

    Your true honesty is heart warming. Many blessings to you and your family.

    08.17.16Reply
  31. Amanda says:

    I have never been to your website before, I’ve never even been pregnant. I found a link to this page through an Instagram post. Many of my friends are having children and I am really enjoying watching their lives change and families grow.

    What you wrote is so touching and universal. Every woman, every person, struggles with how to confront the uncertain future. We make plans and we worry and we break down every now and again. You are strong and brave and I wish you a heathy birth and a happy family. You can do it!

    08.17.16Reply
  32. Angela Hutzal says:

    Hi Eva,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your fears! It is so refreshing to see people be vulnerable and true. Your post brought back so many emotions in me, reliving all of my ultrasounds with all 4 of my kids😬 My biggest fears with each was could I love another as much as my first, second, third and can I even handle another baby??? Yes, yes and yes! It’s such an emotional time with a lot more questions and unknowns than answers. But trust in the knowledge that you are their mother. Mothers just know and if they don’t they figure it out. And the bonding is there even if you don’t feel it yet. It’s him knowing the sound of your voice, it will be him knowing its you by your touch and your smell. And it will be in the quiet moments alone that your bond will be undeniable. Trust me I know, I’m a mom❤️

    08.17.16Reply
  33. Kolyssa says:

    Wow! A very honest and well written post. I had a lot of similar feelings with my second child. And just like you, my first I had a ton of ultrasounds, and with my second I had only two. And the 20 week one she was covering her face so I couldn’t get that sneak peek 🙁 But I can say, now that she’s a 1 year old, I can look back and realize that all my worries and fears during my pregnancy with her are nothing compared to the pure joy and love I have from being her mama and seeing her interact with her big sister. I’ve never been so happy in my life. 💕 Blessings on the rest of your pregnancy and your birthing experience!

    08.18.16Reply
  34. Nicole says:

    “Pregnancy is a really raw and emotional time for any woman.” YES, YES, YES! I have been a hot mess on and off throughout this pregnancy and I have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to fear the unknown, but it is just as important to look forward to the millions of amazing memories I am going to create with my little boy. Loved this post – makes me feel so much better knowing I am not alone.

    08.18.16Reply
  35. Lauren says:

    Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. I am currently pregnant after having 2 miscarriages and am going through some very similar emotions. It’s good to know I’m not alone:)

    08.18.16Reply
  36. Carol says:

    Eva,
    Our baby girl was also breech at week 36. My dr told me I had 2 options: scheduled C section or ECV – neither which sounded pleasant. We prayed and did all of the flipping baby techniques: eating warm/cooked foods, no icy/smoothies, placing a hot pack near nether regions/cold at top of belly, laying upside down on an ironing board, 4 chiropractic appts and 5 accupuncture treatments in 6 days…I was in a hurry because of the holidays and so close to delivery. Good news…on Christmas Eve we had an u/s and she was head down, Praise the Lord. There are things you can do to get that little guy in position…and if he doesn’t want to move, it’s ok too. Stay positive! And congrats to you on the Bubba!!!
    P.s. I knew Kyle from his espn days (my maiden name is mayer) and I rented from your bro-in-law Wes when I moved back to Chicago. Small world.

    08.18.16Reply
  37. Jen says:

    I suffered a miscarriage between my first and second child.. I get emotional as well on the date of my miscarriage every year. My daughter was breech and I desperately wanted a natural birth. What worked for me and (I tried everything) was swimming and doing forward and backward rolls under water. Good luck, it will all be good!

    08.18.16Reply
  38. mary says:

    thank you for sharing your story. i’m sure you were very frustrated that you were not able to fully see your son. i think it’s so important for you, and women like you, to remember that you are SO INCREDIBLY LUCKY! many woman will never see the image of their baby on an ultrasound screen. many will never even see a positive pregnancy test. i am 10 weeks pregnant and like you, thankful for every single image of my unborn child i am fortunate to see. but it took us 4 years to get here and we never knew if we’d see a single one, or have a baby at all for that matter. you have had healthy, easy (i’m assuming) pregnancies and you are so very blessed. isn’t it better to appreciate the children you’ve brought into the world rather than focus on something a bit trivial? your son’s squishy, in-the-flesh, beautiful and unique face will be enough and you will never remember this sad moment.

    08.19.16Reply
  39. Brittney says:

    I stumbled upon your blog because I was looking for encouragement after suffering a miscarriage. I just lost our baby at seven weeks due to an ectopic pregnancy. Not only did I lose our baby but I also had to go through a very traumatic experience and surgery.
    I have all the fears you listed moving forward. Right now, I try to take it one day at a time, but even that seems hard.
    Thank you for writing your story. Sadly, but in a way comforting, we share the date of losing our babies.
    I’m happy to hear that you are pregnant. That encourages me.

    Thank you.

    08.21.16Reply
    • Hi Brittney,
      I’m so very sorry for your loss. And I’m so sorry that the experience was so difficult and traumatic for you– I can totally relate. Be gentle with yourself right now and take your time to grieve. Sending you all my best

      xoxo
      EAM

      08.22.16Reply
  40. Angela says:

    For me, motherhood is about learning to overcome disappointments – from the mundane to the life altering. It is about learning to embrace Plan B (and sometimes C and D). I hope you get that picture soon.

    08.21.16Reply
  41. Laura D says:

    Eva, my sister had a breech baby.. was told she was going to have a c-section but she ended up delivering naturally. She tried everything to get the baby to turn, but what she really believes helped in the end were her chiropractor visits. Do you see one? I know it’s not a guarantee, but it’s worth trying!!! 🙂

    08.22.16Reply
  42. katie says:

    This is beautiful! could you also write an article summarizing some of your Q&A Answers from SnapChat the other day? you know.. in your spare time 😉

    I am reusing the quote about how baby #2 is a gift to your baby #1. We JUST found out we are expecting and have our 20 month old at home and I am FTFO. : |

    you gave me SO much peace of mind, ironically, the night before I found out I was pregnant!

    08.25.16Reply
  43. Risa says:

    Hi Eva,
    I’m super late to reading this post (went back to work last week after maternity leave), but wanted to thank you for your honesty, and for providing a forum for so many women to share their feelings.

    My baby was breech at 30 weeks, and just before I was about to schedule some chiropractor and acupuncture appointments to see if we could flip him, my husband googled some simple things that we thought were worth trying at home.

    We’re huge music fans so one tip we read seemed like fun – and it worked! We played some music on headphones down where we wanted his head to be, and he started reacting and kicking. 20-30 minutes later, I felt him moving in a way that I never had before. I was convinced he was turning, but wanted to wait for the doc to confirm. And at the next appointment they confirmed he was indeed head down.

    It’s an easy thing to try just to see what happens.

    But no matter what, you and your baby will love one another so much. Best of luck to you.

    (p.s. Speaking of my husband above, he’s a huge Premier league fan (Arsenal) and we love watching Kyle every weekend!)

    08.27.16Reply
  44. Greg Fillmore says:

    Hello Eva,

    Thank you for sharing personally, about your preganancy, you are helping share the opportunity for SO many women, as well as men, who have lost a child to a miscarriage.

    You are being with doing ALL of the right things, with diet, supplements, nutrition, work family balance, moving to be near your husbands work HAS probably helped so much, like lifesavers, with your favorite apple, I like york mints with a symphony bar, but still on the search for that renaisannce lady whose kiss is like the best fruit flavor, but you can hold her too!

    I have to be reminded by friends mostly, or my mother reminding me from the higher energy frequency, “Budly, your experience in life starts with your foundational thought energy.

    Humbly take a look, on youtube, to see the Japanese scientists experiment about a note posted on two square cubes of water, one saying “love” the other saying “hate” in Japanese, English.

    My sister miscarried more than once, we have talked about that, SO hard. Observationally that you are choosing everything reasonable, to make sure, not another miscarriage happens.

    Just know you have a man as a distant aquantance here, who admires your wisdom, humor, with equally your acting works, who is so appreciative for this blog, you are helping SO many people.

    Your youngster will be fine, can’t wait to see pictures with the rest of the co leaders here at your superior blog.

    Eva it would be SO neat, when you feel the calling, with the timing right, to be in a screwball comedy.

    I LOVE Woody Allens films, just humbly thinking out loud, you have snap crackle pop comedic timing just like your mother. “Imm from Neew Jeeersy, living heeere is like liivving at Diiisneyland.

    You are appreciated,

    Greg Fillmore

    08.28.16Reply
  45. Kacie Emmett says:

    What a beautiful post. Exactly what I needed to hear today. I am not a mother, and I have not experienced a miscarriage. However, I related so much to the feelings of expectation and disappointment you expressed. You are such a gifted writer and artist. I always look forward to hearing your truth. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    08.29.16Reply
  46. Meike says:

    Dear Eva, thank you so much for this post! Your blog is being read in Germany 🙂
    I came to read it in June after a late miscarriage at 18 weeks. It would have been my 3rd child. For a long time I was so upset and really angry with me and my body. I kept thinking that I simply “couldn’t do it” as this wasn’t my first miscarriage. I had an early miscarriage btw. my first and second child…two out of four – not a very good quota 🙁 What I’ve learned is that changing perspective can change your life! I had a great midwife who helped me understand that my body had shown incredible strength by letting go those of my children who were just not meant to live outside my body.
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and for your honesty about your own loss! I know try to look at both losses with gratitude as they make me a better mom to my two kids that are with me 🙂

    08.30.16Reply