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I’ll go ahead and say what most of us are thinking: it feels like a really important time to be raising sons right now. And by important, I also mean that the pressure feels HIGH to be putting in the work. Almost ten years ago, I wrote a blog post about the values I was teaching my son as his mother, and I happened to re-read it the other day. It was pretty scary to see that a lot of the fear I had as a parent raising kids in the world then is actually still present now. And worse?
I feel so hyper-aware that the moral standards of kindness, safety, love, and respect are being made to feel worthless in so many ways. It almost feels like a collective gaslighting when the standards that we have created as a society for hundreds of years are suddenly not applicable to those who hold the highest office, and who are, in turn, responsible for our safety and stability. Even if I know in my heart that so many incredible people exist in this world, and that goodness abounds, hearing the loudest voices degrading women, spewing racist hatred, and seeking to remove the hard-earned equality so many generations fought for…it can be depressing on the deepest level.
Whenever I get overwhelmed with my feelings about the state of the world, it helps me to remind myself that community is how we stay safe and sane. The values we live by in our own households are probably the best example of this. And, the only Men I can impact directly are the ones I’m raising from boys as a Mother. It goes without saying that raising daughters is EQUALLY important, and that is a whole other blog post, but as a woman, I’ve always felt that I knew, even before I became a Mom, what a mountain that would be to climb. I was always aware of the armor I’d have to teach my daughter to put on as a girl in the world. The male aspect came as more of a surprise to me. Raising tender-hearted, curious, secure, and respectful boys was always on my bingo card, but the importance of landing that plane has become clearer and clearer to me lately. I’ve shifted my priorities as a Mom recently to actively address this, and I thought I’d share some of the things I’m doing and thinking about as a part of that process. PLEASE feel free to share some of your own strategies as well! I love hearing more ideas around this topic, and I think sharing is so important to normalize these conversations more!
RESPECT IS FOR EVERYONE
Something I’ve been talking to my boys about a lot recently is the idea that respect isn’t just for people who are like us. Our lives are not more valuable than a life on the other side. Whether that’s “the other side” of the street, the world, the proverbial line in the sand… and that, ideally, we should approach every interaction with this in mind. My sons are not only growing up to respect girls and women, but also all ethnicities, religions, and world views. The only time we do not give respect is when a person or group is degrading inherent human value. I believe that there are political views, and then there are just moral bottom lines. I teach them that political opinions are opinions, but that human rights are not opinion-dependent.
WOMEN CONTAIN MULTITUDES
I think one of the strongest ways to raise boys who are respectful of women is to let them learn about the multitude we contain. Women are so many things, usually all at once. We are complex creatures, and that is OK! That is what makes us incredible! I make sure all my children know about both my successes and my failures, my interests, my opinions, the things I do to center myself, the things I avoid because they disrupt me, and all of the weird and cool minutiae in between that make me ME. If my boys have questions about the female body, I try to answer in the most age-appropriate, yet factual way possible. We don’t use cutesy names for anatomy, theirs or mine!
KINDNESS IS POWERFUL. SO IS GRATITUDE.
I’ve always said that the happiest person in the room is the person in the room who is the most grateful. In our home, we practice “Peak and Pit” exercises daily to tap into our daily joy and gratitude, and I watch it help them reframe their world experience in a positive light. In a similar vein, I make sure they know that the only thing they will for sure never regret is opportunities that cross their paths to make somebody else’s day easier or better. This can be true in the smallest of ways, or the biggest, and kindness is available to us at any age. I’m also teaching them that acknowledging kindnesses that have been paid to US is equally important. If I’m ever thinking appreciative thoughts about one of my kids, I make sure to say it out loud, and even in my work or personal life, I love to give credit where credit is due. I think our kids notice how we as parents make other people in our social circles feel, and that it sets the tone for the way they show up for others, too. One of my sons recently felt extremely supported and seen by a group of his friends, and he made the choice (unprompted!) to write them each little notes expressing what that had meant to him. I was blown away by this, and thought so much about how this kind of shared energy between boys breaks every toxic masculinity trope there is!
ALLOW THEM TO TEACH ME WHO THEY ARE
As a parent, I’ve found that it’s easy to think we are letting our kids be themselves, but that in reality, actually doing this is WAY more complicated. We spend so much time, even before our kids are born, daydreaming about and hoping for their futures. We construct and project personalities on them without even really realizing it, or meaning to! A huge lesson for me has been listening to my sons, and then continuing to listen when things about them I thought to be true…change. I’ve noticed in my journey as a woman that a lot of adult male resentment comes from feelings about expectations placed on them in one way or another. That, and a lack of ability to effectively communicate those resentments. While I can’t control my sons’ entire lives, I can control how I let them authentically teach me who they are, even if that causes micro disappointments for me as a Mom. I’d rather my kids are exactly who they are, and feel safe being that person with me, than they stay on some track they think I expect out of them!
GENDER NEUTRALITY FOR HOBBIES
I hope this goes without saying, but hobbies and interests are not gendered. Period. When I teach my daughter needlepoint, I teach my sons, too. When my boys have access to sports, so does my daughter. If my daughter wants to do a face mask with me, I offer the experience to the boys as well. Ditto with manicures. My sons dance and craft. I love that they are so curious about a multitude of things, and I know being well-rounded in this way will take them far in life
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Societally, boys are encouraged less to share their feelings. Not in my house! LOL. We practice a lot of feelings vocabulary, and I urge them to communicate with me even through fear, frustration, and shame. This doesn’t always feel natural for every personality type, and so I also have a trick up my sleeve! This year, I started sharing journals. This is a great way to open the lines of communication with kids who have a harder time communicating freely when it comes to certain topics, or even generally. I have a journal that only I and the child have access to. We swap it under each other’s pillows when we have something to say, ask, or tell, and the only rule is that we do NOT speak about anything that’s in the journal out loud. The point of this is that they can write about more embarrassing topics or things that might be awkward without thinking that they’ll have to discuss it face to face. It is actually INCREDIBLE how this has opened the lines of communication for me with them, and it’s a practice that I plan to continue into Teenhood!
LOVE OUT LOUD
Ian and I both try to show our boys that demonstrating love and affection freely is the best feeling there is, and such a sign of strength! We are a super snuggly, cuddly family, and we often express our love for each other verbally. It’s important to me that my sons see me being loved and cherished proudly by my husband, and that they know that they are equally and unabashedly loved. I think we can say so many words about our value systems, but kids really only internalize the values that we are actively showing them throughout their childhoods. I try to set the tone empathetically for them, and hope that they feel free to love others and to accept love, without shame!
