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I wrote about my miscarriage on this blog two and a half months ago. When I decided to write about my own experience of devastating loss, I could not have known how it would make me feel or what the outcome would be of sharing. All I knew was that I felt inclined to share so that others would feel a little less alone. What ended up happening was the most generous and healing outpouring of support and love that I have ever known.
I was too overwhelmed at the time to individually thank every last one of you who held my hand during such a heartbreaking moment in my life, but I want to acknowledge you now and to tell you that the kindness you showed my family will never be forgotten by any of us.
I can tell you that I’m doing a little better and a little worse, but generally moving forward. Sometimes something unexpected will come up that will remind me of my lost baby and my stomach flips as tears come instantly. And sometimes days go by that I feel only hope and anticipation for all the things to come. What I’ve learned is that grieving and healing is a process, and one which is never fully “over”. I imagine that, while I will never forget my little one– and will wonder every day who he or she would have been, that I will get more and more used to the feeling of having lost something so precious. That this feeling will become a part of the fabric of our family like any other thing. I’m making a conscious effort to honor every feeling that I have about my miscarriage without judgement, and without the attempt to “get past it” for anybody’s sake but my own. I’m lucky that I have a husband who has been so respectful of my grieving process and is encouraging me to take all the time I need.
I’ve gotten a lot better at speaking my truth to people as well. Something you notice constantly after suffering a pregnancy loss (or even if you are experiencing fertility issues) is how often near strangers ask you if you are going to be adding to the family. “Are you guys gonna have kids?” or “When is Baby Number Two coming?!” they’ll ask– and though it is obviously meant as a nice question it can really feel like a shot to the heart for somebody who is quietly suffering. I ran in to this a lot after my miscarriage from unknowing (and well-meaning) people, and I found myself brushing it under the rug. “Oh yeah, we definitely want more kids,” I’d say. “Hopefully soon!” And then I would get home and cry– less about the reminder of my loss and more because of the humiliation I felt for not having simply said the truth– that we did want one, and we had one, but lost it. I felt ashamed that I had hidden my grief for a stranger’s benefit, and it really weighed on me. Now if people ask, I’m kindly honest. I say “Actually I was pregnant a few months ago, but I had a miscarriage. We’re hoping to have another child soon.” Although this sometimes makes for an awkward moment or two, it makes me feel like a better and more honest version of myself– and that feels healing for me personally.
One gift that has come from this loss has been the community that has formed around this site, and the people and companies who have reached out to me about miscarriage and infant loss. I feel proud to be somebody who people feel comfortable coming to with their feelings about this challenging and deeply painful subject. Recently, Earth Mama Angel Baby reached out to me to tell me about their efforts to comfort Mothers who have experienced prenatal loss.
Earth Mama Angel baby is a company who makes a variety of excellent all-natural products for pregnant and postpartum women. I had used their nipple butter religiously when Marlowe was breastfeeding! But I was surprised to discover that this company is so much more than that. They have made it their mission to be there for women and families experiencing baby loss in a way that is both logistically useful and emotionally healing. They have a website, BabyLossComfort.com, which supplies grieving parents with everything from grief resources and a lost child remembrance bulletin board, to resources like e-cards and condolence advice for friends of grieving parents. It is the most elegant and helpful site I found while going through my own grieving process, and I encourage you to visit it whether you are experiencing a pregnancy loss yourself, or just feeling helpless in comforting somebody else who is.
A lovely package they carry on their site is the Healing Hearts Comfort Kit, a holistic, tender, and beautiful way to honor a lost child. The kit includes 3 simple things: “Seeds of Hope” to plant for a lost child, the “Light Of My Heart” candle to light for a lost child, and the “Healing Heart Mist” essential oils blend to sooth sadness and uplift the spirit. It is so simple, and yet so comforting– just to know that something has been made to remember a child that you will not have the chance to create more memories with. A little recognition for grieving Mothers can go a long way.
I have partnered with Earth Mama Angel Baby to thank the Happily Eva After community, and spread the healing love, by giving away five Healing Hearts Comfort Kits to women in need. Please reach out to me in the comments section below and let me know if you are in need of this kit or if you are close to somebody who would benefit from it. I will select five people and send them out myself, as recognition of everything that women go through on the journey to Motherhood, and as tokens of my deep appreciation for those who helped me through a hard time. Make sure to leave an email in the email section of the form so that I will know how to reach you!
A Few Words With Earth Mama Angel Baby Founder:
1. I love how holistic and woman-friendly the Earth Mama Angel Baby products are– What prompted you to create the line?
Sadly, we created the Earth Mama Healing Hearts line out of what we perceived as necessity. All Earth Mama products are formulated to care for the common discomforts of pregnancy and postpartum recovery. So if Earth Mama provided products to nurture a women’s body while they carried a precious baby and that baby was lost, we wanted to care for her body after her baby was gone as well. I formulated No More Milk Tea specifically for women who had full term loss or stillbirth. One of the saddest challenges is to have breasts filled with milk and no baby to nurture.
2. How did Earth Mama Angel Baby become involved with grieving parents?
Just from the reality that some pregnancies don’t end happily. That’s why the line came about, and why we created the Healing Hearts Baby Loss web site and Facebook community ( https://www.facebook.com/HealingHeartsBabyLossComfort). It was to give mamas, families, and supporters a place to remember, and grieve, and get resources when the saddest loss occurs.
3. What does the Healing Hearts Comfort Kit mean to you?
It means that you’re not alone. Every woman needs to find her own way toward healing after such a soul-wrenching loss, but at least we want women to know there are others out there who are walking the same path alongside her.
4. What do you want the recipients of the Healing Heart Comfort Kit to feel when they receive their kits in the mail?
Held. Cared for. Rituals don’t make the pain go away – that won’t ever happen. But we hope that pain and grief will have a place to rest more comfortably knowing that someone acknowledges that you are a mother to a true angel, and that your loss and grief are not ignored.
This is such a wonderful idea. I have a friend who this month is coming up on the one year anniversary of losing her baby at 38 weeks. there is no explanation for why her little boy didn’t make it. He was fully formed, she was healthy… Just one day his heart stopped beating. All of the baby shower gifts went unused and the lovingly and meticulously decorated nursery has sat empty. I think this kit would mean so much to her as the anniversary of her sons death draws near.
Your friend’s Healing Hearts Comfort Kit is on its way!
I lost my baby in June this past year and I never realized how hard it can continue to get. The anticipated milestones of the pregnancy that will never be, the due date that will come and go, watching a sibling grow up with out her baby sister or brother. It’s all painful, and yet somehow I make it to the next day and the next. Thanks for sharing your story and shedding light on miscarriage.
Your Healing Hearts Comfort Kit is on its way! I hope it helps a little
Ive had two miscarriages. No comfort or care packages. Just because our babies were small there were still babies
I have had stage 4 endometriosis for 10 years and recently had an unplanned pregnancy, but one that I thought wasn’t even possible. I was over the moon with such an unexpected blessing, even if it wasn’t planned. I was basking in the joy of pregnancy, and I had never felt so much love from all those around me – I was in heaven. Then, at 9 weeks, after 2 ultrasounds already where I had seen strong heartbeats (I had had bleeding early on before even realizing I was pregnant, so they were monitoring me closely) – that beautiful flicker I had come to love seeing was gone. It was a “missed miscarriage” and unfortunately seems to have happened the day that I started sharing my news with more friends and family. I had no sypmtoms of miscarriage and that was the hardest part. Feeling pregnant – the nausea, the fatigue – and knowing this was no longer just things to bear with for the greater gift of a baby in my arms. I went in for a D&C and donated my baby to science; it gave me a bit of solace feeling like my grief could help further medical knowledge in some small way. That being said, the following couple months has been the hardest I have ever experienced. I wish I had known about these kits sooner – what a lovely way to honor a woman and the bond with her baby she doesn’t have the chance to hold in her arms. Thank you for your honesty and sharing; it’s inspiring me to do the same.
Your Healing Hearts Comfort Kit is on its way!
I’m truly so sorry for everything you’re going through
I surprisingly found myself pregnant with our second child in May. At 9 weeks in July I took my very excited 4 year old daughter Rory with me to see the ultrasound. That wa day we found out that the baby’s heart had stopped beating and we had lost it. Not only was it heart breaking to me but to my poor child who was so anxious to see how big he or she had gotten. They loved their baby sibling from the get go and was so excited. You perfectly described the emotions of the grieving process where you are okay some days others you break out in tears. Especially hard when suddenly after that happens you find three people you know unexpectedly pregnant. It’s hard to be happy for them and not sad for yourself some times. I would love a kit if one to spare for our little family. Would love to plant something in back yard flower garden.
Your Healing Hearts Comfort Kit is on its way!! Hoping it comforts you even if only in a small way
I have one child, she’s 10 now. Effortless pre
Effortless pregnancy. While I was older, 37 I was told I had the eggs of an 18 yr old! So when I tried for a second at 41, I figured it would be a slam dunk. Not so. I endured 10 miscarriages in a four year period. I had three D&Cs and the 10th one was last year. It was a c-section scar pregnancy. It would require a shot to abort since it could have resulted in a hemorrhage the larger it got. Never came to that as it stopped growing. Another chromosomal abnormality. Age. So I never got my second, just a much deeper appreciation for my first. I love her so much. She is my heart and I am fully present, never complain and live — choose to live in pure JOY! I will tell ya, it feels better than the other. It didn’t come timely or easy, but it comes. I remember crying out of nowhere, feeling immense pain and falling to my knees doing laundry and asking why, why, why, what did I do to deserve this? My eyes always bloodshot. My heart always bleeding. Scared. Confused and sniveling. Hard to smile some days, the older my girl got the less chance of a sibling. Adoption for me was a flag of failure. I wouldn’t have welcomed that. Today we are getting a puppy. A friend, a pal. My daughter is so happy. It feels like a baby is coming. Adoption can still happen, with my new head of clarity and if that happens I will be there, fully present and to be honest after everything that has happened and all I have experienced I feel like I know a secret – a clear, concise and conscious secret – children truly are gifts and miracles and everyone deserves love and comfort and belonging. Me included. Eva, I wish you clarity and healing and I always think what a reunion it will be for me when I get to heaven. And my girl has so many angels looking after her. To touch on the well meaning comments that can dig a dagger, I got them. I still get them (even at 47)! They don’t sting as much. I feel like I tried. I know God knows I tried. I don’t want to mess up the life I have because I don’t want to cheat my girl all of the happiness, support and love she deserves from a loving momma. My energy goes to her and that’s where I put those feelings — I convert that energy for good!!! Blessings.
I’m so sorry about everything you have gone through, it sounds so very challenging. I really admire your new chosen outlook and I agree– children really are total miracles, every single one.
Hi Eva. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and continuing to make the subject of pregnancy loss easier to talk about. My husband and I lost a baby at 20 weeks this past winter and while you never forget what you went through or what could have been I can honestly say that the good days now outnumber the bad ones. You will get there too in time! The best advice that I got from a counselor I saw is that grief is not a linear process and and to let yourself ebb and flow in your feelings. One of the nice things that came from my loss is that it brought me to your blog which I look forward to reading everyday! I wish you and all those suffering from the loss of a baby all the best and thanks for opening up a forum to share!
I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for speaking out about your experience– your journey to healing will inspire many people! I completely relate to the nonlinear process, too. Thank you so much for your readership I really appreciate it!
I loved reading this. Having been through several losses and one in the third trimester is truly devastating. It’s nice to hear how to deal with the “are you planning on having kids” questions. Thanks for speaking for all of us!
I am so sorry for your losses.
Thank you for the kind words, they are very encouraging!
It’s been 4 years since my 3 miscarriages; and while I have a beautiful son I always wonder about my babies. I lost them very early on, and I felt I didn’t have the right to grieve; but so many women told me that it was okay to grieve – a life is a life. I feel so fortunate to have an amazing son, but the pain of loss is almost too much to try for another.
I wish you all the best, Eva! Watching Marlowe on snapchat has been a nightly ritual for me and my son. He asks me – who’s that? I tell him – it’s Marlowe. She is so special. Hold on tight – it goes fast!
I’m so terribly sorry to hear about your losses, that sounds so painful to have so many. I’m glad you’re finding comfort in your beautiful son. Please tell him Marlowe says Hi 😉
Eva, my friend just told me today she prematurely birthed her second angel baby yesterday. Her name is Marta, and I would love if you could gift her with the care package. My heart is broken for her and her husband.
Your friend’s Healing Hearts Comfort Kit is on its way. Thank you so much!
My friend unexpectedly lost her 3 year old daughter in March. My daughter is now 3.5 and our group of moms is devatated for her. Our kids are also wondering what happened to their friend. I know this isn’t the same as a miscarriage but it is the loss of a child nonetheless and I would love to have something like this care package. She was so sad last week leading up to Halloween because she didn’t have her little one to dress up like she did in past years. She could not get out of bed from all of the gried. I am at a loss because I know I can’t do anything to make her feel better. But maybe a lovely care package like this could help in some small way.
This is so unbelievably sad to hear. I can’t even imagine. Unfortunately all of the kits were spoken for and sent out yesterday, but I encourage you to get one off of the Earth Mama Angel Baby website if you think it will help!
I am so very sorry to hear about your friends daughter. What a devastating loss. Holidays really bring so much pain when your children are not here to celebrate with. There is an organization called The MISS Foundation who provide support to families who have lost a child at any age from any cause. Sending your friend so much love. You’re a good friend for reaching out for her.
Eva, could you please post a link to the original post? I would really love to read it, and I can’t seem to find it. I have also gone through this, and have never talked about it publicly. Thank you for being so tremendously brave.
As a grieving mother I appreciate this post and sharing that what you are feeling is normal and what all these other beautiful women who shared their story here is normal. The MISS Foundation is what saved my life after the loss of my 9 month old daughter. They provide support services to families around the world. Thank you again for opening up this topic and talking about it.
I just found your blog and coming in late on this conversation – however I am so glad you wrote about your experience to give us all a place to share our voice. I have had 3 miscarriages over the last 6 years and still no child to date. It is hard. Very hard esp when people want to know why we are “not having kids” and people say “oh I guess you want to be DINKs” ~dual income no kids~ I have found when I share what actually has happened when people say this it does open up communication. Some will even tell me they have had loss too but it is not something shared. This link you posted for babyloss is so wonderful too – thank you so much for sharing. I am signing up for your emails too!
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. This happened to us as well and I remember having the same thought that people kept asking over and over when we were going to add to our family. It stung, but how could they know! You’re so right when you say honesty is best, they feel horrible when you say something, but I didn’t want to forget our angel babies. ❤️❤️ I’m so glad this basket is available I’ve been searching for something to give to other mamas who have miscarried as well.
I know you posted this awhile ago but I just found your blog and I absolutely love it! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has truly inspired me to share mine and be transparent with my thoughts and feelings about my loss. Here’s my story… For two years My husband and I struggled with getting pregnant. A miracle happened and we found out we were expecting a baby. We were over the moon excited and couldn’t wait to share our news with family and close friends. Monday I went in for another ultrasound and a check up. I was 7weeks 4days pregnant. Unfortunately at the appointment they found that the baby hadn’t grown and it did not have a heart beat anymore. The doctor recommended meds to induce my body to pass the pregnancy. It was horrible. That night I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was in excruciating pain and losing a lot of blood. I was having horrible contractions and they admitted me to the hospital. I was there for 18 hours passing the pregnancy. The next morning they did an ultrasound to make sure I had passed everything. I did and they sent me home. I left there feeing like I got hit by a train. I went through the whole labor process, contractions, my cervix dilating…and I have no baby to bring home. We are truly devastated. This whole experience has been surreal. It feels like a bad dream. I know God has a plan for everything. We feel blessed to have even gotten the opportunity to be pregnant. We know God will bless us with a little one some day. Hopefully soon. We are comforted knowing our baby is in heaven now. Thank you for posting your story. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through a miscarriage and the heartache that comes with it. I wish you the best and pray you find peace. I am so happy to read that you are expecting again!
Thanks for being open about this. I just learned of my missed miscarriage this week at almost 9 weeks. I am waiting for it to miscarry or have to go in to remove. I had not idea how sad this would make me. I have been following your pregnancy and was getting so excited as my own progressed. I have hope for the future. Thanks for keeping it real.
i thank you for everything you do i just found i had a miscarriage and it has been extremely difficult. i have been trying to have a baby for a few years so when i found out i was pregnant i couldnt have been happier! this loss has been harder than i could imagine and i just want to thank you for giving women a place to come and talk and feel a little comfort through these gard times.
I’ve lost my 8 week old baby girl her nursery brings sorrow it’s hard walking by knowing she should be here
I would love to learn more about this please. I recently miscarried at 6 weeks baby stopped growing but i was pregnant for 2 full months.
We just suffered a miscarriage yesterday at 12 weeks and 5 days . Currently trying to plan a small cremation for our beautiful boy. Our hearts are aching and I just can’t understand why us
Would love to get a package . I just had a miscarriage this month on the 4th and I know I will never feel the same again. I feel.so empty .I also have no support as my husband is an emotionally distant army veteran. Its not his fault..I just think he’s been through enough. But I’m having the hardest time letting go and grieving
I have two angels and this year has been the hardest year trying to grieve & cope with living without them everyday!
5 years of regret of having a tubal ligation, I was the 1 in 100 that happened to be gifted a baby to carry. The precious baby lived in me for 6 weeks befoew God needed my sweet baby back. My heart aches. Im so tired of hearing I have other children, and I should be thankful for them. I lost a piece of mu future. My heart. My life. I feel empty.
This is my 2nd miscarriage that I am currently going through. I was in a domestic violence situation during the first two months of my pregnancy this time around and I found out that there was no heartbeat. I am still so heart broken. I am still waiting for the miscarry to happen. I’ve been in so much pain. ?? I’ve been depressed. I haven’t eaten in two days and I’ve just been laying in bed.
Hi my friend lost her son in 2013 ans her twins in 2015 due to pprom. Is there a way she can get a kit? Its hitting her hard and shes never recovered.. shes like lifeless. Its like shes just exisiting
I could really benifit from this kit. I just lost my baby on 11/4. I’m having a rough time dealing with my loss and was searching for support and came across your page.
I’m literally mere hours from my miscarriage. I’m in shock. I’m hurt I’m sad I’m mad I’m confused I’m lost. So so lost. Idk how to feel or what to feel. Thank you. For ur kind words.
I have lost my sweet angel 11/28/2020. She was our miracle baby since I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2018. I believe a care package would be of tremendous help.
I would love a care kit for the loss of my daughter in April. My address is 3710 Alabama Avenue cedarbluff al.35959