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They say Parenthood is full of surprises, and I tend to agree. Just when you feel like you totally have this “kid thing” down pat, your little one throws you a curve ball that has you scratching your head (or pulling your hair out of your head). For us, the arrival of Marlowe’s big new age (ONE!) has brought with it some of the most fun and funny new dynamics we have ever experienced with her, and also one we could definitely live without: bad behavior. Cue Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” as mood music for the rest of this post.
Now let me be clear. By bad behavior I don’t mean getting fussy when she’s tired, or throwing food, or not sleeping well, or any other typical baby behavior that we are totally accustomed to at this point. What I’m talking about is the salty attitude and covert actions that are more expected of a kid, say, who has just grown boobs. I thought we had at least thirteen more years! This new behavior usually manifests itself for her as an all-consuming frustration with us, in reaction to various things, during which time she will purposefully hit us in the face (thankfully she never does this to other children), pull our hair, or kick us. Charming! She also will deliberately go towards items that she knows are NOT FOR TOUCHING (ie: electrical cords, phone chargers, fire, sharp objects, steep ledges) and look at us dead in the eye before running full speed towards them . If she manages to get there before we do, she then stares in to our souls while moving the object slowly to her mouth. When I tell her “NO MARLOWE!” (obviously), she throws a fit worthy of an Oscar. May I take a moment to remind you this is the same child who cradles my face in her hands every night at bed time and gives me a hundred slow and methodical kisses on the mouth. It’s confusing.
Because I have no interest in raising the next Lizzie Borden, I’ve started to discipline her for this type of behavior, which feels suuuuper weird to do with a kid who has minimal language and can’t even fully walk yet. But what are the options? Tolerate it wordlessly while Marlowe continues to grow older and processes that this behavior is fine with her parents? I don’t think so. Here are a couple examples of what I do. Hopefully your children aren’t going through such a torturing phase, but if the testimonies of some of my girlfriends with one year old’s are any indication of a status quo, well you might need some of these tips too!
Example 1: Daddy is holding Marlowe. Marlowe wants to go over to pet a doggy, but it is across the street and we have already pet 2,456 doggies today. We say no. She tells us again in a whiny voice that she wants to pet the doggy (Marlowe does this by whining “Dada, ruff ruff!!). We say again that we can’t. Marlowe winds up and hits Daddy in the face.
Reaction: Ok, clearly this is a bad one. Probably not the best thing to have a child who hits people in the face. Also so weird that they learn this! Nobody hits her or anybody else in the face on the planet (aka household) she comes from! Is this Darwinian? Freudian? Too much watching Real Housewives of New Jersey while pregnant? So right away I say “Hey!” in my sternest voice to get her attention, and then in a softer and more direct voice with my head close to hers at eye level, “Marlowe, look at Mommy.” (Sometimes I have to repeat this a few times before she looks me in the eyes) Then: “Marlowe, we do NOT hit people. Hitting people is very mean. It hurts Daddy when you hit him in the face, and it also hurts his feelings and makes him sad. We treat people nicely. We are always gentle with people’s faces.”. Usually she then looks at Daddy. “Say sorry to Daddy” (She can’t say sorry yet, but I put this in there for when she can). Then I ask her to treat Daddy “Nice, Nice”, which for us means softly stroking the side of the face. We use this expression for how to touch doggies as well. She then turns to Daddy and strokes his face and says “Nice, Nice”. Since it’s her dad, I ask her to give him a kiss too, which she usually will do. And then I hug her and say “Good Job”, and I give her a kiss, and we move on. But I ALWAYS take the time to go through this routine when she hits, and she has been hitting a lot less!
Example 2: Marlowe moving towards an electrical cord, say, of a large table lamp. I tell her not to touch the cord. She looks back at me, locks eyes, and then moves directly to the cord, unplugging it with one swift movement, and moving to pull the lamp down off of the table. (GREAT!!!)
Reaction: I immediately (before catastrophe) say “NO!” in a loud voice. This always gets her attention. Then I move to her quickly, pick her up, and put her on my lap facing me. By this time she is usually bucking and yelling and tantrum-ing to her hearts content. I ask her in a direct but softer voice to “Look at Mommy”, repeating until she looks me in the eyes. Then I say, “Marlowe, Mommy told you not to touch that cord. You aren’t allowed to touch it because that cord has electricity and it could hurt you, or you could pull that lamp down and it could fall on you and hurt you. Touching that cord is very dangerous. Do you understand me?” Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t, but again, this is all a routine to grow in to! Then I move her to a different room, or part of the room, and occupy her with something else. Usually this works. (One time it didn’t, and she had a full meltdown: I brought her on to a soft rug, and let her flail around and cry and yell at me. I just sat there and looked at her. After a minute or so she calmed down and crawled over for a hug. End of nightmare. )
Hopefully my tactics can give you a few ideas! As always, I would love to hear your input if there are any toddler behavioral fixes you swear by!
xoxo
EAM
Ahhhh toddlerhood. You are so right, once you think you have everything down, BOOM! Something crazy and new to tackle. One thing I would add, if you find she stops responding to longer explanations, you can shorten them. At her age, sometimes “NO BITING! OUCH!” or “NO Touching cords! That’s Dangerous!” In a stern voice with a sad face, is easier for the two and under crowd. I’ve been a nanny/toddler teacher/babysitter since I was 15, which now means I have 14 years of toddler experience under my belt. Of all the ways to help stop unwanted behaviors, short and to the point has always been most helpful in my experience!
Ah the joys of mom life! My daughter is just over 6 months old so this will definitely be helpful to reference in the future. I was wondering, do you have a pretty set daily schedule/routine for her with set nap times and etc? I am still using wake times to determine my daughters next nap/bedtime but am trying to move towards more of a set routine. Maybe do a day in the life post 🙂
Hi! I just read your comment asking if she has a set routine. I’m totally giving unsolicited advice- so feel free to stop reading- but I just wanted to say, it is amazing if you can get on a set schedule. I have a 3 (going on 18) year old and a 19 month old. They are both on reasonably strict nap and bedtime schedule and routine. They will both go to their rooms between 1 and 1:30 for a nap. Whether or not they sleep, that’s up to them, but the little one generally sleeps and the older one either sleeps or plays quietly. As for bed time, up until 1 year, they were both bathed and in bed by 7:30- they both put themselves to bed. Now bedtime ranges between 7:30/8. It gives me a good amount of time between work and bed to spend with them, have dinner and enjoy a nice play in the tub, knowing that they will getting a good amount of rest afterwards.It’s never too late to start a schedule, as long as you’re dedicated to it I think it’ll all work out! Good luck!!
Great post! I too, am raising a little girl who is four going on fourteen, but is fairly well behaved. She pulled all the tricks that is seems Marlowe is. One thing I stand by is always explaining why they shouldn’t be doing something, as you do. I think this is so important so that they just don’t blindly follow directions – or not follow because they have no idea why it’s wrong. In my experience thus far it makes for a well-behaved, intelligent, inquisitive child.
Love your writing! You crack me up 🙂 thanks for brining such real ness to the mommy blog world! Love these tips. My daughter is just 6 months but these will definitely help for the future. Love the idea of starting a discipline routine that she can grow into
Great post! My daughter turns one on Thursday and hitting has become a big thing. What the heck is up with that, right? We’ve never hit her nor has she ever been around anyone hit….so where the heck does it come from? I am working on ways to discipline too, but so far, it has proven to be quite difficult. 🙂
I relate to pretty much every word you’ve written in this post! My daughter is three going on thirteen and there are days when my husband and I seriously have no idea what to do with her! LOL! She’s a very strong-willed, independent, opinionated, FEARLESS little girl (it’s that last one that kills us). We went through the same exact thing you’re going through with Marlowe (epic tantrums, hitting, defying rules,etc) and disciplined her pretty much the same way you are. And yeah – no idea where the hitting thing came from either! Discipline becomes more frustrating when they try to reason with you. It’s super fun. It’s amazing how their sass and attitude can be cute and infuriating all at the same time! 🙂
My son is almost 9 months old and already gets FURIOUS at me for not letting him play with cords. Seems I have a long road ahead of me. Any good wine recommendations? For me, not the baby…
My baby is now 21! How did that happen?!?!? Consistency is the key whether they are one, five, thirteen or 21! Consistency doesn’t always bring a smile to their face but it does teach them what to expect and they begin to learn every action causes a reaction. Solid lessons no matter the age. Keep it up, you’re doing great!
I have to chime in to agree with this! Kids are not always going to do what they’re supposed to, but life is so much easier when they know what is expected of them. Being consistent can be a major pain, but it really pays off in the end.
Thanks so much for all your posts. My daughter, Sarah, is about 5 months older than Marlowe, but it feels like we are in the same place. My husband and I are musicians so there are a variety of cords and cables in our house that technically are not “dangerous” ….unless she wraps herself up in them. But because of their similarity in look to electrical cords, I’ve had to learn recently (on the topic of consistency) that she shouldn’t touch even the most harmless of cables. Again thank you so much for posting with grace, humility, openness, HUMOR, etc…and for encouraging moms not to play the comparison game. Comparison is the thief of Joy! Keep rockin’ it mama.
LOL Lord have mercy can I feel your pain! My daughter just recently discovered: screaming+arms up in air= Mommy and daddy’s attention 😳
I mean, how could my beautiful daughter, who’s so angelic with her shiny ringlets and chubby cheeks 👼🏼. turn into Chucky’s little sister? How? Well, we learned to let her throw her tantrum and understand that NO means NO. Luckily it’s not been in public yet and not too often for us, so it’s going. It’s just so hard nowadays to raise kids that are humble and not spoiled. Thanks for sharing your experiences and giving us a great laugh. We are all in this together ..
Hi Eva! Love your blog! Have you ever looked at Happiest Toddler on the Block? Great tactics for how to deal with these exact issues you’re describing and I’ve found them to be very effective 🙂
This post was super helpful! I’m not a mom, but I take care full time of a one year old, Miss River Mae. She’s usually a very happy, sweet little girl but she started to do some of the things you mention and I really didn’t know what to do. I talked to her mom about it and after thinking about it we tried your suggestions. They are working! Slowly and, both in English and Spanish, since I speak to her in Spanish when we are alone. So thank you for sharing and helping! I love your blog and the way you tell stories. It’s really helping me with mine too.
You have a beautiful family. I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your honesty and window into how you’re dealing with this! I, too, have a one year old and couldn’t believe it when I needed to start disciplining him. I wondered if I was too soft/too stern…it’s great to see how other moms are handling it. Also, in this age of curated lifestyles, it’s both refreshing and comforting to read about honest experiences and challenges in parenthood. Thank you!
My son is 13 months – so very close in age to your Marlowe! Have you read Janet Lansbury? She started a great podcast called “Unruffled” with some tips for us. I think that you have a consistent routine that you slow things down and let her know that you can’t let her hurt others – one thing to consider is that I don’t know that they understand or have the patience for a lecture… so I am trying to figure out what to do after I have stopped the behavior… very curious if other parents take the time to explain what is wrong with the behavior, or simply stop the hitting/pulling/dangerous act and then hug your child? Welcome the thoughts and thank you for this discussion, Eva!
I love your honest posts, Eva, and while I don’t have children (yet) I love hearing about your trials and tribulations in motherhood. I agree that there is a lot unsaid about the hardships, but glad women such as you are more willing to bring them to light.
Ps- you have a real eloquence for writing.
Love this post! My daughter turned one and all of a sudden became a different kid with all of these exact same behaviours, I thought it was just me! Love these ideas, definitely going to try it next time she hits me in the face when I have to tell her no for something dangerous she’s about to do, lol