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I’m 29 and I recently got married – celebrating the two happiest months of my life this Friday! - and, as expected, once this preparation, anticipation, ecstasy phase was over, I happily moved onto the next one (do you already see it coming?).
I’m going through what you once referred to as “an ovulation-kit-buying, fertility-tracking, supplement-swallowing, bona fide Nut Job“-phase (loved that, by the way). At the time, when I read this, I thought I was so far away from it, I would never fit into that scenario. I assume most of us do, until we start asking ourselves “I did what I was supposed to do, why am I not pregnant?” Kind of like that time I decided to play the lottery: I chose the numbers, handed in my ticket, sat down and waited. And then nothing happened. The feeling is similar, but the deception is far greater.
I decided not to tell anyone we’re trying, but everyone keeps asking about the next step. But then I decide to tell some friends and somehow they’ve all learned the magic word: RELAX!
Those five fantastic little letters are put together in my head as the key to all problems. Re-lax. All mothers have the same story to tell: it all happened once I relaxed… And every time I beg for the enlightenment about the path leading to such a marvelous solution, the answer repeats itself: “Oh, you know, just don’t think about it.”
Love,
Ms. Trying-Not-To-Be-Trying
Dear Ms. Trying-Not-To-Be-Trying,
Ah, yes. The tale as old as time! Married two months (Congratulations, newlywed!!!) and already researching, scouring the internet, polling friends, and writing letters on the fast track to banging out a baby! You sound exactly like somebody I know…oh yeah, ME. I’m obsessed with how well you know what you want, and how good you are at proactively trying to get it. This is a skill, my dear, that not many people have– and I wholeheartedly acknowledge you for that. Never lose it! Now, on to some advice so that you don’t feel so CRAZY.
I am taking you right now through the computer, grabbing you gently by the shoulders, staring you directly in the eyes and telling you this: “You and your wonderful husband WILL HAVE A BABY.” Hear that and internalize that. You will be a Mother– I promise. I wish somebody had sat me down and told me those simple words on my fertility journey. We talk so much about how we do it, and why we do it, and when we do it, that we often lose sight of the fact that somehow, some way, we WILL do it. Have faith in that and un-clutch your iron grip a little. Your child will choose you when the time is right– and when that child is born and you look in to its eyes, you will know for an undeniable fact that this is your child that you were meant to have exactly now in this moment.
That said, I know that you are looking for tools to help you achieve this mindset– and I’m going to serve them up fresh to you right now, girlfriend. Step One: throw away the paraphernalia. All of it. All of the fertility tracking mumbo-jumbo, books and magazines included. Your husband’s sigh of relief will be heard around the world! Step Two: learn something new with you husband. Take up something, together, that will give you a new skill to focus on that does not involve fertilization. Take a seminar about wine, or commit to trying every great hiking trail where you live, or set a fitness goal together, or take a sushi cooking class, or learn Salsa! You get the point. Do something that is new to both of you that will take your mind to an engaged and exciting place. Step Three: Enjoy the things you can do now, pre-pregnancy and pre-baby. Pregnancy is amazing and also SO HARD. And don’t even get me started on Motherhood. In this time you have before you go down that road, really relish in all of your freedoms. Go slurp some oysters with your hubby and plan a fun road trip to a place you haven’t been before– without worrying about who will take the baby or whether you will have to miss an important doctor’s appointment.
This time is about YOU! Be selfish before you lose the luxury of that for a while. And if you really are like me, this new attitude adjustment will quickly lead you one place and one place only: to a doctor’s office bathroom peeing on a stick!
Good luck, I wish you all the best!
xoxo
EAM
Needed to read this today, as I am going through fertility issues myself. Thank you for the encouraging words and renewed hope. Sometimes hearing it from someone else makes you realize you’re not alone going through this, even though you do have the support of family.
I’ve been on both sides of this fence. After a year of just having fun, enjoying our new marriage, traveling, and not trying to have a baby…I wondered why we hadn’t gotten pregnant. It didn’t alarm me initially, I just thought wow it hasn’t happened. I told myself that I would give us a few more months of actually trying with ovulation kits before I would say something to my husband. He says I over plan everything and worry too much anyway.
6 more months came and went. Sex had become a chore and stressful for us. My husband was starting to feel the pressure of getting us pregnant too. I convinced him to go to our doctor to discuss our concerns and let her be the one to tell me “relax, everything is fine and working”. We had been having unprotected sex for a year and a half and it could just be bad luck, but I wanted a definitive answer.
At the young age 27 (by fertility standards) my husband and I were met with heartbreaking news. A simple semen analysis for him revealed we had less than a 2% chance of conceiving on our own. We spent the spring and we going through tests with specialists, urologists and eventually being referred to our fertility doctor. Unbeknownst to me, I had my own fertility problems and my uterus was in no condition to host a baby. No wonder we couldn’t get pregnant! I known family thought I was crazy for seeking medical help at such a young age, but I am a proactive person. I wouldn’t change a thing about the way things happened for us.
After two years of fertility treatments, surgeries, IVF rounds, sadness and then success, I have birth to our daughter at the ripe old age of 30! So I say to you, speaking from experience, abandon the scheduled intercourse and ovulation kits. Enjoy your husband and your time together as a couple, as Eva said. If after some time you still have concerns, there are amazing doctors there to help you. The bottom line is, you will be a mother one day if your heart so desires it.
I’m a firm believer that we always end up right where we are supposed to be.
Best wishes!
Dear Eva,
Thank you so much for your answer. I really needed the support and a fresh perspective on the matter.
One thing you mentioned that really made a difference to me: at the exactly right time, my baby will choose me. That really changed the way I was looking at the situation. There is a certain sense of meaning to it all. And yes, it will happen.
Also, the hubby and I are already enrolled at a sushi cooking class next month. He asked me to thank you for the advice (he wasn’t crazy about the baby paraphernalia, he’s glad it’s gone). 😉
I wish you the best of luck with your (great) blog.
I can relate to Joanna! My husband and I are only 28, and we were given the news that he couldn’t have any biological children. It was heartbreaking!!! We decided to use a sperm donor and after two IUIs and 9 months later, we now have a beautiful baby boy. Trust that it will happen and if you need a little help, that’s okay too! Enjoy your days together and know that your best days to come!!! Xoxo