The past two months have taught me that there is so much more I can be doing to be actively anti-racist and to be more actively ally the BIPOC community. I wrote a blog post in the days following George Floyd’s death where I reflected on how wrong I had been thinking that I was supporting my Black friends and family members sufficiently. I was wrong in thinking that not being racist was enough…in fact, I barely understood racism for what it truly is. Now I really see my White Privilege for what it is, and how my entire lens is effected by it. Now I see how I have been part of the problem. Now I see racism everywhere, and as such, I’m committed to learning, growing, and doing better.

Like with most long term, sustainable changes to a lifestyle, those efforts must begin at home and within our own families. One of the first things I knew I needed to do was to talk to my kids explicitly about racism and racial injustice. Even being in a position to CHOOSE how and when to discuss racism with my children is an example of White Privilege. It’s a privilege for me and for them to be able to “discuss” racism instead of experiencing it in a myriad of ways daily. When I started thinking about how I would present racism and racial injustice to my children, I felt so anxious not knowing how to start or what to say. I agonized over the correct way to talk to them, and how to present it in an “age appropriate way”.  Then I majorly checked myself. Imagine being a Black parent of a Black child, having lived through the trauma of racism and racial injustice your entire life, and then having to watch your own child experience the same.

I realized quickly that talking about very real and present issues such as racism and racial injustice will always be uncomfortable and will never feel “right”.  I will stumble, I will need to correct myself.  But this isn’t a one-and-done conversation. In order to create real change and to raise White children who are not colorblind, but who actively see and celebrate all races for who they are, who fight racial injustice when they see it, and who recognize their White privilege and actively work to repair this imbalance – these things take an ENTIRE CHILDHOOD of conversations.  It’s a lifetime of work for all White families interested in real change. We have had books on my kids’ bookshelves for years about Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, and Martin Luther King Jr – but had I explained the context for these books? Had I really made my children understand why those activists and leaders were essential and what exactly they had been fighting against? No, I had not. And that, my friends, is really embarrassing.

The first thing I said to my kids when I sat them down to have our first conversation about racism and racial injustice was that this would be an ongoing conversation. I told them that I was going to talk to them about something that we will keep talking about in our home, and that I encourage them to ask me questions about whenever they’d like.  Today I thought I would share some of the ways I’m talking to my children and teaching them about racism, racial injustice, white privilege, and Black Lives Matter – not because I’m an expert by any means – but because maybe it can serve as a jumping off point for other White families looking to do the same.

I’m also going to share the voice of an inspiring Black educator and mother, Aundrea Tabbs-Smith, who has been kind enough to share resources with us here in this space.  I’m so excited to let you know how she and I are going to continue this conversation together so that we can amplify her message and learn. Please keep reading for all the info!

HOW I STARTED THE CONVERSATION ABOUT RACISM

Race, Racism, and BLM

First, I asked my kids if they knew what the word “race” means.  (They didn’t)

I explained to them that race has to do with the color of a person’s skin.  We talked about the friends and family members in our lives that all have different color skin.  They told me that their own skin is “pinkish”.  I told them that for skin that is pinkish, peach, white, that this is all considered “White”.

Then I asked them if they had ever heard the word “racism”, and if they knew what it meant. (They hadn’t, and they didn’t).  I told them that unfortunately, that people with black or brown skin are sometimes treated very badly because of the color of their skin.  They asked me how. I told them that they get treated in a mean way, are made fun of, disrespected, ignored, or aren’t allowed to do or have certain things because they have black or brown skin. I told them that sometimes, they even get hurt very badly because of the color of their skin.  Then I took a moment and asked them how that made them feel to hear that.  Right away, they connected their friends and loved ones with this realization. Did their school friends and family members get treated this way? I said unfortunately, yes.

Marlowe got very scared, then, and said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I really calmly gave her a big hug and I told her that even though these are really hard things to talk about and hear about that it’s really important we keep talking about it even though it’s scary.  That’s when I told her that racism has been happening all around us for a very long time.  I connected the dots for them about the books we’ve read about Rosa Parks, MLK Jr, and Malcolm X, and the fact that they were working hard to change racism in our country.  I told them a little about segregation and the civil rights movement. I told them that it’s scary for us to hear about and see, but it’s even more scary and infuriating and degrading to live with that prejudice directed against you.

Then I told them about Black Lives Matter.  I told them that even though some things have gotten better with segregation and laws protecting Black and brown people, that the fight is not even close to over.  I explained to them that there is still a lot of violence directed towards people of color, and even by some people who are supposed to be protecting them.  I told them that the good news is that right now, as I was talking to them, lots of people were coming together to protest racism and to fight for Black lives and racial justice.  I told them that justice means Fairness.  Fairness would be people of all races being treated the same, but that they are not treated the same right now.  They said “That’s not fair mom, for some people to be treated bad and some people good.” I told them I agree, and that it’s really important to look out for racism and racial injustice so that we can know how to stand up for what’s right. I told them that the Black Lives Matter movement is happening and people are protesting all over the world trying to make it right.

Then I asked them how they think we can show everyone that we believe Black Lives Matter.  Marlowe wanted to make a sign for our house. So we got some chalk and wrote Black Lives Matter all down our fence in the front of our home. They were really excited to actively do something to show our support.  I left the conversation there for the day, but I noticed that in the next hours and days, Marlowe in particular had a lot of questions about Racism.  She even asked me about some incidents she saw on the playground where she felt one of her friends was being discriminated against.  We talked about how to offer allyship and support in those moments. I also noticed that she started “noticing” race everywhere.  Watching shows, or even driving in the car, she would point out the race of people she saw– especially kids.

CONTINUING THE CONVERSATION

Slavery, and White Privilege

A couple of weeks after our initial conversation, and right in time for Juneteenth, I decided to talk to the kids about Slavery.  Juneteenth served as a really perfect holiday to spark the conversation, and I had bought some books on Juneteenth, the underground railroad, as well as “Henry’s Freedom Box” which outlines the story of a boy named Henry who eventually escapes slavery.  Before reading these books, I talked to them about Slavery itself.  I told them that the way some Black people’s ancestors came to this country was not because they wanted to. It was because they were kidnapped from their families and homes in Africa and brought here to be slaves for white land owners.  I told them that slaves were made to live in terrible conditions, treated very badly, and even beaten. They had to do work for no pay, and were separated from their families.  We talked about the Underground Railroad, Harriet Tubman, Abraham Lincoln, and other topics in the progression towards Abolition. Marlowe especially loved the stories about the Underground Railroad and people working together to help slaves escape.

And then I told them that while Black people were thankfully not allowed to be slaves any longer, that the longest lasting part of slavery was something called White Privilege.  Even though the laws said that  Black people didn’t have to be slaves anymore, there were so many unfair rules that made White people have more power and choices than Black people.  We talked about segregation again, and the civil rights movement.  And then I told them that there are still ways today that White people have more privilege than Black people in many different areas.  That’s why, because we were born white, we have a responsibility to help make sure things are fair.  Nobody is being mean to us or disrespecting us because of the color of our skin, so we can have our voices heard more easily.  I told them hopefully they will see a day in their lifetime when there is more racial justice and people are truly treated equally, White or Black.

I hung up a really cool piece of art that I bought from the artist Erin Rivera that benefitted Black Lives Matter Los Angeles branch.  It’s a photograph of a brown arm and a lighter skinned arm embracing in support.  I love having it as a reminder to myself and to my kids that allyship to the BIPOC community will be an ongoing goal.

EDUCATION FATIGUE

The Need For Black Joy Representation!

A couple of months in to talking to my kids about racism and racial injustice, I noticed the kids pushing back on the books that were arriving.  They didn’t pick them when we selected books at bedtime, and seemed not to want to read them.  I asked Marlowe why, and she looked really sad.  She told me “These books are just so sad, Mama, I don’t like reading them because they remind me that these Black kids and people are hurting all the time.” And that’s when I realized my big mistake. I had made my anti-racist education so focused on injustice that I was failing to show them Black Joy! I was reinforcing a stereotype by showing just one side of the Black experience without showing the beauty of Black culture and Black history…that has roots in a splendor all its own! That’s around the time when I sat down to chat with Aundrea Tabbs-Smith about my interest in raising anti-racist kids and about furthering the conversation.  She is a huge proponent of normalizing Black Joy for young kids and had some great suggestions.  Introducing…Aundrea!

Aundrea Tabbs-Smith is an early childhood site director, a Mama of two, and supporter of revamping elementary school education to include more diversity, and to center BIPOC voices. She also has an awesome service where she creates “Book Baskets” to diversify private libraries with books for kids written by BIPOC authors.  These baskets can be for babies, little kids, or even for certain age groups that you specify in your order. You can order a basket for yourself, or gift one, but I highly recommend DONATING one! If you purchase one and write “donation” she will gift a book basket to a Black/Brown family who could use the support.   

When I spoke to Aundrea about wanting to update my kids’ library to reflect more Black joy, she had a great list of suggestions that are all written by BIPOC authors. Many thanks to Aundrea for supplying this list!

Black Joy by Black Authors

Created by Aundrea Tabbs-Smith

Preschool – Kindergarten…

First – Second Grade…

Third – Fourth Grade…

Photographs by Julia Dags