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Ok. So. We all know about “Mom Shaming” right? I think it’s extended to the underside of any rock that anybody could be living under, so I won’t take time explaining what it is. You know what it is. I’ve been putting off writing my thoughts on the Mom Shaming Phenomenon because I’ve been trying to collect all of my thoughts. Observing, living, and thinking from within my own place as a Mom of almost-two children, and attempting to figure out why so many Women and Moms lash out at each other so bitterly and aggressively. And then this whole Boy-In-The-Gorilla-Pen episode happened recently and the aftermath of that made me think a lot about Mom-Shaming, and why it happens.
This essay isn’t about what happened with the boy and the gorilla, or what should have happened, or zoos, or guns, or anything like that. There are so many opinions and I truly don’t have enough information to take a definitive stance. I’ve heard so many valid positions on both sides. What I find interesting is the absolute skewering of the child’s Mother after the fact, both by the press and by public opinion. Everyone wants to talk not only about what happened, but about her– her parenting, her background, what she was or wasn’t thinking. And what we are all talking about is a Woman who just went through the scariest thing you can ever go through as a Parent– watching your child as their life may be in critical danger. Looking down in to that enclosure, I’m sure she saw her son and didn’t know whether she would ever hold him in her arms alive again. Whether that threat was true or not isn’t the point. How he got there isn’t the point, and whether she is, in fact, a bad mother isn’t the point. To me, the point is that as parents we all have moments when we worry that we are doing it all wrong, when we feel like failures, when our hard work and our planning and our best efforts are all for nothing and we don’t “succeed”. Whether or not we admit it, we have had moments like that– all of us. And then imagine being kicked, taunted, and chastised at your absolute lowest by everyone else. That’s what Mom Shaming feels like.
I had my own personal online (and viral) experience with it this past March, and I was left extremely shocked by it. Sad too, of course, and hurt. I had written a post about an extremely vulnerable experience in my life in which a woman who was taking care of our daughter in my home made a move on my husband while I was away on a business trip (and two months pregnant). As I share about everything else on this blog no matter how imperfect ( Infertility, miscarriage, my own shortcomings as a parent, my unpopular but honest opinion on the first few months of Motherhood, sex after baby, etc) I shared the experience with my readership as it truly felt like a turning point in my life and in my marriage. And sure, I was prepared for the onslaught of public opinion about whether I should share the experience. Of course everyone will always “have an opinion”. Opinions are as common as grains of sand, as diverse, and inconsequential over time. I have tons of opinions all day. I get it. What I wasn’t prepared for was the absolutely vitriolic attack on my character, on my job, and on my parenting…because I HAD A NANNY. The amount of hatred I received for being a “Working Mom” was absolutely shocking to me. It felt so old-fashioned, so misinformed, and SO beside-the-point. It made me feel like I was not living in the year 2016, but instead wearing some kind of corset and silken tapestry as a dress, waiting for a Nursemaid to come pluck Marlowe from my bosom so that I could go join my husband in the dining hall to gnaw on a mutton leg. But it wasn’t that people so despised the fact that I wasn’t “taking care of my own child” (I still LOL when I read that opinion) but that people felt completely comfortable writing paragraphs and paragraphs about it to me, with the hope that their words would hurt my feelings and “show me”…something. What they wanted to show me I still don’t really get.
The point is that when it comes to being a Mom, everyone feels entitled to think whatever hateful thing about you and your choices… and to vent them. In America, we have a hard time even getting people to sign petitions or write a letter to their Congressman about actually important issues that affect our human rights and our futures, BUT if I (and who cares about me) have a Nanny for my child it is totally appropriate to go Ape Shit all over my life choices. And this is Mom-Shaming for you, ladies and gentlemen. An unspoken “Ay-Okay” that because other people are raising children also, that they know better than you and do better than you, and have the right to make you feel absolutely terrible about yourself. I think probably the worst thing you can ever say to a person is that they’re a bad parent. I can’t think of anything that hurts more than the idea that you are failing at doing the thing that you literally care the most about in the entire world.
Whether you read my blog regularly or not, it takes only a few minutes to read over my content and see that even within a brutally candid site, I never ever will say that a certain way of parenting is wrong or right– that a Mom should or shouldn’t be a certain way, or should or shouldn’t make certain choices with their child. I’ve had opinions cross my mind when confronted with information, like any normal human, but I truly believe that when it comes to parenting we are all doing the best we can with what we have. And why do I believe that? Because we love these kids, guys. It’s really that simple. We really, really love them– more than life itself, and more than we love ourselves or any other thing. When I had Marlowe, one of the aspects of Motherhood that surprised me the most was how connected I suddenly felt to other Women and Mothers. I realized in that moment that I understood the feelings that a Mom has for her child and so I somehow also understood her– as different and diverse as we may be. I view Parenthood as the great unifier in many respects. It’s hard. It’s the hardest job there is (in fact, I personally view “Stay At Home Moms” as “Work From Home Moms” because they are working too, and don’t get the breaks that a lot of us who work outside the home get to enjoy). My point is that becoming a Mother myself made me think a lot before judging anyone and their parenting choices or styles, because I realize now more than ever that the phrase “doing the best you can” really is a thing. We all love our children so fiercely, and we all want the best for them. So why is Mothering tearing us apart instead of banding us together?
I think it’s because we feel insecure. I think parenting is such a hard job, with so many ups and downs, that it makes us question ourselves and second-guess our choices all the time. I have hundreds of moments a week where I question if my choices are right, or are good for my daughter, or will affect her positively. And lots of times I feel like I made a mistake. We are always so busy wondering and hoping that WE are doing the right thing that it makes us all defensive. Instead of just hoping we are doing right by our own kids, we convince ourselves that we are doing it all THE right way, and in THE right style. Anything that falls outside of the way we do things in our own lives threatens our very opinions of ourselves as parents. This is all subconscious, of course. Nobody is actually sitting around thinking that. And if we’re being really real here today, the truth of the matter is that there is no right way. Humans have been parenting for centuries, with thousands of different “styles”, making millions of mistakes…and guess what? You and I are still walking around today on our own two feet continuing the human race. We made it, okay? But, I truly believe that what’s at the root of all of the Mom Shaming animosity is Fear– fear that we might be making a mistake with our most precious of jobs. And so we point fingers, because then at least the finger isn’t being pointed at us.
I wonder how much of this behavior would change if we chose to applaud ourselves and how we are doing as parents in our own lives. I wonder if instead of focusing so much on what our kids aren’t doing yet, or what they are behaving like, or how overwhelming it all is, we choose to focus on what we view as our own strengths as Parents. What have we done well today? This week? This month? I think that if we began acknowledging ourselves and each other as getting through (or maybe even enjoying) the exhausting but joyous experience we call Parenthood, that we might care a lot less about what Suzy Q is doing with her kids over there.
As parents, we don’t get a medal. There isn’t a Best Mom award, no “great job” from the masses to pat you on the back. A lot of the result of the hard work we put in daily is invisible. Sure, it shows itself in moments. In snuggles from our children, in school reports of good or kind behavior, and most definitely in what our children do with themselves when they spread their wings and inevitably fly away from us in to the big brave world. But then there are parents who do their best, and do a great job, and their kid grows up to be a giant piece of sh*t. There is no measuring stick. I, for one, can do a better job at spreading reinforcement and positivity to parents within my own community. The ones I watch, and the ones I truly do admire from afar. How does that saying go? “If You See Something, Say Something.” And this doesn’t only have to refer to suspicious luggage. In awe of another parent’s fortitude that day? Tell them! Think a new Mama is doing a great job? Tell her! And if you look at your own day and feel it was a success, then certainly, absolutely, for God’s sake CELEBRATE IT.
I’ll take a moment here myself to take you, stranger, gently by the shoulders and look you square in the eye. I will tell you this now, and please believe me: I know you. I know how much you love your family, and I know how hard you’re trying at all of this. You are doing a great job. Better than you think, and better than you know. It takes real strength to tackle the day, and no matter how gracefully you’re doing it, you are doing it. You’re doing it.
I hope you find it in you today to spread encouragement to parents who may need it, even if they don’t show it. Thank you so much to all of the kind and generous people who have been so supportive and uplifting to me on this site the past year. It is all so moving and appreciated.
xoxo
EAM
Amen to that. If women would try to build each other up and support each other instead of judging and letting their own insecurities bring out the worst how much better the world would be. I’m a mom of 2 adults daughters and 2 grandkids and I tell my daughter and any young moms that I know that they are a doing great job and the bad days will pass so hang on and don’t beat yourself up over small stuff. Enjoy every moment of every stage because childhood is a brief few years and you won’t believe how fast it goes.
Enjoy your blog so much and following along with your sweet family! loved your post this morning, Well said ??????!
My 3rd, last child will be leaving in 3 weeks for West Point. It surprises me that he has turned out to be so awesome because I have really struggled to be a good mom to him. My older 2 daughters are doing well but I still question if I did my best with them. We, as mothers are hard on ourselves and as we doubt ourselves, we tend to pick on others. Just like teenagers, who drag others down to build themselves up, we continue as adults.
Find positivity and good in each day, moms. Laugh. Have friends that make you happy and can help you through stuff. And the idea Eva has of telling a mom she is doing a good job, is a great idea. Spreading the love to anybody makes you feel better too. I have survived 27 years of mothering and the ultimate success is seeing your children become good adults. My job is not done but I’m feeling better about how I have navigated through the most difficult job in my life. Love to all you fellow mommies! You got this! ❤️
The only time one should ever critize someone’s parenting and interfere is when a kid is in clear and present danger. Other than that: keep your opinion to yourselfs. Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs out there. No one is perfect and hardly anyone is a complete failure. There are good and bad days. We all have them. And so do our kids. Usually those bad days happen in the most unfortunate places, like the supermarket or a restaurant, but who cares? The world would be a lot more quiet without screaming kids, but also very empty.
I absolutely love you and what you do and what you are. I obviously don’t ‘know’ you but I admire everything that you do!! Great blog today!! And Thank you ? I think you’re doing an amazing job too!!
Thanks Amber!
Amen!!! Well Said Eva
Thanks for this! Especially the part where you take me by the shoulders & spread the love. As a mom to three boys (10 year old & 9 year old twins) it was such a beautiful thing to read. Thanks for reminding me that I’m doing the best I can & to be generous to all moms who do the best they can too. Nothing but love for you and your family! Have a blessed day!
“I can’t think of anything that hurts more than the idea that you are failing at doing the thing that you literally care the most about in the entire world”. That really struck a chord with me. I’m pregnant with our first child due in November and will be planning to return to work after maternity leave. It is a decision that my husband and I believe will be best for our family in the long-term. I’m already anticipating the heartbreak I will feel when returning to work. Two women, who I respect, made the flippant comment “it will be hard letting someone else raise your child”. It felt like a dagger in my heart and it boggled my mind just how easy it was for them to say it to me. I am a child of a working mother, my father passed away when I was eight, never once did I ever feel neglected or unloved. It truly took a village to raise my sister and I and that was thirty years ago, what’s so different today if I choose to hire a nanny? why is it so easy for women to shame one another? Not to mention the questions I am getting about will I or will I not breastfeed? My answer: ” I would like to but if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason I will move on and go the formula route” and it turns into The Great Debate. Whoa! Hold on! How did this become a round table discussion? My mistake is even answering the question but I should be able to without some backlash. Eva, thank you for writing this. It is exactly what I needed to read and I have to keep reminding myself that the decisions we make as parents come from a place of love and that’s what matters the most.
Stephanie,
I’m so sorry you felt shamed in that way. It definitely adds fuel to the fire when you’re already feeling vulnerable about going back to work. Just remember that the bond between a mother and child is unbreakable. We lay the groundwork for our relationship with our child while they are still in the stars and no amount of time at work, in Siberia, or on the Moon can ever take that away from you two. Good for you for getting back out there and doing what is best for you and your family! Believe me, once your child is born and you feel that fierce commitment to him/her you will never worry that somebody’s stupid and flippant comments can diminish or disprove it.
xo
EAM
Amen! When I start to judge another mother/parent I try to take a breath and realize if anyone saw me in a bad moment/day when the “crazy lady” comes out as my son calls her (me) they would be appalled. Parenting is the hardest job there is and I agree 99% of the parents in the world are doing the best they can. Support not judgment is what is needed.
Well said girl. It’s just so sad that this whole ‘mom shaming’ is a thing! We are all in this together as women! Not everyday is perfect. Let’s celebrate and encourage each other and not hate. Cuz as far as I know I’m trying to do the best job I can to raise my twin toddlers, and it sure helps when I get positive vibes from strangers. It makes my day.
Totally! Parenting is really the hardest job in the world. Then, maybe, being President of the United States…lol
Great blog today and so true. Well done!
YES! Love all of your content and especially this post. It’s so funny, before a became a mom just a short time ago, I was pretty judgmental. I would see even friends and family members’ parenting choices and think “oh I will never do that.” I had grand plans of exclusively breastfeeding for a year, having my baby sleeping in her crib by the time I went back to work, never rocking/feeding her to sleep as all the books say not to, etc. etc. etc. And guess what? I didn’t do a single one of those things when the time actually came, and I don’t give a damn. Now when I see parents/moms doing things I don’t do, I never say “oh I will never do that!” Because I just don’t know. Instead, I say “we aren’t doing that right now” or “that doesn’t work best for us at this time.” Because a month from now, it might. We do the best we can, we survive, and love and care for our children fiercely! It’s so very important that we support one another always keeping this in mind!
What a great outlook Taylor! I think it’s so smart and awesome to vocalize it like that. Just by saying it that way, you’re probably inspiring more Moms than you know to be open and re-frame their idea of what is “right” when it comes to parenting.
xo
EAM
Thank you for your honest sharing and your willingness to be vulnerable in this giant community. It’s the battle we have inside; are we better than or are we less than? You’re right, the key is in accepting where we are today and knowing we did our best. Whew! It is the hardest and the most important job we’ll every have.
Definitely! Easier said than done of course, but I think it’s a good mantra to have. I also have a little feeling we will all look back on “these days” and think that they were some of the most interesting of our lives. Important to have some perspective and remember that life is long and comes with so many adventures and ups and downs.
Love this! Said so well and so true! We all have our struggles…our strengths and weaknesses…but our families and our kids are all so different…we all do the best we can 🙂
yep! And that’s ENOUGH! XO
Thanks for the post, Eva! We moms can always use some love and support! Keep doing what you’re doing, Mama!
Yes, YES! This is perfect, and the struggle is real. Thank you for sharing!
I agree with your take on “Mom-Shaming” and what it stems from. I remember reading the comments that were left after “Nanny-Gate” to the point that I used them as a lesson for my own children as not an okay way to behave. You show your bravery every day because you honestly and objectively as is humanly possible try to help your readers with your viewpoints. One of the reasons I keep reading every new post is because of the positivity in a world where negativity gets the air-time. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and feel like I am really doing a crappy job at managing my own health and parenting my children. I just wanted to say thank you, for being real, for being honest, for being kind. I will continue to read every post because the positive outlook is what helps me get through the day some days.
Weren’t those comments insane?!
I’m so sorry to hear about your health struggles– that has to be so so tough. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your kids love you for just being you and BEING THERE. Remember that love, interest, and support of our children is the thing they remember most of all. Take care of yourself so that they can see you vibrant!!
xo
EAM
I so very badly needed this post, especially your second to last paragraph. THANK YOU! I love this idea of celebrating more. I was so surprised how immediately I was drawn into this new mothering community and how awesome it is. On the flip side, it can be vicious too. I have a nanny and all the time hear things that make me cringe and feel insecure about my choices. I even once had a lady in a supermarket ask me how I felt about having some other person “raise my daughter”. Um, hello lady, I am raising my daughter, whether I’m there every second of the day or not. Anywho, big fan of your blog, thank you x a million for sharing. Don’t forget to turn those words around to yourself too, you’re doing it!!!
UGH. I hate that. Good for you for doing YOU unapologetically! Kids are so lucky to have parents who feel motivated, inspired, and strong every day, no matter if they work in the home or not. Never back down on that one.
xo
EAM
All the YES ?
Preach!!
I wanted to start the slow clap on this essay! Well done you. I wish something this eloquent would go viral and not just the topics of scandalous nannies that the media likes to gravitate to. If all women took to this mindset we might all feel more encouraged and supported.
You’re awesome, read this with my cup of coffee this morning. Time well spent, empathy is everything…
Hello,
This was another very thought provoking article. Speaking from a guy’s perspective, your mention of mom-shaming reminded me a lot of little things that my mother put up with when I was growing up. It seemed that whenever I had a shortcoming, whether it was not doing well at school, not eating right, or not getting good grades, it was my mother who would get blamed for it. Nobody would ever give my mother credit for all the work she put in raising me and my sister. I am referring to little things such as picking us up from school, helping us with homework, always making us dinner when we came back from school, and many other things that I can’t even think of (and a lot of stuff I took for granted probably). Furthermore, because my mother was a stay at home mom, it was always my father who got the respect from society because he was working (another societal definition, we don’t think being a mom is ‘work’).
I actually remember a couple of years ago, I was at my graduation from school, and as a gesture the Dean told us to put the name of one person who helped us graduate. At the time I filled out the form I didn’t put much thought into it, I put down my father’s name. I love my father, and I in no way meant it as a slight to my mother, but it’s just something I did. So the night of the graduation the Dean called my name and read the special tribute I did to my father. My mom was with us, and when we got into the car she told me “I see how it is, I am just here, nobody acknowledges me….” I felt like such an idiot! It was just really sad…. Even though I know how important she is, I did not take the time to put her name on that list.
My point is…. Moms are invisible. They always get the blame, and none of the credit! The sad part about the above story is I know these things, and I still do it. Maybe as a society (and starting with myself) we need to show more appreciation to the sacrifices mothers make.
PS: Don’t listen to the haters, you are awesome ☺
Fabulous post! I definitely think mom-shame is a thing, and can only imagine how hard it will be when I am someday a mama, but I also think there’s just a huge “woman-shame” issue, too! We as women have so many different, and sometimes conflicting, expectations put on us. And, I do agree…small signs showing support, and not criticism, can make all the difference to someone!
Love this post and I love following along with your blog. As a mommy to be (who had a miscarriage last year) I have found so much comfort in your posts and this one is no exception. I have already experience my fair share of mommy shaming – getting blamed for my miscarriage, getting told that I am working out too much in this pregnancy, that I am not eating enough – I have done everything my doctor has told me to do without fail. I am trying. I am working on figuring it out every day. I am proud of myself for the mother I am already growing into and I am proud of the community of positive women you are growing here with this blog! Thank you for your ability to share your experiences in a way that connects us all!
You’re right on here. The root of the shaming is likely the insecurity the shamer has. All well put, thank you for sharing/the kind words to fellow parents.
Another great post! I’m a fan of the saying “opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.” But you said it much better and way classier. “Opinions are as common as grains of sand, as diverse, and inconsequential over time.” I think I’ll start using that one!
I read this post to its entirety and can I just say my eyes got all watery reading it. I’m a mom of two, and I’ve been doing this parenting thing for over two years now. I kept thinking throughout your post how true everything you said is. It’s definitely about being and feeling empowered and spreading that empowerment to other parents. Great read.
Merci Eva!
Well said ??.
Opinions can’t be controlled, but what comes out of our mouths (or typed on social media) can be. I hope someday people can remember that there are more important things to worry about in this life, than how someone else might be raising their children.
Agree! I always wonder if people would have the courage to say some of the things to my face that they put in writing. So lame to strike out at somebody purposefully trying to hurt them.
Such a good post. Agreed and Thank you!
Brava my friend, Brava! U rock as usual 🙂
A lifeguard said “You are doing such a great job mom. She’s having so much fun!” Immediately after she tried to sit on the steps of the pool and went completely under with me in panic mode. It made my day. It also made me realize that in horrible moments of panic and fear, someone recognized I needed reassurance and understanding. Thanks for the post. It’s important to support each other. (And I read the comments on your nanny post and was appalled at the comments. You are doing such a great job mom. She’s having so much fun!)
I love this story, thank you!
Really well said, Eva! Love!
I’ve been a nanny for 5 years (to the same family). I started when the oldest was 4, she’s now 9 and the youngest was only 6 weeks old, she just turned 5 in May. Before that I was a preschool teacher and once the girls got old enough and no longer needed me full time, I left and became a preschool teacher again but I still get my girls (they really do feel like they’re mine as I had a big hand in raising them) everyday after school as dad and MOM are both still at work. There is NOTHING wrong with being a working mom. First of all, it’s 2016! Are we really still hating on this issue? I mean, really?! I’m not a mom personally, at 28 I thought I would be by now but I focused on my teaching and school (I’m an acting student). People pressure me at times to have them, but at the same time those people are the ones who tell me once I have kids I have to give up what I love (teaching, being a nanny and the community theatre I belong to). Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you should give up your life. You have to work harder, yes, but you don’t have to give up who you are and have accomplished.
Thank you so much for this perspective, Wendy! I totally agree with you and I would argue that it’s important for our children to watch us feeling motivated and inspired in our lives no matter what that means. Happy parents, happy kids!
Well said….unfortunately in my experience it’s the women that are making all the judgements against Moms. My co- workers are the worst what they were saying about the Gorilla mom( that’s what I named it) was horrible like where was she, what was she doing, blah blah blah one of those women doesn’t even have kids so I shut her down immediately…must be nice to be a perfect Mom. I am a single mom who has been raising my children alone for 11 years now. And it’s not easy and I have made lots of mistakes. Like most moms we do the best we can. Love your post ,,,,,oh better go now my 14yr old is attempting to go in her room alone with her boyfriend….eeeekkkk ?
I totally agree, Jen. Nobody is a perfect parent, and I don’t think anybody even THINKS they’re a perfect parent really. I think that finding joy in imperfection in ALL areas of our lives is what brings true happiness
xo
EAM
A little late to comment I know but I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. I am so tired of hearing how awful people are being online and in real life. I feel like every mom deals with mom shaming at some point. I have chosen to only have one child and I feel like for the rest of my life I am going to be judged by all of the cashiers at stores who ask if I have other kids and then give me sad eyes when I just say I have one or comment “she must be spoiled.” It is possible to spoil your kids if you have more than one of them! I should know. I am the oldest of 4 and I was totally spoiled! We all do what is right for us and my husband and I know that having more kids would not work for us. I routinely feel shamed for my choice and that people would be more understanding if I had fertility issues or some other issue that wasn’t my choice. It doesn’t upset my anymore (she’s 4 now) but the constant comments by people who don’t even know me are just annoying. It has really helped me understand that we all make choices as parents for different reasons and it is none of my business!
I’ve been following your blog for awhile now, but have not come across this post until today. What a word of encouragement on a day I really needed it. Thank You.
I am in my mid 20’s and not a mother. But I can relate to many of points you have made here . My thoughts are that this simply goes beyond “motherhood” or “parenthood.” Women, mothers or not, tend to tear one another down, instead of coming together. I recently graduated from law school and am an attorney at a national law firm and I have come to realize that in the professional and social world, women can be one another’s worst enemy instead of an advocate and ally. It is upsetting, and even pathetic at times and I hope we, as women, can one day get to a place where we celebrate one another, our differences, our diversity, and our strengths. As women. We have it hard. One day I want to be a mother, but I also want to be a succeful professional and sometimes those two things appear to be mutually exclusive because society somehow perpetuates this sentiment that being a successful professional means you somehow have to sacrifice motherhood. It is my hope that I can do both and that the women around me will mentor, encourage, and be a source of light in the journey.
I’m a young mum and I’ve delt with so much mum shaming since having my first child at 18, ( I’m now 30 ) everyone always having an opinion on my every move as a mother. I’m learning and growing as a mum just as they are learning and growing. Thank you for being supportive of all mothers, we are all trying are best!
Eva, you’ve given me courage. I’ve just started a blog in which I plan to ‘shoot straight from the hip.’ I have yet to spread the word about this new venture, but I’ve started posting so that I can fully engage. Anyway, all this to say I know I will face what you have faced: incredible judgement. And I’ll have to find the strength to deal with that without feeling the need to back down because honesty is driving this. On another note, I’m sorry about your husband and the sitter. Been there. Lived that. Not a good time. Keep keeping it real!