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I have been in a two year relationship with the man I’m certain is the love of my life. We are not yet “officially” engaged, but will be this year, and plan to be married this time next year. I am over-the-moon happy! However, my grandmother- the matriarch of my HUGE family- doesn’t like him at ALL.
I’m from a Southern, baptist family, and he’s a Northerner with no religious affiliation. And if that weren’t enough, I’m 30 and he’s 50, so she really disapproves, and thinks I’m throwing my life away.
I’m old enough to make my own choices, of course, but she takes every opportunity to say negative comments and/or remind me of her opinion that I’m crazy for loving this man. Even though I’m happier than I’ve EVER been, and he treats me like a jewel.
Most of my family plays “follow-the-leader,” so because SHE disapproves, they aren’t accepting of him either. I’m so hurt feeling like I have to choose between my grandmother and my boyfriend. She and I have so many arguments, and I feel badly because she’s elderly & I hate for our “last years” to be tainted with unnecessary negativity. I’m at my wits end, and really want her to just ACCEPT the fact that I’m happy, & this is who I’ve chosen.
How would you handle this?? Help!!!
Sincerely,
Ms. Miffed at the Matriarch
Ooooof. This is a hard position to be in, my friend. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to finally be completely content in a relationship with a man you adore– only to have your own family fail to support you. That’s a bad feeling. And you are 30– which is definitely an age where a woman knows what she wants. You seem to have a firm handle on how you would like to move forward with this man, and it’s clear that the two of you are secure in your relationship. I love that he treats you so well! That’s a gift!
Now let’s talk about your family. It’s clear that your family is close knit, and that they adore you. Even this grumpy Granny. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be so “worried”. And please realize that worried is what they are. For example, they probably see this age gap as something insurmountable. They want you to live a life where you and your husband enjoy each other for many years to come, and for your life to be easy (as they see it). They are also clearly very religious, and appreciate what this religion has brought in to their lives. I’m sure they’re worried that your boyfriend’s lack of religion will somehow create a less secure or grounded life for you, and that they will not be able to relate to him (or you) on that level.
Now let me tell you: THESE ARE ONLY OPINIONS. That’s all. It’s important, I think, to identify for yourself what your Grandmother (and subsequently your family) feels behind their show of disapproval. They want you to be happy, and it’s hard for them to imagine how you will be happy with somebody who is so different from them. Acknowledging how hard that must be for them doesn’t make them right, it just makes you a big person. You certainly don’t have to live your life by your family’s opinions, however! I always say to my friends going through complicated (or unpopular) relationships: At the end of the party, everyone else goes home, and you are the one in that relationship. You have to live in it, and you are the only person who is really going to know what it’s like to be with that person. And really, you and your family want the same thing– your happiness!
If it were me, I would handle it like this: Take your Grandmother to lunch. Start by telling her what she means to you, and how much you value your relationship with her. Then, tell her about your boyfriend and what he means to you. Not something like “he treats me so well”, but tell her an actual story of a situation you would not have been able to get through without his kindness and support. Explain to her that this type of love is what you have been looking for all along. Acknowledge that he wouldn’t be her first choice, but tell her that you hope she will eventually come around in her own time, and will see in him the qualities you have fallen in love with. Tell her that, while you know you are going to marry this man, you will always be available to have lunches with her just like this one– where you both can reconnect and make sure you are spending quality time together. And leave it at that! I think she will respect that you are a strong woman who is following her heart, and I think she will be touched that you care about her feelings as much as you do.
Now get that ring, girl! 😉
I wish you all the best,
xoxo
EAM
Thanks for this wonderful advice & it is duly noted! I agree with everything you’ve said & **fingers crossed**, I hope it makes a difference. One thing I wish I’d mentioned is that he & I have discussed getting married in the South of France next fall. Just him, myself, and someone appropriately ordained. I have NEVER wanted a wedding & the hoopla. My grandmother has always known & accepted this. NOW, of course, she views this as a direct insult (on his part) that he’s “convinced” me not to have a big wedding. Which, she knows is entirely untrue. Furthermore, from MY standpoint, why would I want disdain for my groom & negative energy present at my happy, blessed nuptials? Sheesh, as you can see, it’s a mess!
Great advice, Eva, and thank you so much! We actually went ring shopping today!!! I hope everyone can move forward in a loving, positive way!
xo