It’s with a lot of heartache that I tell you Kyle, Marlowe, and I have some sad family news to share. I am sharing in the hopes that we can be a light for people going through similar circumstances, and to remind myself and others that there is no shame in voicing our heartbreaks and allowing others to comfort us.
A couple of days ago, the baby I was carrying passed away. I was nine weeks pregnant. When we found out we were expecting baby number two, we were scared and joyful all at the same time. Two babies under two! I was filled with nervous excitement– so amazed that Marlowe would have a sibling so close in age. Kyle and I hoped it was another girl. I was feeling great, with only minimal nausea and as much fatigue is to be expected with a toddler and the first trimester of pregnancy. While we were on vacation in Hawaii, we took some “Big Sis” photos with Marlowe, and began to tell her about the baby. Towards the end of our trip, I began to experience some spotting, but once I returned to Los Angeles, I got the all-clear from my doctor. We heard the heartbeat on multiple occasions, and watched our baby growing at a normal rate. When we celebrated Marlowe’s birthday, we shared the news with our families and closest friends.
At my next visit for a routine ultrasound, however, the baby’s heart was no longer beating. Just like that, it was all over. I remained in the office and went through the procedure to remove the baby from my uterus. I am so grateful to my wonderful doctor and his amazing staff, who were all so kind, compassionate, and loving with our family throughout the experience. I couldn’t have asked for better care as I went through such a painful day.
My doctor told me that this was most likely a case of there being an underlying major developmental problem with the fetus, and that it had simply stopped growing. That nature had taken its course in the most brutally honest and simple way that nature sometimes works. He also shared with me that this is heartbreakingly common (I won’t tell you the specific statistic because I don’t want to give anyone any unnecessary anxiety, but let’s just say we definitely all know at least one person this has happened to) Of course the fact that it is common doesn’t do anything to help the pain. But what was so shocking to me is how common miscarriages are, versus how little I hear them talked about. I’m not sure if this is because people are ashamed to suffer this loss, or whether the loss is simply too painful to share (I can see how this could be the case also).
To anybody enduring similar heartache, I will tell you what I’m feeling and processing as a result of this loss: A lot of confusion, some anger, deep sadness, and also an immense amount of gratitude. I have realized in the past forty-eight hours how incredibly grateful I am for the magic that I have in my life. I have the most amazingly supportive husband, and two loving families. I have wonderful friends, who have brought me nearly to my knees with their care and compassion during this hard time. And most of all, I have a healthy and happy daughter who I can hold in my arms and whisper in to her ear how much I adore her and how blessed I feel that I was lucky enough to bring her in to the world. I have so much.
Of course what I don’t have, and what I never will have, is this one little angel who has slipped away from me. And while it will take time for me to make peace with that fact, it gives me a lot of solace knowing that I told– that I have shared its existence with you, that it mattered, and that we loved it. And that will have to do.
Thank you for listening to our story.